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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re lifts over Christmas ?

673 replies

Netball01 · 18/12/2023 15:47

We are hosting my in-laws on Christmas Day this year - I’ve just found out that they are expecting me to drop them home as they want to have a drink and I’m teetotal. AIBU to think this is cheeky and to say no ? My DH is putting on the pressure for me to do it.

For context, they live about 15 mins away so it would be a 30 min round trip for me. We aren’t asking for any contribution towards hosting (financial or otherwise).

YABU - give them a lift
YANBU - don’t give them a lift

OP posts:
NashvilleQueen · 19/12/2023 16:56

30 minutes? You're teetotal? Totally and utterly unreasonable.

NashvilleQueen · 19/12/2023 16:59

Maybe you could ask DH to do more in the day to help you. That way you won't feel so put upon.

DarkDuvet · 19/12/2023 17:04

I think @Netball01 is fair enough not to want to turn out at night after a busy day, different if it were earlier. It’s unfair

CurlewKate · 19/12/2023 17:08

@diddl "But to me it seems ridiculous that none of the three can lay off the drink for the day & then indulge in the evening!"

Of course they could. But if there's someone who doesn't drink anyway and it's such a negligible drive....

diddl · 19/12/2023 17:19

But if there's someone who doesn't drink anyway and it's such a negligible drive....

That doesn't not make it an imposition or a pita for Op though does it?

To me not drinking so that you could get yourself there & back seems such a small thing to do.

CurlewKate · 19/12/2023 17:35

@diddl "
That doesn't not make it an imposition or a pita for Op though does it?

Fair enough. I can't imagine circumstances where I would think a 30 minute drive of which half would be in blissful silent solitude either an imposition or a pita. But there are many things I don't understand about Mumsnet!

diddl · 19/12/2023 17:44

CurlewKate · 19/12/2023 17:35

@diddl "
That doesn't not make it an imposition or a pita for Op though does it?

Fair enough. I can't imagine circumstances where I would think a 30 minute drive of which half would be in blissful silent solitude either an imposition or a pita. But there are many things I don't understand about Mumsnet!

I admit though I don't get the "It's Christmas Day therefore I must drink"

"X is tee total therefore they might as well give us a lift".

The Op might not find it too onerous-would just have preferred to be asked.

Some people who are asked might think it a cheek to ask after hosting all day.

Others will think of it as part of the hosting.

There's no right or wrong & like many things sometimes you don't mind & sometimes you do.

Circumstances, the asker(s), it's not black & white.

HappySonHappyMum · 19/12/2023 17:48

I do it every year - don't drink and will happily drop my FIL home. A quiet drive after a busy day, Christmas tunes in the car. Honestly don't see the problem. He's family.

grumpycow1 · 19/12/2023 17:54

OP I don’t get to by you are ignoring the comments about your DH being a lazy arse? The issue isn’t the lift as such, it’s that all the burden of hosting is on you and it shouldn’t be.

Ordinarily I’d say just give your guests a lift but I think you should actually bump this one back to DH. Either he gives them a lift or they get a cab.

and just generally, he should step up and maybe cook the F-ing dinner one year or at the very least wash up and order some Amazon gifts. You sound like a bit of a doormat and this is the straw that broke the camel’s back (but the request itself isn’t that out of order on its own)

Oscarlimadelta1 · 19/12/2023 17:55

CurlewKate · 19/12/2023 17:35

@diddl "
That doesn't not make it an imposition or a pita for Op though does it?

Fair enough. I can't imagine circumstances where I would think a 30 minute drive of which half would be in blissful silent solitude either an imposition or a pita. But there are many things I don't understand about Mumsnet!

It's clear that it is an imposition for the OP... In all honesty she should just say no. She does not owe her husband or in-laws an explanation. And It's not 'just 30 mins', it's the OP's time, to which nobody else is entitled. Why should everyone else get to exercise choice on Christmas day except the OP who will be putting in the lions share of the work. That's just crazy. Tee total does not mean free taxi!

Oscarlimadelta1 · 19/12/2023 17:57

grumpycow1 · 19/12/2023 17:54

OP I don’t get to by you are ignoring the comments about your DH being a lazy arse? The issue isn’t the lift as such, it’s that all the burden of hosting is on you and it shouldn’t be.

