Covid - Xmas contact - who is bu?

[StupidStunts]

Ex has cancelled the last two weekend contacts (monthly - his choice) due to illness on his part. Both cancelled at the last possible minute with no warning despite him having been unwell for some time both times. Dc really struggled to cope with the disappointment both times. One dc suspected ASD, and has struggled really badly with the sudden change.

Dc due to go to ex on 22nd for a week. I have to drive them there as he lives far away. He collects in weekend contacts and I deliver on holiday contacts.

Yesterday I tested positive for covid and I'm not well at all - fever, cough, breathing issues, aches etc. I've had it twice before and not been affected like this. Dc2 told ex on phone about me having covid and he says they can't come then because he can't risk getting it. Now he's saying he didn't say that (he did - several times - phone was on speaker in next room and I heard him). Dc1 is terribly upset again.

Today ex denies saying this to dc2, says I will definitely be well enough to drive them on Friday, they can come as long as they have negative tests on Friday - but they must test in front of him or they can't come and he flat out refuses to collect them. He says I'm being unreasonable to say that I'll test them in the morning and if we drive 50miles to his place then theyre going (bearing in mind they'll have had negative tests that morning) and they're not testing again when they arrive while I wait. He says I'm being unreasonable to say he may need to collect them depending on how I am, and he just won't.

Dc2 find the uncertainty the hardest to deal with. I feel like I just have to call it and say they can't go in these circs. He says 'the children will see that you are being unreasonable'

AIBU to say that I cannot drive them there and then have them have to test in front of him, having done tests already that morning, and if he absolutely will not collect them (if necessary) then they just can't go?

He is not vulnerable for any particular reason. He has been unwell for some weeks and apparently antibiotics have not helped. So maybe he is being reasonable to say he can't risk getting covid, but in that case he just needs to say they can't come and not leave it uncertain like this?

This is about nothing more than control. He wants to control you in any way he still can and unfortunately your kids are caught in that. Personally I woud be considering not allowing him to have them, he is upsetting them by cancelling last minute and he's saying they can't come for XYZ reasons. Not having a Xmas list is just pathetic. Keep them home with you and enjoy Christmas as a family.

Sounds about right. It is very sad. In these circumstances I would be dying to see them if I were him and worried about them being left to their own devices a bit over Christmas potentially as you are obviously not going to be as well set up as you might have been etc. I would not care if I got covid. And I had a v nasty case of it, developed pleurisy etc. I would do it all again to see my children for Christmas, without question.

How sad for your dc that they have a father that thinks he can choose when to parent. My sisters ex is the same. She had go through the same thing the whole way through lockdown even when it was made clear that shared contact for dc was advised to continue as normal. You need a licence for a dog..... amazes me!

I hope you feel better soon and have a lovely Christmas OP!

Do you have evidence for this?

I think you'll be too unwell to deliver them.

He comes to you.

Or they are with you for Christmas.

Honestly? I would try and rearrange for when you're better.
The kids could be incubating covid and get ill whilst there anyway, regardless of if they test negative on the day.
But YANBU to say if he's having them he should collect them and do the tests at yours.
You obviously can't isolate from your kids in the meantime either but it is worth trying to reduce the chances of them catching it. It can be really unpleasant for kids and although it's rare it can sometimes cause longer term health issues for kids. Wearing a mask apart from when in your bedroom would be sensible, if it's not too cold crack the windows slightly too. A mouthwash containing CPC may help reduce your viral load, also an antiviral nasal spray such as boots dual defence may help you clear it faster too (can also be used ongoing as a preventative)
Really hope you feel better soon 💐

They are his children. He doesn't get to decide that he doesn't want them if they're sick. It's his equal responsibility to take care of them when they're sick and he has no right to say otherwise.

Posts like this boil my blood.

He is their father. He has a responsibility as their father to parent then, whether he or they are sick or not sick. He has a responsibility to know their likes and dislikes to be able to buy gifts.

He should also be unselfish enough to make his children welcome by having duplicates of things so they don’t have to schlep belongings backward and forward!

But here we are…. You did well. Set the boundaries, draw the line and leave it with him. I respect your wish to protect your children, you are doing the right thing, but they will work it out for themselves when they get old enough anyway and that’s what makes it really sad!

Kids desperately want to go. I've told ex each day that my temp was still up and it was increasingly unlikely that I'd be able to drive. Today I'm more unwell than ever so he's announced that they can't come because the chance of infection is too high.

