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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow 17 year old DS to visit his boyfriend on NYE

266 replies

hulas · 18/12/2023 18:41

My DS is 17 and openly gay, he turns 18 in August and is in his first year of college. He's been in a relationship with another boy since September. Boyfriend lives an hour and half away on the train but they've met multiple times, I haven't spoken to him very much as he's autistic, but he seems to make DS happy.

Boyfriend turns 19 on NYE and DS has asked/told me he's going to visit him either on the train or I can take him to the train station (he didn't ask, just assumed!).

There would be alcohol involved and DS is easily led and the boyfriend doesn't seem very sensible so I've said no (id also be giving him the money for the train)

He's said how unfair I am and that he hates me etc etc and now I'm wondering if I'm BU in saying no. WWYD?

OP posts:
Luxell934 · 18/12/2023 19:48

hulas · 18/12/2023 19:35

I do talk to his boyfriend when he's here but before we first met DS told me that he wouldn't talk much because he's autistic and struggles speaking to people he doesn't know very well. I know he isn't very sensible
DS took him to a Halloween party a few months ago and he got very drunk to the point he was vomiting. Then according to DS’s friend DS was about to carry on drinking and get very drunk also until his friends told him not to drink anymore which is also why I'm worrying about the being just the two of them drinking together.

DS doesn't work and whenever I (or another family member) give him money he wastes it straight away on a video game he plays then wants me to give him more.

Wow, he had too much to drink on halloween and vomited. Big deal. Did you never go out drinking at that age OP I know I did, many times.

You wouldn't be unreasonable to suggest DS gets a saturday job and pays for his own train fair though.

Onelifeonly · 18/12/2023 19:50

At that age you can't stop them, and you shouldn't. I did what I wanted from 16 and just told my parents. I admit though that I would have ASKED if I wanted a lift. But the fact he just told you sounds like he could be fed up with your boundaries and was trying to exercise some authority.

By all means chat to him about not over doing the alcohol and what to do if he does etc. But if he wants to drink, he will, and let's face it, many / most teens experiment in this way. I did and became a daily drinker - other than a lot of raging hangovers, nothing bad came of it.

As for a 19 year old not being "sensible", well that goes with the territory! They're grown up but not, on the whole, like fully fledged adults at that age.

Let him have fun. If you treat him well, he may even message you to let you lnow how things are going.

I'd give the lift too and offer to collect. You know offering a means of transport is one of only a very few ways that you can exert any control over older teens. (That and giving money)

SuperheroBirds · 18/12/2023 19:52

Getting drunk at parties is pretty standard behaviour for people in their late teens. It is part of growing up and learning what your limits are.
It is perfectly reasonable for him to want to spending New Year with his boyfriend, and if you keep trying to control him it can only hurt your relationship.

HellonHeels · 18/12/2023 19:53

Bloody hell. Give him the train fare and a pack of condoms, drop him at the station and let him go!

Ablondiebutagoody · 18/12/2023 19:53

He will drink. He most likely will get very, very drunk. He might vomit. Who cares? Sounds like a regular Saturday night for me at his age. Let him live his life ffs.

Sugarsun · 18/12/2023 19:54

I would either suggest that the BF comes to closer to DS or that you take DS and pick him up.

When my DD gets to that age I think I will always pick her up, so she’s less at risk of going home with strangers (also easily led).

Ap42 · 18/12/2023 19:56

At 17 I was no longer living at home. He's old enough to make his own decisions. You can support him, talk to him about alcohol etc... or he'll do it anyway.

YeahIsaidit · 18/12/2023 19:57

Sugarsun · 18/12/2023 19:34

I agree with posters saying to compromise and have the boyfriend at yours instead.

Tell them you will buy them alcohol and takeaway.

They could even go to a safe local area near you and you can drop them off and pick them up.

It’s very difficult because he is a young adult but because of his vulnerability it makes it very difficult.

It's the BFs birthday night out, you can't surely expect them to change his plans to suit mummy

GreenWheat · 18/12/2023 20:00

Assuming his boyfriend doesn't live in a crack house full of drug dealing gangsters, it just sounds like normal teenage behaviour, wanting to spend NYE with your boyfriend on his birthday.

