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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not letting ex take baby on Xmas Day?

490 replies

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:04

I have a DC with my ex who is 10 months old.

Ex has never had DC alone and sees them sporadically (once went almost 2 months without a visit) although has been getting better recently.

Exes parents have also only seen DC a few times. I've offered and invited them to things, offered to meet, but they've not taken me up on offers.

Ex wants to take DC to his parents for half the day on Xmas and thinks it's his and his parents right to have baby there on Xmas Day.

I've offered ex and his parents to come here and visit DC, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let him take baby. His parents live 2 hours away and I'm also still breastfeeding.

Ex isn't on the BC. He does pay maintenance now though (after I went to CMS).

AIBU? Thanks

OP posts:
Sartre · 20/12/2023 12:19

YANBU at all.

Baby is BF so it’s always much harder to separate from Mum, I know not all babies will accept a bottle (mine didn’t). A 4 hour round trip is also very long with a baby and more importantly, your baby barely knows them so may feel unsettled.

You provided an alternative so they can either accept that or fuck off.

NNobservatory · 20/12/2023 12:23

Fuck that. They’re not ‘family’ and have never acted like it. Being relatives and family are very different things. They want you to apologise for what? Having a child and doing the best you can for them?! The dad sounds like utter trash as do his parents; they all sound toxic and abusive and they’re so lucky you’re even treating them with so much grace instead of going full non-contact. You have nothing to feel guilty about- your instinct about them is correct. Protect your child.

LeggyLegsEleven · 20/12/2023 12:56

Don’t feel sick. It’s not reasonable to take a baby away from its mum for 6+ hours on Christmas Day.
If it was important they would prioritise coming to you.

PopandFizz · 20/12/2023 13:35

OP you have been more than accomodating. I know you've already said no but this is what I'd do if communication regarding it is still open.

For starters only ever talk over text or email so you have receipts...

I would send a message simply stating:
'Hi, I'm firming up plans for Christmas and just wanted to check one last time that you and your family don't want to come and see us over the Christmas period?
I'd be happy to host you on another day (such as boxing day or during Twixmas) if your family don't want to travel on Christmas day itself. It's just too much travel in one day for us to come to X place. I think it would be a shame for you not to see baby at all whilst you're off work.
Your family is also invited, I would love baby to have a relationship with them however I won't be apologising to them for having their grandson. If they can get along with that I'd be happy to host them or maybe if they don't want to be at the house you could all gofor a walk to X and have lunch in the cafe.'

Show your accomodating, let them refuse and you get evidence of it. Don't feel guilty, you've been more than nice given past experiences with them.

MikeRafone · 20/12/2023 13:45

I know no matter what I do I'll be the bad person, and I feel like I'm struggling to enjoy Christmas now.

youre going to need to toughen up on this, he’s going to ring rings round you and get you in a state like this every year otherwise.

you do what’s best for baby - end of
tjats what you’ve done so be proud

OneLollipop · 20/12/2023 13:45

I do feel guilty. I obviously want my baby to have a family.

You don't want your baby to have this family though. It's not always the case that any family is better than no family, sadly. They clearly aren't thinking at all of what the baby needs (regular, frequent, predictable contact to build a secure relationship), they only care about what they want (to enjoy the nice bits, like Christmas, and not do any of the hard work - it made me laugh when they said they'd be heartbroken if they didn't get to give the baby presents, what nonsense).

Raise your boundaries, OP. Be less accommodating of your ex's demands. All you need to do is make the baby available for reasonable, regular contact, you don't have to jump every time he says so.

TheFormidableMrsC · 20/12/2023 13:45

You've done the right thing and you have nothing to feel bad about OP. He should be ashamed of his behaviour. I had to be similarly firm and with my ex husband. Left me just before Christmas for OW and demanded to have our SEN 2 year old for Xmas day because "he needs to be with his new family". They just wanted to roll him out to show off and make it seem that what they did to us was normal and OK. I told him to fuck right off. He lost interest very quickly. Focus on what is best for your child, not your ex and his shitty family.

Sauvblanctime · 20/12/2023 13:48

You’re absolutely not the bad person, you’re doing what is best for you & baby ❤️

you got this x

Newestname002 · 20/12/2023 14:17

OP, being "the bad guy" is:

  • Protecting your very young baby from being in a four hour return journey with someone who has never had any real involvement with the baby;
  • Keeping your DC safe from a "partner" who will not know the rules around a small child in a moving vehicle, plus he has no clue of all the equipment his child needs or the care they need;
  • him and his family really only wanting your baby for "show and tell" and to just piss you off;
  • having the audacity of deciding to keep your baby instead of the abortion his family and decided you should have
  • him making no compromises about access to his child, and, and, and...

