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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Covid - Xmas contact - who is bu?

170 replies

StupidStunts · 18/12/2023 11:22

Ex has cancelled the last two weekend contacts (monthly - his choice) due to illness on his part. Both cancelled at the last possible minute with no warning despite him having been unwell for some time both times. Dc really struggled to cope with the disappointment both times. One dc suspected ASD, and has struggled really badly with the sudden change.

Dc due to go to ex on 22nd for a week. I have to drive them there as he lives far away. He collects in weekend contacts and I deliver on holiday contacts.

Yesterday I tested positive for covid and I'm not well at all - fever, cough, breathing issues, aches etc. I've had it twice before and not been affected like this. Dc2 told ex on phone about me having covid and he says they can't come then because he can't risk getting it. Now he's saying he didn't say that (he did - several times - phone was on speaker in next room and I heard him). Dc1 is terribly upset again.

Today ex denies saying this to dc2, says I will definitely be well enough to drive them on Friday, they can come as long as they have negative tests on Friday - but they must test in front of him or they can't come and he flat out refuses to collect them. He says I'm being unreasonable to say that I'll test them in the morning and if we drive 50miles to his place then theyre going (bearing in mind they'll have had negative tests that morning) and they're not testing again when they arrive while I wait. He says I'm being unreasonable to say he may need to collect them depending on how I am, and he just won't.

Dc2 find the uncertainty the hardest to deal with. I feel like I just have to call it and say they can't go in these circs. He says 'the children will see that you are being unreasonable'

AIBU to say that I cannot drive them there and then have them have to test in front of him, having done tests already that morning, and if he absolutely will not collect them (if necessary) then they just can't go?

He is not vulnerable for any particular reason. He has been unwell for some weeks and apparently antibiotics have not helped. So maybe he is being reasonable to say he can't risk getting covid, but in that case he just needs to say they can't come and not leave it uncertain like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
StupidStunts · 18/12/2023 12:47

Ohtobetwentytwo · 18/12/2023 12:41

I dont even know why you're entertaining this bollocks from him. I'd be saying fine, don't have them and if you cancel your next scheduled contact then you need to seek and pay for mediation because I'm not having my kids ficked around like that and breaking their hearts every few weeks.

Whether they rest positive or not is a red herring. If they were sick in his watch he desnt get to return them to you like faulty goods. Kids get sick. They spread germs. Thems the breaks. Fuck your ex.

I'd love to say this, but I don't know if that would be shitty of me. He has been unwell for weeks, and he has previously had long covid. I don't know if he's being reasonable in not wanting to get it again. But then I think the thing is that if he has them - yes, they might develop it while they're there and he might catch it regardless of negative tests on Friday, and then he'll say that's my fault.
He's actually been messaging me today telling me I'm totally irresponsible if I don't isolate from the children and wear a mask when I have to be in the room with them. They can't cook their own dinner and would find that completely traumatising, me saying I can't be with them in our house. It's just me and them.

My parents actually are vulnerable due to age, but they've been vaccinated and they are happy to take the kids to school for me and they had them yesterday so I could rest. He says that is me being irresponsible as well - like I forced them. He really is a massive twat.

OP posts:
ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 18/12/2023 12:53

Your ex needs to drive over and collect the children . He can test them before they leave. I don't think you should be driving if you are unwell .

MistletoeandJd · 18/12/2023 12:56

How old are the kids ?

He sounds pretty useless to be getting you to organise christmas stuff at his house =/

Ohtobetwentytwo · 18/12/2023 12:56

@StupidStunts it sounds like he is trying to even control you in your own home. I cant speak for you but I wpuldnt even be entertaining these conversations and i dont care what he would think.

He gets choice A) have them or choice B) dont. But I would be making it clear I would not be jumping through his hoops.

He gets a binary choice and has no say in what goes on in your house. You wont be testing them. Sorry you are going through this but I think drawing clear boundaries now will settle things down faster in the long run, even if that just expedites his decision to opt out of his kids lives.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 18/12/2023 12:56

@RatatouillePie I think they said that about people being contagious before symptoms ages ago - that was the original point of the LFTs. I think the problem is more that now the LFTs aren't showing positive until people are a few days into the illness . No idea why that would be though.

