To not allow 17 year old DS to visit his boyfriend on NYE

[hulas]

My DS is 17 and openly gay, he turns 18 in August and is in his first year of college. He's been in a relationship with another boy since September. Boyfriend lives an hour and half away on the train but they've met multiple times, I haven't spoken to him very much as he's autistic, but he seems to make DS happy.

Boyfriend turns 19 on NYE and DS has asked/told me he's going to visit him either on the train or I can take him to the train station (he didn't ask, just assumed!).

There would be alcohol involved and DS is easily led and the boyfriend doesn't seem very sensible so I've said no (id also be giving him the money for the train)

He's said how unfair I am and that he hates me etc etc and now I'm wondering if I'm BU in saying no. WWYD?

He isn’t almost 18. He’s a young 17 year old. Being gay is irrelevant. What is relevant is this is a long distant relationship by what the OP describes as possibly fairly immature teens and it’s 1.5 hours away by train.

OP trust your own judgement. At 17 I went to stay with a guy and he changed his mind about me staying over and another friend had to bail me out. I don’t know what I would have done if that other friend didn’t let me stay at her house. At 1.5 hours away you can’t just pick him up if something goes wrong.

I'd be horrified if my DC got into half the situations I did at 17 but at the same time, I was in pubs, clubs and learning how to navigate life.

You can't ban him from seeing his boyfriend, as long as he's aware of safe sex and boundaries in a relationship, what loving relationships should be like it's now the time to let him go and live life. Just make sure he knows you're always there for him.

You doing what you are is not going to foster him trusting in you, if anything he'll stick with something toxic just to get away and probably end up doing more silly things than he would have done.

Can you offer him a lift home?
If this was my son I’d make sure he had money . Asked how he was getting there and home
.Talk about safe sex maybe even Leave him
some condoms out .
Leave communication open and chat about what could happen with too much drink.
Do make sure he can always call
you no matter what

I assume both of them do not drive, which is why your DS is requesting a lift ?

Alternative is via public transport or via family or friends

After reading other posts on Mumsnet
The alternative could have been
"My DS spends all his time in his room, no job, no friends, no hobbies"

Therefore be thankful that your DS has friends & a social life !

I agree with other posters, your DS is 17, not 7 !

@hulas DS doesn't work and whenever I (or another family member) give him money he wastes it straight away on a video game he plays then wants me to give him more.

Read the above OP. Then read it again and again and again until you figure out what a major problem you have let develop with your DS. He treats you as his personal ATM and you seem to salute him and say, "How much and do you need a bow around it?".
I cannot imagine any DC who would not love to have a walking, talking ATM for a parent. Luckily, most parents seem to see this as unwise.

Tell your son to invite the lad to NYE local to you and that he can stay over (sofa or whatever) but that you can't be driving them around at past midnight

Next year he is 18 and you can't have a say.
Let him join the party.

How's he going to mature if you keep him under lock and key?

Have you not taught him anything?

Of course he can spend NYE with his boyfriend. You sound unhinged.

Why haven't you spoken to your Ds generally about drinking, about not being led, about being your own person in every situation and having the strength to do what's right. All of this is only to do with him, nothing to do either anyone else, not boyfriend related.

Exactly this! The point everyone's missing is that this adult son needs (or rather demands) mummy to drive him around like Miss Daisy and fund his excursions! That's the part that Op has every right to object to. Particularly when he didn't ask if she would do this for him, he just assumed it to be a given.

By the time I was 17, I had a little part-time job and had my own mode of transportation: a really beat up old car, but it got from point A to point B and represented freedom! There was absolutely no way I was asking my parents to fund my sex life!

I had something similar happen to me. But I phoned my Dad and he drove the 1.5 hours to pick me up even though it was the middle of the night.
I phoned my parents because I knew they would be there for me. If they had tried to ban me from going, I probably wouldn’t have phoned them and then I’d have been in much worse trouble.

When mine were 17 I used to say “well next year you will be at uni and making your own decisions’. They have to grow up. Why don’t you feel you can trust him to make sensible decisions?

