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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow 17 year old DS to visit his boyfriend on NYE

266 replies

hulas · 18/12/2023 18:41

My DS is 17 and openly gay, he turns 18 in August and is in his first year of college. He's been in a relationship with another boy since September. Boyfriend lives an hour and half away on the train but they've met multiple times, I haven't spoken to him very much as he's autistic, but he seems to make DS happy.

Boyfriend turns 19 on NYE and DS has asked/told me he's going to visit him either on the train or I can take him to the train station (he didn't ask, just assumed!).

There would be alcohol involved and DS is easily led and the boyfriend doesn't seem very sensible so I've said no (id also be giving him the money for the train)

He's said how unfair I am and that he hates me etc etc and now I'm wondering if I'm BU in saying no. WWYD?

OP posts:
Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 18/12/2023 18:53

YABU. Easily led?! He's nearly an adult.

ectoone · 18/12/2023 18:53

Shadowsindarkplaces · 18/12/2023 18:51

I'd say 'crack on', but he pays for train himself and sorts bus/ taxi lift himself. Old enough to go out with boyfriend on NYE get pissed Old enough to organise it.

Christ I'm late 40s and 'old enough' but my family would give me a lift to the station Confused

Floopani · 18/12/2023 18:54

Its NYE and his boyfriends birthday? He is 17 and you are being quite cruel. Why do you want him to miss out on making lovely memories and having a good time? He is sensible enough to have told you his plans. I don't expect he will make that mistake again.

Candycurrantbun · 18/12/2023 18:54

Shadowsindarkplaces · 18/12/2023 18:51

I'd say 'crack on', but he pays for train himself and sorts bus/ taxi lift himself. Old enough to go out with boyfriend on NYE get pissed Old enough to organise it.

So you would never help your kids out then when they are at college? Presumably to get some qualifications. Never give them a lift or some cash?

someonethatyoulovetoomuch · 18/12/2023 18:55

I’m not entirely sure why his sexuality is relevant, if he was heterosexual and meeting a girlfriend would that be okay? What’s the issue here? Let him live his life, I don’t think it would have crossed my mind to ask my parents permission to go out on NYE at 17.

Milliemoos5 · 18/12/2023 18:56

You got to let go of the apron strings at some point, otherwise he will resent you and start doing things behind your back.

being a 17 yr old in love is a a normal part of life and is part of growing up. So is navigating the world of booze, sex, socialising and experiencing a certain amount of freedom

Vistada · 18/12/2023 18:57

Same! I'm 32 and my mum still offers lifts to trains etc.!

OP, you're being unreasonable - by "easily led" do you mean "susceptible to opinions that aren't mum and dads" (shock horror)

I'm afraid I'm completely on his side. He's 17 not 7.

Your role now isn't to prohibit.

YesitsJacqueline · 18/12/2023 18:58

You are fortunate your 17 year old is truthful with you and that he hasn't lied and gone behind your back. You obviously have a good relationship

Every one is being hard on you I think and each person trying to be super cool. But of course you can worry about him no matter what his age. I think you are very close to your son.

I say let him go and use this as him learning a bit of independence.

Luxell934 · 18/12/2023 18:58

He's 17, nearly 18 and legally an adult. Yeah he will probably drink and have sex. Your probably safest making sure he has a lift there and back.

Catza · 18/12/2023 18:59

I haven't spoken to him very much as he's autistic

Well, maybe you should start there. I am autistic and people speak to me all the time. We don't bite.

boyfriend doesn't seem very sensible

How did you establish that without speaking to him very much?

Kedece · 18/12/2023 18:59

Hes 17!!! He's almost an adult.

You realise if you do this then you've probably damaged the trust between you. In future he probably won't tell you his plans & you'll be posting on here saying he barely speaks to you & you haven't seen or heard from him in days

Do you honestly think that your 17 year old son has never been at a friend's house when there's been alcohol involved

Run him to the station & wish him a HNY
Treat him like the grown up he is

Milliemoos5 · 18/12/2023 19:00

I also remember my mum forbidding me at 17 to go to a party with lots of my friends and to stay there overnight with my bf at the time. Everyone else was allowed to stay with their bfs at the party and I was absolutely gutted and mortally embarrassed that I was the only one not allowed. I’m 45 now and I still remember it today and still annoyed about how unfair it was.

