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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow 17 year old DS to visit his boyfriend on NYE

266 replies

hulas · 18/12/2023 18:41

My DS is 17 and openly gay, he turns 18 in August and is in his first year of college. He's been in a relationship with another boy since September. Boyfriend lives an hour and half away on the train but they've met multiple times, I haven't spoken to him very much as he's autistic, but he seems to make DS happy.

Boyfriend turns 19 on NYE and DS has asked/told me he's going to visit him either on the train or I can take him to the train station (he didn't ask, just assumed!).

There would be alcohol involved and DS is easily led and the boyfriend doesn't seem very sensible so I've said no (id also be giving him the money for the train)

He's said how unfair I am and that he hates me etc etc and now I'm wondering if I'm BU in saying no. WWYD?

OP posts:
verylongday · 18/12/2023 21:52

When i was 17 i told my parents i was going to the local pub for a quiet drink with my friends. I wasnt, i was going into Birmingham to see the Sex Pistols in concert (im very old).
Be grateful he's not lying to you and is telling you where he's going.
I have 3 sons. They're all much older now, but, whether you like it or not, you have to start letting him go. It'll go all kinds of pear shaped if you don't.

justasking111 · 18/12/2023 21:56

I've always thought Christmas was for the family new year for friends. So I'd worry but wouldn't stop him.

NerrSnerr · 18/12/2023 22:03

I was an August baby and my mum was like this. She didn't let me go out clubbing with my friends who had turned 18 (back in the day where everyone could get in everywhere) and there's no way she would have let me go and see a boyfriend/ girlfriend on the train on NYE.

Of course I went away to university 3 weeks after my 18th, went massively off the rails with my new freedom. I basically spent the whole time drinking all I could, having sex with anyone and everyone. It was the teenage rebellion I wasn't allowed at home.

Hedgehoglover · 18/12/2023 22:05

All that banning will do is make your son resent you. If you want a good relationship with your son once he turns 18 you need to start treating him with more respect. NYE is a big deal to a ternager. I think you have completely misjudged this. If you don't back down I really hope for your sake that your son isn't just less happy to tell you the truth about what he will be doing in the future.

Theresit · 18/12/2023 22:06

I bet every single one of us got into scrapes as teenagers which could have had dire consequences, but ended up working out ok. We learned from the mistakes and that kept us safe in the future.
Presumeably you’ve had discussions about safe sex, drink spiking, and not getting so drunk you can’t remember what happened? I also spoke with my DSs about how to deal with aggressive drunks and how to diffuse situations.

ActDottie · 18/12/2023 22:06

He’s 17!!! Let him go!

NC543210 · 18/12/2023 22:07

I agree with your son and think you're being unreasonable.

I am a parent to 2 ds late teens/young adults and a teen.
I know it's tough but you really do have to let them go. He will only resent you otherwise.

I'm playing taxi nye and my middle ds is 17. No doubt there will be alcohol involved and his girlfriend will be there but what can I do?
I've taught him to be responsible and I hope he is.

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 18/12/2023 22:13

At 17 I believe he is too old for you to be banning him from doing much. It's the preceeding years that were your opportunity to limit his access to alcohol, and certain social situations until you trusted his judgement.

DD is 16 next week, at this point the amount I limit her is far less, but she has had opportunities to practice on ensuring her own safety and is quite mature. If she isn't, well I can advise, but at 16 if she wants to she can choose to live elsewhere and decisions need to be made with that in mind...not pushing her into a situation where I have no control at all.

The best option?
Discuss with him the details and if you have strings attached to him having the money.

I'd also be giving him some advice in regards to where they're going, he isn't going to be allowed into many places at his age, and he needs educating on how prevalent and damaging drink spiking can be, and how to lower his risks

indecisivewoman81 · 18/12/2023 22:20

I really don't think you can ban a 17 year old from seeing their boyfriend

PartingGift · 18/12/2023 22:22

When I was 17, I got the train up to Glasgow (from the midlands) for NYE with two of my friends. I got myself to the train station and bought the train ticket with money from my part time job. Pretty sure I didn't ask my parent's permission, just told them I was going.

He's 17, not 12.

Lovesgreen · 18/12/2023 22:22

Cupcakekiller · 18/12/2023 21:28

@Lovesgreen you're wrong that those of us who allow our teens a lot of freedom don't worry. My son still always and will be my baby. His freedom scares me to death and I often worry about knife crime, mugging, all the usual for young men. But I balance my own anxiety against the need to allow him to naturally grow the independence that hopefully will go some way against protecting him against some of the mistakes he may make and learning to navigate the world as a young man. No he isn't 25 and I don't treat him like he is but freedom has to be gradual. Young adults don't suddenly develop when they're older after leading a totally sheltered life.

I never said those who allow their teen sons freedom don't worry. My 18 year old has a lot of freedom and I also battle my anxiety over knife crime etc because I don't want our relationship to suffer. But I also discuss with him the freedom he has weighed against him making sensible decisions and being safe. Sometimes a compromise on both sides is needed. 17 is still fairly young in this case, I'm sure there's a way to go about this that maes the op more comfortable. Teens still need parenting.

pontipinemum · 18/12/2023 22:26

I agree YABU about trying to stop him. He's 17, the bf is about to turn 19 so there is what 20 months between them? You are making it sound like the bf decades older.

