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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Spending Christmas with people you really don't want to ...

274 replies

ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 08:55

DP and I live separately although we've been together for 15 years. We tried living together and it wasn't great so we agreed we'd all be happier living apart. It works very well.

DP has adult children who he sees regularly. One of the main reasons we don't live together was due to difficulties with the children/ex when they were smaller. Long story, loads of examples of awful bullying behaviours and incredibly unkind treatment. As a result we're all happier but I don't see the adult children at all.

Due to many reasons, Covid, elderly relatives, unwell relatives, we haven't had many Christmasses together over the last 3 or 4. This year DP is spending Christmas at mine - I was really looking forward to it. He's just told he's invited his children to come over and spend the day with us. Not unreasonable? So why does it feel like a massive damper has been put over my Christmas - I'd rather be alone TBH than spend it with two young adults and their partners who have been so horribly hurtful in the past.

I know I'm going to get firebombed. I'm not a step parent through choice. I was not involved in any way in the break up of the marriage. I fully support him needing to be a parent - I just don't want to see them on this special day. I doubt they want to see me very much either.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 19/12/2023 06:59

It's rude but it's the level of rude you might tolerate if the extra guests are nice, normal people. It's a much worse thing to do when you know full well that there's bad blood between them and the host.

FlamingoQueen · 19/12/2023 08:25

Can he book lunch out with his dc? (Appreciate it would be quite last minute). Then he can come over later on in the day. Your Christmas is going to be awfully fake if you have to pretend to be enjoying the day. Why do the dc even want to come over when they don’t like you?

Capachoochoo · 19/12/2023 08:40

Do no set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

In the short term, tell DP you aren't up for hosting so many people and get him to book a meal out. If his main worry is not getting to see his kids, you aren't preventing him from doing that if he sees them for a meal in a restaurant.

It also means you can leave when you want to, even feign illness if needs be before the end of the meal.

Longer term I would be reviewing exactly what it is you get out of this relationship.

Rickenbackergoodgrief · 19/12/2023 08:50

It would turn into a row if you raised any objection op?
I wouldn't just bin his kids coming, I'd bin him permanently.
No bloke should be telling you who or what you can and can't have in your own home.

Easipeelerie · 19/12/2023 08:57

Could you imagine if you did the same to him? - over the years your family bullied and traumatised him but you and your children said you’d be at his house on Christmas Day. He doesn’t say anything as he’s scared of your behaviour.
You wouldn’t dream of doing any of the above in a million years so you must know it’s extremely nasty/thoughtless of him to do this to you. He’s literally just thought - kill two birds with one stone - I need a liveable place for Christmas Day and need to see children - use OP’s place, job done.
If you’re that scared of the fallout, that you’ll numb yourself for Christmas Day, then you really need to extricate yourself from him, never mind his children. He’s really not covered himself in glory, knowingly traumatising you for his own convenience . Be brave, foot down- tell the police if he does anything nasty and have Christmas without any of them.

DangerousAlchemy · 19/12/2023 09:21

Who's buying all the extra food, cooking the extra food, cleaning (your) house before they come etc etc? If the answer is just you then that alone is a reason to be annoyed - nevermind he's not even asked if his adult DC/partners can come on this v special day of the year when he knows they have been awful to you in the past! He's bang out of order. Don't be so accepting OP. Say no & let your DP find another solution that doesn't involve you.

Outforlunchallday · 19/12/2023 09:40

I wish you could see that he’s really not worth it OP.
You are letting him walk all over you as it appears you have done throughout your relationship where his kids are concerned.
He sounds bloody awful.
Why should you allow such nasty people into your home on a special day of the year.
You are not going to enjoy it and will be on tenterhooks all day.
And for what?
To retain a relationship with a bloke who let his kids treat you like shite and just stood back and watched. Then invited them into your home without asking knowing how hurtful they have been to you.
You sound so nice and do not deserve to be treat that way.
I wish you could find the strength to say no.

Olika · 19/12/2023 09:50

You said you are scared of the rows. Please reconsider this relationship in the first place as you shouldn't be scared of voicing your feelings/thoughts/opinions/needs and his reaction to them.

barbarahunter · 19/12/2023 10:05

Olika · 19/12/2023 09:50

You said you are scared of the rows. Please reconsider this relationship in the first place as you shouldn't be scared of voicing your feelings/thoughts/opinions/needs and his reaction to them.

Exactly! One is not supposed to feel scared of one's partner.

Staniam · 19/12/2023 10:49

OP, I'm in a similar situation and my DH has also overlooked some pretty shitty behaviour from adult kids over the years. He did it to the point where I was forced to put in place the boundaries he wouldn't. No one treats me like shit in my own home. No one. If one of DH's kids came to my house and was rude or blanked me, I would ask them to leave, and they wouldn't set a foot over my threshold until they had apologised and made it clear it wouldn't happen again. DH is well aware this is my stance, and that if he doesn't like it, he's welcome to get a divorce. As it is, he supports me.

