To not allow 17 year old DS to visit his boyfriend on NYE

[hulas]

My DS is 17 and openly gay, he turns 18 in August and is in his first year of college. He's been in a relationship with another boy since September. Boyfriend lives an hour and half away on the train but they've met multiple times, I haven't spoken to him very much as he's autistic, but he seems to make DS happy.

Boyfriend turns 19 on NYE and DS has asked/told me he's going to visit him either on the train or I can take him to the train station (he didn't ask, just assumed!).

There would be alcohol involved and DS is easily led and the boyfriend doesn't seem very sensible so I've said no (id also be giving him the money for the train)

He's said how unfair I am and that he hates me etc etc and now I'm wondering if I'm BU in saying no. WWYD?

I agree with posters saying to compromise and have the boyfriend at yours instead.

Tell them you will buy them alcohol and takeaway.

They could even go to a safe local area near you and you can drop them off and pick them up.

It’s very difficult because he is a young adult but because of his vulnerability it makes it very difficult.

I live in Scotland. It's still 16 in Scotland.

And if he gets very very drunk?

I do talk to his boyfriend when he's here but before we first met DS told me that he wouldn't talk much because he's autistic and struggles speaking to people he doesn't know very well. I know he isn't very sensible
DS took him to a Halloween party a few months ago and he got very drunk to the point he was vomiting. Then according to DS’s friend DS was about to carry on drinking and get very drunk also until his friends told him not to drink anymore which is also why I'm worrying about the being just the two of them drinking together.

DS doesn't work and whenever I (or another family member) give him money he wastes it straight away on a video game he plays then wants me to give him more.

At 17 I would have have laughed and laughed if my dad told me I couldn’t go out and gone out regardless I’m sorry. He’s nearly an adult.

This is going to sound harsh but…you raised him. Yes he should’ve asked instead of told you he needed a lift but…you raised him so it’s kinda on you.

As many other PP have said, he’s 17. He’s likely been drunk many times (with or without your knowledge) and he wants to go have fun on NYE with his boyfriend. I cannot really see any reason you’ve laid out that would make sense to deny him.

Maybe it's time your son got a hob so he could pay for his own train etc. Teach him some manners too, he seems ti be lacking them.

And maybe you should be teaching him what yo look out for when out and about, rather than saying 'he is easily lead'. That's on you for not helping him be wiser.

Why not spend some time with the bf, getting to know him, rather than assuming he's not sensible due to his autism. He may actually be very sensible.

I'd be happy my son asked at that age, and would have a discussion about drinking, staying safe and generally how to behave on a night out. It's always a worry, but your son needs to know you're supporting him, not stopping him, as he turns into an adult.

DS doesn't work

then he needs to get a P/T job and do some growing up, he can't jut get money out of thin air

Ooh, I had no idea. Thanks!

I wonder if there'll be a Gretna Green revival? 😄

Yep, 16 in NI too

It's a tricky one.

From your updates, I'd be concerned, however, your son needs to learn to stand on his own feet.

Let this go then , maybe, reassess.

Hadn't thought of that. Perhaps there will be! Hopefully young folk these days have more sense though.

“DS took him to a Halloween party a few months ago and he got very drunk to the point he was vomiting”

So hes a completely normal teenager.

Your son certainly shouldn't be demanded lifts or expect unlimited money from you. The idea of him getting a job is a good one. You can't wrap him in cottonwool for ever OP - I understand you don't want him getting drunk and being easily led etc etc but he needs to learn to make his own decisions which he can't if you're making them for him.

Was just about to say the same

I'm 30 an not embarrassed to say Iv thrown up a few times this year from drinking too much with the girls 🤣 they're teens op have you forgot what it was like?
Let him go he's got to find his own way x

Yes, this!
I can understand you being a bit concerned about him getting home if the trains are cancelled and I've always encouraged my "openly gay" 😂son to either stay over at his BF's or to have BF stay here.
Please be careful OP or you could end up losing your lad forever.

Is there a drip feed that your son has ASN? If not you're BU to forbid him to go but you certainly don't have to give him more money if he's spent his allowance on computer games.

Say no at your peril...

Unreasonable to deny him the opportunity to be present for an important day for his boyfriend on the basis of normal teenage risk taking but not unreasonable to make him think carefully about how he gets what he wants (eg asking nicely, being more sensible with his own money etc).

I'd let him go but he needs to be pulled up on the attitude if he wants picking up and dropping off and ground rules.

and if you give him money it needs to be some sort of system, i.e. like pocket money or in return for working as he clearly has no sense of the value or effort required to make it.

he needs a job.

but yes let him go. he is also old enough to organise how he gets there and back that doesn't include you doing the driving.

Let that boy go! It will only create more problems to control a very-nearly-adult. My mum was extremely controlling of me as a child, teen and adult and it’s only made my life SO much harder. I’m often incapable of making my own decisions and struggle to trust my intuition even now I have my own children!

No don't be silly, it's the boyfriend who is autistic so obviously going to lead the poor baby 17 year old astray.

Of course there is alcohol involved at 17. And they’d want to spend NYE with a significant other.
at least neither will get pregnant…