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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re lifts over Christmas ?

673 replies

Netball01 · 18/12/2023 15:47

We are hosting my in-laws on Christmas Day this year - I’ve just found out that they are expecting me to drop them home as they want to have a drink and I’m teetotal. AIBU to think this is cheeky and to say no ? My DH is putting on the pressure for me to do it.

For context, they live about 15 mins away so it would be a 30 min round trip for me. We aren’t asking for any contribution towards hosting (financial or otherwise).

YABU - give them a lift
YANBU - don’t give them a lift

OP posts:
RB68 · 20/12/2023 10:22

They should be asking nicely but also remember that is plenty of time for OH to be doing the clearing up and sorting evening snacks and a feet up for you as no doubt if you are hosting you will be run ragged in the day

Aprilx · 20/12/2023 10:25

Netball01 · 18/12/2023 17:55

@Anele22 it was just to give context that the only financial contribution for in laws for Xmas day would be the (£30) Taxi fare

Do you expect them to pay for their dinner or something? 😳 It isn’t normal to go to somebody’s house for one meal and make a financial contribution (bring wine or a present yes).

And I cannot even believe the first question, I am no people pleaser but I wouldn’t even think twice about a 15 minute lift (or 30 mins). I thought you were going to say you had been asked to do a four hour round trip. You seem very hateful about the whole thing.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 20/12/2023 10:26

ThreeLittleGirls · 19/12/2023 22:40

I think the people saying you’re being unreasonable are people who drink tbh. I totally get it! I’m not teetotal but rarely drink and I get this too. Sometimes it’s fair enough, but other times people should be able to make the effort themselves rather than put you out. You’re already hosting and cooking them food and organising all that, you’ll be exhausted so you may even be too tired to drive. I’m a bit more flexible on the not drinking, so I’d just say I was going to have a couple of champagnes or mulled wines since it’s Christmas 😂 but maybe you’d be better off just saying you’ll actually be really tired and you don’t think it’ll be safe to drive. You could offer to book them a taxi maybe?

Nope, don't drink, and I would absolutely drive them.

Tourmalines · 20/12/2023 10:27

I don’t see the problem in giving them a lift. Isn’t that what families do ? You won’t be on your feet all day , you will have lots of time to relax . But your husband should be helping with the clean up . He sounds slack . I also think it’d ridiculous to get a taxi . And I don’t know why you had to mention that they would not be contributing financially or any other way on the day . Did that really need saying . You’ve never hosted them for Christmas before either so it’s not like it’s an annual occasion where you are the mug. Could just be this once off . But you definitely need a word with your husband to pull his weight.

ArtichokeAardvark · 20/12/2023 10:28

I'm guessing you don't like your in-laws generally.

A 30 minute round trip is nothing, and I'd actively enjoy the 15 minutes back on my own in the car after Christmas lunch chaos! Would probably take a scenic route back to stretch it out...

ginoohginoginelli · 20/12/2023 10:42

It does sound like there's a backstory here that we're not aware of. A 30min round trip is really nothing and not a big ask on Xmas day when taxis will get hard to come by / really expensive.
Your issue here is your DH. There's no reason at all for him not pulling his weight on xmas day so you don't feel that it's all on you. is there a particular reason that doesn't help?

RainbowNinja77 · 20/12/2023 10:43

I don’t drink and would definitely do this for others so that they could.

Danielle9891 · 20/12/2023 10:50

I'd have no problem picking them up and dropping them off if it was me. It's not far and let them have a drink over Christmas. I'm pregnant so I'm not drinking at all this year and don't mind giving people a lift. I don't understand why you wouldn't do it.

PopandFizz · 20/12/2023 10:51

Epidote · 20/12/2023 07:22

If you are tired of the hosting, all the prep, cleaning and etc tell them to get a taxi. How much could be a 15 min taxi?

My nan had to get a taxi from my uncles which is a 10 min drive one Christmas and it cost her £30...we live in the north where things tend to be cheaper.

PopandFizz · 20/12/2023 10:53

Netball01 · 18/12/2023 16:28

@ThequalityoftheReps

I do all the prep, cleaning, present buying etc before christmas. My husband sorts the drinks for everyone but otherwise I do all the cooking and washing up etc

My In laws don’t help at all.

I can't believe you're doing the washing up, that is ridiculous. Drinking or not your DH and/or adult guests should be doing the washing up.

My grandad comes round and I've not even finished before he's trying to wash up (even though we have a dishwasher!)

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 20/12/2023 10:54

Netball01 · 18/12/2023 17:41

The reason my husband won’t be the one to give a lift is because he wants to drink too!

Re would I do it for my parents - we have hosted them for Xmas in the past and they have always booked a taxi without any discussion as they feel 12+hours of hosting is enough for me to do !!

I guess everyone sees it differently, and as I said when I’m already in the car I’m happy to give lifts but to make a journey late on Xmas night when I’ve hosted all day doesn’t feel fair for the sake of a taxi fare.

