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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Covid - Xmas contact - who is bu?

170 replies

StupidStunts · 18/12/2023 11:22

Ex has cancelled the last two weekend contacts (monthly - his choice) due to illness on his part. Both cancelled at the last possible minute with no warning despite him having been unwell for some time both times. Dc really struggled to cope with the disappointment both times. One dc suspected ASD, and has struggled really badly with the sudden change.

Dc due to go to ex on 22nd for a week. I have to drive them there as he lives far away. He collects in weekend contacts and I deliver on holiday contacts.

Yesterday I tested positive for covid and I'm not well at all - fever, cough, breathing issues, aches etc. I've had it twice before and not been affected like this. Dc2 told ex on phone about me having covid and he says they can't come then because he can't risk getting it. Now he's saying he didn't say that (he did - several times - phone was on speaker in next room and I heard him). Dc1 is terribly upset again.

Today ex denies saying this to dc2, says I will definitely be well enough to drive them on Friday, they can come as long as they have negative tests on Friday - but they must test in front of him or they can't come and he flat out refuses to collect them. He says I'm being unreasonable to say that I'll test them in the morning and if we drive 50miles to his place then theyre going (bearing in mind they'll have had negative tests that morning) and they're not testing again when they arrive while I wait. He says I'm being unreasonable to say he may need to collect them depending on how I am, and he just won't.

Dc2 find the uncertainty the hardest to deal with. I feel like I just have to call it and say they can't go in these circs. He says 'the children will see that you are being unreasonable'

AIBU to say that I cannot drive them there and then have them have to test in front of him, having done tests already that morning, and if he absolutely will not collect them (if necessary) then they just can't go?

He is not vulnerable for any particular reason. He has been unwell for some weeks and apparently antibiotics have not helped. So maybe he is being reasonable to say he can't risk getting covid, but in that case he just needs to say they can't come and not leave it uncertain like this?

OP posts:
Goodlard · 19/12/2023 08:54

@Mirabai of course it was...........

Anyway this thread isn't about you, so let's move on?

novhange · 19/12/2023 08:56

Goodlard · 19/12/2023 08:50

@novhange "sigh" it's the stupid dramatic comment of "my life is meaningless", yes have a view but stop being ridiculous, because as u said previously it makes your argument ineffective!

Nowhere did I say she couldn't have a view, just stop being for coercive by insinuating that people don't care about if she lives or dies, by having a different view.

If you tell someone their contribution is meaningless than you’re effectively saying their view doesn’t count.

Try having some empathy. I have just had Covid and it hit me very hard, I feel so sorry for people who are suffering from it long term.

Statements like ‘meaningless’, ‘stupid’ ‘dramatic’ are just goady and unhelpful.

Mirabai · 19/12/2023 08:57

Goodlard · 19/12/2023 08:54

@Mirabai of course it was...........

Anyway this thread isn't about you, so let's move on?

You might have figured it out if you haven’t steamed in… you seem determined to make this thread about me.

Mirabai · 19/12/2023 09:02

novhange · 19/12/2023 08:56

If you tell someone their contribution is meaningless than you’re effectively saying their view doesn’t count.

Try having some empathy. I have just had Covid and it hit me very hard, I feel so sorry for people who are suffering from it long term.

Statements like ‘meaningless’, ‘stupid’ ‘dramatic’ are just goady and unhelpful.

Show quote history

Thanks @novhange I’m sorry to hear that, I appreciate your comments.

We should also remember the people who didn’t make it.

ClaudiaWankleman · 19/12/2023 09:16

Mirabai · 19/12/2023 08:51

Yes because the only evidence we have of the damaging effects of the spike protein was my personal experience.

Show quote history

But that wasn't the point you were making. You were saying that Covid is much worse than all coughs, colds and chest infections and that's the reason it should be treated differently. In actual fact, it's not.

ClaudiaWankleman · 19/12/2023 09:17

novhange · 19/12/2023 08:56

If you tell someone their contribution is meaningless than you’re effectively saying their view doesn’t count.

Try having some empathy. I have just had Covid and it hit me very hard, I feel so sorry for people who are suffering from it long term.

Statements like ‘meaningless’, ‘stupid’ ‘dramatic’ are just goady and unhelpful.

Show quote history

Their point was meaningless though. It didn't contribute meaningfully. At an individual level, inevitably very important. To this conversation, not so much.

Mirabai · 19/12/2023 09:21

Good luck OP I hope whatever decision he comes to works out, but I fear it may not. What is the likelihood of him driving them back to you if they develop Covid? I would want to protect them from that.

Whatafustercluck · 19/12/2023 09:27

Wild horses wouldn't stop me seeing my children at/ around Christmas. Do you ever hear of mums relinquishing their parenting when they're ill? It's always shitty fathers.

