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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Covid - Xmas contact - who is bu?

170 replies

StupidStunts · 18/12/2023 11:22

Ex has cancelled the last two weekend contacts (monthly - his choice) due to illness on his part. Both cancelled at the last possible minute with no warning despite him having been unwell for some time both times. Dc really struggled to cope with the disappointment both times. One dc suspected ASD, and has struggled really badly with the sudden change.

Dc due to go to ex on 22nd for a week. I have to drive them there as he lives far away. He collects in weekend contacts and I deliver on holiday contacts.

Yesterday I tested positive for covid and I'm not well at all - fever, cough, breathing issues, aches etc. I've had it twice before and not been affected like this. Dc2 told ex on phone about me having covid and he says they can't come then because he can't risk getting it. Now he's saying he didn't say that (he did - several times - phone was on speaker in next room and I heard him). Dc1 is terribly upset again.

Today ex denies saying this to dc2, says I will definitely be well enough to drive them on Friday, they can come as long as they have negative tests on Friday - but they must test in front of him or they can't come and he flat out refuses to collect them. He says I'm being unreasonable to say that I'll test them in the morning and if we drive 50miles to his place then theyre going (bearing in mind they'll have had negative tests that morning) and they're not testing again when they arrive while I wait. He says I'm being unreasonable to say he may need to collect them depending on how I am, and he just won't.

Dc2 find the uncertainty the hardest to deal with. I feel like I just have to call it and say they can't go in these circs. He says 'the children will see that you are being unreasonable'

AIBU to say that I cannot drive them there and then have them have to test in front of him, having done tests already that morning, and if he absolutely will not collect them (if necessary) then they just can't go?

He is not vulnerable for any particular reason. He has been unwell for some weeks and apparently antibiotics have not helped. So maybe he is being reasonable to say he can't risk getting covid, but in that case he just needs to say they can't come and not leave it uncertain like this?

OP posts:
PollyPut · 18/12/2023 16:18

@StupidStunts I've heard a lot of reports of dizziness with the latest batch of covid. don't drive if it might be dangerous for you.

PollyPut · 18/12/2023 16:20

Also - if ex is promising you'll be well enough on Friday, that's just a bit stupid. He doesn't know that and the DC will realise that; they won't trust him

strawberry2017 · 18/12/2023 16:21

Is contact court ordered?
If not then I would start being more honest with the kids, then tell him you won't be bringing them and enjoy Xmas at home with them and ignore the arsehole

Mumof2teens79 · 18/12/2023 16:22

Testing is relatively pointless in this situation. They could test negative when they get there and then become ill within 24 hours....and they are staying few days.

I understand not wanting to get ill, but he is a parents, and parents don't get to opt out of caring for (potentially) sick kids unless they have very good reasons.

Original poster
StupidStunts · 18/12/2023 16:32

Just spoken to him. He has relented about collecting them if necessary and accepting video evidence of negative tests.

Contact is court ordered and the dc do want to go.

I've also told him that I won't send him any more present links - he can sort it for himself.

Apparently though im trying to 'spread it around' and 'going against government guidance' and 'putting his family at risk' and 'nobody would think I'm reasonable in sending them when they might be carrying covid'. I pointed out that he is a parent and if he has them and chooses to take them to his family it is him putting them at risk, not me. He accused me of 'using the children as bio weapons' at which point I had to hang up.

OP posts:
Stilldigging · 18/12/2023 16:33

I'd be completely honest with him and say it is upsetting the DC having him constantly cancel at the last minute. Tell him he can't have them at Christmas because they need to know ahead of time what the plan is. It will probably upset them but it's better than driving all the way there to find he thinks he sees a line on a test, or him sending them back after a day or two when they get there and develop Covid.

It will probably make you seem like the mean parent but they need to not be exposed to his game playing. The only way to really disengage with it is for you to call it now.

ClaudiaWankleman · 18/12/2023 16:37

Mirabai · 18/12/2023 13:58

Well I have an AI disease and no cold, flu, chest infection has ever affected me like Covid has. HTH.

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Meaningless anecdote.

WorriedMum231 · 18/12/2023 17:38

Notmetoo · 18/12/2023 16:10

No they aren't the facts for many people COVID is not like flu or other respiratory viruses. For some people it can have long-term life changing effects even if it doesn't kill you.
My friend has just had a hospital stay because if heart problems and the first thing they did was test her for COVID because she was in a ward with other vulnerable people she was positive so was put alone on a side ward. So in some cases it is still important to test.
I don't understand why so many people just won't accept that.

