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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Covid - Xmas contact - who is bu?

170 replies

StupidStunts · 18/12/2023 11:22

Ex has cancelled the last two weekend contacts (monthly - his choice) due to illness on his part. Both cancelled at the last possible minute with no warning despite him having been unwell for some time both times. Dc really struggled to cope with the disappointment both times. One dc suspected ASD, and has struggled really badly with the sudden change.

Dc due to go to ex on 22nd for a week. I have to drive them there as he lives far away. He collects in weekend contacts and I deliver on holiday contacts.

Yesterday I tested positive for covid and I'm not well at all - fever, cough, breathing issues, aches etc. I've had it twice before and not been affected like this. Dc2 told ex on phone about me having covid and he says they can't come then because he can't risk getting it. Now he's saying he didn't say that (he did - several times - phone was on speaker in next room and I heard him). Dc1 is terribly upset again.

Today ex denies saying this to dc2, says I will definitely be well enough to drive them on Friday, they can come as long as they have negative tests on Friday - but they must test in front of him or they can't come and he flat out refuses to collect them. He says I'm being unreasonable to say that I'll test them in the morning and if we drive 50miles to his place then theyre going (bearing in mind they'll have had negative tests that morning) and they're not testing again when they arrive while I wait. He says I'm being unreasonable to say he may need to collect them depending on how I am, and he just won't.

Dc2 find the uncertainty the hardest to deal with. I feel like I just have to call it and say they can't go in these circs. He says 'the children will see that you are being unreasonable'

AIBU to say that I cannot drive them there and then have them have to test in front of him, having done tests already that morning, and if he absolutely will not collect them (if necessary) then they just can't go?

He is not vulnerable for any particular reason. He has been unwell for some weeks and apparently antibiotics have not helped. So maybe he is being reasonable to say he can't risk getting covid, but in that case he just needs to say they can't come and not leave it uncertain like this?

OP posts:
Sweetnessandbite · 18/12/2023 23:30

Op, he is being a prize twat. If he is genuinely worried about getting covid, why does he want you to drive them in an enclosed car, increasing their exposure.

I personally don't think you should drive them to him ever. You drive them around all the time they are with you. That's enough.

I also don't think you should entertain days of insults in order to facilitate contact. Especially when you are ill.

You are doing enough by not bad mouthing him and having them available for contact.

Maybe set up a joint dairy where the contact is scheduled in and he can simply accept or decline. With him collecting them.

brentwoods · 19/12/2023 01:00

Testing is unreasonable in this case because he is a parent and parents don't get to choose to parent only healthy kids. 🙄

You would not be unreasonable to cancel the visit entirely.

SunRainStorm · 19/12/2023 01:24

Was he controlling when you were together?

Bbq1 · 19/12/2023 01:37

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/12/2023 12:04

Hbh17 · Today 11:44
**
To be honest, anyone who even tests in the first place is being unreasonable. It's 2023, not 2020 and it's completely unnecessary.”

Foolish comment. I would cancel anyone with Covid planning to visit my immune compromised husband so would need to insist they tested if unwell.
No one objects.

I agree. I am currently seriously at risk from contracting covid /flu, heavy cold. Everybody understands that and would test or stay away if unwell. Just because it's 2023 and you don't actually know the vulnerable people that you are putting at risk doesn't make it okay.

Willyoujustbequiet · 19/12/2023 02:01

Hbh17 · 18/12/2023 11:44

To be honest, anyone who even tests in the first place is being unreasonable. It's 2023, not 2020 and it's completely unnecessary.

Absolutely ridiculous.

Some people are still getting incredibly ill from covid. It's only right there is a measure of caution round vulnerable or elderly people.

Buy you carry on being selfish.

Mirabai · 19/12/2023 03:54

Outofmydepthnow · 18/12/2023 22:03

I am beyond livid with the people who think that Covid is done ..

