Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Covid - Xmas contact - who is bu?

170 replies

StupidStunts · 18/12/2023 11:22

Ex has cancelled the last two weekend contacts (monthly - his choice) due to illness on his part. Both cancelled at the last possible minute with no warning despite him having been unwell for some time both times. Dc really struggled to cope with the disappointment both times. One dc suspected ASD, and has struggled really badly with the sudden change.

Dc due to go to ex on 22nd for a week. I have to drive them there as he lives far away. He collects in weekend contacts and I deliver on holiday contacts.

Yesterday I tested positive for covid and I'm not well at all - fever, cough, breathing issues, aches etc. I've had it twice before and not been affected like this. Dc2 told ex on phone about me having covid and he says they can't come then because he can't risk getting it. Now he's saying he didn't say that (he did - several times - phone was on speaker in next room and I heard him). Dc1 is terribly upset again.

Today ex denies saying this to dc2, says I will definitely be well enough to drive them on Friday, they can come as long as they have negative tests on Friday - but they must test in front of him or they can't come and he flat out refuses to collect them. He says I'm being unreasonable to say that I'll test them in the morning and if we drive 50miles to his place then theyre going (bearing in mind they'll have had negative tests that morning) and they're not testing again when they arrive while I wait. He says I'm being unreasonable to say he may need to collect them depending on how I am, and he just won't.

Dc2 find the uncertainty the hardest to deal with. I feel like I just have to call it and say they can't go in these circs. He says 'the children will see that you are being unreasonable'

AIBU to say that I cannot drive them there and then have them have to test in front of him, having done tests already that morning, and if he absolutely will not collect them (if necessary) then they just can't go?

He is not vulnerable for any particular reason. He has been unwell for some weeks and apparently antibiotics have not helped. So maybe he is being reasonable to say he can't risk getting covid, but in that case he just needs to say they can't come and not leave it uncertain like this?

OP posts:
MuggleMe · 18/12/2023 11:24

He needs to collect, I'd be worried about you driving so unwell. And then he can watch the children test, or you could video them testing??

Original poster
StupidStunts · 18/12/2023 11:31

Yes - to me it would be totally irresponsible to drive if I'm not well enough. I might be but I can't guarantee it.

I think he genuinely thinks I'll fake negative tests so that they go, I suppose I could video and then leave the camera watching the tests develop. Madness. I'll offer that.

OP posts:
Dotjones · 18/12/2023 11:36

I think it's fair enough for him to demand the tests be done in front of him so that he knows you're not lying about the results, but it's your call as to whether you're well enough and willing to make the drive yourself. He can't "force" you to drive them over.

Original poster
StupidStunts · 18/12/2023 11:40

Really - I've given him no reason ever to think I would fake tests. Ok

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 18/12/2023 11:44

To be honest, anyone who even tests in the first place is being unreasonable. It's 2023, not 2020 and it's completely unnecessary.

mrsbyers · 18/12/2023 11:48

Can’t believe people still comment saying testing is unreasonable - how ignorant ? People are still at higher risk from covid if existing illnesses or elderly etc

Original poster
StupidStunts · 18/12/2023 11:49

I had to because I was due to go to a church event with lots of very old people yesterday. My son was in the church event and was very upset that I couldn't go. Anyhow.

OP posts:
WorriedMum231 · 18/12/2023 11:50

Honestly, I wouldn’t allow my children to be messed around like that and he would have to take me to court to see them again.

Constant, continuous contact with Dad - absolutely. Dad filtering in and out when he feels like it - no chance.

Don’t test for Covid there is no need to anymore it’s actually just causes more problems then it solves now.

Nicole1111 · 18/12/2023 11:52

Absolutely do not drive unless you’ve tested first. Video record the tests and send it to him. He doesn’t need more than that and he’s being unreasonable to demand it. Also do not drive if you don’t feel up to it. Why on Earth does it always have to be on you to do the transport? If he wanted to see the children he would collect them. It’s as simple as that.

WorriedMum231 · 18/12/2023 11:52

mrsbyers · 18/12/2023 11:48

Can’t believe people still comment saying testing is unreasonable - how ignorant ? People are still at higher risk from covid if existing illnesses or elderly etc

The vaccines have done their job and the risk is the same as the flu or a bad cold. A bad cold can also be very bad for elderly and vulnerable but we don’t test for that.

There’s no need to test for Covid as there’s no need to test for Flu, as a society we just need to live with it now.

I do understand that’s scary for some though but it’s just the facts.

Lilacdressinggown · 18/12/2023 11:54

This isn’t for the OP but for those people saying don’t test.
I think it’s still important to test for COVID if you know you are going to be around vulnerable people.

