Spending Christmas with people you really don't want to ...

[ChristmasHarmony]

DP and I live separately although we've been together for 15 years. We tried living together and it wasn't great so we agreed we'd all be happier living apart. It works very well.

DP has adult children who he sees regularly. One of the main reasons we don't live together was due to difficulties with the children/ex when they were smaller. Long story, loads of examples of awful bullying behaviours and incredibly unkind treatment. As a result we're all happier but I don't see the adult children at all.

Due to many reasons, Covid, elderly relatives, unwell relatives, we haven't had many Christmasses together over the last 3 or 4. This year DP is spending Christmas at mine - I was really looking forward to it. He's just told he's invited his children to come over and spend the day with us. Not unreasonable? So why does it feel like a massive damper has been put over my Christmas - I'd rather be alone TBH than spend it with two young adults and their partners who have been so horribly hurtful in the past.

I know I'm going to get firebombed. I'm not a step parent through choice. I was not involved in any way in the break up of the marriage. I fully support him needing to be a parent - I just don't want to see them on this special day. I doubt they want to see me very much either.

No-one invites people to my house without asking me first and if it doesn't suit then I say no. What a prick to do this to you. Tell him he can take you all out for lunch and then bin the parasite on Boxing Day.

@ChristmasHarmony In that case you need to make sure that the food spend is split so that he pays 5/6th of the total as there are five on his side including him. I would also not make too much effort.

I would also hide anything valuable and/or breakable - don't just put it in your bedroom, consider putting it in the loft. Don't serve drinks that can leave stains - no red wine etc. Basically minimise the risk of any damages and make it difficult for these hateful people to cause problems.

Gird your loins, grit your teeth and then dump him after Christmas.

As you’ve decided to host OP, please at least try to look after yourself in the run up and during the day. Get DP to buy the food and drink (as his guests will be eating/ drinking most of it). Get him to do the cooking/ clearing up (or as much of it as you can if he’s a non-cook) and buy as much pre-made food as you can (that way it will save some of the heartache if it does go tits up after you’ve spent hours cooking/ cleaning for them all). Also get the kids/ partners to bring drinks/ dessert/ even the starter - it’s rude to turn up for a Xmas meal without contributing. Hope it goes okay! X

Honestly, your last update made me want to shake you. It's as though you have no agency.

You don't have to put up with rows. You don't have to people-please. You can just say to him "No, if you want to see your children it will have to be in your own home. You're welcome to do that. They've been absolutely horrible to me and I don't want them in my house." If he kicks off, then say "OK then, I don't want you in my house, either."

It really is that easy. You are accepting you are a complete mug and you'll consider things after Christmas, all the while knowing that Christmas is going to be absolutely miserable because of him and his kids.

Good luck OP. In your shoes while being affable and cooking the meal, I would make sure I had neighbours or friends I could escape to see for a break. Do you have a dog? I'd be taking that for a long walk, too. Or can you ask anyone in on your side for Christmas as well?

The problem with living separately in your case seems to be that's nothing has been talked through (he supports his kids against you) or satisfactorily resolved (for you) - leaving it all to rear its ugly head as it has done now.

Or maybe send all these people a message along the lines of :

I understand DP invited you to my place for Christmas Day, I hadnt realised and arranged for a meal for two. It would be great if you would all bring along a starter or dessert and drinks of your choice. I ll be ready for guests at 3, and will be leaving again at 6 pm to visit with neighbours. It ll be great to see everyone for a catch up, happy Christmas to you all.

Well, OP, you're a bit of a martyr aren't you.

You know being unkind isn’t helpful or clever, it’s just, unkind!

I’m not a martyr I have my reasons which I’ve given.

The reason you have given, OP, is that you are scared of having a row with your P, who disrespects you and is using you. Nobody understands why you are going along with this abusive relationship. Why have the awful experience and people please, when you can just say no now? I'm willing to bet you have an awful time, and by this time next year, you will not have changed a single thing about your dynamic with these people.

Ok thanks for your opinions. Respectfully I know more about my situation and it’s my choice to do what is best for me.

Do you have anything nice planned for yourself in the days after Christmas? A bit of self care afterwards might help if it Christmas day itself is a difficult one.

