Covid - Xmas contact - who is bu?

[StupidStunts]

Ex has cancelled the last two weekend contacts (monthly - his choice) due to illness on his part. Both cancelled at the last possible minute with no warning despite him having been unwell for some time both times. Dc really struggled to cope with the disappointment both times. One dc suspected ASD, and has struggled really badly with the sudden change.

Dc due to go to ex on 22nd for a week. I have to drive them there as he lives far away. He collects in weekend contacts and I deliver on holiday contacts.

Yesterday I tested positive for covid and I'm not well at all - fever, cough, breathing issues, aches etc. I've had it twice before and not been affected like this. Dc2 told ex on phone about me having covid and he says they can't come then because he can't risk getting it. Now he's saying he didn't say that (he did - several times - phone was on speaker in next room and I heard him). Dc1 is terribly upset again.

Today ex denies saying this to dc2, says I will definitely be well enough to drive them on Friday, they can come as long as they have negative tests on Friday - but they must test in front of him or they can't come and he flat out refuses to collect them. He says I'm being unreasonable to say that I'll test them in the morning and if we drive 50miles to his place then theyre going (bearing in mind they'll have had negative tests that morning) and they're not testing again when they arrive while I wait. He says I'm being unreasonable to say he may need to collect them depending on how I am, and he just won't.

Dc2 find the uncertainty the hardest to deal with. I feel like I just have to call it and say they can't go in these circs. He says 'the children will see that you are being unreasonable'

AIBU to say that I cannot drive them there and then have them have to test in front of him, having done tests already that morning, and if he absolutely will not collect them (if necessary) then they just can't go?

He is not vulnerable for any particular reason. He has been unwell for some weeks and apparently antibiotics have not helped. So maybe he is being reasonable to say he can't risk getting covid, but in that case he just needs to say they can't come and not leave it uncertain like this?

Foolish comment. I would cancel anyone with Covid planning to visit my immune compromised husband so would need to insist they tested if unwell.
No one objects.

Why does testing matter, surely you don't want people who are unwell being around your husband REGARDLESS of what they are unwell with??

Say someone is unwell, they covid test and it's negative are you saying you'd be happy to still see them??

Why are people so bitchy and captious about covid testing? Its not a goddamn imposition on you if someone else wants a test. Uts not the civil rights issue of the age. Do it or dont do it but stop whining about it or trying to convince other people its not necessary. If they feel it gives useful information who are you to moan about it?

He’s an idiot! If they don’t go will you be able to manage with childcare etc for the week?

Sounds like he is looking for excuses and hoping you won’t bring them. He’s already missed 2 months of seeing them. I would keep your DC with you especially since it’s upsetting them.

Absolute bollocks, I got Covid last March, I’ve had Long Covid ever since. I’m still nowhere near back to normal.

All because some twit like you thought they didn’t need to bother testing for Covid or being responsible.

Every time I’ve had any kind of cough in the last 3 years I have tested myself to protect other people.

Well I have an AI disease and no cold, flu, chest infection has ever affected me like Covid has. HTH.

Anyway - OP you’re dealing with an impossible man and realistically I think you may have to go back to court to get things set in stone.

Sorry you're having to deal with this. He's being v unreasonable.

People like Trump say something ludicrous and then put 'fact!' next to it. Guess what - it doesn't make it a fact. To all the people up in arms that some are testing, get a grip ffs. Or at least provide a shred of evidence that covid is just a cold, to counteract the plethora of research that says otherwise.

Basically, he wants you to be forced to cancel so he can tell the dc that it’s your fault they can’t go. He don’t want them there. If he did he wouldn’t be throwing so many obstacles in the way.

He's being ridiculous.

He's a parent, he doesn't get to not-parent when his children are sick or contagious.

I'd tell him he has to come and collect them, because you're not going to drive that far unless he's sure to let them in. Waiting outside for a test to develop seems really cruel and dismissive of your children's feelings, not to mention disrespectful of your time.

You can tell the children that their dad has to get them, and if he doesn't then that's on him. Your children will grow up and see who was putting them first and who was not.

This is such a Mumsnet cliche- but could your ex have ASD? He seems very rigid in his thinking, and it's highly genetic.

All you can do is be consistent and have boundaries. 'Ex- it's not for you to tell me how to behave in my home' 'ex- you can collect DCs from my home since you feel so strongly about testing' 'ex- our SN child is suffering from the lack of certainty- let me know by tomorrow if you will be collecting them on 22 dec or if I need to make plans to have them with me instead.'

