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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum's taxi for 18 year old daughter

245 replies

westendgirll · 19/12/2023 07:54

My daughter is home for the holidays after her first term at uni. Last night, she went out to see all her old school friends and told me that she was getting a lift home. However, the friend changed his mind and I got a message asking for a lift back at 11pm.

We live 2 miles from the town centre so I went and got her. My husband (her stepfather) did his nut because he thinks that she should have got a taxi back. I disagree because she was a woman on her own. He isn't talking to me this morning and is still very angry.

He keeps going on about how he wasn't given any lifts by his parents at the same age and his son was in the army in Iraq at 18!

I think it's no big deal and, as a woman, she is vulnerable from dodgy taxi drivers and drunks, etc,but he won't have it!

OP posts:
fingerguns · 19/12/2023 11:00

Dunno why your DH is so angry about it. Her lift fell through.

Is it not safe to walk where you live? Or is it too dark?

Flamingogirl08 · 19/12/2023 11:01

firef1y · 19/12/2023 10:57

He's unreasonable for being so angry, but there is no reason your daughter couldn't have got a taxi or god forbid even have walked. What does she do after a night out at uni??? I bet she either gets a taxi, makes sure she has back up arrangements available or walks. What if you'd had a drink, what would she have done then??
I do think you need to talk to her about planning for those types of eventualities, it's part of being an adult.

Absolutely can't my head around that argument. I'm an adult but my husband will still give me a lift if I ask!

I would imagine if OP was busy or had a drink then her daughter would have got a taxi. But she was free so why not collect her?

OPs husband is very unreasonable.

Marmalade71 · 19/12/2023 11:05

The day any man told me what I could or couldn't do for my child (of any age) would be our last day together.

Vile, jealous bully. Tell him to fuck right off

Buttercup176 · 19/12/2023 11:06

She arranged a lift. It didn’t happen.
She called you for a lift. You can say yes or no. You said yes. Problem solved.

If you had said no she could have got a taxi.

Her stepfather sounds like a bit of a twat.

Seashor · 19/12/2023 11:06

Our babysitter aged 17 was knocked down and died walk home early hours of the morning.
I have told my children, their partners and their friends to call me any time if they find themselves unable to get home. I’ve been called once.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/12/2023 11:06

It’s always fine to do something kind for another person if you want to - whether a child, adult child of yours or another adult.

You chose to give her a lift, which you could choose to do for a friend if you wanted.

Why doesn’t he want you to be kind to your own daughter?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/12/2023 11:09

And yes I think the bigger issue is your DH’s controlling behaviour

margotrose · 19/12/2023 11:15

My daughter has been using taxis since she was 16, on our Uber account. We have the name and licence plate of the driver and can see where the car is every second of the journey.

If a lift lets her down she grabs an Uber and is home in no time. She doesn’t need to ring for assistance at 18, she knows what to do.

And? What's your point, exactly?

Seeline · 19/12/2023 11:17

This may blow some people's minds, but Uber doesn't exist everywhere in the UK.....

Butchyrestingface · 19/12/2023 11:20

He isn't talking to me this morning and is still very angry.

How long have you been married to this prince?

penjil · 19/12/2023 11:26

Is your DP somehow jealous of your DD?

In a loving family I it, he should love her and care for her too!

His behaviour is appalling. I would even be questioning the relationship to be honest. What a strange man.

FreshWinterMorning · 19/12/2023 11:27

He's being so unreasonable it's virtually criminal. I would seriously be questioning my marriage with him after this. My 2 daughters are in their mid to late 20s and mean absolutely everything to me. I would go and give them a lift even now - even if it was a 200 mile round trip, and the fact they left home nearly a decade ago. I would never refuse.

Your daughter's 18. Fucking 18! She's still virtually a child. How dare he come out of with his son fighting in Iraq to make you feel like shit, and come out with the old chestnut 'I never got any lifts from MY parents.' Guess what? I never got any fucking lifts either, but it didn't make me a cold arsehole that doesn't give a shit about other people.

FFS - to make your daughter make her own way home, because 'he' didn't get lifts as a younger person and his son was in Iraq. Is is kidding?! God, what a horrible attitude. I don't know how you can stay with him. I could never be with a man who gave so little shits about MY daughter. And his attitude towards YOU is disgusting attitude. What a pathetic, selfish little manchild. He sounds awful. My fanny would seal over after this shit. (Seal over for him anyway!)

.

JanefromLondon1 · 19/12/2023 11:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

DottieMoon · 19/12/2023 11:43

What the F does it have to do with him? If you were happy to go and pick your DD, that is your decision! Whether or not your DD could have got a taxi is irrelevant, you chose to pick her own which is completely your choice. This would majorly piss me off.

He sounds very controlling OP, to try and dictate what you do and then to be so angry about it still, nothing not right in his head. I would nip it in the bud now. He can parent his children how wants but don't let him dictate what you do.

enchantedsquirrelwood · 19/12/2023 11:54

I do think you need to talk to her about planning for those types of eventualities, it's part of being an adult

As people have said, at university they will be with friends.

At home they can ask a parent to collect them.

And it's not mollycoddling. I really do wonder at the usually risk averse MNers who think an Uber is safe! A parent collecting (as long as not over the limit) is safest!

Dobbyismyabsolutefav · 19/12/2023 12:00

I would happily pick up my DD, who is also home from uni, if her lift fell through as her safety is paramount. I don't see why your DH is so aggressive about it and is being a massive twat.

