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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum's taxi for 18 year old daughter

245 replies

westendgirll · 19/12/2023 07:54

My daughter is home for the holidays after her first term at uni. Last night, she went out to see all her old school friends and told me that she was getting a lift home. However, the friend changed his mind and I got a message asking for a lift back at 11pm.

We live 2 miles from the town centre so I went and got her. My husband (her stepfather) did his nut because he thinks that she should have got a taxi back. I disagree because she was a woman on her own. He isn't talking to me this morning and is still very angry.

He keeps going on about how he wasn't given any lifts by his parents at the same age and his son was in the army in Iraq at 18!

I think it's no big deal and, as a woman, she is vulnerable from dodgy taxi drivers and drunks, etc,but he won't have it!

OP posts:
OceanicBoundlessness · 19/12/2023 08:28

As our children get older, the little things we can do for them become less.
I would have given my child a lift home too. My parents have me lifts unless I had a group of friends to walk back with.

MarvellousMinnie · 19/12/2023 08:28

I'd help either of my children out if I could, as I would help my DH or a friend. It's called being helpful and human and is then often reciprocated.

Myfabby · 19/12/2023 08:29

gotomomo · 19/12/2023 08:27

Both unreasonable, but most of all your dd who should have worked out transport prior. My DD's have taken taxis from 16 regularly, if they are old enough to be out in town, they are old enough to take taxis in my book (or find another way to get home, we have buses until midnight). He on the other hand needs to now get over it but I do take his point!

did you read this in the OP?

she went out to see all her old school friends and told me that she was getting a lift home. However, the friend changed his mind and I got a message asking for a lift back at 11pm.

Passingthethyme · 19/12/2023 08:29

LenaLamont · 19/12/2023 07:56

You are both being unreasonable. You, for not expecting your daughter to use a taxi and him for not talking and being angry hours later.

He’s the most unreasonable of the two of you.

This. I'm sure she's caught a taxi many times (although if you didn't mind then not really a big deal)

SoupDragon · 19/12/2023 08:29

I will always pick my children up from the town centre if they ask. There is a lot of knife crime there and I'd rather go get them. It doesn't happen very often though so they aren't taking the piss.

DelphiniumBlue · 19/12/2023 08:30

It’s not unreasonable for him to have an opinion on this, but it is very unreasonable for him to be angry and not talk to you because you don’t agree.
Why is he being so stroppy over it? Was he put out by this? Did it mean a change of plan?

gotomomo · 19/12/2023 08:30

Ps i have picked mine up in emergency but generally they know that mums taxi closed years ago!

margotrose · 19/12/2023 08:30

Beezknees · 19/12/2023 08:27

It's completely your choice. I wouldn't do it though.

Do the women on this thread never get taxis then? I'm curious. I use taxis or public transport to get home if I've had a drink.

You can do both.

hellsBells246 · 19/12/2023 08:31

Your H is VVVV U to be so angry about this.

If he really didn't think you should have collected dd he could have used his words nicely to make his feelings clear.

But why is he so angry? Did it affect him at all? No. Is it anything to do with him? No.

Does he often get so angry about tiny things?

MamaGhina · 19/12/2023 08:31

I would have picked her up.

Around that age I got a taxi once and the driver took me to his house not mine. When I questioned what he was doing he said he thought I might like to go in for a drink with him.

I know 20yrs down the line times have changed but there are still lots of dangerous men out there. I wouldn’t hesitate to collect my child if I could. Your DH is in the wrong.

TomeTome · 19/12/2023 08:31

It’s really unusual to be so unhelpful as to not give someone you live with let alone your child a lift. We just do stuff for each other all the time. I’m baffled as to why you wouldn’t?

MilkChocolateCookie · 19/12/2023 08:32

Your DH needs to recognise that just because his dad did things a certain way doesn't mean that's "right" or the only way. As a mum you're allowed to make your own choices about your own kids and he needs to STFU.

gotomomo · 19/12/2023 08:33

@Myfabby

She thought she was getting a lift perhaps but at 8 and having been at university I would not expect my kids to call me to fetch them 2 miles. I would expect them to use their initiative and ask someone else or yes call an Uber. My girls grew up in the city so perhaps are more self sufficient and streetwise than some on here, they are in 20's now.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 19/12/2023 08:35

Fuck all to do with him. He sounds like a childish prick and I’d be happy not speaking to him today. I pick my daughter up whenever she wants. I know she is safe and it saves her money. DH would get VERY short shrift if he said I couldn’t/shouldn’t do that.

ThequalityoftheReps · 19/12/2023 08:36

He sounds like he's jealous that your DD is home and getting your attention

She could have got a taxi but she's been away a while I'm sure you were glad to help her. I would have been. That said I wouldn't keep doing it.