I lost BOTH parents within EIGHT DAYS this year .. they were previously fit healthy rule followers .. vaccinated and boosted .. pm me if you think it's made up .. I will send you copies of their death certificates...

Just because it's no longer expedient for the government to say so .. Covid is a killer..

I’m so sorry to hear it. The stupidity of some posters is mind-bending.

Mirabai · 19/12/2023 04:09

ClaudiaWankleman · 18/12/2023 21:32

You represented your individual experience (note: anecdote) as evidence that Covid was somehow more powerful than coughs, colds, chest infections etc. Yes, that’s meaningless. No, I don’t care about your mumsnet cliche ‘are you always so rude?’

Show quote history

You’ve confused anecdote with anecdotal evidence. But it’s not just my personal experience - it’s global. We didn’t just go through a pandemic with 2 lockdowns for a virus that’s the same as cold or flu. If you don’t understand how and why the Covid pathogen is more destructive than the flu virus with vascular (increased risk of clotting, heart attack, stroke) and neurological effects and the risk of pulmonary fibrosis and ARDS - then do some homework.

Mirabai · 19/12/2023 04:14

Coffeeandcatsforlife · 18/12/2023 22:24

Oh OP, I feel for you. I too had an unreasonable ex who kept threatening to take me to court unless I followed his rules, I was unreasonable for not letting him drive them when he was drunk etc. I told him to take me to court, I knew I was doing what was absolutely the right thing for my children. Court and cafcass were wonderful with me. I explained I want them to see their dad-they love him but I don’t want them in danger (in denial alcoholic etc) and said all this all over
the place contact was badly effecting my children, especially my autistic one. I vent over backwards so my children could see their dad safely…going to ex families homes (horrible for me), local children centre and then a contact centre in the next town. He died 2 years ago from the drinking. I tried so much to get him to sort himself out for our children but to no avail…i despised him in the end, but I know that everything I ever did was for the best for my children.

Please do not allow him to bully you. All you need to do is ask yourself “are
my actions solely for the good of my children?” If the answer is yes then you are
doing your job. Your children may want to see their dad…but not at the expense of him emotionally abusing their mum. If he genuinely wants to see his children he will bend over backwards for that to happen. Sending him links for Xmas gifts is not part of your job. He’s a grown ass adult who needs to parent his children properly. He sounds pathetic. If your children are upset then that is absolutely on your ex and not you. Please please stop allowing him to bully you, you sounds like a bloody fantastic mum.

This is really good advice.

LizHoney · 19/12/2023 04:58

What a massive dick. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this OP, look after yourself.

CunkEverywhereOnEverything · 19/12/2023 05:37

He’s so unreasonable I’m almost embarrassed for him. I’d tell him that either the children are collected from you by him and they test as soon as he gets to yours or they don’t go at all. And then stop engaging with him and stop your children from talking to him about it.

Hope you’re all better for Christmas and the kids don’t catch from you.

Original poster
StupidStunts · 19/12/2023 06:55

@Outofmydepthnow I'm so sorry, that must have been unimaginably hard

OP posts:
Goodlard · 19/12/2023 07:04

@Mirabai anecdote or anecdotal, no one is saying your life is meaning less. You are choosing to extrapolate that from comments. Just stop and have a discussion, where you don't make wild accusations.

novhange · 19/12/2023 08:11

Hbh17 · 18/12/2023 11:44

To be honest, anyone who even tests in the first place is being unreasonable. It's 2023, not 2020 and it's completely unnecessary.

This is so ignorant. I’ve just had Covid, I tested myself so that I could let my employers know.

When I went back to work yesterday, I reassured everyone I had tested negative yesterday morning.

No one wants Covid, and especially at this of year.

