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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not letting ex take baby on Xmas Day?

490 replies

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:04

I have a DC with my ex who is 10 months old.

Ex has never had DC alone and sees them sporadically (once went almost 2 months without a visit) although has been getting better recently.

Exes parents have also only seen DC a few times. I've offered and invited them to things, offered to meet, but they've not taken me up on offers.

Ex wants to take DC to his parents for half the day on Xmas and thinks it's his and his parents right to have baby there on Xmas Day.

I've offered ex and his parents to come here and visit DC, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable to not let him take baby. His parents live 2 hours away and I'm also still breastfeeding.

Ex isn't on the BC. He does pay maintenance now though (after I went to CMS).

AIBU? Thanks

OP posts:
Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 20/12/2023 17:15

Send him a Baby Annabel as a prop for his family Christmas photos..

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 20/12/2023 18:03

GenevièveSapha · 20/12/2023 16:52

Do you have legal sole custody... ?

The OP has said he isn’t on the birth certificate (his choice) so yes, she does.

He can change that via the court (either with or without consent of the OP) but he hasn’t done so.

GenevièveSapha · 20/12/2023 18:44

So he wanted no part of his child... Schmuck. He doesn't deserve ANY visitation.

Is he paying any child support... ?

FontSnob · 20/12/2023 19:20

They all sound awful! You’ve nothing to apologise for and they’re only demanding one to try and excuse their own heinous behaviour. Try not to let it ruin your day, you owe them nothing.

OopsiDaysies · 20/12/2023 19:24

Treeinthesky · 18/12/2023 18:49

Tbh why take this to court. Just let him.have his son. U have him til 2. He be tired then. Feed him pack some.food and be back later on. At 10 month they only bf 2 or 3 times a day.

Are you okay?? My 15 month old eats 3 meals and 2 snacks and still breastfeeds more than 3 times a day 🤣🤣 at 9 months my very involved husband couldn’t look after him alone for more than a few hours as he refused a bottle and loved his milkies.

Ottersmith · 20/12/2023 19:30

Well there you go then. They keep reminding you that you chose to do it alone so they can fuck off then. Your baby isn't a doll that they can parade around on Christmas day for their own gratification. As if you're going to let your baby spend their first Christmas with near strangers! Can you send an email confirming all your boundaries and the reason why, then try to ignore after that? You could also tell him via email / text what you said about expecting he might use this time off to see his child.

It's important to keep all this correspondence in case of a future court case. Also any time he spends alone with the baby will strengthen his case if he goes for custody.

It sounds like you're doing an amazing job. Sounds like your baby has got an amazing bond with you and feeding as much as he does is a great thing. There's no such thing as too much dependence at this age. Feeding to sleep is the best way for you and baby to get the hormones you need for a good rest. I know it's hard but just try to enjoy this time and don't let those twats ruin it for you.

My baby is 12m, feeds a lot, and my partner is an amazing Dad but I still wouldn't let him take him off for a whole half day two hours away. A baby needs it's Mother.

mustardrarebit · 20/12/2023 19:49

They don't get to dictate what you do at Xmas with the baby they wanted you to abort! I'd turn it round and say "I knew I was going to be doing this alone, so stay the hell out our lives so I can get on with it". They're actively making things worse for you an the child. Their relationship won't be a loss, it will be a benefit. No child should be used like this. Also, 4 hours of travel, on Xmas day? They don't give a shit about your baby or what is best for them.

Notimeforaname · 20/12/2023 19:55

No need to feel bad or guilty op. You always accommodate him,this time you dont want to. Totally fine.

As for the apology, I would be telling them clearly, I am not apologising for getting pregnant🤣 You didn't do that alone.

Notimeforaname · 20/12/2023 19:55

And brilliant if he takes you to court. Days will have to be set then.

Lovemusic82 · 20/12/2023 19:58

Not a chance. There’s not much he can do about it if you say ‘no’, he can take you to court but that takes time and it’s unlikely he will get contact away from you when the child is still breast fed.

Nazzywish · 20/12/2023 20:02

OP why you even entertaining this and haven't just told him no piss off is beyond me. Your baby is breastfed. 4 hrs travelling plus however long they'll be at parents is not possible. Baby will need a feed long before then. Tell him to shut up and either see baby at your home or go without. Set some firm boundaries now for the years to come. Stop being a pushover.