If this is you being the bad guy then embrace it OP and use your fire to not only fight your own fight, but for your child also. You know you're good person trying to do the best she can and you have the facts of this situation recorded as an audit trail in case you need it. I think you'll both be fine.

Stay strong. 🌹

Ahwhatthehell · 20/12/2023 14:39

Absolutely no way would I let him take baby.

wronginalltherightways · 20/12/2023 14:40

Ex: 'You're not being fair; I'm going to go to court over this."

OP: "Fantastic. I really do think a set in stone visitation schedule will be better for the baby and your relationship with the baby."

SavBlancTonight · 20/12/2023 14:43

confusedex2 · 20/12/2023 11:38

I just feel sick about the whole thing tbh.

I know no matter what I do I'll be the bad person, and I feel like I'm struggling to enjoy Christmas now.

Thank you all for the really good advice.

You really need to reframe things in your own head if you can. Yes, he will absolutely paint you as the bad guy. That is true and there is nothing you can do about that.

BUT... we are all often painted as the bad guy in all kinds of situations and we have to accept that actually, we are doing what is best for us/our family etc. Eg, DS thinks I am the bad guy because I insist that he empties the dishwasher and goes to bed at a vaguely normal time. That's okay, because I know that I am not the bad guy.

ExBIL thinks that I am the bad guy because he thinks he "asked for help" in his relationship with SIL and I did not give it and in fact, encouraged SIL to end things. But 1. he didn't ask for help (whole story there) and 2. I did encourage her to leave him because he was financially and emotionally abusive. I'm okay with being the bad guy to him.

You cannot please all of the people all of the time. As a parent, this becomes even more true because you have to advocate for your child. Whether that's in the context of extended family and friends, their health, their education etc. DS' SENCO may well have thought I was the "bad guy" when I sent my strongly worded email of complaint - but I know that that email went after I'd had 3 conversations about what WOULD happen, and when none of it DID happen, I'd sent 3 polite emails asking for clarification. My final email was me putting my foot down.

MinnieGirl · 20/12/2023 15:39

confusedex2 · 20/12/2023 11:38

I just feel sick about the whole thing tbh.

I know no matter what I do I'll be the bad person, and I feel like I'm struggling to enjoy Christmas now.

Thank you all for the really good advice.

No, you are the good person.
You are totally focused in your baby’s best interests.

Your ex wanted you to abort, denied paternity and tells you repeatedly that you are on your own.

His parents wanted you to abort and have demanded you apologise to them…for what I’m not too sure. And now expect you to allow that baby they didn’t want to be taken away by virtual strangers so they can play happy families….

They are the bad guys through and through.

Stop any communication other than through email so you have a paper trail. Keep any txts of you offering to have them to visit. And see a solicitor in the new year. You have told him no. No further arguments or comments. And don’t offer any visits. They turned that down so you have made your arrangements that can’t be broken.

Have a lovely Christmas with your baby.

Original poster
confusedex2 · 20/12/2023 15:50

I've got a headache it's all stressing me out so much. Haven't heard from him today which is good.

They want me to apologise for the stress the "situation" caused the family. By the situation they mean my pregnancy. They didn't want me to have our baby and nor did my ex.

They're very traditional apparently. But wanted me to have an abortion. I couldn't for personal reasons.

Things were up and down/on-off with my ex and I while I was pregnant. I found out he was sleeping with another woman (also sleeping with me) while I was carrying our baby.

He blocked me at various points. One such point was when I contacted him to let him know the sex of the baby. I could understand him blocking me if I was harassing him/giving him bother but I really wasnt.

I think him and his family thought if they blocked/blanked me that I'd have an abortion.

Ultimately I decided to go mostly NC with my ex towards the end of the pregnancy and had an email address set up for contact (as often advised on here).

He wasn't present at the birth (I didn't feel comfortable with him seeing me vulnerable/naked especially given he was seeing other women and we were no longer together). I did have him to the hospital to visit the baby shortly after birth which I thought was fair.

However he has also said that I need to apologise for that as well.

OP posts:
usernamecopied · 20/12/2023 16:05

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:17

They've said the reason they don't see the baby is they don't want to be around me. They think I owe them an apology for the "stress" I put them through when I was pregnant (they didn't want me to have the baby).
I never had anything to do with them when I was pregnant I spoke to them twice and they never tried to be involved. I'm in my 30s not a child and so is their son.

I get they don't want to see me but I've also been trying to get their son to build up a relationship with DC then he could take the baby on his own but he hasn't done this.

The thought of my baby being confused or upset on Xmas makes me so sad.

If they really cared and really wanted to see DC they'd come here wouldn't they?

This says it all to be honest, first off you are a million percent not being unreasonable, your baby barely knows them, you’re breastfeeding and they clearly don’t respect you.