His behaviour is massive red flag. Not speaking to you is horrific. Make a note of this and what else happens over the holidays . I'd guarantee this won't be the only incident involving your daughter and him not liking stuff.

margotrose · 19/12/2023 08:38

gotomomo · 19/12/2023 08:33

@Myfabby

She thought she was getting a lift perhaps but at 8 and having been at university I would not expect my kids to call me to fetch them 2 miles. I would expect them to use their initiative and ask someone else or yes call an Uber. My girls grew up in the city so perhaps are more self sufficient and streetwise than some on here, they are in 20's now.

You can ask for lifts home and be self-sufficient at the same time.

My parents would much rather come and get me than see me waste my money on a taxi or wait hours in the cold for a bus.

Different if you live somewhere with regular buses and taxis that don't need to be booked days in advance though.

CharlotteBog · 19/12/2023 08:38

I hope your daughter is putting things in place so she doesn't rely on the friend who changed their mind about a lift. A lift falling through happens obviously, but someone just changing their mind is poor.
Did they know her Mum would come and collect her?
You DD obviously knew you would collect her, rather than get on and catch a taxi otherwise she would not have messaged. I acknowledge there's a financial element here, a uni student isn't going to have a lot of money for taxis.
Would other friends not wait with her until a taxi arrived? Where was she waiting for you to collect her?
Is there a history of dodgy taxi drivers where you live?

Is this the first time this has happened? Has she never been stranded before? Your husbands reaction seems extreme and the discussion about different opinions seems odd to only be happening for the first time.

SadlyACupOfTeaDoesNotSolveEverything · 19/12/2023 08:38

I would have picked her up too… but so would DH.

Myfabby · 19/12/2023 08:38

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 19/12/2023 08:35

Fuck all to do with him. He sounds like a childish prick and I’d be happy not speaking to him today. I pick my daughter up whenever she wants. I know she is safe and it saves her money. DH would get VERY short shrift if he said I couldn’t/shouldn’t do that.

Absolutely

and then getting very very angry and the silent treatment over this.

Lots of red flags here

Mix56 · 19/12/2023 08:39

"do you fret so much when she's away at university?"

This is really poignant !
She should have worked out a solution.

However, your partner needs to accept there is a difference in risk for a 19 yr old girl & boy. Especially if she was drunk

ArchetypalBusyMum · 19/12/2023 08:39

If I was two miles down the road and sober when someone's lift fell thorough I'd happily nip and get them, miles cheaper than the taxi and a chance for a natter and get the gossip on the evening, especially if I haven't seen said person for a while. We'd put Xmas tunes on and chat about the holidays. Pleasant, simple. I'd do it for son, daughter, friend, parent... just no big deal at all.

He's looking at this through one very narrow tiny lens gifted to him by his arsehole father. And clinging to that in righteous anger. What. A. Dick. He needs to reflect on whether his dad's choices were really the high bar against which all future parenting choices should be measured.
Sounds like he's very successfully 'manned up' under his dad's critical eye and now can't objectively consider whether maybe there was no need for the in at the deep end approach to encouraging independence and maybe it's damaged him as much as it's helped him.

But her lift didn't even mean what he thinks it does.

As though what you did means she can't stand on her own two feet. When in reality, it was probably more like, <ponders> 'wonder if mum's still awake, if not I'll crash at Jane's house/walk home/get taxi... '

The fact you're being punished still is ridiculous. I pity her having him for a step father.

Rickenbackergoodgrief · 19/12/2023 08:41

What does she do when she's at uni, sit in her room when she's not attending a lecture?

Myfabby · 19/12/2023 08:41

CharlotteBog · 19/12/2023 08:38

I hope your daughter is putting things in place so she doesn't rely on the friend who changed their mind about a lift. A lift falling through happens obviously, but someone just changing their mind is poor.
Did they know her Mum would come and collect her?
You DD obviously knew you would collect her, rather than get on and catch a taxi otherwise she would not have messaged. I acknowledge there's a financial element here, a uni student isn't going to have a lot of money for taxis.
Would other friends not wait with her until a taxi arrived? Where was she waiting for you to collect her?
Is there a history of dodgy taxi drivers where you live?

Is this the first time this has happened? Has she never been stranded before? Your husbands reaction seems extreme and the discussion about different opinions seems odd to only be happening for the first time.

Wow, a litany of questions.

Lift fell through, called Mom, mom picked up, life is good.

margotrose · 19/12/2023 08:41

I don't think the university issue is remotely relevant.

OP can't physically help at university but her daughter is home for Christmas and she asked for a lift, so OP did a nice thing and gave her one.

It's really not the big drama that everyone seems to to be trying to turn it into, but in my world it's normal to offer and give lifts no matter how old you are!

ZenNudist · 19/12/2023 08:43

LenaLamont · 19/12/2023 07:56

You are both being unreasonable. You, for not expecting your daughter to use a taxi and him for not talking and being angry hours later.

He’s the most unreasonable of the two of you.

First reply nails it