Original poster
StupidStunts · 18/12/2023 12:00

Honestly - I don't think he wants them to come, but wants it to be my fault because he knows how upset and angry ds1 will be.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 18/12/2023 12:04

Hbh17 · Today 11:44
**
To be honest, anyone who even tests in the first place is being unreasonable. It's 2023, not 2020 and it's completely unnecessary.”

Foolish comment. I would cancel anyone with Covid planning to visit my immune compromised husband so would need to insist they tested if unwell.
No one objects.

SparrowFeet · 18/12/2023 12:11

Lilacdressinggown · 18/12/2023 11:54

This isn’t for the OP but for those people saying don’t test.
I think it’s still important to test for COVID if you know you are going to be around vulnerable people.

Testing WAS important for people without symptoms yes. If you are ill you shouldn't mix with vulnerable people and you don't need to take a covid test in order to help you decide which germs you feel are okay to spread and which aren't.
The OPs ex is being a complete prick however she could have spared herself the bother by not taking a test in the first place and simply deciding for herself whether to go to the Church.

Original poster
StupidStunts · 18/12/2023 12:13

Have offered to video tests - he says no, test on arrival only. Have pointed out that there is nothing else the dc could make of that than 'daddy doesn't trust mummy'. I won't set out without testing them first so a second test will be pointless, stressful and upsetting for them. Not bloody doing it.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 18/12/2023 12:15

worriedmum231
**
There’s no need to test for Covid as there’s no need to test for Flu, as a society we just need to live with it now.”

Being part of a society means considering others. It’s hardly a big ask, taking a simple, 30 second test.

I wouldn’t visit a vulnerable person if I had ‘flu or cold symptoms, either.

Original poster
StupidStunts · 18/12/2023 12:15

Unfortunately he would have insisted on me tearing when he heard I was unwell so not testing at all was never an option if dc were to go there.

OP posts:
Original poster
StupidStunts · 18/12/2023 12:15

*testing

OP posts:
MistletoeandJd · 18/12/2023 12:15

From this point of view it looks like he doesn't want to have them and he's just trying to make you look like the bad guy ? But saying stuff on the phone to your kids.. Lovely experience for them at Christmas time =(

Original poster
StupidStunts · 18/12/2023 12:23

The horrible crazy dad experience

OP posts:
RatatouillePie · 18/12/2023 12:31

So he gets a break from childcare because he was ill. You get ill and you're now allowed a break from childcare. Hmm.....

With the latest Covid research, people are actually at their most contagious one day BEFORE they show symptoms and can also be contagious 2 or 3 days before symptoms... hence the whole testing thing can be a bit of a red herring.

I'd tell him to drive over and collect (and test) them himself, or just not bother being a parent, as he clearly isn't acting like one. A parent doesn't get to shirk their responsibilities just because they're ill.

PotterHead1985 · 18/12/2023 12:32

WorriedMum231 · 18/12/2023 11:52

The vaccines have done their job and the risk is the same as the flu or a bad cold. A bad cold can also be very bad for elderly and vulnerable but we don’t test for that.

There’s no need to test for Covid as there’s no need to test for Flu, as a society we just need to live with it now.

I do understand that’s scary for some though but it’s just the facts.

Show quote history

Tell that to my neighbour who couldn't have the vaccine as there were ingredients she was allergic too

hydriotaphia · 18/12/2023 12:38

YANBU in the slightest. It would be terribly upsetting for any child to be driven to dad's for Xmas and then being told to turn around and drive home again (in case of a positive test). If you are able I think put your foot down and say that either they test at home with you and he is happy with that or if he must see the test then he drives to you and watches the test there. Absolutely horrible behaviour from him, sorry you and the kids are having to deal with it.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 18/12/2023 12:41

I dont even know why you're entertaining this bollocks from him. I'd be saying fine, don't have them and if you cancel your next scheduled contact then you need to seek and pay for mediation because I'm not having my kids ficked around like that and breaking their hearts every few weeks.

Whether they rest positive or not is a red herring. If they were sick in his watch he desnt get to return them to you like faulty goods. Kids get sick. They spread germs. Thems the breaks. Fuck your ex.

Original poster
StupidStunts · 18/12/2023 12:42

I have said this to him. Either he accepts video of test or he collects and tests.
And yes - he gets a break when he's unwell but I never do.
He also asked for Xmas lists, not ideas but full list of what to buy from where with links and says they can't come if I don't provide this. I sent quite a few links yesterday, some of which are clothes which the dc have specifically asked for. Apparently this is no good, he won't buy clothes because that is 'my responsibility'
It beggars belief. It would be so much easier to just say they're not going, but they really want to.

OP posts: