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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow 17 year old DS to visit his boyfriend on NYE

266 replies

hulas · 18/12/2023 18:41

My DS is 17 and openly gay, he turns 18 in August and is in his first year of college. He's been in a relationship with another boy since September. Boyfriend lives an hour and half away on the train but they've met multiple times, I haven't spoken to him very much as he's autistic, but he seems to make DS happy.

Boyfriend turns 19 on NYE and DS has asked/told me he's going to visit him either on the train or I can take him to the train station (he didn't ask, just assumed!).

There would be alcohol involved and DS is easily led and the boyfriend doesn't seem very sensible so I've said no (id also be giving him the money for the train)

He's said how unfair I am and that he hates me etc etc and now I'm wondering if I'm BU in saying no. WWYD?

OP posts:
FreddieMercurysCat · 19/12/2023 21:42

Oh fgs! You’re being massively unreasonable.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 20/12/2023 00:20

Congrats @hulas you have a normal 17 yo. Send him off and tell him not to be stupid but to have fun. Suggest he makes plans to stay with the BF and to call you if he needs anything.

Nanaof1 · 20/12/2023 06:20

hulas · 19/12/2023 08:58

He refuses to get a job, I still give him money for lunches at college etc but most the time he doesn't buy lunch, I also give him money for helping around the house. When he asks for more, I don't give it him. But he often lies and says he didn't spend it

I think posters are missing where I said he will be an hour and half away so it isn't as easy as picking him up again which is making me worry more. I'm not blaming his boyfriend if DS drinks too much but as I said in a PP I suspect DS would drink a lot to show off and try to impress his boyfriend and if they're both drunk they won't have anyone looking out for them.

Nobody is missing anything. He is 17 years old. You cannot have total control over him just because you control the purse strings.

What YOU are missing is that people keep telling you to make him stand up and act like the young man he professes to be.

"He refuses to get a job". Why would he get a job when he has got a live ATM he can bully/beg money from? STOP enabling him to be a lazy ass. STOP giving him money unless he earns it, and I don't mean him getting 50 quid for taking out the garbage. When he wants money, and you don't just lay down and give it to him, he'll figure out the only way to get cash is to earn it/work for it.

I think your DS acts very, very entitled, and you raised him to be that way. Then, after spoiling him rotten, you expect him to not go see his BF on NYE. You cannot control what a 17-year-old does, and keeping them dependent upon you for their money is a lack of parenting on your part.

badfurday · 20/12/2023 07:16

The only way he will ever learn and mature is if he goes out and experiences life. So what if he gets drunk and throws up? He'll then learn his limits.

You run the risk of pushing him away if you are too strict.

sumayyah · 20/12/2023 08:16

You said you haven't spoken much to his boyfriend so what makes you think he isn't a sensible person? Because he's autistic? Or is there something about him you know of that makes you think this?

My daughter is autistic, at 17 she regularly took a train after I taught her how with another autistic class mate to go to the cinema together, no mishaps or near misses and at 18 I sent her off against professionals advice on a 4 hour journey to a uni to see her friend, alcohol involved and nothing happened to either of them other than her leaving him to sleep one off as his snores apparently 😂

So what is it you think your son's going to be led down the garden path to do?

At what age will you stop telling him where he's allowed to go?

Daisies12 · 20/12/2023 08:25

You’re being ridiculous. He’s an adult. You will ruin your relationship if you attempt to “ban” him. 17 year olds will drink alcohol-best to be honest and talk about being careful, both with alcohol and sex.

threatmatrix · 20/12/2023 11:37

Stand your ground. You are just protecting him.

MeMySonAnd1 · 20/12/2023 11:58

I have not read half of the thread but just wanted to mention that there are ways you can keep your children protected while giving them freedom.

When DS was still a not very good at knowing his limits teen, we found the common ground. I agreed that I was not going to vet or control what he was up to when he was out (not that I could anyway...) in exchange of him...

  • Letting me know who he was with and what time was expected to come back (before midnight, after midnight, tomorrow, etc)
  • Sending me a text to say he was on his way home once he left his friends and was heading back alone.
  • If the plans changed, and he was not coming back before next day, he just needed to send a message letting me know who he was staying with*
  • Note: by who he was with or staying with I just needed to have the name of any person who could give me a clue of what may have happened to him if he didn't return home for more than 24 hrs since his last message.

We also had the agreement that if at any time he was any in trouble and needed to be picked up asap, that he just needed to text me a word we had agreed and I would go and find him wherever he was, at any time, no questions asked. He only used it once, which in turn reassured me that "no news, is good news".

I am not going to say that my child is now the most sensible individual, he does pretty stupid things some times, but he is very independent and has the reliance to get himself out of trouble on his own, which is as much as I can expect for a young adult.

Best of luck, but remember, don't pay for fun things for kids who claim they hate you, even if they just said it in the spur of the moment. They need to learn that actions have consequences and if they want to be seen as adult they should behave like adults and respect you as the adult you are as well.

anyolddinosaur · 20/12/2023 21:50

If you are really concerned you can go and spend New Years Eve in the same area as the boyfriend - visit the cinema maybe, then a pub. Then you can pick him up and bring him back after midnight. You wont be able to drink for the evening but no-one ever said being a parent was easy.

It's never easy to let a child take risks but you have to do it when they are nearly adult.

Bouledeneige · 21/12/2023 10:51

Wow OP. Let him live his life and stop controlling him.

Of course 17 and 18 year olds will drink alcohol on NYE! Most kids will have been doing that since they were 15 (and more besides).

My DS's girlfriend was sleeping over throughout 6th form and they went to parties and got drunk. So what? It's normal.

CharityShopHalfPriceSale · 21/12/2023 12:33

Will your DS be having driving lessons or motorcycle lessons soon ?

He could get a PT job to fund this too

jannier · 21/12/2023 15:38

Isn't the possibility of Uni only 10 months away? What will you do then?

Diamondcurtains · 21/12/2023 15:42

I have a a 17 year old daughter and a 16 year old son. I would at least want to meet the other person. How will he get home? Is he expecting you to pick him up? In this instance I’d probably say no too.

PinkArt · 21/12/2023 15:55

hulas · 18/12/2023 19:01

Yes, he's nearly an adult (albeit in 8 months!) but he's immature and easily led. The boyfriend isn't sensible due to his SN and I worry about alcohol being involved, especially on NYE when lots of people will be around and the boyfriend is an adult so can legally buy as much alcohol as they both want so they could end up getting very very drunk. If they were at the boyfriends house with his family, i’d worry less and perhaps have agreed.

DS also said I'm taking him to the boyfriend or giving him money for the train. Instead of asking.

He's an adult in 8 months, not 8 years. You have very little time left to help him prepare for being a grown up and this sounds like a great chance to move things a big step along.

As he doesn't have a job - another thing I'd be fixing ASAP as he sounds woefully unprepared for the next stage of his life from what you've written - he can spend some Christmas money on the ticket

LaDamaDeElche · 23/12/2023 16:42

Isn’t part of being 17 doing stupid things like getting too drunk from time to time. Life is a learning curve, you have to live it and make mistakes to learn. I honestly thought most 17 year olds had more freedom than this, or do the rules just change at 12am on their 18th birthday? My mum was an extremely strict parent and I had to lie to do anything, but even she’d chilled out by the time I was 17.

ThinWomansBrain · 23/12/2023 16:47

he's nearly an adult (albeit in 8 months!) but he's immature
Maybe because you infantilise him?

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