To not allow 17 year old DS to visit his boyfriend on NYE

[hulas]

My DS is 17 and openly gay, he turns 18 in August and is in his first year of college. He's been in a relationship with another boy since September. Boyfriend lives an hour and half away on the train but they've met multiple times, I haven't spoken to him very much as he's autistic, but he seems to make DS happy.

Boyfriend turns 19 on NYE and DS has asked/told me he's going to visit him either on the train or I can take him to the train station (he didn't ask, just assumed!).

There would be alcohol involved and DS is easily led and the boyfriend doesn't seem very sensible so I've said no (id also be giving him the money for the train)

He's said how unfair I am and that he hates me etc etc and now I'm wondering if I'm BU in saying no. WWYD?

I'm going against the grain here but I wouldn't feel happy with this either. He's still only young, probably not used to drinking, not with anyone you know or trust and not exactly local should he get into a situation he's not comfortable with. You will worry all night. I would sit him down and explain to him. Try and find a compromise. Could the boyfriend come to you instead or just after new year to have their own birthday celebration. Tell him if he acts mature and works with you you will be a lot more supportive in his relationships. Invite the boyfriend round get to know him better

Erm, yeah YABVU. He’s a 17 yr old who wants to see his boyfriend on their birthday on NYE. That’s a no-brainer! Just give him some good advice on how to drink safely if he is going to and make sure you have some nurofen and bananas in the house for when he comes home.

I hate the autocorrect lately…

It should have said:
He may be 17 but if he still has tantrums telling you he hates you he doesn’t look mature enough at all.

He will never become mature if you baby him. Of course he wants to be with his boyfriend on New Year's Eve and yes they may well drink too much and have a horrible hangover to teach them not to do it again. You need to let him go and make his own mistakes. I would worry too but you cant reasonably say no.

Where do they plan to stay the night? You could say you will go and collect him and he has to leave at 12.30 a.m or you give him the train fare, drop him at the station and remind him that if he is worried at any time he can call you for help. I'd suggest you dont try and collect him.

. You can tick him off for not asking politely or say that now he's growing up he needs to think about funding himself next year but you've left it too late to deny him money for New Years Eve.

Why does sons bf not seem sensible?
I understand your reluctance but you have to let him go at some point.
My boys are 26&22 and I still worry when they go for nights out. It never leaves you, no matter what age. You have to let him go I'm afraid. X

OP, you have to let him go. Have a chat with him about staying safe if you feel you need to, but let him go, and tell him to have a good time.

These are the things that make or break our relationships with our adult children.

This can be really hard one but as a teenager who often rebelled I would say the more you say no the more sneaky he will become. Let him go but have a chat about your concerns and give him ways to stay safe show him you support him and offer to collect him at any time if he feels uncomfortable. Or suggest he brings his boyfriend to your house so they are nearer. Perhaps agree to a certain amount of alcohol for him to drink this shows you trust him and gives an open door for him to speak to you about what he actually is drinking or not.

his reaction is childish with I hate you and all that but you are treating him like a child so you can’t really blame him.

I’m a parent of a 17 yr old boy and much as it’s hard you have to let him go. You can’t say no.

Yes, he is 17. So, if he wants to visit his BF, he should be able to get a ride and pay for the trip on his own. Interesting that he doesn't seem able to do that, and the almost 19-year-old can't pay for his BF's travel expenses either. 🙄

He's either to be treated as an adult or treated like a child who needs money from mummy/daddy. Can't have it both ways.

Hopefully, he would also have paid for the trip himself and not expect mummy/daddy to fund his travel expenses.

Part of being a young adult is paying your own way and not relying on the bank of mummy/daddy to fund your life.

I think most posters have either missed the point of who has to fund this little trip.

They say, "He's 17 and old enough to go out, see his BF and drink on NYE", but say nothing of the fact that the 17 year-old is depending upon the bank of mummy and daddy to fund this jaunt. Funny how the almost 19-yr-old hasn't volunteered to pay for it either. 😆🙄

well you cant tell him what to do but he also cant demand you pay for the train either

@Lovesgreen you're wrong that those of us who allow our teens a lot of freedom don't worry. My son still always and will be my baby. His freedom scares me to death and I often worry about knife crime, mugging, all the usual for young men. But I balance my own anxiety against the need to allow him to naturally grow the independence that hopefully will go some way against protecting him against some of the mistakes he may make and learning to navigate the world as a young man. No he isn't 25 and I don't treat him like he is but freedom has to be gradual. Young adults don't suddenly develop when they're older after leading a totally sheltered life.

Not RTFT

However, would you have the same concerns if it were a girlfriend? If not YABU

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. However I wouldn’t stop him rather discuss it with him and come up with a plan that you can both work with especially regarding his safe travel home.

And how do you think the 17-yr-old is going to pay for this little jaunt? It appears he expects the bank of mummy/daddy to fund this little jaunt. He will probably also expect spending money, since the almost 19-yr-old hasn't volunteered to pay for the trip.

If he can pay for it all and get his own rides to the train station, pay for all his own expenses while gone and pay for the return trip and ride from the train station, then by all means, he should be allowed to go.

Expecting mummy and daddy to fund the trip makes him a child, not a young adult.

And I also wonder how many here would call their 17-yr-old a young adult if said young adult committed a felony crime. Or would the rhetoric then be, "He/she's just a child! His/her brain hasn't fully developed! He/she isn't old enough to be responsible for his/her actions/bad behavior!"

YABVU he’s 17! At least he is telling you the truth and not lieing about where he is going (which he could easily do). Would you be saying the same if it was his girlfriend? You don’t sound as though you like his boyfriend. I can’t ever imagine my parents saying I couldn’t go out with friends at 17.

He should of asked you for a lift or money rather than telling you so if you refuse to give him a lift/ money then I think that’s fair enough but don’t stop him going. If it was my son I’d give him a lift, I’d much rather know where he was.

yabu - he’s 17

@hulas I'd feel the exact same as you.

Sure, when I chose to do that, I did. But I wasn't EXPECTED to fund their jaunts.

Either you are a young adult who can take responsibility to pay your own way when you want to go do something, or you are a child who is relying on the bank of mummy and daddy. If either of mine has expected me to pay for their fun times/drinking excursions, I would have laughed. Giving a ride to them? Same thing. Sometimes I did, if I didn't have anything else going on, but I certainly wasn't their beck and call mom either.

At 17 I'd be happy to be told where he was going!
Did you offer a compromised, the bf coming to him instead perhaps?

The "demanding" part is where I would draw the line. If he wants to be treated as a young adult, he needs to act like one. Get a job, fund your own jaunts and I'll recognize you as a young adult. Think you are a young adult but expect mummy and daddy to fund your fun times/trips makes you NOT a young adult.

His BF should be offering to pay for the train ticket and any spending money if your DS doesn't have any.

As for the ride, if it isn't too far to the train station and no tolls involved, I'd give him a ride, unless it meant I had to miss work or something I had already planned.

Impressed he’s given you this much notice tbh.
I do agree he can’t demand you fund it though.
I do give mine lifts and money but do expect her to show willing and work at McDonald’s pt plus generally be respectful re lifts - ask not demand.