SauronsArsehole · 20/12/2023 20:07

confusedex2 · 19/12/2023 09:08

My ex says that the family have Christmas presents for the little one and if DC doesn't go it's going to break their heart.

None of the extended family have ever met the baby, only his parents.

When I've reminded my ex that I do 99.9% of the day to day care for our little one, and that it seems really unfair to be placing these demands on me for Xmas- he has said that I can't complain about doing all the work as I knew I'd be alone as they didn't want me to have the baby... he said I need to make it make sense

This is how you make it make sense to him.

‘your parents are angry I didn’t have an abortion.

your parents are now angry I won’t bend over backwards to facilitate a relationship with a child they were angry I didn’t abort.

if your parents want a relationship with their grandson here is my address, you can show up at X time. An apology for their insistence I get an abortion would be appreciate so would a thank you for not aborting their grandson they now wish to have a relationship with.

If they are not OK with this then they must understand this is their choice.’

that’s all you need to say.

BestBadger · 20/12/2023 20:10

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:14

He says I am denying my baby their family. But I've offered for them to see the baby if they come to us. He's making me feel so guilty.

I'm a Dad, he sounds like he's just the father of your child. When he can act like a Dad, fulfil the responsibilities of being one, then he can make his case to you for having the privileges that come with it.

You've absolutely nothing to feel guilty about as other posters have clearly pointed out.

Codlingmoths · 20/12/2023 20:12

‘I won’t be travelling on Christmas Day nor leaving my baby. I wont be apologising to anyone for the stress of knowing I didn’t abort my beautiful perfect baby or that you weren’t at the birth of the baby you didn’t want. I won’t be offering any more time or visits to grandparents who keep going on about how my having our baby has caused them stress, I’m sure such stress will be much easier to manage if they don’t see baby. I will as always be focused on my baby, which you keep reminding me I chose to do. Merry Christmas.’

GreatGateauxsby · 20/12/2023 20:17

confusedex2 · 19/12/2023 09:08

My ex says that the family have Christmas presents for the little one and if DC doesn't go it's going to break their heart.

None of the extended family have ever met the baby, only his parents.

When I've reminded my ex that I do 99.9% of the day to day care for our little one, and that it seems really unfair to be placing these demands on me for Xmas- he has said that I can't complain about doing all the work as I knew I'd be alone as they didn't want me to have the baby... he said I need to make it make sense

Utterly ridiculous
Your child isn’t a christmas accessory.

The baby isn’t going to know the difference they can do it on the 26/27/28th. This is purely for them.

unfortunately you seem to have bred with a moron… who is apparently the offspring of two more total morons… so sadly you are going to be dealing with this bullshit from here to kingdom come.

Given that, there will be a lot more of this nonsense to come, so I’d start as you mean to go.
Their abominable treatment of you is unlikely to improve so just decline Christmas and offer him a few other dates highlight long the fact he’s got a fortnight off and so ample availability.

for the record;
you have ZERO to feel guilty about with regards to this man. At this point in time he can best be described as a sperm donor and occasional babysitter, not a father…

elkiedee · 20/12/2023 20:22

My memory re father being on the birth certificate from when my teenagers were born is that, if parents are not married, dad needs to attend the registration too - dp and I were together then but not married, and still are, so I would have always wanted him to be there anyway.

If this is still the case, I'm guessing that OP wouldn't have needed to decide to leave her baby's father off the birth certificate, and that this would have happened if he didn't attend registration.

Lemonfoxtrot · 20/12/2023 20:25

Don’t even think about accommodating this bat shittery- it will only get worse if you relent at this stage.

how does he expect to feed a baby who is breast fed? Ask them to come to yours. If they say no - that’s on them. That is the compromise.

If it’s half a day ( because you’ll be wanting to see your baby- even forgetting the breast feeding) he will only have time to drive them there and back!

No need to travel 4 hours with a baby on Xmas day.

Boomarang · 20/12/2023 20:28

Don’t be sad OP, be mad.

Like seriously… light his shit up MAD.

I’m furious on your behalf and I don’t even know you!

elkiedee · 20/12/2023 20:29

I haven't read the whole thread but would suggest that if ex's family want to spend time with the grandchild they apparently didn't want, they need to think about times/places where they could travel to do so easily that are near to OP and baby's home.