I'm all for being careful around Covid- but if your child has it, you're in the firing line for it as well. That's part of being a parent.

How old are the DC? I would sit them down tonight and explain that dad doesn't want to take the risk of having them because of covid, so you are going to plan Christmas with you... and what would they like to do / eat etc.

I would tell Ex that you are not fit enough to drive and you won't be clear of covid anyway by Friday so if he is scared to get it it's best you don't bring them.

I'd do it today so that dc1 has time to deal with his anger, get his head around the new plan and move forward for hopefully a reasonable Christmas. Its awful when adults who are supposed to understand the challenges such dc face make it all about them and in doing so make it worse for dc.

Did you know that in other, more developed, countries with more advanced healthcare systems they do swab for flu and a range of more serious cold/flu type things so they can give the right advice and treatment?

That is really very sad but it doesn’t change the situation I’m afraid.

Your anger doesn’t change the fact that we have to get used to Covid. Your situation is sad but it’s part of the world now.

I would be in full support of that in the UK.

Its part of the world so people need to get themselves tested and behave responsibly.

Oh, for god's sake, this isn't meant to be a debate about the validity of covid-testing and vaccines!

If you all want to have that debate-start your own threads-and stop hijacking the OP's thread.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, OP.

What would if he do if he had the kids full-time? He wouldn't be able to shirk his responsibilities then if he got sick or feared them being contagious.

I think at this point, you need to stop protecting his image in front of his children. He's the one putting up all the obstacles to seeing them as planned-and refusing your reasonable attempts around them-and as hard as this is-they need to know that this isn't you.

Do as another poster suggests-get him on FaceTime with the kids-and they can make the suggestion to film themselves testing on the Friday morning. Put him on the spot. He'll either have to agree to it or explain to the children why not.

Then, you need to set out your stall clearly. If he wants them tested before his very eyes, he needs to make the journey himself and collect them. You're not driving all that way only to risk having to drive them all the way back disappointed and heartbroken.

If he doesn't want to collect, but still wants to see them-then he needs to accept that they'll be tested on the morning over video and that is that.

If that is not good enough for him, call it. Remove the uncertainty for your kids right away and make plans for Christmas with them. It's so terrible that he's doing this-and I'd be looking at court arrangements/mediation after this if I were you.

He cannot just decide to opt out of pre-arranged visits whenever he sees fit.

Another useless, feckless man who doesn't want to actually be a parent, which yes, involves looking after your kids when either they or you are sick.

What does he think solo parents do?

He's a complete hypocrite for not wanting his kids on his contact time when he's sick, but expecting you to carry on parenting when you're ill.

He should have driven to yours when you informed him you had Covid and collected his kids then, to both protect them from getting Covid and because he hasn't seen them for so blinking long.

What a waste of space this man is.

He is a massive twat and really there is only so much you can do to protect your children from that. Unfortunately it’s just something they are going to see. I also have asd kids and know the extra complications.
If he didn’t take my word for the fact a test was negative he could sing for it. Unless you have some long history of lying that’s just ridiculous. He could also come lift them now surely and let you rest and protect them from getting it, though that may be too late. He’s missed the last 2 contacts, he should be lifting them anyway.
I understand someone vulnerable not wanting to get it. I was on the cev list and have been hospitalised with it, but I have children and if they get it, they get it, I will just have to deal with it. We can all just take the best precautions we can. There’s definitely no isolating within a household.

I wouldn't want my DC spending their Christmas with him. He sounds awful. Do they actually enjoy staying with him?.

Yeah, this.

And of course you can't drive if you're not well enough. Don't put yourself in charge of a big metal thing that can kill people if you aren't fit.

Frontline workers don't need to test so why do your children need to go through the horribleness of a covid test?

What an arsehole. Why are you entertaining this shit?

No they aren't the facts for many people COVID is not like flu or other respiratory viruses. For some people it can have long-term life changing effects even if it doesn't kill you.
My friend has just had a hospital stay because if heart problems and the first thing they did was test her for COVID because she was in a ward with other vulnerable people she was positive so was put alone on a side ward. So in some cases it is still important to test.
I don't understand why so many people just won't accept that.

The covid is a bit of a red herring here. I realise the testing issue only arises with covid, but from what OP says he'd find a way to be a controlling twat anyway. The present lists have nothing to do with illness, for example.

Some people still care about others and don’t want to spread Covid around.