Please never apologise to them OP. They need to get over themselves and realise there is a child in the middle of all this. It sounds like they just want the your baby for Christmas Day “oh look at what a happy family we are” photos, because if they generally cared they’d have put any feelings about you aside to dote on their child/grandchild. Whether they want to see you or not, they’re going to have to your the child’s mother. You’re a hundred percent right that if they did really care nothing would stop them seeing them.

Please don’t feel bad OP your doing the best thing for your baby.

SavBlancTonight · 20/12/2023 16:14

Honestly OP, you just have to accept that their view and yours are not the same. And that 95% of normal people would totally agree with YOUR view. They are batshit. Also, you don't really know what he is telling them so I think you should take it all with a pinch of salt - you know that he is irrational, cruel and a liar so .....

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 20/12/2023 16:47

Tell him when the lot of them apologise for being utter cunts you will have a sensible conversation with him about contact...

ClimbEveryLadder · 20/12/2023 16:49

He wasn't present at the birth (I didn't feel comfortable with him seeing me vulnerable/naked especially given he was seeing other women and we were no longer together). I did have him to the hospital to visit the baby shortly after birth which I thought was fair.

You were more than fair letting him visit the hospital shortly after birth. No one but no one that isn’t essential is entitled to be present during a birth. It’s literally a life, and sometimes sadly death, situation. It’s not a ‘nice day out’ or spectator sport.

GenevièveSapha · 20/12/2023 16:52

Do you have legal sole custody... ?

Ilovemyshed · 20/12/2023 16:56

Are there any cultural issues here OP, that might cause an honour issue or a possibility the child could be removed from the country?

Regardless of that, no way at that age, especially with an absent father who doesn't want to be one.

RhiannonTheRed · 20/12/2023 16:59

Having read through your post and all your comments, I would not want that man or any of his family anywhere near my baby. Block the lot of them and let him take you to court for visitation if he must. Save any written communication you have, screenshots or whatnot, showing what you've tried and what they've said, as you might need them. Good luck.

Livingtothefull · 20/12/2023 17:02

'Things were up and down/on-off with my ex and I while I was pregnant. I found out he was sleeping with another woman (also sleeping with me) while I was carrying our baby.'

Then he was putting you at risk of STDs and by extension, putting your baby at risk. That's who he is.

'He wasn't present at the birth (I didn't feel comfortable with him seeing me vulnerable/naked especially given he was seeing other women and we were no longer together). I did have him to the hospital to visit the baby shortly after birth which I thought was fair.

However he has also said that I need to apologise for that as well'

No. The only reason for anyone to be present at a birth is to support the mother. It is not a right but a privilege, which he lost through his behaviour. You were more than fair in letting him visit afterwards.

So he owes you an apology not the other way round.

Snowdogsmitten · 20/12/2023 17:11

confusedex2 · 20/12/2023 15:50

I've got a headache it's all stressing me out so much. Haven't heard from him today which is good.

They want me to apologise for the stress the "situation" caused the family. By the situation they mean my pregnancy. They didn't want me to have our baby and nor did my ex.

They're very traditional apparently. But wanted me to have an abortion. I couldn't for personal reasons.

Things were up and down/on-off with my ex and I while I was pregnant. I found out he was sleeping with another woman (also sleeping with me) while I was carrying our baby.

He blocked me at various points. One such point was when I contacted him to let him know the sex of the baby. I could understand him blocking me if I was harassing him/giving him bother but I really wasnt.

I think him and his family thought if they blocked/blanked me that I'd have an abortion.

Ultimately I decided to go mostly NC with my ex towards the end of the pregnancy and had an email address set up for contact (as often advised on here).

He wasn't present at the birth (I didn't feel comfortable with him seeing me vulnerable/naked especially given he was seeing other women and we were no longer together). I did have him to the hospital to visit the baby shortly after birth which I thought was fair.

However he has also said that I need to apologise for that as well.

They’re a bunch of totally deluded cunts. My god. 😂

They want you to apologise for not having an abortion and putting them through stress, but they also want you to apologise for not having him at the birth? They want to now have this ‘situation’ for Christmas day and expect you to facilitate that, but he makes no effort to see the baby, hasn’t ever had them alone, but is threatening to take you to court…?

In short, what the fuck is wrong with them?!

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 20/12/2023 17:12

Does he have a car seat, a travel cot, feeding bits and formula and baby food, as obv your tits are not invited spare clothes etc? Tell him he needs to provide all this of he is serious about a relationship with the baby. He will soon change his mind.
i would say a firm no but they are welcome to visit but remind him this far they have shown little interest. Babies are not toys to pick up and play with and show around when he feels like it.

Snowdogsmitten · 20/12/2023 17:13

@confusedex2 don't you dare feel guilty, they’re all fucking lunatics. Let him take you to court, he’ll look like a total fucking twat.

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