OhmygodDont · 18/12/2023 20:01

Right every adult that’s been sick while drinking. Hand over your adult cards. Your clearly not adulting right tut tut.

Blueblell · 18/12/2023 20:01

Have you considered inviting his boyfriend to stay with you and suggest they go out locally - that way he will be near home. I know you are getting a hard time on here but I can understand you worrying if he is not use to going out ect.

OhmygodDont · 18/12/2023 20:02

It’s his boyfriend’s birthday party. Sure his going to want to go to his boyfriends mummies house or near by instead 😂😂

gamerchick · 18/12/2023 20:04

OhmygodDont · 18/12/2023 20:02

It’s his boyfriend’s birthday party. Sure his going to want to go to his boyfriends mummies house or near by instead 😂😂

Right, because that's what newly 19 yr olds would choose to do on their birthday on the party night of the year. Go and be chaperoned by their blokes mother...

Original poster
hulas · 18/12/2023 20:04

I've spoken to him about drinking too much and peer pressure etc but I suspect he would drink a lot to try and impress his boyfriend. Boyfriend also lives in a big city which makes me worry as we don't so there’ll be a lot more people around.

DS hasn't got any diagnosed SEN but I've suspected he could have ADHD.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 18/12/2023 20:04

hulas · 18/12/2023 19:35

I do talk to his boyfriend when he's here but before we first met DS told me that he wouldn't talk much because he's autistic and struggles speaking to people he doesn't know very well. I know he isn't very sensible
DS took him to a Halloween party a few months ago and he got very drunk to the point he was vomiting. Then according to DS’s friend DS was about to carry on drinking and get very drunk also until his friends told him not to drink anymore which is also why I'm worrying about the being just the two of them drinking together.

DS doesn't work and whenever I (or another family member) give him money he wastes it straight away on a video game he plays then wants me to give him more.

My parents were pretty unreasonable in many ways but they did not try to tell me what I could do on NYE when I was 17!

If you want your son to learn about the value of money then that is a completely different matter, but you don’t fix it by attempting to ground a near adult.

You are being absolutely ridiculous.

StinkyWizzleteets · 18/12/2023 20:05

OP I suggest heading down to boots and buying a big bag of cotton wool then wrapping your son up in it until he’s met your milestones for sensibility and maturity.

Failing that, give him the coping skills to be an independent adult, tell him to be careful when drinking to always wear a condom when having sex and to go enjoy
himself.

YABVU

clpsmum · 18/12/2023 20:06

You're being very unfair I agree with him. Quite nasty of you to not let them spend NYE and his birthday together. He's 17
Not 11

Viviennemary · 18/12/2023 20:09

If the boy could be a 'bad influence on your DS re alcohol consumption and so on I can see why you are concerned. But all things considered I think you should let him go.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 18/12/2023 20:10

I feel sorry for them both. You need to cut the apron strings.

SoRainbowRhythms · 18/12/2023 20:12

Why did you ask for opinions just to argue your own point?

I hope he goes and has a great time, like a 17 year old guy should.

Katbum · 18/12/2023 20:16

YABU. He is 17! That’s the age when you are most likely to want to be with your mates and partners and not with mum and dad. Odd you would still act as if he is a child.

housethatbuiltme · 18/12/2023 20:16

As someone with SN (we are disabled not children) this is VERY patronizing of you OP. It seems like your attempting to make every excuse in the book.

He is 17, he could legally impregnate a woman if they where both sexually consenting and he where so inclined too so he can equally spend the night at his boyfriends if he wants.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 18/12/2023 20:17

I was 17 when I spent my last ever NYE with my mum. It was 1999 and my mum refused to let me spend it with friends. She then took herself off to bed at 10pm apart from shouting for me to come in at midnight and wish her a happy new year.

I've always had NYE as a time to spend with friends since.

Starzinsky · 18/12/2023 20:19

For your sons sake cut the apron strings. YABU

Caththegreat · 18/12/2023 20:21

Actually NYE is for anyone that likes it