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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow 17 year old DS to visit his boyfriend on NYE

266 replies

hulas · 18/12/2023 18:41

My DS is 17 and openly gay, he turns 18 in August and is in his first year of college. He's been in a relationship with another boy since September. Boyfriend lives an hour and half away on the train but they've met multiple times, I haven't spoken to him very much as he's autistic, but he seems to make DS happy.

Boyfriend turns 19 on NYE and DS has asked/told me he's going to visit him either on the train or I can take him to the train station (he didn't ask, just assumed!).

There would be alcohol involved and DS is easily led and the boyfriend doesn't seem very sensible so I've said no (id also be giving him the money for the train)

He's said how unfair I am and that he hates me etc etc and now I'm wondering if I'm BU in saying no. WWYD?

OP posts:
Canisaysomething · 19/12/2023 10:05

He’s going to be 1.5 hours away by train staying the night with a guy he’s only ever had a long distance relationship with since September.

I wouldn’t even recommend an adult friend do this let alone someone who only turned 17 a few months ago. He doesn’t know this man enough to be doing this, he is putting himself in a very vulnerable situation.

This would be totally different if this man lived locally.

Dutch1e · 19/12/2023 10:33

I think this might be a good time to embark on an 8-month crash course in adulthood to help both of you break out of the negative cycle you've inadvertently become caught in.

In your shoes my first step would probably be to sit down and say "I owe you an apology for treating you as a little boy and I won't do it any more. You're a capable young man with the skills to earn your own money and make your own arrangements. I won't pry into your plans beyond the usual courtesies of letting each other know if we will be coming home late or tomorrow or whatever. With that in mind, I'm happy to give you one last bit of cash to tide you over until your first paycheck, and I won't be available as a taxi/housekeeper/secretary etc. It's unhealthy for us both. I'll supply the roof over your head and the food in the kitchen, the rest is up to you."

If he wastes his time stropping about it then so be it, you don't need to take the bait beyond sympathetic understanding murmurs.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 19/12/2023 13:00

Dutch1e · 19/12/2023 10:33

I think this might be a good time to embark on an 8-month crash course in adulthood to help both of you break out of the negative cycle you've inadvertently become caught in.

In your shoes my first step would probably be to sit down and say "I owe you an apology for treating you as a little boy and I won't do it any more. You're a capable young man with the skills to earn your own money and make your own arrangements. I won't pry into your plans beyond the usual courtesies of letting each other know if we will be coming home late or tomorrow or whatever. With that in mind, I'm happy to give you one last bit of cash to tide you over until your first paycheck, and I won't be available as a taxi/housekeeper/secretary etc. It's unhealthy for us both. I'll supply the roof over your head and the food in the kitchen, the rest is up to you."

If he wastes his time stropping about it then so be it, you don't need to take the bait beyond sympathetic understanding murmurs.

Manipulating and controlling much

Dutch1e · 19/12/2023 14:50

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 19/12/2023 13:00

Manipulating and controlling much

Show quote history

How so?

boyohboys · 19/12/2023 15:17

On the job refusal thing, I had this so stopped giving ANY money whatsoever as I realised lunch & bus money was saved for socialising which meant zero motivation to get a job. I got a pre-loaded bus pass and made sure there was always plenty for packed lunch & definitely no pocket money for helping out round the house. IMO that's what you do with younger children to try and instil a work ethic so that ship has long-since sailed and by 17 he should be helping round the house AND have a PT job. (my 17 year old is a lazy sod and house stuff is still a bit of a battle but he does at least have a job now and knows if he wants a lift anywhere that refusal to do basic chores does not inspire favours!)

Middleagedspreadisreal · 19/12/2023 17:39

You do know he's been very, very drunk before now?

saffy2 · 19/12/2023 18:20

They both sound like very normal 17/18 year olds to me. I regularly got so drunk I vomited and then continued drinking when I was at 6th form and uni, age 17-21. It’s not big or clever, but it’s very very normal. I wasn’t not sensible (am renowned in my family for being the sensible one!) and I was not easily led! I’m very strong minded. It’s just quite a normal way to learn about alcohol.
I learned my limits and changed the way I drink as I got older. As will these two young men.

in my opinion you have no right to stop him, he is practically an adult. And you should be very grateful that he has told you his plans. He doesn’t need to ask your permission.