CreationNat1on · 19/12/2023 10:57

Male entitlement!!!

OP please come to your senses and tell this parasite where to go.

FofB · 19/12/2023 11:51

Oh OP. You sound really downtrodden.

I can see why you are doing it but there is no way I would let these people in my home. My space. Just to make everyone else happy apart from you.

I hope all goes well and sending you an internet hug. It sounds like you need one.

Noseyoldcow · 19/12/2023 12:11

Well, I don't like confrontation either. But I'd prefer a row to entertaining people I don't want in my home. I'd just say no. Full stop.

Original poster
ChristmasHarmony · 19/12/2023 15:00

Thanks for all the support. Lots to think about after Christmas. I'll do an update on Boxing Day for anyone who's interested in how it went, can it really be any worse that I think it could be :-)

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 19/12/2023 15:13

I'm sorry OP, but your allowing yourself to be taken for a mug.

RampantIvy · 19/12/2023 15:22

can it really be any worse that I think it could be :-)

You can make it better by just not hosting. Just message that you can't do it, then mute your partner's messages and keep a low profile.

Princessfluffy · 19/12/2023 15:27

Your DP is pushing you around which is highly disrespectful and lacking in consideration.

It would be very unwise for you to put up and shut up OP.

Say you are not happy to host his DC at your house. He can either host as his or go out or choose not to host his DC this year. His problem to solve, there are options.

Your DP probably won't be happy about this but it will set the grounds for a healthier relationship which is a very good thing. If this splits you up then he wasn't right for you anyway. A relationship without mutual respect is not one to stay in voluntarily.

RampantIvy · 19/12/2023 15:28

Your DP probably won't be happy about this but it will set the grounds for a healthier relationship which is a very good thing. If this splits you up then he wasn't right for you anyway. A relationship without mutual respect is not one to stay in voluntarily.

Absolutely this ^^
Stop being his doormat for him to wipe his feet on.

OhComeOnFFS · 19/12/2023 15:40

No, no, NO!

What are you thinking? Your home is your safe place. It's somewhere that's untainted by his children. They caused you to leave your previous home. I wouldn't let them anywhere near my house.

Stop being passive. Stop being a walkover.

All of them know you would hate to have them over at any time, but particularly at Christmas. Your (frankly, fucking useless) partner knows. His kids know.

Say no now. Say it doesn't work for you. If he wants to see his kids then that's fine, but he does it at his own place. I would FAR rather spend the day on my own than with that bunch of twats. And I'm including your partner in that.

Baba197 · 19/12/2023 16:15

YANBU - I’d be livid that I’m being expected to spend Xmas with people who have treated me horribly! I’m afraid I’d be saying no sorry they aren’t welcome in MY home. It’s not his home it’s YOURS

LanaL · 19/12/2023 16:32

Had these been regarding young children , I would have said that you maybe would have to just deal with it but as they’re adults I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all and I think it’s very unfair of DP to put you in this position. Sounds like you have a history so I doubt they want to come either , like you say , and maybe you and his children both feel the same. He’s probably trying to be with everyone he loves but it sounds like it will be miserable for everyone ! Could you suggest him going to visit his adult children whilst you get a start on dinner and then he comes to you after he visits them?

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/12/2023 16:38

Has anyone actually voted YABU?!

so refreshing to see a thread where a stepmother get support!

Ragruggers · 19/12/2023 16:49

Terrible idea but you seem to go along with it.He needs to pay for all the food and cook it.Why are you paying half of the food?they are using your home including heat instead of a meal out which would be very expensive.Please don’t say you are cooking and clearing up after them.You say his house s cold tell him to buy a portable heater.

InSpainTheRain · 19/12/2023 16:55

So his adult DCs seem to have hurt you and been horrible to you over a number of years... and he think he can just invite them to yours. Are you meant to cook for them and chat to them too?

I'd try to have a calm conversation with him to ask in what world he felt that was ok. And also to ask him if he is going to ignore the problem forever or face up to it. If he insists they should come then I think you should dump him, get someone that respects you better and enjoy Xmas by yourself (M&S food for 1 is amazing)!!

Original poster
ChristmasHarmony · 19/12/2023 17:44

I would love to tell them all to sod off and get an M&S meal for one but as a lifelong people pleaser and row avoider I will do this once and once only.

The replies have been surprising and supportive thank you.

I will consider the future and where I want to be and with whom but after Christmas. A boundary has been crossed and I guess I’m a bit numb to it after the awful times we had when we lived together. Things are different now, but clearly the same problems are there just not so obvious.

OP posts: