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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re lifts over Christmas ?

673 replies

Netball01 · 18/12/2023 15:47

We are hosting my in-laws on Christmas Day this year - I’ve just found out that they are expecting me to drop them home as they want to have a drink and I’m teetotal. AIBU to think this is cheeky and to say no ? My DH is putting on the pressure for me to do it.

For context, they live about 15 mins away so it would be a 30 min round trip for me. We aren’t asking for any contribution towards hosting (financial or otherwise).

YABU - give them a lift
YANBU - don’t give them a lift

OP posts:
Ormside · 20/12/2023 09:02

I think you're missing a trick. I'm teetotal but I set the times I'm prepared to make the drive. If they get a taxi it might be midnight. I'd be taking them no later than 7pm.

Jewnicorn · 20/12/2023 09:04

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. After all the shopping, buying, prep work and a full day’s hosting on top I’m not sure I’d be in a fit state to drive even without a drink. I certainly wouldn’t want to and I’d feel very resentful of the fact that it was expected of me on top of putting in so much effort for everyone!

Ormside · 20/12/2023 09:05

Aa an aside, if you cook in my family you do none of the clearing or washing up. You should not be doing it all.

CurlewKate · 20/12/2023 09:10

There are two issues here, obviously. You doing all the work is outrageous. You doing a 30 minute drive because you don't drink is entirely reasonable and expecting anyone to pay over the odds for a taxi is bonkers.

Address the first. Sit down TODAY and talk about a fairer distribution of the load.

Inertia · 20/12/2023 09:11

They’re bloody rude demanding lifts.

There’s absolutely no reason why your DH can’t help with prep/ cooking / cleaning up on Christmas Day, irrespective of lifts. He’s not at work that day.

I would give a lift, but on my terms and my timetable. If e.g. 6pm suits you, that’s the offer. I wouldn’t be on pins all evening knowing that I had to get up and out.

Jellytot1234 · 20/12/2023 09:19

There’s a lot of “well if you’re not drinking then why not?” And “it’s only half hour” but when it really comes down to it… if she doesn’t want to, then she shouldn’t have to. That’s as plainly as I see it. Just because someone doesn’t drink, that doesn’t mean they want to have to go out because they are useful to others. Why can’t she have a nice relaxing Christmas and not have to worry about it? Inconvenient for people that want to drink? Yes maybe, but they have a choice to drink or not too.. unreasonable? Absolutely not. Assuming someone will do something for you just because they can is rude. A polite ask would have probably got OP onside with this one.

FestiveFruitloop · 20/12/2023 09:22

Mistlebough · 18/12/2023 20:52

Just because someone is teetotal why should it mean they always get expected to taxi everyone around? Especially if OP has had all the effort involved in planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning, decorating, fetching drinks etc. It sounds as though she wasn’t even asked properly. If they are amazing in-laws who are kind and supportive she might choose to but DH should not assume. Do what suits you OP it’s meant to be your Christmas day as well and women who host are usually bottom of the pile and end up exhausted.

This. I'm not teetotal myself but it would really annoy me if I was and everyone expected me to be their permanent chauffeur because of it.

RenoDakota · 20/12/2023 09:29

I used to pick my grandad up and take him home every single Christmas Day (similar journey). Did it willingly and with love, even though it meant not having a drink until after I got home.
Sounds like you don't like them very much but can't you just let the resentment go, for the sake of a very short journey.

BusyMummyWrites · 20/12/2023 09:35

If you’re not drinking, is it really an issue to drop them home? My hubs would drop my friends or family home if he wasn’t drinking (he’s picked us up on girls nights out and dropped friends home, driven his parents 3.5hrs home to Shropshire and back on Xmas eve when they’ve not been well enough to drive or we’ve worried the road/weather conditions are too much at their age); I’ve regularly driven 45mins to collect him when trains diverted; I also happily collect my teen children at 2am in the morning if they’ve had a night out or been to a concert in London and it the only/closest station they can get to is that distance - and then driven around all the local villages in Hants/Surrey into the small hours to make sure their mates get home safely. My adult friends have done it for my kids too.

Isn’t this what people do for friends and family? YABU

BIossomtoes · 20/12/2023 09:37

FestiveFruitloop · 20/12/2023 09:22

This. I'm not teetotal myself but it would really annoy me if I was and everyone expected me to be their permanent chauffeur because of it.

Show quote history

My bloke doesn’t drink and sees his chauffeur duties as a natural consequence. He’s a willing volunteer.

agentcooperinthewhitelodge · 20/12/2023 09:41

I don't drink and I get fed up of everyone expecting me to be their taxi driver.

It's not the actual act of doing it that annoys me, it's the expectation that I should always do it. Especially when people are pissed and often get rowdy and/or emotional on the ride home and I have to listen to their tedious drunken ramblings.

If I was you, I'd do it this one time but make it crystal clear that it's the last time and next year they can book a taxi in advance and stick to this. That is not an unreasonable request. I mean, what if you couldn't drive for some reason- what would they do then? the world wouldn't end would it?

