To not allow 17 year old DS to visit his boyfriend on NYE

[hulas]

My DS is 17 and openly gay, he turns 18 in August and is in his first year of college. He's been in a relationship with another boy since September. Boyfriend lives an hour and half away on the train but they've met multiple times, I haven't spoken to him very much as he's autistic, but he seems to make DS happy.

Boyfriend turns 19 on NYE and DS has asked/told me he's going to visit him either on the train or I can take him to the train station (he didn't ask, just assumed!).

There would be alcohol involved and DS is easily led and the boyfriend doesn't seem very sensible so I've said no (id also be giving him the money for the train)

He's said how unfair I am and that he hates me etc etc and now I'm wondering if I'm BU in saying no. WWYD?

So what are you going to do when he's 18? He'll be doing exactly the same thing and you can't ban him then.

Just be thankful he can't get pregnant. I was 17 when I got pregnant.

He’s 17, I don’t think you can tell him he can’t go.

My dc is 17. I’d let him go. I’d give warning re excessive alcohol but I don’t think you can stop him.
He’s old enough to work though so I’d definitely not be funding everything and expect him to ask not demand lifts.

Can you not talk to him about your fears?
You can't just ban him from going.

You cannot control your son's social life, you can only have conversations about what it safe etc. Of course they want to spend NYE together, it's a special night for young people. Yes, they will probably get drunk, which is what most teenagers do at that age. I would have given my son the train money and some extra to spend, because I'd be happy that he was going out to enjoy himself. That's not to say I never worried about him, but all that I asked was that he would text me if he wasn't coming home. You have to let them live their own lives - my son went to uni after that where I know he used to drink far too much but I just wasn't there to see it.

Why are you so worried about alcohol? He'll be legal to drink in a few months time. You're being extremely unreasonable

Yabvu. My 17 year old comes and goes as he pleases, as he should. Goes where he wants, when he wants. He's going to be a legal adult soon, could be living away from home. You're not doing much to equip him for adult life.

I’d be grateful that he told you his plans. He might not do that in the future. I honestly don’t see why you posted in AIBU asking WWYD when you don’t want to listen to anyone who tells you how unreasonable you are being and also gives advice. Let your son go and tell him to have a good time with his boyfriend on his birthday. Why would you prevent them both from enjoying themselves? You do realise your son’s boyfriend was wanting him there for his birthday? Another day won’t be as special.
All teenagers drink and have a good time. All get drunk too. I’m not surprised your son has never told you though.

Omg, WILDLY unreasonable!! I think most adults (as he is), would go whether you banned them or not.

I'd also stop keeping giving him money, and encourage him getting a job in the new year... It's also infantilizing to keep giving him pocket money in lieu of him earning it himself, sorry.

He's 17. You are being very unreasonable. Let him live his life.

Would you let him if it was a gf not a bf.

Omg. So unreasonable. Your poor son.

Oh, let him go! He'll have a great time.

I'm going against the grain here - it sounds like the boyfriend and possibly your son are both ND? In which case there can be a delay of maturity - my DS is ADHD and although he's 18 some of his insights are more like a 15. year old. He's fine, he works, he's happy and sociable and fine but he's not quite like his peers and is likely to make stupid decisions which have (touch wood) so far not led to disaster but that's because of luck not wise choices.

I'd not stop them from seeing each other though - could the boyfriend come to you? Is there a great street party nearby and the two of them can stay the night with you so you know they aren't falling into a canal or getting into a fight by saying the stupid fucking thing? (see what I mean about luck?)

. I know he isn't very sensible
DS took him to a Halloween party a few months ago and he got very drunk to the point he was vomiting. Then according to DS’s friend DS was about to carry on drinking and get very drunk also until his friends told him not to drink anymore

Have you met any uni students before op?

I was at the sensible end of the spectrum at a russell group uni, high grades etc. I got drunk to the point of puking plenty of times at uni.

Id be warning him about safe sex and to drink plenty of water if drinking a lot of booze, and eat plenty to soak it up.

This.

If you want to alienate your son, push him away and stop him ever confiding in you then by all means, crack on.

OP
You’re being very very silly here. This is the time to start letting him go, let him learn these life lessons, and building a healthy open relationship between you. This is not the way to go about it.

I wonder if you would feel differently if he was going to a party with a girl?

Mean!

You seem to have made up your mind. But in 8 months time you're going to have an adult son with little experience of life but who is so resentful of you & your judgement that he will not be able to turn to you for advice.

Perhaps he'll be at uni or travelling & get into difficulty. It's far better if he makes his mistakes now, while you're still nearby to help him navigate them.

Gosh I seem to be in the minority but I have 17 year olds with adhd and I just think there is a vast spectrum of 17 year olds out there - some of who would be perfectly fine with what your son has suggested and in fact might have done this before - others who are more vulnerable.

I have no doubt my opinion has been tempered by my personal experience which includes me being a barmaid where I witnessed the consequences of excessive drinking - sadly including one patron who died when he stopped breathing in his sleep due to the level of alcohol in his body and his brain forgot to tell him to breathe (he was not served by me I might add) - so I think you are being sensible being concerned.

18 is the legal age not 17 - and 8 months is a lot of time in teen brain development.

For me the question is not would you let him but how can you let him while increasing his safety?

I would be trying to think of a compromise. Like can you go to that town and at least be near if he is having issues?

I think other posters are also saying you should let him - but since letting him means you have to pay for him to go as he doesn’t have the funds kind of means it’s ok for you to have input into this decision.

He may be 17 but if he still have tantrum telling you he is gating you he doesn’t look mature enough at all.

Personally, I wouldn’t ban him from going but there will be no fucking way I would be paying for the train of giving my child a lift after he told me he hates me, even if I know he didn’t mean it as such.

He wants respect and be treated like an adult? He’ll better start showing you some and stop the tantrums.

Why can't he visit his boyfriend? Seems a perfectly normal request for a 17 year old. Also, why is alcohol an issue?