But your DS is unreasonable to tell you, you are driving him. He need to know that he needs to ask and he needs to pay his own way.

Notalldogs23 · 18/12/2023 22:27

I think PPs are being very harsh to the OP - drinking so much you throw up and then planning on drinking again is not OK, it's dangerous and if the OP thinks that his boyfriend won't look out for him, that is a worry.

But like others have said, he's 17 and you can't lock him up. Can you tell him why you're worried, it's you being a mum etc and see if any of his friends are going along, there's always safety in numbers as they'll look out for each other.

You need to give him advice on not drinking to blackout/vomiting stage too - it's not healthy, he shouldn't need to get very drunk to feel he can socialise, I think in young people it's often a way to cover up insecurities and try to fit in. Talk to him honestly about drinking and the impact it will have on him, and how incredibly unattractive it is to vomit in front of his boyfriend and maybe he'll be a bit more careful.

I wouldn't give him the train fare - he can use Christmas money for it.

I don't think you're being ridiculous, it's tough that his boyfriend is that bit older and lives in a city rather than locally, so it's going a bit faster than if it was a local boy in the same friendship group.

ChampagneLassie · 18/12/2023 22:28

Let him go. How do you think young people learn these things than by doing? What age did you first get drunk? I was 13. By 17 I had a job, moved out of home and was able to make sensible choices. Baby your son and he’ll require parenting much longer. Let him be a teenager

jannier · 18/12/2023 22:34

Why do you feel your parenting hasn't given him life skills to stay as safe as anyone can be?

Teenagehorrorbag · 18/12/2023 22:36

hulas · 18/12/2023 20:04

I've spoken to him about drinking too much and peer pressure etc but I suspect he would drink a lot to try and impress his boyfriend. Boyfriend also lives in a big city which makes me worry as we don't so there’ll be a lot more people around.

DS hasn't got any diagnosed SEN but I've suspected he could have ADHD.

OP you're getting a hard time on here, but any parent of a ND child would have similar concerns. Even if your DS has no diagnosed issues, you say he's easily led and he is very young. I have a DS with ASD and ADHD and I would be equally concerned if he and partner were arranging to go out drinking with no-one to keep an eye.

I know I need to let go at some point. He's only 15 so not an issue yet, and he is really health conscious at the moment - but I'm sure if he met a forceful personality he would be led astray. I already worry about him getting in cars with lads who think driving fast is clever......

I do agree with PPs that you probably can't really make him stay at home - and if you do he will quite reasonably resent you. But I'd be equally worried. Can you agree to let him go but he keeps in contact at appropriate times and yes of course the usual warnings about condoms and drinking etc. And have you any contact with BFs parents? Might he stay at theirs (definitely find out his plans)? If so ask for their phone number and maybe text and say hi, here's my number just in case etc. Might make you feel more comfortable.....

Good luck. I'm dreading loosening the apron strings, so I sympathise....

Zonder · 18/12/2023 22:38

Regarding the money, perhaps if you gave him pocket money he would learn to budget. Maybe you could help him look for a job?

Regarding New Years Eve would you feel the same if it was a girlfriend?

Carol52 · 18/12/2023 22:42

I completely understand at 17 our children are still young. Try and explain to him your concerns and listen to him.
if you are unsure on how his boyfriend will behave then I would not want my child to go. It also depends how streetwise your son is . Good luck but try not to fall out with him.

Mumwithbaggage · 18/12/2023 22:49

I'm a bit confused. Absolutely he should be with his chosen partner, but why is he so immature as to demand a lift? Is your relationship not good? It's not really an ADHD thing to demand lifts at that age I don't think - I have ADHD and yes I had a volatile relationsip with my parents but knew the basic skills of social interaction.

Yes he may well get drunk. It's a phase, albeit a very worrying one as a parent. I have four now adult children so absolutely understand your concerns. I wouldn't stop him going but would be having a very serious talk about how to speak t people if you want them to help you out.

AndThatWasNY · 18/12/2023 23:05

You presumably live in the middle of nowhere and therefore part of that means giving lifts to teens.
You are being exceptionally embarrassingly wrong in saying no. I left home a few months after your son is now. I survived a very big city and have ADHD!

MadameCamembert · 18/12/2023 23:09

I haven’t read the full thread but have read your posts OP and, in the kindest way possible, get a fucking grip.
It’s a big confusion of boundary to think that you can ban a 17 year old from doing anything.
I’d be livid and moving out ASAP if I was him.

TerrysChocolateOrange · 18/12/2023 23:14

H’mmm

JoyeuxNarwhal · 18/12/2023 23:15

Would you have the same issue with it if his partner was a girl @hulas ?

Outliers · 18/12/2023 23:34

Y.A.N.B.U.

WeHaveChocIcesInTheFreezer · 18/12/2023 23:38

I was a fairly compliant, well behaved teen for my parents, but at 17 I wouldn’t have been told no to spending NYE with my boyfriend by my mum. Sorry OP but YABU.

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