Itsallfunngamesuntil · 20/12/2023 09:43

I'm with the OP on this one.

Sounds like she's going out of her way to host and doing 90pc of it herself.

As long as there are no financial issues, I think the guests should pay for own taxi. Time to set a precedent OP

Alternatively....could the guests stay over and drive home in morning, or maybe that is even more of a pain lol?

formulaonecar · 20/12/2023 09:46

Ormside · 20/12/2023 09:02

I think you're missing a trick. I'm teetotal but I set the times I'm prepared to make the drive. If they get a taxi it might be midnight. I'd be taking them no later than 7pm.

This is a good idea. I'll drive people home but it's going to have to be on my terms and my time limits. If they get angry at this then they can get a taxi. It's their choice- either they get a lift at the time I'm willing to do it or they can arrange their own transport (or, not drink- many people manage this without the world imploding). I'm not driving people home at midnight and I don't give a crap if that annoys them, no-one is forcing them to drink and we are all grown ups who can pre book a taxi.

Andthereyougo · 20/12/2023 09:48

As they’re not contributing anything to the day I’d say sure I’ll drive you home, I’ll knock £5 off the taxi fare, let’s call it £25. Then treat yourself after Christmas.

DoDoDoD · 20/12/2023 09:53

I would absolutely do this - and have, particularly for family and in laws. 30 minutes is nothing. I'd see it as an extension of the hospitality and goodwill of Christmas. How much the taxi fare costs isn't really the point, and if you get on well with them then it's a really nice gesture. What I don't understand from the OP's posts is that her dh/dp isn't involved in Christmas dinner - I can't imagine being in a marriage or partnership where I did all the prep, cooking and washing up on Christmas Day.

Iamnotalemming · 20/12/2023 09:54

As its Christmas I would suck it up, but on the condition that DH pull his weight on Christmas day and not just during the time you'll be chauffeur.
Going forwards maybe start asking for a contribution to fuel when ever people start asking for a lift or expect you to do it, that should put some of the chancers off.

Somepeoplearesnippy · 20/12/2023 09:59

I'd play it by ear. Let them assume you will be driving them home. If, on the night, you don't feel up to it - say so - "what a great day it's been, I'm absolutely knackered now DH, could you call a cab for your Mum and Dad? I'm too exhausted to get off this sofa'

ICanSeeMyHouseFromHere · 20/12/2023 10:01

A quick trip when you're tee-total anyway? Yeah, I'd do it.

Hell, I've done it and I'm not tee-total, I just abstained until they (in my case aunt and uncle) were delivered back home.

ICanSeeMyHouseFromHere · 20/12/2023 10:02

Oh, but I also wouldn't be washing up (I don't mind cooking the roast, I don't find that particularly stressful)

Ginnnny · 20/12/2023 10:03

Do you not get on with them? I think your attitude to this is a bit pissy - they want a drink and you don't drink, and it's Christmas! I was pregnant over Christmas one year and spent hours driving family and friends from A to B so they could enjoy the festivities. I love a drink, and I'd happily forgo that for one day to get my parents or my partners parents home.

newhaircut · 20/12/2023 10:04

This could be a positive thing- YOU get to decide when they leave! I'd be telling them you'll drive them home at X time but no later as you don't feel comfortable driving late at night.

Fullofxmascbeer · 20/12/2023 10:10

Presumably if you are hosting then you want your guests to have a good time? They’ll have a better time if they have a drink!

I’d give them a lift but I would be expecting dh to help out more. Negotiate this with him. It shouldn’t be all on you anyway! Why has he never never even washed up before? I’d cook then hand the kitchen over to him to sort.

Bamboobzled · 20/12/2023 10:12

I don't drink so I always drop people home from my grandfather to my in laws or my parents or siblings. It's just normal in my family if you are hosting. Next year get them to host.

shiningstar2 · 20/12/2023 10:17

YANBU op. I think you are getting so much comment the other way because plenty of people who drink expect non drinkers to do all the running around. It is convenient for them so are justifying it here. I always drink when out and wouldn't dream of expecting others to go out of their way to drive me home
I host every Christmas and know how exhausted you feel at the end of the day no matter how much you've enjoyed it.
In your position I would be tell the in laws that DH will pick them up ( while you are prepping the meal) but no one will be driving them back. DH will have had a drink and you will be too tired. End of. You don't have to justify your valid choices to others who have made their own choices which are valid for them
£30. to get a taxi home is nothing when everything is provided for you on Christmas day. My DH collects my DD and family, they are quite happy to taxi back whether we have had a drink or not.
I wish someone would provide an amazing dayfor me with all the trimmings, all drinks provided for £30 ...you could do Christmas dinner at home with decent joint, all the trimmings, desert plus the drinks which mean they can't drive for that. Stick to your guns op. It is generous when you can and want to give lifts for the convenience of others but being t total isn't for other people's benefit. Be a good but relaxed host and expect your guests to be considerate of you. 💐

shiningstar2 · 20/12/2023 10:19

Couldn't do I meant. 😁

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