Sounds as if they have a bit of a cheek asking for apologies from a grandchild's mum and then making unrealistic demands.

Singleandfab · 20/12/2023 20:41

Definitely not being unreasonable.

The cheek! You’ve done 10 months of raising him and they think they can waltz in to have him on Christmas Day! No! You have been very reasonable to suggest they come to you.

The fact he’s not on the BC then he doesn’t even have legal parental responsibility but just so you know, even if he had, a judge would want him to build up time gradually with him before giving him access. I suspect a whole day (which this would effectively be, would be impossible for your baby unless he also takes a bottle?).

I hope you have some loving family and friends supporting you on Christmas Day and in any case, stand firm! You are doing a great job raising your baby on your own. Loads of love!

Calliopespa · 20/12/2023 21:03

Mumoftwo1312 · 18/12/2023 17:19

Don't feel guilty. Plenty of time for them to see him when he's older.

Just do whatever is best for your baby. You're his mum, that means protecting him from anyone else's unreasonable demands

Show quote history

Exactly. Your thoughts need to be focused on what is right for the baby. They can’t roll DC out like a Christmas decoration because a baby is quite a nice thing to have about the house at Christmas. If they haven’t made time to develop the relationship the rest of the year it’s a no. Actually even in happy family circumstances I find it weird when ILs seem hellbent on detaching DCs from the mother for a few hours/ days. I would also find it weird if maternal grandparents wanted to do the same but generally speaking I haven’t seen this amongst friends or family. It’s usually the paternal grandparents and I … don’t quite get it …

MakyJo · 20/12/2023 21:06

Absolutely bloody not!!! The cheek!

Maria1982 · 20/12/2023 21:08

confusedex2 · 18/12/2023 17:54

Bit of a drip feed but they did say I could go too.

On the condition that I first say sorry to them Confused

A. I don't want to go.

B. I won't say sorry... for what? Having my DC?

Show quote history

So…
They didn’t want you to have the baby.
Now they want to see the baby on Christmas Day
they want you to apologise to them??
oh my god, no. Just no. They should be apologising to you.

and yes, if they wanted a relationship with their grandchild, they should be putting in the effort and coming to your place to see him.

ohmygod. Please don’t feel guilty. Frankly him and his parents sounds strangely similar (selfish and entitled !).

And don’t feel you have to apologise for still breastfeeding! It’s perfectly normal, natural, whatever, and no one’s business but yours

Calliopespa · 20/12/2023 21:10

Calliopespa · 20/12/2023 21:03

Exactly. Your thoughts need to be focused on what is right for the baby. They can’t roll DC out like a Christmas decoration because a baby is quite a nice thing to have about the house at Christmas. If they haven’t made time to develop the relationship the rest of the year it’s a no. Actually even in happy family circumstances I find it weird when ILs seem hellbent on detaching DCs from the mother for a few hours/ days. I would also find it weird if maternal grandparents wanted to do the same but generally speaking I haven’t seen this amongst friends or family. It’s usually the paternal grandparents and I … don’t quite get it …

Show quote history

I mean I definitely spent time alone with my paternal grandparents when my parents were out somewhere etc. I just don’t recall any evidence of them ever stipulating to my mother “we’d like to see the children without you present.” But it does seem to happen these days. It would make me twitchy as a mum - even though I’d be fine about it otherwise.

Larob · 20/12/2023 21:11

It’s awful they’re putting the guilt trip on you. Relationships work both ways so they would 100% be prepared to see you if they wanted a relationship with the baby. They don’t have to like you (or you them) for everyone to be civil and do what’s right.
I might be inclined to call his bluff and say you’re open to both them visiting you and for them to take the baby for a few hours. BUT baby needs to be returned at feeding times x & y, needs a car seat, nap facility, stroller etc and if he can meet these then a visit for half the day from 9am till 1pm sounds possible. It’s not on you to provide everything you’ve paid for in order for him to be a dad.
if you think they’ll be litigious then make sure to always offer a solution, document every no show, unreturned message, declined offer to visit etc. I can’t believe the entitlement and audacity after they didn’t want you to have the baby and haven’t made an effort