Original poster
hulas · 18/12/2023 19:01

Yes, he's nearly an adult (albeit in 8 months!) but he's immature and easily led. The boyfriend isn't sensible due to his SN and I worry about alcohol being involved, especially on NYE when lots of people will be around and the boyfriend is an adult so can legally buy as much alcohol as they both want so they could end up getting very very drunk. If they were at the boyfriends house with his family, i’d worry less and perhaps have agreed.

DS also said I'm taking him to the boyfriend or giving him money for the train. Instead of asking.

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 18/12/2023 19:01

Let him go, drive him and collect him if it makes you feel better but 17 is a really stupid age to damage your relationship with your son

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 18/12/2023 19:02

Why are you worried though? What's worrying you about your 17yo son drinking with his boyfriend/friends?

ectoone · 18/12/2023 19:03

DS also said I'm taking him to the boyfriend or giving him money for the train. Instead of asking.

What a great reason to refuse to allow him Confused

Milliemoos5 · 18/12/2023 19:04

YesitsJacqueline · 18/12/2023 18:58

You are fortunate your 17 year old is truthful with you and that he hasn't lied and gone behind your back. You obviously have a good relationship

Every one is being hard on you I think and each person trying to be super cool. But of course you can worry about him no matter what his age. I think you are very close to your son.

I say let him go and use this as him learning a bit of independence.

Why on earth would you think everyone is just trying to be super cool???! Maybe we have had kids that were 17 at some point and know what’s it’s like and where we made mistakes or where we learnt what works well. Maybe we’ve all been 17 ourselves before and had parents prohibiting us from doing perfectly normal things that 17 year olds do and still think it was unreasonable?

of course as parents we all worry, regardless their age. But one sure fire way to ensure a 17 yr starts to sneak around and hide things from their parents is to prohibit them from doing perfectly normal things

Floralnomad · 18/12/2023 19:04

At 17 why hasn’t your son got access to money for the train without asking you . YABVU anyway , they have to learn to be adults and nights out etc is the start of that .

uncomfortablydumb53 · 18/12/2023 19:05

He's 17 not 7!
What are you worried about?

Floofydawg · 18/12/2023 19:05

What are you going to do when he goes to uni in less than a year? You can't police his behaviour forever. You've been told unanimously that you're being unreasonable but your only response to everyone is 'yeah but..' Confused

Floopani · 18/12/2023 19:06

hulas · 18/12/2023 19:01

Yes, he's nearly an adult (albeit in 8 months!) but he's immature and easily led. The boyfriend isn't sensible due to his SN and I worry about alcohol being involved, especially on NYE when lots of people will be around and the boyfriend is an adult so can legally buy as much alcohol as they both want so they could end up getting very very drunk. If they were at the boyfriends house with his family, i’d worry less and perhaps have agreed.

DS also said I'm taking him to the boyfriend or giving him money for the train. Instead of asking.

What you have said about his boyfriend not being sensible due to his SN is quite offensive actually.

My DD has ASD and is two months younger than your DS. Yet she has navigated many a night out/gig with older friends without getting smashed or into trouble. And I usually give her a lift there too, along with some of her friends. YABVU.

Spirallingdownwards · 18/12/2023 19:06

Sorry what?!!! His boyfriend isn't sensible due to special needs!

Let your DS go and enjoy himself and drop him at the station or take him. The quickest way to alienate yourself from your teen is to judge their relationships.

Itsbeginingtolookalotlikexmas · 18/12/2023 19:07

You need to give him independence but let him know if he needs an emergency taxi or anything at all he can reach out to you. Will he do something irresponsible? maybe but you can’t baby him forever.

User1343 · 18/12/2023 19:08

If you don’t want your child to drown, you teach them to swim, not ban them from being anywhere near water

Underthesea65 · 18/12/2023 19:10

This has got to be a wind up, surely? 🙄