This is the main point here!

They are HIS parents. HIS responsibility. If HE will not give a lift because HE wants to drink, then HE needs to sort something else out and tell them that because he can't expect YOU to do something for HIS family that HE isn't prepared to do himself.

Being teetotal is not an entitlement to be a free taxi service.

Ply12 · 20/12/2023 10:56

There seems to be some massive details or back story left out here.

@Netball01 you say your husband and in-laws will not help with anything, you’ll do everything, your husband just sorts drinks… However, you have also said you haven’t hosted them before so there is no precedent about lifts, meaning there is no precedent about who helps out as well. Sounds like you don’t like your in-laws and you want a massive moan about it!

Try communicating with your husband about helping out, don’t do it all yourself just to be a martyr. And leave your in-laws home. I would have offered straight away along with the invitation to come over!

StillWantingADog · 20/12/2023 10:58

Expecting = rude
asking nicely = perfectly ok and I would in those circs

ItsHardlyRocketScience · 20/12/2023 11:09

Phone them, tell them you are looking forward to seeing them, but you're going to be very busy that day and that you'd like to put your feet up after dinner, so would they mind booking a taxi for the return, but that their son (your DH) will happily collect them.

Original poster
Netball01 · 20/12/2023 11:11

@Ply12 we haven’t hosted them on Xmas day before, but have obviously hosted numerous times previously for dinners etc.

I have never driven them back before so don’t want to set the expectation as if I do it for Xmas then I’ll be expected to do it anytime we host.

Appreciate all the comments but I do think people who do drink see it differently to those who don’t as obviously they want the lift and to save a taxi. It’s easy to say you get to set the time they leave but have you ever tried to tell a drunk person it’s time to go?!?! It never works!!

OP posts:
pontipinemum · 20/12/2023 11:13

I don't drink, I think I would like the little alone time coming home from dropping them off. But that might be just me.

If you don't want to and taxi's are easy to get where you live tell DH you don't want to and that he needs to tell them to arrange a taxi. You wouldn't get one around where I live

But 100% your DH needs to be doing the clean up/ washing up after Christmas dinner.

surferparadise · 20/12/2023 11:14

StillWantingADog · 20/12/2023 10:58

Expecting = rude
asking nicely = perfectly ok and I would in those circs

I think this is the key. If someone asked me nicely for a lift- no probs, happily do it.

Simply expecting me to do it just because I'm not drinking so I must be a taxi service- not ok.

As for the "its only 30 mins" thing, its a bit much if OP is doing ALL the work the entire day, doing all the cooking and clearing up and being expected to then ferry people around. This is while everyone else apparently gets to do fck all but sit on the sofa getting pissed. That's not on. If OP is driving then someone else should be cleaning up. Why is it always the woman who has to do all the grunt work and is then expected to drive everyone home?

GreenFrostedPlant · 20/12/2023 11:20

I don’t drink. My PIL do my bloody head in 😂 but my husband loves them. I would never expect them to make their own arrangements when I could help out even if I didn’t want to - their family. I would be annoyed if my husband wouldn’t help my parents, so I can see why your husband is expecting it. It’s family you help each other out.

QueenCamilla · 20/12/2023 11:21

@surferparadise
Your post only further highlights that OP has a definite DH problem.

surferparadise · 20/12/2023 11:22

QueenCamilla · 20/12/2023 11:21

@surferparadise
Your post only further highlights that OP has a definite DH problem.

Completely agree. There's no way I'd be doing every damn thing whilst everyone else got to relax and do nothing but get drunk. Happy fcking Christmas eh?

GreenFrostedPlant · 20/12/2023 11:22

@pontipinemum you clearly have children too, like me - alone time and peace and quite was my first thought too 😂
I think on my journey home I might even hit traffic too. 😂😂😂

I doubt OP has children

pontipinemum · 20/12/2023 11:27

@GreenFrostedPlant I do, only the 1 but still 😂I was thinking hum..... I could make a hot choc for the journey. Then take a really long scenic way home and listen to my audio book

GreenFrostedPlant · 20/12/2023 11:29

@pontipinemum you’ve thought this out better than me! We’re hosting New Year’s Eve - My plan is now in place 😂

QueenCamilla · 20/12/2023 11:33

I don't drink on family occasions and also don't drive. Wild, right?
I'd prefer to skip my visit at Christmas if I had to bear a begrudged lift at the end of the night because my own son could not be arsed.
In fact, I doubt that all the dynamics described in the opening post make for a pleasant evening anyway.
OP, you don't have to nor host, nor drive anywhere if it's not your thing and is rather burdensome. Something to consider for a better 2024?

Marwoodsbigbreak · 20/12/2023 11:44

Well you aren’t telling a drunk person when to leave, you’re telling them that if they want a lift it’s available up until x time. Beyond that it’s a taxi.

I would take myself off for a bath and get ready for bed. They fit in or fuck off and make their own arrangements. Or DH doesn’t drink until they leave…

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