MrsMiddleMother · 19/12/2023 18:30

Wow the responses on this thread would be VERY different if this was a 17 year old girl!

OP I would say no too! 1. Making you pay for him to see his long distance bf is a joke. 2. Not trusting him or his bf to be sensible and they'll be 1.5 hours away. I'd be concerned too. When he's 18 and working he can do what he likes, until then he's a child.

Amista77 · 19/12/2023 18:31

OP, I'm afraid your teens going out and getting stupidly drunk and you worrying about them is part of the course. Although your DS is BU in not working and spending money on things he can't afford (which is also part of the course for many kids) you are also BU in trying to control his behaviour. You can make the new year a chance to change things for both of you - loads of food advice by PPs.

laylababe5 · 19/12/2023 18:32

He's nearly an adult. Show him you trust him by letting him go. NYE is a big deal to teenagers. If he's not in by curfew he gets a relevant punishment and knows about it in advance (e.g. can't go on next 3 nights out).

azlazee1 · 19/12/2023 18:33

If he were away at college he would be making his own plans without any approval from you. Anyone in college is a young adult starting to live their own life. Time to start cutting the cord.

MeandT · 19/12/2023 18:34

For what it's worth, I spent NYE when I was 17 3 continents away from my parents and yes, there was both alcohol and sex.

So what?

Clarabell77 · 19/12/2023 18:56

What will you do in 8 months when he’s 18?

bananamangoes · 19/12/2023 19:03

You will push him away! You have to let him go a bit

Nononsensemumsy · 19/12/2023 19:09

YABVU my 17 year old DS would go regardless. He’s practically a grown up, I know it’s hard letting go, but that’s your problem not his.

CantFindMyMarbles · 19/12/2023 19:15

He’s 17. Meeting someone off the internet he’s met a couple of times….been in a relationship for a few months. I think it’s fair enough to be concerned but you can’t ban him. I’d just sit him down and have a conversation with him….explain your concerns and the risks.

Buffs · 19/12/2023 19:18

YABU

CantFindMyMarbles · 19/12/2023 19:21

On a different note….stop giving him money and feeding in tk his demands. He’s old enough for a part time job and responsibilities. Not a chance I’d be such as mug as to tolerate his ultimatums.

AnnieSnap · 19/12/2023 19:30

Yes, of course you are being unreasonable. He will be less than 6 months of legally being an adult!

AmIEnough · 19/12/2023 19:48

You need to let him go or risk losing him. I had to allow my 16 old to stay at her BF as I could see I was gradually losing her and my relationship with her means too much to put that at risk.

MagentaRocks · 19/12/2023 19:54

YABU about banning him, he should be able to have a social life at 17, but yanbu about him expecting you to pay for him. He refuses to get a job so he needs to learn that he can’t do things he wants to without money.

Notimeforaname · 19/12/2023 19:55

You can say no to giving him the money of course. But you are acting as though he is 10 years old.

Fanofbrianbilston · 19/12/2023 20:05

have a grown up conversation with him about risk & expectations and have a back up plan for what to do if he feels when he meets the person properly that he’s in danger. You want him to be able to tell you if it doesn’t work out as planned, as you would if it was a friend going out on a blind date.

Socksey · 19/12/2023 21:14

I think the important things are that a) he is happy to let you know where he's planning to be and b) very importantly, is that his boyfriend is of an appropriate age... I'll admit that I'd be more concerned if there was more than a few years between them...
How did they meet? And I assume they've already met in person?

Saymyname28 · 19/12/2023 21:36

I wouldn't give him a lift an hour and a half away. But yes a 17 year old lad can spend NYE with their boyfriend. It's ridiculous to think otherwise.

You're worried he'll get so drunk he's sick? Like that's not something 95% of us have all done at least once.

Also "he isn't diagnosed but I always suspected ADHD" how do you suspect ADHD in your child and not get them diagnosed? I think you're letting him down abit tbh.

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