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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re lifts over Christmas ?

673 replies

Netball01 · 18/12/2023 15:47

We are hosting my in-laws on Christmas Day this year - I’ve just found out that they are expecting me to drop them home as they want to have a drink and I’m teetotal. AIBU to think this is cheeky and to say no ? My DH is putting on the pressure for me to do it.

For context, they live about 15 mins away so it would be a 30 min round trip for me. We aren’t asking for any contribution towards hosting (financial or otherwise).

YABU - give them a lift
YANBU - don’t give them a lift

OP posts:
itisgettinghardto · 18/12/2023 16:58

Are you having to pick them up too? What time will they want taking home? I think it's a reasonable request but they should ask you and not assume. Also, they need to agree to the times you can oblige them - think now when you want to be 'free' on Xmas Day.

Sunsept · 18/12/2023 16:59

Nah, I wouldn’t do it. I’d maybe collect them but they could get a taxi home.

I don’t think your lazy arse husband really gets a say in the matter. Do what you want.

Jaxhog · 18/12/2023 16:59

It's not unreasonable to ASK for a lift, but it is unreasonable of THEM to expect one.

19lottie82 · 18/12/2023 16:59

It seems a bit mean not to give them a lift tbh

disappearingfish · 18/12/2023 16:59

It's not unreasonable to give them a relatively short lift. However, it sounds like you are generally treated like a dogsbody and this is the last straw.

Get your DH to step up over Christmas arrangements so that you also enjoy the day!

mynewusername2023 · 18/12/2023 17:00

I don't drink and I'll be doing a double run to the pub and back when I'm at my folks. It's only a 5 mins drive but not enough room for us all and the dogs in one journey. I've no issue at all doing it and will just use my parents car so the dogs don't mess up mine.

diddl · 18/12/2023 17:00

I do all the prep, cleaning, present buying etc before christmas. My husband sorts the drinks for everyone but otherwise I do all the cooking and washing up etc

Jeez!

When posters wee suggesting that Op drives the ILs & husband washes & clears up, I was thinking that if Op is cooking it would be a given that he did that anyway.

I'd be expecting the lazy fucker to cook & wash up in return for driving his parents.

Is he at least collecting them?

I must admit I don't get the fuss around having to have a drink at Christmas such that in a couple neither one will be wanting to not drink & involving others in ferrying them about.

HewasH2O · 18/12/2023 17:01

I agree, I would tell them that you will be dropping them home at a certain time. I honestly thought they lived 1 - 2 hours away and was surprised that anyone would fuss about 15 minutes each way.

DisforDarkChocolate · 18/12/2023 17:01

They are your in-laws, surely your husband is the designated driver in this situation.

He can drink when he gets back if he's so keen on them getting a lift.

Heronwatcher · 18/12/2023 17:02

I’d gladly do it if I liked them. I thought you were going to say it was 2 hours each way! It’s 30/35 min!

Friedfriedplantain · 18/12/2023 17:03

@BeeDavis you don't seem to know what fickle means.

Allthingsbrightandbeautifulx · 18/12/2023 17:05

I used to do this as I don’t drink. After my Nan died I would drive an hour to pick up my uncle so he didn’t spend Christmas alone and bring him back to my mums. Everyone would get wasted then I’d have to drive him back again late at night/early hours of the morning. Him asleep so I’d be driving there and back exhausted trying to keep myself awake. The last time I did it, I wanted a bit of a lie in, so didn’t pick him up until 11am - he was told this before hand. I arrived and he left me waiting outside for almost 30mins cos he was pissed off I wasn’t there at 10am as I had been the 4 years previous. Talk about CF 😤

Pottedpalm · 18/12/2023 17:05

I just don’t get all this angst on Mumsnet about needing to have baths and be in pyjamas to ‘settle in’ for the evening.
DH and I saw it that our DPs had hosted and driven us about for several decades and it was our turn to look after them.
Sadly DH’s patents died young but mine lived to a very good age and DH would drive 50/60 mins to collect them on Christmas morning and the return them
home in the evening when they had watched Whatever they fancied on tv. He never once suggested I drove them. He would have a drink when
he got back and could drink all he wanted on Boxing Day.

Topseyt123 · 18/12/2023 17:06

You could tell DH that if he can't guarantee to get his arse into gear to get the washing up and clearing away done while you play free taxi service/chauffeur then HE will be driving them home because you will have to do it (the washing up and clearing away).

jenny38 · 18/12/2023 17:06

I would probably give them a lift home, but make it work in my favour. Pick a time that suits you rather than them and let them know in advancre, say you want to put your feet up and not have to worry about going back out. I woukd also prompt them to bring some booze, and point them in the direction of the kitchen to clear up, again- you have had a bit of an early start with all the cooking and hosting etc and need a rest before you can give them a lift home.

EndOfMyTether11 · 18/12/2023 17:06

Just tell them your on medication which means you can't drive get a taxi.

DragonFly98 · 18/12/2023 17:07

Expecting a relative to pay for a taxi on Christmas Day is horrible. They live 15 minutes away!

clingon1012 · 18/12/2023 17:08

Honestly, its only 30 mins total and it's not like they asked you not to drink in order to drive them...

Namenumber3 · 18/12/2023 17:08

I would offer lifts in your circumstances and wouldn't expect in laws to do anything ( I'd be proper cross if they came in the kitchen at all, being a control freak).

I would however expect my DH to do presents, prep, help cooking, hosting duties etc. Your DH is the problem in this scenario.

AGoingConcern · 18/12/2023 17:08

This is one of those things that depends so much on context. If it's just this specific thing in isolation then YABU.

But if there's a pattern of one-sided, un-thanked labor expected of you by your husband and his family then that's different. I think it's reasonable to want to be asked politely and thanked, and if they're not doing so then calmly and directly tell them that it leaves you feeling unappreciated and adds a bit of a sour note to the holiday.

Don't let this become the scapegoat issue - your husband should be doing half the labor of hosting (including that 30 minutes while you're out chauffeuring being spent diligently cleaning up) and if he isn't, speak up. And if you'd like your in-laws to contribute to the celebration, ask them.

MaggieFS · 18/12/2023 17:09

DragonFly98 · 18/12/2023 17:07

Expecting a relative to pay for a taxi on Christmas Day is horrible. They live 15 minutes away!

I think expecting someone else to sort the presents, do the cooking and do the washing up whilst offering fuck all help is far more horrible.

throwawayimplantchat · 18/12/2023 17:10

I do all the prep, cleaning, present buying etc before christmas. My husband sorts the drinks for everyone but otherwise I do all the cooking and washing up etc

Are you happy with this?!

It doesn't sound fair at all and I'm not sure why your husband thinks it is ok for you to do everything while he does one (fun and easy) bit?

rainbowsparkle28 · 18/12/2023 17:10

Given it is not especially far at all I would probably do it, moreso as I know family would for me on another occasion if I asked happily. But it's more the expectation from them that you will do it that would irk me. It wouldn't have been hard for them to have dropped you a message to check / call to ask if you would mind which I think is just general good manners not assuming.

(Also seen your post re. what you are doing compared to your partner....in that context I would be frustrated. Why can't he drop them and then have a drink after / he will have to take something off your plate if he expects you to do lifts as you are literally doing everything...?!) 🤨

MathsandStats · 18/12/2023 17:11

I get you @Netball01. I've been teetotal for 6 years now (not by choice actually, health reasons) and I am always the one expected to do the driving nowadays so others can drink. I've made peace now with never being able to drink again, but the driving still wears a bit thin sometimes. Just occasionally I'd like not to be the one driving home and dropping everyone else off, the one who has to turn out late at night to take others home. A lot of people on here are saying "if I was in that situation...." and I'm thinking, But you're not, so you don't get how it feels when it's not just a one off but a constant expectation.

Having said that, I'd probably do it, given that it's Christmas day and that it's in-laws. Then maybe try to reset expectations in the new year that it isn't always going to be you and someone else will have to join you in not drinking.

FriedasCarLoad · 18/12/2023 17:11

I also don't drink, and I frequently give lifts like this to a BIL who doesn't want to learn to drive.

It grates when it's assumed.

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