He told ds on the phone last night that they could definitely go and he was all prepared. He told me on Monday that they could go as long as they had negative tests. Then told me this morning that he's said all along that they could only come if I am well.

It's all bullshit and basically he can't be arsed to come here to get them.

He never had any intentions of coming, I'd put money on it.
Sorry OP, he's a prick. He can't be bothered and he's disappointing his kids constantly. He thinks looking after his own children is doing you a favour. The only upside is that he's not your prick to live with anymore.
I wouldn't even respond to any more messages about the subject. I hope you feel better soon and can find something to cheer the kids up. Would they sit and watch a Christmas film?

It's really hard to even do this because you need to protect the kids but you need to give them the facts as kindly as possible. =( feel better op

Stop trying to make your ex a better person to your children.

Tell the children they are staying with you. That will end the uncertainty for them and I hope you feel better soon and have a lovely Christmas.

Be gentle and honest, and avoid emotional displays, but give the children the facts. They will learn the truth about their father sooner or later so rather save yourself years of trying to make him look better. Let the children know you’re committed to giving them a lovely Christmas and feel very lucky to have a bonus Christmas with them. Do NOT facilitate any telephone contact over the holidays. He made his choice. When your better and he gets in touch about contact tell him Christmas was the final nail in the coffin of you bending over backwards to make contact easier for him and you will never transport the children again. If he wants them he will have to collect them.
I’m wishing you a very speedy recovery and I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

It's really hard even when you leave a controlling relationship to stop dancing to your ex's tune. Can't you see he's still pulling your strings and moving the goalposts? That's why you should take control and stop allowing him to dictate what's going to happen. You can't 'promise' a nd child something as important as that if there's even the smallest chance it won't happen. You will always pick up the pieces.

Start doing some festive things with the kids when you're feeling up to it. Tell your ex the kids will call on Christmas Day and after that, leave the ball in his court. I hope you feel better soon op and enjoy a lovely Christmas.

This is such a good post. I second it!

Stop trying to soften the blow for your kids. A little sadness that dad disappoints them is like dry, clean air on a cut. It helps the scab form and the wound heal. Better to let them learn not to trust him on small things because it inoculates them against disappointment when he fucks them over on big things.

Stop letting him make promises at all. Make your own plans and tell him he can have the children only when he gives you a week’s notice and does all the work. When he starts to put conditions on it just say “I see you aren’t interested in seeing the children. This conversation is over.” When he badmouths you to the children just say “daddy couldn’t make his own arrangements but we have lots planned. Maybe next time daddy will come through.”

If he wants to see the children he will move heaven and earth to do it. If not, not.

I agree with all of the previous posts. Have had a similar situation and I tried just keeping the truth from the children when in reality, the best option was to tell them that Daddy didn’t sort things out. I started ending any phone calls when he was gaslighting etc. it’s difficult, I know. But none of you should have to put up with that. If he can’t be bothered, he doesn’t deserve them. He might say it’s your fault but it isn’t. He is letting them down, not you.

Hope you're starting to feel better OP. It's awful to see your children disappointed but you have to be clear with yourself that this is not on you.

I agree with the poster way upthread who said he has a binary choice- he has them or he doesn't have them. He collects. The thing is he did make his choice but tried to dress it up as something else.

You clearly saw it was bullshit. Next time he tries to impose ANY conditions then you know it's a no.

I hope you are feeling better op. Tbh if you are as poorly as we were either covid ex should be taking the kids to give you a bloody break never mind that they are his children and it's bloody Christmas.
What a nasty bastard.

Dh or I do a 2.5 hour trip two mornings a week and a 1.5 hour trip 3 times a week for DSS's (their mum decided she was moving in with her boyfriend and hour and a bit away). It's a fucking nightmare and we are exhausted and skint because of it. But we do it because they are our kids and we love them and want to be involved in their lives. I can't get my head around a dad not being arsed to drive to get his children at Christmas, Covid or not.

Flu tests are available, Tesco have them.. around £12 though.

This is simply controlling behaviour.
He manipulates the situation and plays victim and the underlying suggestions of mistrust are crazy.
if your D.C. is unable to cope with the uncertainty of situations then you should just protect her by saying you cannot drive them and if he wants to spend time with them he must act in a responsible fashion and collect them.
please stop
allowing this manipulation - he is your ex for a reason.

im inclined to think if he was as sick as he sounds anti biotics would’ve been given at the hospital over IV and he’d be being investigated medically further.