People pleasers don't know what is best for them. That's the whole point of the monicker. Anyway, I hope it works out.

You’re entitled to feel the way you do and without knowing the finer details our observations are limited.

Everything that went on, seems like a long time ago. Maybe they were in the wrong and maybe they did treat you bad but have you considered that things may have changed now that they’re older?

Could you imagine if people held grudges against you for mistakes you made when you were younger? Like 16?

It’s Christmas, let them come round, maybe with a timeframe and you never know, letting these adults in your life, may enhance yours and your partners life. It could be the start of something new. Life is far too short to hold grudges.

You can do it! Put your big girl buckets on and enjoy the day whatever happens.

Like you said, unlikely but I’m hoping you have a lovely Christmas. 🤞🏻

You're being unkind to yourself.

Do you enjoy the attention you're getting and actually have no intention of doing anything to solve the situation?

Good luck! Hope you manage to have a good day x

Just tell him calmly that it is either just the two of you at your place at xmas or you all go out for dinner or you spend it alone. I would rather be alone than have people who were very unkind to me over the years and would not be cooking for them all.
Really put yourself first and why can none of them do the dinner at their place, because they do not want to put in the work.
Do what your gut is telling you to do and have a relaxing christmas and if it is alone then get in lots of nice food and have a lovely day and chill out, that sounds so much better than running and racing around for a bunch of people who treated you meanly. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself. Tell him you are not having them all over.

Yanbu at all. I'd be so livid if someone invited anyone round my house without asking me first. How disrespectful. Let alone it being for Christmas day when I'm expected to cook for them!
I'd honestly be questioning the entire relationship. This is something he old have actually discussed with you before hand if he had any respect for you

I would love to tell them all to sod off and get an M&S meal for one

Then do it.

but as a lifelong people pleaser and row avoider

You CAN change. You really can. You have seen how people pleasing does not bring you happiness.

I will do this once and once only.

For what purpose? Sounds like people-pleasing to me.

I guess I’m a bit numb to it after the awful times we had when we lived together.

That's what happens when you keep being a doormat. You HAVE to become numb to survive.

You may have a form of Stockholm syndrome.

I hate to pile more pressure on you, as you are clearly undergoing a lot of stress right now.

But oh how I wish you would make THIS the time you turn your life around. It's the perfect time. Your partner is behaving terribly. Your Christmas is ruined already (look how you're dreading it).

Please look deep inside and make sure you aren't just kicking the can down the road, that you're not just putting it off so you don't have to face a row. Because if that's what you are doing, you will have another reason to put it off in the New Year.

It's been 15 long years already you've spent your life like this.

5 Signs of Stockholm Syndrome in a Relationships & Treatments (marriage.com)

I am allowing the situation for two reasons, firstly, it means a lot to DP to have his children on Christmas Day and secondly the avoidance of a row.

You haven't factored yourself into your decision at all.

Both of your reasons are about pleasing your partner!

If it meant a lot to him to see his children on Christmas Day, he'd have made proper arrangements long before now. What if you HAD refused?

See how sure of himself and his hold over you he must be, to do what he did!

He just depended on your compliance in hosting and subsidising them all.

Cancel. Some grown stepchildren are awful. Some grown children are awful. Why should you spend your day with them just because he’s related to them. It’s your day too. Do not be bullied into this OP.

Good luck for Christmas Day OP.
I do hope that you manage to enjoy yourself & it all goes well.

As you said, get through the day and then have a think about everything.

If you know to expect bad behaviour then you know how to deal with it. Grey rock. Play bad behaviour full house bingo. Resolve to smile and be friendly whatever they say and have some treats just for you to help you through. We all have to socialise with people we don't get on with from time to time - there is a knack to it. Be smiley, gracious and lovely, don't react and let them realise in their own time that it's their behaviour that is the issue. In lots of blended families the first set of kids want to "punish" the unwelcome intruder into their family set up. You have to soften them up over time. You don't like thEm but I presume you love your DP and surely you can understand him wanting his loved ones around for one day???

I find it hard to believe that you were this perfect person and these horrible teenagers made your life such a misery tbh.