There doesn't sound like there's any trust between you and your ex, op, which is a bad situation when you have children. Did the relationship end because he was controlling by any chance?

Your nd child needs certainty (I can empathise on that). Tell them they can see their father when he's feeling better. Save yourself the backwards and forwardsing and uncertainty and take control so you all know where you stand.

Mirabai · 19/12/2023 09:28

ClaudiaWankleman · 19/12/2023 09:16

But that wasn't the point you were making. You were saying that Covid is much worse than all coughs, colds and chest infections and that's the reason it should be treated differently. In actual fact, it's not.

Show quote history

That’s not what I said at all. My first comment, to which you made such a rude reply, was simply to say that I have an AI disease and Covid affected me more than any other virus I have had, I didn’t make a general comment about it at all.

Later on I explained the properties of the spike pathogen that make it more damaging than the average cold or flu virus.

Mirabai · 19/12/2023 09:31

Whatafustercluck · 19/12/2023 09:27

Wild horses wouldn't stop me seeing my children at/ around Christmas. Do you ever hear of mums relinquishing their parenting when they're ill? It's always shitty fathers.

There doesn't sound like there's any trust between you and your ex, op, which is a bad situation when you have children. Did the relationship end because he was controlling by any chance?

Your nd child needs certainty (I can empathise on that). Tell them they can see their father when he's feeling better. Save yourself the backwards and forwardsing and uncertainty and take control so you all know where you stand.

I have to agree. I really wouldn’t trust him not to drive down then change his mind or take them, panic at the first sniffle and drive them home again.

CouchCat · 19/12/2023 09:31

Hbh17 · 18/12/2023 11:44

To be honest, anyone who even tests in the first place is being unreasonable. It's 2023, not 2020 and it's completely unnecessary.

Nobody needs to explain why they test to you. I think it's more extraordinary you feel the need to post on almost every Covid thread like this with exactly the same jibe.

Mirabai · 19/12/2023 09:32

ClaudiaWankleman · 19/12/2023 09:17

Their point was meaningless though. It didn't contribute meaningfully. At an individual level, inevitably very important. To this conversation, not so much.

Show quote history

I’m not sure what you think you’ve contributed other than stupidity and aggression?

ClaudiaWankleman · 19/12/2023 09:45

Mirabai · 19/12/2023 09:28

That’s not what I said at all. My first comment, to which you made such a rude reply, was simply to say that I have an AI disease and Covid affected me more than any other virus I have had, I didn’t make a general comment about it at all.

Later on I explained the properties of the spike pathogen that make it more damaging than the average cold or flu virus.

Show quote history

The poster you responded to asked why not all sick people should be avoided, only the ones with Covid, and you used your experience as a reasoning why they shouldn't. Go back and read what you wrote.

Whatafustercluck · 19/12/2023 09:55

On the point of why people still test for Covid, I've currently got Covid and it's far worse than the previous times I've had it because I've had no boosters and therefore few antibodies are present. It's more like the flu, and flu is horrible. Nobody wants flu, and people are understandably particularly careful about not wanting to pass their germs onto others just before Christmas when families, including the sick and elderly, are due to get together. I've not tested, I don't need to because I've lost my sense of smell and I know what Covid feels like. But I'm definitely staying home till I feel better/ am no longer infectious. It's just common decency.

But as I said, if you're a parent of young children, a potential dose of Covid, or flu, or a cough or cold, shouldn't stop you from parenting your children in ordinary circumstances.

Mirabai · 19/12/2023 09:56

ClaudiaWankleman · 19/12/2023 09:45

The poster you responded to asked why not all sick people should be avoided, only the ones with Covid, and you used your experience as a reasoning why they shouldn't. Go back and read what you wrote.

Show quote history

If you read the whole exchange, the first poster said:

Foolish comment. I would cancel anyone with Covid planning to visit my immune compromised husband so would need to insist they tested if unwell.
No one objects.

To which the next poster responded:

Why does testing matter, surely you don't want people who are unwell being around your husband REGARDLESS of what they are unwell with??

I was upholding the first poster’s point giving my own experience - that it affected me more than other viruses.

It’s true that for people with immune issues Covid is more of a concern.

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/12/2023 09:59

FrangipaniBlue · Yesterday 13:48

Foolish comment. I would cancel anyone with Covid planning to visit my immune compromised husband so would need to insist they tested if unwell.
No one objects.

Why does testing matter, surely you don't want people who are unwell being around your husband REGARDLESS of what they are unwell with??

Say someone is unwell, they covid test and it's negative are you saying you'd be happy to still see them?”