ClaudiaWankleman · 19/12/2023 08:12

Mirabai · 19/12/2023 04:09

You’ve confused anecdote with anecdotal evidence. But it’s not just my personal experience - it’s global. We didn’t just go through a pandemic with 2 lockdowns for a virus that’s the same as cold or flu. If you don’t understand how and why the Covid pathogen is more destructive than the flu virus with vascular (increased risk of clotting, heart attack, stroke) and neurological effects and the risk of pulmonary fibrosis and ARDS - then do some homework.

Show quote history

I’ve not confused anything - you provided an anecdote, and used it to suggest wider conclusions. You’re very confused.

novhange · 19/12/2023 08:15

OP, I would tell them he either confirms today that he is coming to collect the dc on the 22nd following negative tests, or the kids stay with you.

Don’t let him dictate to you.

BibbleandSqwauk · 19/12/2023 08:17

I think posters saying the dad must do X or the op should tell him y are slightly missing what seems to be the fundamental point that he can't be arsed with them or parenting in general. Good parents will put themselves out, go to great lengths or expense to see their kids, no matter how difficult it may be. Crap ones use any excuse, especially an "awkward" ex (not saying you are OP) so they can blame it on someone else. Been there, am there, doing that right now. No real advice op other than be strong for your kids and know that you are their rock and they one day will see it. Mine are early teens now and showing signs of not seeing their dad because he repeatedly demonstrates they are not his priority.

novhange · 19/12/2023 08:20

ClaudiaWankleman · 19/12/2023 08:12

I’ve not confused anything - you provided an anecdote, and used it to suggest wider conclusions. You’re very confused.

Show quote history

I think you’re being needlessly goady, @ClaudiaWankleman . @Mirabai shared that she is affected by long covid and you told her her experience is a meaningless anecdote. Which is a bizarre thing to say as Long Covid is a reality for millions and is still being studied by scientists.

Why dismiss her experience like that?

Goodlard · 19/12/2023 08:39

@novhange, @Mirabai is the one being goady with the "you think my life is meaningless", that's a ridiculously dramatic and uncalled for comment.

novhange · 19/12/2023 08:43

Goodlard · 19/12/2023 08:39

@novhange, @Mirabai is the one being goady with the "you think my life is meaningless", that's a ridiculously dramatic and uncalled for comment.

@Mirabai said that after @ClaudiaWankleman told her her experience of long covid was a meaningless anecdote, which is quite a nasty thing to say.

Why would someone feel the need to say that? It’s totally unnecessary and cruel.

Millions of people are affected by Long Covid, to describe their experiences as meaningless is just nasty.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/nov/07/boris-johnson-may-not-believe-in-it-but-long-covid-is-real-and-underfunded

Goodlard · 19/12/2023 08:44

@novhange people are allowed different views on Covid/long Covid, you do realise that?

TooOldForThisNonsense · 19/12/2023 08:47

You were stupid to tell him you had Covid in the first place. You must have known with his track record he’d use it as an excuse.

novhange · 19/12/2023 08:47

Goodlard · 19/12/2023 08:44

@novhange people are allowed different views on Covid/long Covid, you do realise that?

So is it just @Mirabai who isn’t allowed a view then?

Goodlard · 19/12/2023 08:50

@novhange "sigh" it's the stupid dramatic comment of "my life is meaningless", yes have a view but stop being ridiculous, because as u said previously it makes your argument ineffective!

Nowhere did I say she couldn't have a view, just stop being for coercive by insinuating that people don't care about if she lives or dies, by having a different view.

Mirabai · 19/12/2023 08:51

ClaudiaWankleman · 19/12/2023 08:12

I’ve not confused anything - you provided an anecdote, and used it to suggest wider conclusions. You’re very confused.

Show quote history

Yes because the only evidence we have of the damaging effects of the spike protein was my personal experience.

Mirabai · 19/12/2023 08:53

Goodlard · 19/12/2023 08:39

@novhange, @Mirabai is the one being goady with the "you think my life is meaningless", that's a ridiculously dramatic and uncalled for comment.

It was in fact a tongue in cheek response to an aggressive comment. You seem to have misread it completely.