Ordinarily I’d say just give your guests a lift but I think you should actually bump this one back to DH. Either he gives them a lift or they get a cab.

and just generally, he should step up and maybe cook the F-ing dinner one year or at the very least wash up and order some Amazon gifts. You sound like a bit of a doormat and this is the straw that broke the camel’s back (but the request itself isn’t that out of order on its own)

It madness that you host at home with all the work that goes into that and then have to leave your home to ferry people around...

diddl · 19/12/2023 18:05

Sometimes I think that non drinker are looked down on & therefore of course they should be doing what the drinkers want!

Goodlard · 19/12/2023 19:11

diddl · 19/12/2023 18:05

Sometimes I think that non drinker are looked down on & therefore of course they should be doing what the drinkers want!

What like drink?

NumberTheory · 19/12/2023 19:22

I always offer lifts if I’m not drinking, but I’m not teetotal and it gets reciprocated.

I also see your point about doing all the work and then being expected to taxi people around at the end of of a long day (a day that will probably be significantly longer for you than for anyone else).

I think it’s fair enough to say to them - “Not this time PiL, I’m going to be exhausted by the end of the day and really not up to the drive.”

If your DH is pressuring you, you could suggest you’d be up for doing it if he agreed to do all the prep for dinner, or the tidying up afterwards so that your day isn’t added to, you’re just swapping out a task (though I’m not clear why he isn’t putting in effort here anyway, so may be this isn’t a swap you are inclined to).

diddl · 19/12/2023 19:24

Goodlard · 19/12/2023 19:11

What like drink?

Show quote history

Well no because then they wouldn't be able to give lifts!

48ish · 19/12/2023 19:40

Do you like/love these people? Then yes, of course.

Strikes me as quite petty to insist they get a taxi (which on Christmas Day would probably cost about £20) while you have a car and can easily drive them.

cassy16 · 19/12/2023 21:11

I think it’s just being unreasonably hostile not to want to give family a lift when you can, even just to spare the price of Christmas taxis. I would feel super strange if I could help someone and just didn’t.

OhYeahOhYeah · 19/12/2023 21:15

You certainly don’t have to ‘drink to excess’ to be over the limit. One large glass of wine is too much.

The Outlaws are being sensible in not wanting to drink and drive BUT they could easily book a taxi, which is fair especially if OP is hosting and having to do ALL THE THINGS

GlomOfNit · 19/12/2023 21:26

What are you going to miss in 30 minutes? I'm sure you'll get back into the swing of things on your return. If I weren't drinking and it was such a short distance, I probably wouldn't think twice about this. It's just a nice thing to do?

scottishGirl · 19/12/2023 21:55

As it's Christmas and taxis will be more expensive, I would just give them a lift personally.

Could a compromise be you pick them up but they need to take a taxi home? then at least you are only doing one drive?

I also think your husband should be doing / starting the clear up since you are taking them home.

Lulu123450 · 19/12/2023 21:56

To be honest, they could just as easily get a cab as it’s only 15 minutes, but as you don’t drink it’s not a big deal really, I’d just do it and think nothing of it (but probably make my husband start clearing up whilst I was on route)

Warriormum1 · 19/12/2023 21:57

This reply has been deleted

This is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

The Spirit of Scrooge lives on! 😂😂😂

Codlingmoths · 19/12/2023 22:07

Netball01 · 18/12/2023 17:13

unfortunately December is my husband’s busiest time of year which is why he isn’t helping with any of the prep.

This is the first year we are hosting so there is no precedent around me giving lifts on Xmas day. When we host dinner parties / other family events etc I have never driven anyone home, they have always made their own way to and from our house - and when we’ve been hosted we have always made our own travel arrangements. Taxis are available on Xmas day, they just don’t want to pay for one

Tell me again why that means he can’t wash the dishes while you drive his parents home?

My brother, late 20s, washed 50 plates and a dozen platters etc up on one of our Christmas events Sunday, he just went into the kitchen and got started. Everyone on mumsnet, train your boys.

Callyem · 19/12/2023 22:07

I think if my husband was pulling his weight with the hosting I wouldn't mind, but I would want to set an outside time for the latest id be willing, otherwise I would be waiting on tenterhooks for them to decide they want to go, not being able to relax in the in between.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 19/12/2023 22:08

I’d expect to be able to give lifts when it suited ME rather than at the drop of a hat, but yes, I wouldn’t expect them to get a taxi or not have a drink so they could drive themselves. If you don’t drink anyway, it shouldn’t be that big a deal, unless you really dislike them.