For those saying the DD could have got a taxi, she could have, but 11pm isn't particularly late and students are on a budget so I would have jumped in the car too.

My DH has been out socialising this week and our DD has been picking him up from the station because that's what families do, help each other.

JenniferJuniper80 · 19/12/2023 12:00

Wow!
So you married an uncaring arsehole. Congratulations you.

For what it's worth I once got into a taxi to only realise after it had pulled away from the pub that it wasn't an actual taxi! Clearly I survived unscathed znd I think the driver was only after making dome quick cash. But for an 18 year old, I'd rather pick her up rather than leave her to chance.

As for your husband not talking to you... childish snd twatish in equal measures. I'd be having a very serious conversation with him when he deems you worthy of an actual adult conversation, which involved the words "divorce" and "unreasonable"

ArchetypalBusyMum · 19/12/2023 12:14

That's what families do... They help each other 👏👏👏
Exactly. And if the stepfather's son came home from the war. And went for drinks. And needed to get home. He could have a lift too, even if he could walk or get a taxi. Shocking concept to this man raised by a dad who taught him well that any help given, even from loved ones, is a problem, but normal for most folk.

ArchetypalBusyMum · 19/12/2023 12:17

I think the step father needs some self reflection and consider other ways of being .. but he probably won't. He'd rather punish others for not sharing his programmed aversions to pragmatic alternatives to taxis normal simple gestures of care.

Mumof2teens79 · 19/12/2023 12:23

My OH comes to pick me up from a night out regularly. He takes my friends home too.
We have uber, sometimes faster than others, but why would he let me uber if its just a couple of miles?
I am in my 40s!

Seriously looking at the threads today so many people are just really unhelpful and uncooperative. I hope none of them ever need a favour from family.

FreshWinterMorning · 19/12/2023 12:34

enchantedsquirrelwood · 19/12/2023 11:54

I do think you need to talk to her about planning for those types of eventualities, it's part of being an adult

As people have said, at university they will be with friends.

At home they can ask a parent to collect them.

And it's not mollycoddling. I really do wonder at the usually risk averse MNers who think an Uber is safe! A parent collecting (as long as not over the limit) is safest!

This. ^ I am sick to death of this 'stop mollycoddling them' and 'it's called being an adult' shit. Just bore off with that. I took my DDs here there and everywhere in the car (DH gave them lifts too sometimes,) and they rarely got a taxi. OR a bus.

Their school - and college - were an hour and a quarter to an hour and a half by bus, and 10 minutes in the car. So of course I took them/fetched them back. I wasn't having them spending 3 hours a DAY on the fucking bus! Others had to get the bus or walk, sometimes because their parents couldn't drive or were working full time, but sometimes it was because they couldn't be arsed to do it.

My 2 went to uni (at 18-19) and did perfectly fine. Became independent, went out a lot with friends on nights out, (and days out,) went on backpacking trips around Europe and South East Asia, and taught themselves to cook, (though my older DD was quite good anyway,) and moved in with partners soon after leaving uni. They both own their own house now in their late 20s, one is married, one is engaged, and they both have successful careers. (And about 30 friends between them!)

Purely anecdotal I know, but the majority of the young people I know who had parents who just left them to their own devices, (and just made them make their way to everything, and do fuck-all for them,) still live at home, never went to uni, and are either lying in bed every day and doing nothing/no job, or they are working 10-20 hours a week in Maccies, a shop, or a local factory or farm. Upshot is, their life is not moving forward much, and they are anything but independent!

It does not automatically mean your 'child' will be independent and successful if you don't do anything for them/give them lifts etc, and I am sick of this 'stop doing things for them - it will stop them 'adulting.' It's bullshit. If anything, they will be MORE likely to be successful and independent, because they have been cared for and loved - and helped when they needed it, and not been told 'fuck off you're an adult now' on their 18th birthday (when many of them would still at school.)

.

Pepsipasta · 19/12/2023 12:43

This 👆🏻.

I'm the mum that picks up not only DD but also her friends if they are stuck getting home or a quick lift to xyz so they don't have to walk in the rain, dark etc.

Out of all of her friends, most of whom have parents who have all but washed their hands of their kids now that they are 18, she is the only one with a proper job/career. Her friends are bobbing around with no idea what to do in life so I agree that helping your kids out does not always have to make them dependent and lazy.

firstpregnancy1 · 19/12/2023 12:51

This is ridiculous - if you are happy to give her a lift then do so! My parents gave me lifts well into my 20s and even if I went home now in my 30s to visit if I went out to see some old friends they would likely happily give me a lift. I wouldn't expect it. But if it's not every week or if you didn't have plans etc then surely this is basic family being family.

HippeePrincess · 19/12/2023 12:51

My dp would be collecting MY daughter, or son, in a heartbeat from town only 2 miles away before midnight! As he would for me, and I him. I collected my dad from his Christmas party at the weekend and dropped him home and he’d nearly 60.

Even if he thinks she’s capable of getting home herself, which I’m sure she is, what’s it to him? Doesn’t give him an excuse to be a controlling abusive twat.

3amShopper · 19/12/2023 13:24

I'm really non plussed at the amount of posters saying she should have found a solution. She did. She phoned her mum.

I'm 37 and my mum came and collected me from my Christmas do last week. It's what families do. You make sure the people you love get home safe. I hope to God (and will make sure) that my kid knows they can always phone me for help or assistance in any circumstances. I'd always go get them.

Your husband sounds like a complete dick.