Of course not. People who know us stay away anyway whatever the illness but testing is extremely useful because it tells us when family and friends are clear of the virus. They could be symptom free but still positive and able to pass it on. We ask for and usually receive without complaint a negative tests before we see them.

I wish flu tests were available too!

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/12/2023 10:01

Posted too soon:

MrsSkylerWhite · Today 09:59

FrangipaniBlue · Yesterday 13:48

Foolish comment. I would cancel anyone with Covid planning to visit my immune compromised husband so would need to insist they tested if unwell.
No one objects.

Why does testing matter, surely you don't want people who are unwell being around your husband REGARDLESS of what they are unwell with??
**
Say someone is unwell, they covid test and it's negative are you saying you'd be happy to still see them?”

Of course not. People who know us stay away anyway whatever the illness but testing is extremely useful because it tells us when family and friends are clear of the virus. They could be symptom free but still positive and able to pass it on. We ask for and usually receive without complaint a negative tests before we see them.

I wish flu tests were available too!

CouchCat · 19/12/2023 10:07

@WorriedMum231

The vaccines have done their job and the risk is the same as the flu or a bad cold. A bad cold can also be very bad for elderly and vulnerable but we don’t test for that.
Actually, no. The risk of Covid is higher as it's multi-systemic. Apart from being respiratory, it weakens immune systems and attacks the vascular system. It mutates far more frequently than flu. Colds and flu - and their side-effects - can have a significant impact on the elderly and vulnerable, but Covid in an already fragile individual is devastating. You obviously haven't experienced it.

There’s no need to test for Covid as there’s no need to test for Flu, as a society we just need to live with it now.
The people I mentioned above need to test so they can access anti-viral medicines that can shorten the illness, lessen the severity and perhaps keep them from dying.

I do understand that’s scary for some though but it’s just the facts.
It clearly isn't.

Original poster
StupidStunts · 19/12/2023 10:36

TooOldForThisNonsense · 19/12/2023 08:47

You were stupid to tell him you had Covid in the first place. You must have known with his track record he’d use it as an excuse.

Dd told him on the phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
StupidStunts · 19/12/2023 10:42

Yes - he was controlling and coercive.

OP posts:
SunRainStorm · 19/12/2023 10:46

StupidStunts · 19/12/2023 10:42

Yes - he was controlling and coercive.

Leopards and spots.

Don't let him get in your head and question whether you are reasonable next time.

Remember who he is and trust your own judgement.

pikkumyy77 · 19/12/2023 12:12

Goodlard · 19/12/2023 08:50

@novhange "sigh" it's the stupid dramatic comment of "my life is meaningless", yes have a view but stop being ridiculous, because as u said previously it makes your argument ineffective!

Nowhere did I say she couldn't have a view, just stop being for coercive by insinuating that people don't care about if she lives or dies, by having a different view.

For god’s sake take this passive aggressive stuff outside and play with the other like minded “covid’s no big deal” types elsewhere. It is a distraction from the Op’s thread, and insulting , goady, snd arrogant in its own way.

WorriedMum231 · 19/12/2023 14:39

CouchCat · 19/12/2023 10:07

@WorriedMum231

The vaccines have done their job and the risk is the same as the flu or a bad cold. A bad cold can also be very bad for elderly and vulnerable but we don’t test for that.
Actually, no. The risk of Covid is higher as it's multi-systemic. Apart from being respiratory, it weakens immune systems and attacks the vascular system. It mutates far more frequently than flu. Colds and flu - and their side-effects - can have a significant impact on the elderly and vulnerable, but Covid in an already fragile individual is devastating. You obviously haven't experienced it.

There’s no need to test for Covid as there’s no need to test for Flu, as a society we just need to live with it now.
The people I mentioned above need to test so they can access anti-viral medicines that can shorten the illness, lessen the severity and perhaps keep them from dying.

I do understand that’s scary for some though but it’s just the facts.
It clearly isn't.

But I, and the vast majority of the public, are not just going to take the word of a few people that have been or are being affected by it.

the vast majority of people will catch Covid with no problems these days. Personally, if I was showing symptoms and I was visiting a vulnerable person I would definitely test but not if I was showing symptoms and going about my business day to day - it just causes lots of anxiety and in this case really is not a huge deal to OPs kids Dads. He’s using Covid as an excuse not to see his kids, that’s what this post was originally about - and that’s abhorrent.

Goodlard · 19/12/2023 19:25

@pikkumyy77 and your post isn't? Go play on the Covid board, you'll find other like minded folk there!

Abbyant · 20/12/2023 20:34

You wants you to be the bad guy, he doesn’t want the kids but won’t say that straight up because the kids will think of him as the bad guy so he’s trying to be as unreasonably reasonable as he can so that when you say no they can’t go you are the bad guy not him and he can say to the kids your mums the one not letting you come