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That’s a totally different scenario to kids visiting their Dad.

WorriedMum231 · 18/12/2023 17:40

StupidStunts · 18/12/2023 16:32

Just spoken to him. He has relented about collecting them if necessary and accepting video evidence of negative tests.

Contact is court ordered and the dc do want to go.

I've also told him that I won't send him any more present links - he can sort it for himself.

Apparently though im trying to 'spread it around' and 'going against government guidance' and 'putting his family at risk' and 'nobody would think I'm reasonable in sending them when they might be carrying covid'. I pointed out that he is a parent and if he has them and chooses to take them to his family it is him putting them at risk, not me. He accused me of 'using the children as bio weapons' at which point I had to hang up.

Court ordered but only applies when it suits him? If he messed my kids around and played with their heads like that I’d happily be taken back to court.

Mirabai · 18/12/2023 18:11

StupidStunts · 18/12/2023 16:32

Just spoken to him. He has relented about collecting them if necessary and accepting video evidence of negative tests.

Contact is court ordered and the dc do want to go.

I've also told him that I won't send him any more present links - he can sort it for himself.

Apparently though im trying to 'spread it around' and 'going against government guidance' and 'putting his family at risk' and 'nobody would think I'm reasonable in sending them when they might be carrying covid'. I pointed out that he is a parent and if he has them and chooses to take them to his family it is him putting them at risk, not me. He accused me of 'using the children as bio weapons' at which point I had to hang up.

You need to go back to court as he is not complying and it’s devastating the kids. You also need to establish that both of you are responsible for buying clothes.

I also dont think you should even consider driving the kids down. He picks them up, he can do the Covid tests himself. Point out that you driving them down, sharing closed airspace is possibly the best recipe for passing it to them.

Theunamedcat · 18/12/2023 18:22

If the kids want clothing for Christmas he should buy them clothing for Christmas who the fuck does he think he is dictating like that what a fucking knob

Goodlard · 18/12/2023 18:35

StupidStunts · 18/12/2023 16:32

Just spoken to him. He has relented about collecting them if necessary and accepting video evidence of negative tests.

Contact is court ordered and the dc do want to go.

I've also told him that I won't send him any more present links - he can sort it for himself.

Apparently though im trying to 'spread it around' and 'going against government guidance' and 'putting his family at risk' and 'nobody would think I'm reasonable in sending them when they might be carrying covid'. I pointed out that he is a parent and if he has them and chooses to take them to his family it is him putting them at risk, not me. He accused me of 'using the children as bio weapons' at which point I had to hang up.

Oh tell him to go boil his head!

Mirabai · 18/12/2023 18:51

ClaudiaWankleman · 18/12/2023 16:37

Meaningless anecdote.

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Are you always this rude? Great to hear my life is meaningless.

Goodlard · 18/12/2023 18:58

@Mirabai the anecdote is meaningless, where did. It say your life is meaningless?

Ewock · 18/12/2023 19:00

Hbh17 · 18/12/2023 11:44

To be honest, anyone who even tests in the first place is being unreasonable. It's 2023, not 2020 and it's completely unnecessary.

Not being goady but can I ask why you feel it is unnecessary?

Namerequired · 18/12/2023 19:12

StupidStunts · 18/12/2023 16:32

Just spoken to him. He has relented about collecting them if necessary and accepting video evidence of negative tests.

Contact is court ordered and the dc do want to go.

I've also told him that I won't send him any more present links - he can sort it for himself.

Apparently though im trying to 'spread it around' and 'going against government guidance' and 'putting his family at risk' and 'nobody would think I'm reasonable in sending them when they might be carrying covid'. I pointed out that he is a parent and if he has them and chooses to take them to his family it is him putting them at risk, not me. He accused me of 'using the children as bio weapons' at which point I had to hang up.

He really doesn’t want them and is trying to push it on to you. 💯

Mirabai · 18/12/2023 19:16

Goodlard · 18/12/2023 18:58

@Mirabai the anecdote is meaningless, where did. It say your life is meaningless?

It wasn’t an “anecdote” (which is an amusing or unreliable story) it was my life experience and apparently “meaningless”

Mirabai · 18/12/2023 19:19

Anyway it’s not just my life experience, Long Covid is widespread and well recognised. There is no other virus around that produces that kind of effect read that is because it is a more destructive pathogen than ordinary flu/colds.

