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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow 17 year old DS to visit his boyfriend on NYE

266 replies

hulas · 18/12/2023 18:41

My DS is 17 and openly gay, he turns 18 in August and is in his first year of college. He's been in a relationship with another boy since September. Boyfriend lives an hour and half away on the train but they've met multiple times, I haven't spoken to him very much as he's autistic, but he seems to make DS happy.

Boyfriend turns 19 on NYE and DS has asked/told me he's going to visit him either on the train or I can take him to the train station (he didn't ask, just assumed!).

There would be alcohol involved and DS is easily led and the boyfriend doesn't seem very sensible so I've said no (id also be giving him the money for the train)

He's said how unfair I am and that he hates me etc etc and now I'm wondering if I'm BU in saying no. WWYD?

OP posts:
Catza · 18/12/2023 19:10

The boyfriend isn't sensible due to his SN

Again, you haven't spoken to him much "due to his autism" so how can you know? Do you assume every autistic person is "not being sensible"?

Would you feel better if your son was asking to see his neurotypical girlfriend on NYE?

Greekgreens · 18/12/2023 19:10

Any chance of comprise and inviting the boyfriend over instead?

YoBeaches · 18/12/2023 19:12

At 17 there will Be lots of places he can get alcohol from, I'm certain he doesn't need to travel an hour and a half for that so your logic or fear is misplaced.

You come across like you have a problem with him going to see his boyfriend, full stop.

And as for his manners, it could be he's trying to be assertive with his controlling mother.

Why doesn't he have money of his own for the train? Does he work? Earn money through household jobs?

strawberry2017 · 18/12/2023 19:12

You have a couple of issues.
The rudeness isn't acceptable, he should ask if you are happy to give the money or take him to the train, it's rude to assume.
Realistically he's an adult and you can't really control him. However if it makes you that uncomfortable could you invite the boyfriend to yours for a few days so you could get to know him.
However you are going to have to let your son make his own decisions soon.

gamerchick · 18/12/2023 19:15

Hes told old for you to say no. Be careful mama, he could leave home any time he wants. Then he can do what he wants and probably find life harder.

Why don't you trust your parenting?

Shadowsindarkplaces · 18/12/2023 19:15

Candycurrantbun · 18/12/2023 18:54

So you would never help your kids out then when they are at college? Presumably to get some qualifications. Never give them a lift or some cash?

Show quote history

that's not what I said. Mine would have asked nicely for a lift, not expected. NYE out on the lash with boyfriends/ girlfriends is an adult activity. They can work it out. They had holiday/ weekend jobs to pay for their social lives. All normal expenses were covered until they finished school. Hell, I've never been out on NYE , too expensive!

Digestivechocolatebiscuit · 18/12/2023 19:16

How very mean.. he's nearly an adult.. let him be one.
Tell him what l used to tell my daughters..
" I am trusting you.. please don't betray my trust".
It worked..they are in their 30s now.

5128gap · 18/12/2023 19:17

You have two issues here. You're worried for his safety because you imagine two immature irresponsible young men let loose with unlimited alcohol on the biggest party night of the year is an accident waiting to happen. Not unreasonable to be concerned given the daft things they do when they're that age.

Secondly that your son is being entitled and demanding in expecting the lift and train fare without even asking nicely. Again, fair enough.

The answer to neither issue though, imo is to forbid him like a child. In the first case you need to talk to him about harm limitation with alcohol. I made sure my DSs knew that while some drinks in excess will make you sick, others will kill you, and to stay off spirits until they knew their limits. I also made sure thst whatever happened to whoever, if they got into a situation they could call, any time of night.
In the second case, point out you prefer to be asked not told. You'll pay this time, but next time his BF can visit him or pay his train fare.

bananaboats · 18/12/2023 19:20

I think there are 2 separate issues here, he's 17 old enough to go out with his bf for nye & if he drinks too much leave him to it we all have to learn sometime surprised you've made it til 17 for this to be an issue tbh! That being said the rudely demanding lifts/train fare isn't on & I wouldn't be accepting that.

elm26 · 18/12/2023 19:22

At 17 I would just say "I'm out NYE with friends/boyfriend" and my parents would ask me to text them to let them know I'm safe and call if I/my friends/boyfriend needed them/a lift no matter what time it was. I hope to be the same with my DD. I was allowed to be a young adult and really enjoyed my late teens. I think YABU.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2023 19:25

Perhaps your son is immature because you treat him like a toddler.

LIZS · 18/12/2023 19:26

In what way are they not sensible? Drinking at 17/18 is pretty normal. Just how well do they know each other?

Hippobot · 18/12/2023 19:27

You can get married at 16! I had moved away from home and was at university full time at 17. Imagine my parents trying to police my activities as a uni student in halls 🤣. You are being very unreasonable and controlling.

AnneValentine · 18/12/2023 19:28

hulas · 18/12/2023 19:01

Yes, he's nearly an adult (albeit in 8 months!) but he's immature and easily led. The boyfriend isn't sensible due to his SN and I worry about alcohol being involved, especially on NYE when lots of people will be around and the boyfriend is an adult so can legally buy as much alcohol as they both want so they could end up getting very very drunk. If they were at the boyfriends house with his family, i’d worry less and perhaps have agreed.

DS also said I'm taking him to the boyfriend or giving him money for the train. Instead of asking.

Welcome to 17. What are you going to do in 8 months?

OhmygodDont · 18/12/2023 19:29

Looool at the idea of thinking you could actually stop a 17 year old from drinking or drinking and having sex with their bf or gf. Good joke haha

Seriously though he shouldn’t be telling you what you are doing but good luck banning him.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2023 19:30

Just out of curiosity, exactly how do you intend to prevent your son from drinking or being "easily led" by someone other than his boyfriend? If you ban him from travelling to the boyfriend, are you going to then lock him in the house all day and night on NYE?

You need to get a massive grip and allow your son the opportunity to grow up and gain life experience. He isn't going to magically become more mature when you're coddling him like this.

ClareWilsonNS · 18/12/2023 19:31

Hi OP, this relationship aside, if you think your son is immature, one way to help our teens become more mature is to encourage them to get a Saturday job, so they have their own source of income - and won't annoy you by constantly asking for hand-outs for activities that you disapprove of. Sometimes the only way to make them get a job is to (a) make sure they aren't getting too much pocket money and so they NEED money, and (b) help them out by showing them shops, cafes, etc, that are looking for staff.

PastorCarrBonarra · 18/12/2023 19:31

Greekgreens · 18/12/2023 19:10

Any chance of comprise and inviting the boyfriend over instead?

I thought this, then realised that it’s the boyfriend’s birthday event too, so presumably he has friends coming as well.

OP - it’s wrong of him to demand money for the fare, but you can’t stop him going.

LightToTheWorld · 18/12/2023 19:31

Do people still say "openly gay"?

Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2023 19:32

LightToTheWorld · 18/12/2023 19:31

Do people still say "openly gay"?

Seriously! It's like I'm back in 1986 or something.

Delpf · 18/12/2023 19:32

Hippobot · 18/12/2023 19:27

You can get married at 16! I had moved away from home and was at university full time at 17. Imagine my parents trying to police my activities as a uni student in halls 🤣. You are being very unreasonable and controlling.

They changed it earlier this year. 18, now!

Paddington98 · 18/12/2023 19:32

Is it just on MN that people treat their 17 year olds like this? It always makes me think I had a very liberal upbringing as I was basically living as an adult and allowed to do whatever I wanted as long as I went to sixth form! That was the case for all my mates, but it seems very unusual now!
Can you really ban him from going at 17 OP?

NuffSaidSam · 18/12/2023 19:33

OP how are you going to approach teaching your DS to be sensible with alcohol (and in general) in the eight months between now and him turning 18?

You've left it quite late to have a child who can't be trusted to have a drink or go out on NYE....

MikeRafone · 18/12/2023 19:33

DS also said I'm taking him to the boyfriend or giving him money for the train. Instead of asking.

he can pay for his own train fare from his wages, its not up to you to be a cash point machine

LambriniBobinIsleworth · 18/12/2023 19:33

I spent NYE when I was 17 with my boyfriend and got leglessly drunk. Path for the course. I'm still here to tell the tale, more than 20yrs later. So is he, or so I see from Facebook.