I would also be worried, mainly because there are some very unpleasant people out there and being 17, gay, neurodiverse, and drunk is a lot of vulnerability. However, I don’t think it’s sensible to try to stop him going. If you can have a calm discussion with him about safety you might get through to him, rather than just telling him what (not) to do. Like most 17 year olds he probably thinks he’s invincible. The goal, I think, is to get him to think realistically about any risks he might take.

DS doesn't work and whenever I (or another family member) give him money he wastes it straight away on a video game he plays then wants me to give him more.

And you're 'banning him' from going out.

Oh my god stop infantilising this young man. I'm sorry but he sounds absolutely pathetic. He needs a job and he needs not to be asking mummy for lifts/permission to go out.

Parenting isn't just 'safeguarding', you know. Why have you not prepared him for adult life?

We do. Because not everyone is and unfortunately sometimes, it's needed to know if they are/aren't.

Obviously if you wait until he is 18 all these problems will just disappear, he will change over night and everything will be fine.

If you're worried about your nearly 18 year old in a big city, then when is this going to change?

You also seem to be blaming his BF if he drinks to much etc? Why?

Still not sure why ds doesn't have a job at 17 and you're giving him money for video games or whatever he decides to spend it on then getting overly involved in his spending habits. I have a 17 year old and constantly worry (he's a risk taker and party boy - very different but still a source of constant angst) and you need to help him become independent - if he wants to get somewhere he gets a bus or train and if he needs money he'll need to find and keep get a job. you're doing him no favours op.

Did you actually do anything different at 17?

Or are you actually not ok with your son being gay? Saying “openly gay” makes me wonder if you’re not actually comfortable with his sexuality.

He’s 17. Of course he wants to drink and be with his boyfriend. Perfectly normal. Who cares if he throws up? You won’t have to clear it up.

I really can’t the see the big issue here? The only problems I see is that he should have asked nicely if you were able to drive/pay for train. And ideally he should be more responsible with money so he can afford trips like this. But that’s not something that can really be fixed or changed between now and new year.

He's 17, he's too old to need your permission to go. You'd be totally reasonable to have a conversation with him about safe drinking etc but he's old enough to decide whether he goes or not. At that age it wouldn't have occurred to me to ask my parents if I could go, I'd just let them know that was what I was doing so they knew where I was.

Expecting you to bankroll his activities is another matter regardless of his NYE plans. He needs to get a part-time job to fund train tickets/going out but in your shoes, I would pay for this occasion if I could afford it as it will otherwise look as if you're only saying it to prevent him from spending time with his boyfriend- and it's not like he has time to get a job and get paid before the party.

You need to set boundaries around what you will and won't pay for and have an expectation that he covers his own costs when he wants to go to a party, so he needs an income. So in your situation, I'd sit him down and explain that after this party, he needs to start being responsible for getting himself to and from bf's house and paying for his ticket.

He refuses to get a job, I still give him money for lunches at college etc but most the time he doesn't buy lunch, I also give him money for helping around the house. When he asks for more, I don't give it him. But he often lies and says he didn't spend it

I think posters are missing where I said he will be an hour and half away so it isn't as easy as picking him up again which is making me worry more. I'm not blaming his boyfriend if DS drinks too much but as I said in a PP I suspect DS would drink a lot to show off and try to impress his boyfriend and if they're both drunk they won't have anyone looking out for them.

He refuses to get a job.

Then he needs to be treated like a 7 year old and make his packed lunch each day or go hungry. He wants to buy lunch then he needs to get a job and earn some money. He wants a lift 80 miles away then he needs to be buying petrol or paying train fare

@hulas whilst I don't think you can tell him what to do I 100% understand why you would worry. Where are they planning to stay? Surely he isn't coming home that night. I don't think it is unreasonable to want to know where your 17 yr old will be spending the night.

The money thing though, he needs to understand if he wants to act and be treated like an adult he needs to earn his own money like an adult. At 17 I was working in the local corner shop.

Of course you can pick him up . He is your son and if he got in trouble 1.5hrs would be nothing.
You are going to have to let go OP

He can’t make good choices if he doesn’t get the freedom to do so or to learns form his mistakes.