MistletoeandJd · 18/12/2023 12:57

Some people are also just carriers aren't they ? Like they won't test positive but can pass it on ? Does he go to the shop ? Work ? Out at all ?

boomtickhouse · 18/12/2023 12:59

Can you see this as great news as you get to keep the kids for Xmas?

Surely that's better than losing them for a week? Can they go for next year instead when everyone is better?

Original poster
StupidStunts · 18/12/2023 13:01

For sure he's trying to control me - but don't worry, I've told him in no uncertain terms that I won't be masking or isolating inside our home.

It is all pointless isn't it? If he has them he might get it. So he just needs to decide. He won't though, because he wants me to decide so that he can tell the dc that I wouldn't let him have them and then it's my fault. I have no idea how to manage this without exposing the dc to his shit?

OP posts:
Original poster
StupidStunts · 18/12/2023 13:04

boomtickhouse · 18/12/2023 12:59

Can you see this as great news as you get to keep the kids for Xmas?

Surely that's better than losing them for a week? Can they go for next year instead when everyone is better?

Sure - but they want to go and he won't just say yes or no. That was how all the crap today started because I asked him to say if he'd have them or not because dc1 needed to know.

OP posts:
Towerofsong · 18/12/2023 13:05

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 18/12/2023 12:56

@RatatouillePie I think they said that about people being contagious before symptoms ages ago - that was the original point of the LFTs. I think the problem is more that now the LFTs aren't showing positive until people are a few days into the illness . No idea why that would be though.

It's because Lateral flow tests test for antigens to the virus, we have to be sick for a few days before our bodies start to produce antigens

MistletoeandJd · 18/12/2023 13:07

It is in the best interest of the children to meet a middle ground.

What kind of ill is he ? Is he safe to drive

He picks them up and tests on arrival to yours . It would be very irresponsible to travel long distance in car with a sick mum - exposure/not fit to actually drive.

Would be unfair on dc to travel to be turned away.

Towerofsong · 18/12/2023 13:09

He sounds awful. He has not had to drive for the last two visits so he has saved money there, but now that you are ill he expects you to drive? I think he should collect and test when he collects them but it's pointless anyway because they'd have to be ill for a few days before they would test positive anyway.
In your shoes I'd be tempted to say the visit is off and tell the kids that Dad is worried about getting ill again so the visit is postponed.

That doesn't help their disappointment or give you a break, but it's better than them being expected to double test or him to cancel last minute again.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 18/12/2023 13:12

StupidStunts · 18/12/2023 11:31

Yes - to me it would be totally irresponsible to drive if I'm not well enough. I might be but I can't guarantee it.

I think he genuinely thinks I'll fake negative tests so that they go, I suppose I could video and then leave the camera watching the tests develop. Madness. I'll offer that.

He thinks you'd fake a negative test to ensure you don't see your kids over Christmas? As I read through your OP I assumed his issue was going to be that he thought you were faking the illness in order to keep the children for Christmas!

Original poster
StupidStunts · 18/12/2023 13:15

No - he thinks I'd fake a negative in order to not be with them. He is a strange person.

OP posts:
Utini · 18/12/2023 13:15

Towerofsong · 18/12/2023 13:05

It's because Lateral flow tests test for antigens to the virus, we have to be sick for a few days before our bodies start to produce antigens

Show quote history

No, an antigen is the part of the virus that the immune system responds to. It then produces antibodies against that antigen.

I think it can just take a while for the virus to replicate enough to be picked up by the tests.

piscofrisco · 18/12/2023 13:16

They can do the tests via FaceTime with him watching seems to be the solution. Offensive that he's asked but you already know he is an utter dick I assume so I wouldn't give it a minutes more thought.

