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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re lifts over Christmas ?

673 replies

Netball01 · 18/12/2023 15:47

We are hosting my in-laws on Christmas Day this year - I’ve just found out that they are expecting me to drop them home as they want to have a drink and I’m teetotal. AIBU to think this is cheeky and to say no ? My DH is putting on the pressure for me to do it.

For context, they live about 15 mins away so it would be a 30 min round trip for me. We aren’t asking for any contribution towards hosting (financial or otherwise).

YABU - give them a lift
YANBU - don’t give them a lift

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 18/12/2023 17:33

@Netball01 you still haven't said why your husband isn't driving his parents home?

IglesiasPiggl · 18/12/2023 17:33

I would drop them home as I quite like to get out of the house at some point on Christmas Day. I would need to be back in time for Call the Midwife though 😁

AcrossthePond55 · 18/12/2023 17:34

Netball01 · 18/12/2023 17:13

unfortunately December is my husband’s busiest time of year which is why he isn’t helping with any of the prep.

This is the first year we are hosting so there is no precedent around me giving lifts on Xmas day. When we host dinner parties / other family events etc I have never driven anyone home, they have always made their own way to and from our house - and when we’ve been hosted we have always made our own travel arrangements. Taxis are available on Xmas day, they just don’t want to pay for one

OK, that's fine for the lead up to Xmas and all that entails if you're happy to take that all on. But even if it's his 'busiest time of the year' I'm sure he could find 10 minute here and 20 minutes there to hop on Amazon and order a couple of gifts from your list and/or the grocers to order the food, or address a few cards, or hang a few decs on the tree. I admit I do 90% of the Xmas prep/buying/decorating/cooking but that is because I truly enjoy it and I'll also admit I want them done 'right' (ie 'my way'), but DH does pitch in when I need him to and the outside lights are all his to do! This is my choice and accept the 'burden' of it. But I can tell you that there is no way my DH would expect me to go out of my way or take the 'extra duty' of chauffeuring his parents around, especially on Xmas Day and double especially when I'm cooking/hosting.

As I said upthread, your DH needs to learn to drive unless there is a medical reason he can't. And if there's a medical reason he can't then his parents need to suck it up and drive themselves and (boo fucking hoo) not drink. When my mum stopped driving (at my and my DBro's request) I certainly didn't expect DH to chauffeur her around, although he would have if I'd asked. But she was my mum so that was my job and I was glad to do it.

Especially if you plan on hosting routinely, you need to set the precedent now that you will NOT be driving anyone anywhere if you are hosting. Begin as you mean to go on, or you'll be pulling 'double duty' for years.

LlynTegid · 18/12/2023 17:35

You are in control of when they leave if you do this.

I think they should have asked earlier though, directly to you.

longtompot · 18/12/2023 17:39

Netball01 · 18/12/2023 16:28

@ThequalityoftheReps

I do all the prep, cleaning, present buying etc before christmas. My husband sorts the drinks for everyone but otherwise I do all the cooking and washing up etc

My In laws don’t help at all.

I originally said yabu not to give them a lift, but then I read this post @Netball01
They expect you to do everything and the run them home when they are ready! Book a taxi for them and enjoy not driving after a busy day. It would be a different matter if you said they bring food, drinks and nibbles, are very helpful with laying the table, washing up etc
YANBU

autienotnaughty · 18/12/2023 17:39

It's a bit like when smokers use to get loads of cigarette breaks and non smokers didn't. You are being penalised for not drinking and presumably it will be assumed going forward that you are designated driver.

I would do it as it's Christmas Day and not too far but I'd tell your dh he can do the pots instead. It's only fair you get something out of this.

Original poster
Netball01 · 18/12/2023 17:41

The reason my husband won’t be the one to give a lift is because he wants to drink too!

Re would I do it for my parents - we have hosted them for Xmas in the past and they have always booked a taxi without any discussion as they feel 12+hours of hosting is enough for me to do !!

I guess everyone sees it differently, and as I said when I’m already in the car I’m happy to give lifts but to make a journey late on Xmas night when I’ve hosted all day doesn’t feel fair for the sake of a taxi fare.

OP posts:
Lamelie · 18/12/2023 17:42

I’d do it. And I will be doing it as a teetotaller. It’s lovely, nice quiet car, at least on the way home and DH has done the clearing up by my return. Win win.

WinterDeWinter · 18/12/2023 17:44

It's not that DH should drive - it's that he should be splitting every single other thing fairly, including the mental load of Xmas.

If you weren't already being everyone's support human then you probably would cheerfully give the lift, wouldn't you?

But you know that you will be exhausted and resentful by the end and this will feel like the last straw.

Delatron · 18/12/2023 17:45

I think given the later info about you doing everything then it’s fine to tell them to get a taxi. Push back on your DH ‘of course I won’t be heading out in the car after a full day of hosting your parents - you need to book them a cab or not drink yourself and drive them’

But you must also see some of your reluctance/resentment is because you are doing everything on the day. If your DH chipped in and cleared up you may be more willing to give them a lift. You’d be less exhausted and in need of a rest.

WinterDeWinter · 18/12/2023 17:46

And if you do do it, definitely don't leave it later than 7pm to take them, so at least you get an evening. If they want to stay later they should get a taxi.

Delatron · 18/12/2023 17:46

Lamelie · 18/12/2023 17:42

I’d do it. And I will be doing it as a teetotaller. It’s lovely, nice quiet car, at least on the way home and DH has done the clearing up by my return. Win win.

OP’s DH won’t have cleared up though. So no doubt she’ll get back to a mess that needs clearing late at night.

Sugarsun · 18/12/2023 17:48

This wouldn’t bother me.

But I do understand why you’re annoyed - you’re literally doing everything whilst they just sit there drinking and you don’t get to relax properly as you’re prepping and then driving them home.

A taxi would be extortionate but if you’re really unhappy about this then I’d tell DH to drive them instead and he’ll have to wait until they’ve gone to drink.

CurlewKate · 18/12/2023 17:48

Seems deeply unfair to take out resentment of your dh out on other people.....

Sugarsun · 18/12/2023 17:50

WinterDeWinter · 18/12/2023 17:44

It's not that DH should drive - it's that he should be splitting every single other thing fairly, including the mental load of Xmas.

If you weren't already being everyone's support human then you probably would cheerfully give the lift, wouldn't you?

But you know that you will be exhausted and resentful by the end and this will feel like the last straw.

I agree with this.

It’s not just about the lift.
Its about you having to do everything else and now they want you to do this extra thing on top.

It must almost feel like you’re being punished for being tee total.

diddl · 18/12/2023 17:50

The reason my husband won’t be the one to give a lift is because he wants to drink too!

So he is at least offering to fetch them?

TheGoogleMum · 18/12/2023 17:51

I'm in 2 minds on this one. Taxis are rarer and more expensive on Christmas day. When DH and I have visited family at Xmas one of us doesn't drink. If the hosts had someone sober I wouldn't assume they'd do a lift but it would be a lovely thing to offer. So they are being unreasonable to expect it I think but it would be nice to offer! I do think Xmas day and new yrs eve are dates when you try to avoid a taxi if possible

Peterbread · 18/12/2023 17:53

I had originally thought YWBU, but after your update about having to do ALL the work, absolutely no way. And if you're taking them back, would you also be picking them up? No way! Stand your ground. If your husband is insisting, he can take them home!

Anele22 · 18/12/2023 17:53

'We weren't asking for any contribution towards hosting'

Well, why would you? They are your husband's parents, after all. You make it sound like a massive act of generosity.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 18/12/2023 17:53

I don't drink and I would drive them home - mainly because that way I get to dictate when they have to leave Xmas Grin

I would start yawning and say right, I am still awake enough to drive you home, any later and you will have to get a taxi.

Original poster
Netball01 · 18/12/2023 17:55

@Anele22 it was just to give context that the only financial contribution for in laws for Xmas day would be the (£30) Taxi fare

OP posts:
NutellaNut · 18/12/2023 17:55

As a fellow teetotaller, like you I’ve had a lifetime of giving lifts! However if the in-laws are only 15 minutes away, that’s really nothing in the scheme of things. I’d probably set some conditions though, ie. 1) Not going too late in the evening so you can chill out afterwards and 2) DH tidies up /unstacks the dishwasher or does whatever chore you don’t like while you’re out to make up for it.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/12/2023 17:56

@Netball01

The reason my husband won’t be the one to give a lift is because he wants to drink too!

My response would be 'Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!'. OK, maybe not literally. But it would be a hard "Ain't hap'nin', Darlin'", unless he wants to take over all the hosting duties. No? Thought not.

So, let me get this right. It's more important to him to be able to get tipsy than to see that his wife, who has worked so hard to make a nice Xmas for all, isn't overburdened by HIS parents? That's downright rude and inconsiderate.

Stick to your guns, tell him no. Either he does the driving for them or they make 'travel arrangements' that do NOT include you.

sl0th · 18/12/2023 17:56

YANBU! I wouldn't want to either after a long day of prepping and cooking, regardless of the distance, tell them to book a taxi!

SecondUsername4me · 18/12/2023 17:56

KVick · 18/12/2023 16:29

I don't think Op's being unreasonable at all! Are these guests such hardcore alcoholics that they don't know how to drink at social events without getting plastered?! Why should the host have to accommodate their substance abuse? They need to get a taxi or uber if it's so important for them to drink to excess.

Why have you assumed they are alcoholics or are drinking to excess, they are simply having too much alcohol to drive themselves (which in Scotland is any alcohol, and in England is "more than one").

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