ClaudiaWankleman · 18/12/2023 21:32

Mirabai · 18/12/2023 19:16

It wasn’t an “anecdote” (which is an amusing or unreliable story) it was my life experience and apparently “meaningless”

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You represented your individual experience (note: anecdote) as evidence that Covid was somehow more powerful than coughs, colds, chest infections etc. Yes, that’s meaningless. No, I don’t care about your mumsnet cliche ‘are you always so rude?’

Outofmydepthnow · 18/12/2023 22:03

I am beyond livid with the people who think that Covid is done ..

I lost BOTH parents within EIGHT DAYS this year .. they were previously fit healthy rule followers .. vaccinated and boosted .. pm me if you think it's made up .. I will send you copies of their death certificates...

Just because it's no longer expedient for the government to say so .. Covid is a killer..

hugohumbug · 18/12/2023 22:08

Lilacdressinggown · 18/12/2023 11:54

This isn’t for the OP but for those people saying don’t test.
I think it’s still important to test for COVID if you know you are going to be around vulnerable people.

Exactly! I find people's complacency terrifying. Yes for most it's a cold but jabs don't make you free from risk. You may still get very sick and you shouldn't be spreading it so freely.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/12/2023 22:13

He sounds like a complete prick.

Coffeeandcatsforlife · 18/12/2023 22:24

Oh OP, I feel for you. I too had an unreasonable ex who kept threatening to take me to court unless I followed his rules, I was unreasonable for not letting him drive them when he was drunk etc. I told him to take me to court, I knew I was doing what was absolutely the right thing for my children. Court and cafcass were wonderful with me. I explained I want them to see their dad-they love him but I don’t want them in danger (in denial alcoholic etc) and said all this all over
the place contact was badly effecting my children, especially my autistic one. I vent over backwards so my children could see their dad safely…going to ex families homes (horrible for me), local children centre and then a contact centre in the next town. He died 2 years ago from the drinking. I tried so much to get him to sort himself out for our children but to no avail…i despised him in the end, but I know that everything I ever did was for the best for my children.

Please do not allow him to bully you. All you need to do is ask yourself “are
my actions solely for the good of my children?” If the answer is yes then you are
doing your job. Your children may want to see their dad…but not at the expense of him emotionally abusing their mum. If he genuinely wants to see his children he will bend over backwards for that to happen. Sending him links for Xmas gifts is not part of your job. He’s a grown ass adult who needs to parent his children properly. He sounds pathetic. If your children are upset then that is absolutely on your ex and not you. Please please stop allowing him to bully you, you sounds like a bloody fantastic mum.

Zoreos · 18/12/2023 22:39

Coffeeandcatsforlife · 18/12/2023 22:24

Oh OP, I feel for you. I too had an unreasonable ex who kept threatening to take me to court unless I followed his rules, I was unreasonable for not letting him drive them when he was drunk etc. I told him to take me to court, I knew I was doing what was absolutely the right thing for my children. Court and cafcass were wonderful with me. I explained I want them to see their dad-they love him but I don’t want them in danger (in denial alcoholic etc) and said all this all over
the place contact was badly effecting my children, especially my autistic one. I vent over backwards so my children could see their dad safely…going to ex families homes (horrible for me), local children centre and then a contact centre in the next town. He died 2 years ago from the drinking. I tried so much to get him to sort himself out for our children but to no avail…i despised him in the end, but I know that everything I ever did was for the best for my children.

Please do not allow him to bully you. All you need to do is ask yourself “are
my actions solely for the good of my children?” If the answer is yes then you are
doing your job. Your children may want to see their dad…but not at the expense of him emotionally abusing their mum. If he genuinely wants to see his children he will bend over backwards for that to happen. Sending him links for Xmas gifts is not part of your job. He’s a grown ass adult who needs to parent his children properly. He sounds pathetic. If your children are upset then that is absolutely on your ex and not you. Please please stop allowing him to bully you, you sounds like a bloody fantastic mum.

This is probably the best piece of advice I’ve seen on MN in a long, long time. I’m so sorry you had to fight so hard for your children against your ex, I hope your life is a happy one now. Your children sound very lucky to have you.

TempestTost · 18/12/2023 23:01

Tacotortoise · 18/12/2023 14:33

Did you know that in other, more developed, countries with more advanced healthcare systems they do swab for flu and a range of more serious cold/flu type things so they can give the right advice and treatment?

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Not routinely they don't.

No other endemic respiratory disease has people sick in the population testing themselves.

It's not about how serious it is, it's because it makes no sense to try and control an endemic virus that way.

When people are ill enough to be admitted to hospital, it's a different story, for a variety of reasons.