Honeyroar · 18/12/2023 13:17

Just call him out. Tell him you’re not feeling well enough to drive. He needs to drive over and collect them, then he can see the test happening before his eyes. If he won’t make plans to help out facilitating seeing his own kids you’ll have to presume he doesn’t want to see them (again) and make more solid plans for them.
And next time he asks for a present list with links say no. He needs to chat to his children and find out what they want, then go find it himself, like any other parent.
Stop letting him do this. Say you need to go back to court/mediation in the new year, as this clearly isn’t doing the children any good.

piscofrisco · 18/12/2023 13:18

Does he realise that loads of people have Covid currently and don't even know because hardly anyone is testing anymore? Ditto normal flu? How is he going about his every day life? He could catch it from anyone.

Original poster
StupidStunts · 18/12/2023 13:22

Who knows? He has much form for living in some kind of odd fantasy world

OP posts:
piscofrisco · 18/12/2023 13:24

Just saw that he refused video tests. That's ludicrous and speaks to the fact that he actually doesn't want them to come but he wants you to tell them. Fuck that. Get them to FaceTime him and say to him themselves they want to test whilst they are on with him. It's up to him to explain what happens next then. And if he doesn't Handle it well, then yes that's unfortunate and you'll need to comfort them. But better that than being scapegoated like that. They will remember who loved and comforted them. And who acted like a dick.

SeaToSki · 18/12/2023 13:34

I think it is time to be frank with the dc but not be overly critical of the ex..a fine line to walk!

Im not sure what Dad wants about you visiting, and I dont think he knows what he wants either. Since he cant make up his mind, I think its best you stay here so that we can plan and have a nice time over Christmas rather than live with the uncertainty.

You cant hide from your dc that their Dad is a self absorbed flake forever, and its not your job to do that. You do get to model for them healthy ways of setting boundaries with their Dad that are kind but protect their own MH. So as they grow up and manage their own adult relationships with him, they have more of an idea of what that should look like from seeing you manage yours with him.

Sdpbody · 18/12/2023 13:38

I would be driving them over regardless of his thoughts. If they have Covid, so be it! If he was a normal parent, he would have to just deal with it. It frustrates me so much that men are able to be total twats.

amylou8 · 18/12/2023 13:39

I know you're trying to do right by your kids, but you need to stop entertaining his BS.

Kids will be available for collection time/date/place. If you'd like to test them please bring the kits with you. Please confirm you'll be coming by time/date. If I don't hear from you we'll make other plans.

Hope you feel better soon x

Silvers11 · 18/12/2023 13:43

Yesterday I tested positive for covid and I'm not well at all - fever, cough, breathing issues, aches etc.

@StupidStunts - for what it is worth, if you only tested positive yesterday, you are likely to still have it when the kids are due to go to their Dad's. So even if they test negative, your-ex can't be sure that there aren't covid 'bugs' going with them. You are clearly not well and probably won't be able to drive.

Seems to me that if he is refusing to come and pick them up you can quite reasonably tell your DC that as you aren't well and won't be fit enough to drive them a long distance on 22nd their Dad will need to pick them up, but he says he won't be able to, so you are making the decision now to postpone their trip to see him? Not bad mouthing him, but telling it as it is?

pikkumyy77 · 18/12/2023 13:47

Stop trying to make this work for him, excuse him, or fix it for your kids. You can’t! He will always default and try to fuck up. And your kids will sooner or later in each interaction get hurt. His whole thing is to firce you to be the bad guy, or force you to take care of him. Neither of those are jobs you should avcept.

  1. Stop driving the kids to him. If its his time to see them he makes it happen.

  2. Stop offering to test them in any way at all. If he wants to test them he can drive to you and do it and disappoint them himself.

  3. Be a barrier not an intermediary. Since he can’t be honest with the kids just don’t engage with his excuses. If the kids ask why daddy did or didn’t something just say honestly, “I don’t know.”

  4. Respond to all his requests and demands with a polite “no, thats not my job” If he criticizes your parenting just say “What happens in my home is not your business.”

Just focus on the facts of his behavior not interpretations of it. And that goes for your own behavior. Just work to rule. Do the bare minimum with respect to him and ignore any interpretations or accusations.