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Original poster

Spending Christmas with people you really don't want to ...

274 replies

ChristmasHarmony · 18/12/2023 08:55

DP and I live separately although we've been together for 15 years. We tried living together and it wasn't great so we agreed we'd all be happier living apart. It works very well.

DP has adult children who he sees regularly. One of the main reasons we don't live together was due to difficulties with the children/ex when they were smaller. Long story, loads of examples of awful bullying behaviours and incredibly unkind treatment. As a result we're all happier but I don't see the adult children at all.

Due to many reasons, Covid, elderly relatives, unwell relatives, we haven't had many Christmasses together over the last 3 or 4. This year DP is spending Christmas at mine - I was really looking forward to it. He's just told he's invited his children to come over and spend the day with us. Not unreasonable? So why does it feel like a massive damper has been put over my Christmas - I'd rather be alone TBH than spend it with two young adults and their partners who have been so horribly hurtful in the past.

I know I'm going to get firebombed. I'm not a step parent through choice. I was not involved in any way in the break up of the marriage. I fully support him needing to be a parent - I just don't want to see them on this special day. I doubt they want to see me very much either.

OP posts:
OhYeahOhYeah · 18/12/2023 15:58

Be calm but firm, when you tell
him that they are definitely not welcome in your home and safe space.

Tell him you give him your blessing to meet them at a local pub etc for some festive drinks and a catch up, and then they go home and he comes back to enjoy whatever you’d originally planned.

what a prick for dropping this one on you xx

Crazycrazylady · 18/12/2023 16:57

Op
I think it is what it is now but I would tell your dp that they are welcome to join you but they need to be at a minimum polite to you when they're in your house and eating the food that you've paid for .

jumpingjackrabbit · 18/12/2023 17:29

YANBU. I am having to spend Christmas with my SIL who I really don't get on too well with. I'm sucking it up for DH this year, but any comments then this is the last year. I'd much rather spend the day with just us. Last year we hosted my parents. We can't host his parents as it would also mean the whole entourage and I am not up for that.

Vendee23 · 18/12/2023 17:54

Unreasonable that he didn’t ask? Yes however I’m sure if you ask step children if they feel they have been treated unfairly by you over the years I’m sure they will say yes too. The whole I’m not a step parent by choice sets the tone.

As adults now I’m sure you can all recognise that you have all likely hurt each other and are able to put it aside.

Saz12 · 18/12/2023 17:57

OP, dont accept this! Tell DP that you're not up for hosting them for a full day this year. Suggest they go out for a meal together. Or a drink, or anything! His children in your house with all that history. Madness.

Cherrysoup · 18/12/2023 18:25

His dd is likely to ignore you all day? Just no, why would you tolerate this and why would he bloody invite them knowing she will be like this? Can you at least tell him she has to be polite?

Mix56 · 18/12/2023 18:36

I can see the point in trying one last time to be the adult, they are invited into your house, albeit not by you, hopefully they gave matured, along with possibly having to behave if they are with their bf/gf. Even bring a bottle ?
I suggest you tell your P that they have no need to go upstairs. & possibly lock the upstairs doors ?
(That way if the daughter goes snooping she will know you are on to her.)
Let your O pay 3/4, & do the work of thinking the menu, doing the shopping, helping throughout the day & clearing up.
And tell these young folk to help.
He has no right to complain. Its of his making.
Tell him this Now....

Chipsahoyagain · 18/12/2023 18:57

Op I'll predict what will happen. They will come to you home and not steal or do anything outrageous. What they will do is ice you out, make you feel like utter shit, leave you to clean up after them and then leave. You will then regret not taking anyone's advice here, end up having that massive row you were trying to avoid and then be back here. And your dp? He will sit and watch this happen and allow it, because he desperately wants to please his children while doing so at your expense and misery. He slyly dropped this on you so that should tell you that he will not have your back or downplay everything they say or do. I really, really hope I'm wrong but... the fact that none of them contacted you as of yet but dare to come to your home with their partners tells you it will all be one little gang against you.
Please think carefully.

PoppiesandBumbleBees · 18/12/2023 19:31

The daughter has a history of "spoiling" my things - breaking sentimental pieces, dropping bottles of perfume on hard surfaces, losing borrowed items. It can't all have been accidental.

If she’s that passive aggressive then ask yourself if you really want her to know your address - she sounds like the type of person who might well show up randomly to cause surreptitious trouble.

Tell DP to spend Christmas with his kids elsewhere & get some therapy to work through why you are allowing this man so much leeway to run roughshod over your feelings.

GreatGateauxsby · 18/12/2023 19:36

Chipsahoyagain · 18/12/2023 18:57

Op I'll predict what will happen. They will come to you home and not steal or do anything outrageous. What they will do is ice you out, make you feel like utter shit, leave you to clean up after them and then leave. You will then regret not taking anyone's advice here, end up having that massive row you were trying to avoid and then be back here. And your dp? He will sit and watch this happen and allow it, because he desperately wants to please his children while doing so at your expense and misery. He slyly dropped this on you so that should tell you that he will not have your back or downplay everything they say or do. I really, really hope I'm wrong but... the fact that none of them contacted you as of yet but dare to come to your home with their partners tells you it will all be one little gang against you.
Please think carefully.

💯 Agree

I wrote something similar earlier but didn't post it.

It's unacceptable for them to come round blank you and generally make you feel uncomfortable in your own home.

But what's even more unacceptable is that he will sit there and do sweet FA. through his silence he is indirectly approving their shoddy behaviour and allowing / endorsing their treatment of you.

At the end of it all when you finally crack and comment mildly about your awful treatment and he blows up you'll feel like the villain - when the only villain here is your D(ickhead)P

RampantIvy · 18/12/2023 19:40

They will follow their father's example of disrepecting you and expecting you to play the charming hostess.

If I understand correctly there will be six of you, yet he is expecting you to pay for half of the food.

Is staying with someone who treats you like this really better than being on your own? Really?

You need to put your foot down and say that you will not be hosting Christmas day. End of. Message him and then mute your means of contact so that he can't have a row with you.

MadKittenWoman · 18/12/2023 20:35

OP, please don't put up with this. He has no right to invite people to your home at Christmas, never mind people who've been vile to you in the past. Just tell him it's not happening. Have a nice chilled out time by yourself or with people who actually care about you. Flowers

Whydowomendothistothemselves · 18/12/2023 20:39

Does he have keys, OP? I’d book a last minute break, tell him you are off and that he needs to make alternative arrangements that don’t include your house or your finances.

I know you won’t though. Update us on Boxing Day about what a miserable time it was and how he is being PA/gaslighting/emotionally abusive/manipulative/minimising/freezing you out for not enjoying his children in your house. Is he really worth it? You have one life. How many more of these Christmases will there be, not to mention all the other family events?

HalebiHabibti · 18/12/2023 20:49

Another suggestion would be to come down with D and V (alleged) on Christmas eve so you can spend Xmas day hunkered down in your room away from everyone (and the kitchen - can't cook while puking after all). Make sure you stash snacks!

CJsGoldfish · 18/12/2023 21:02

I've reached out to a good crowd today and I feel a whole lot better as I'm not the unreasonable old misery I thought I could be
Look, I'm glad you feel better but..why? What changes?
Nothing. You're still a doormat to a man who does not care one bit how you feel about this. You avoid a row at your own expense despite knowing the situation is all kinds of wrong. You're PAYING for their lovely Christmas lunch and have no intention of putting yourself first because you are so desperate to be in this 'relationship' and keep this 'man' happy. He does not respect you. Do you understand that? WHY is that ok?

Obviously, you are not going to do anything but allow yourself to be treated this way so my wish for you is that you find your worth before the next significant occasion now that this precedent has been set. You deserve more and I wish you understood that

Yetmorebeanstocount · 18/12/2023 21:04

DisforDarkChocolate · 18/12/2023 09:08

I know you have been together a long time but think about how this is going to play out in the future. You aren't going to weddings, or Christenings, or anything like that. For all big events you're being left behind. What happens if he gets ill, are you good enough to be a carer but not good enough to be at the funeral?

This.
What future is there in this?
You are good enough to provide a convenient house for their Christmas. Good enough to be a convenient girlfriend.
Good enough to be his carer later in life. But not good enough to be his 'next of kin' and organise his funeral? Have you thought that far ahead?

You are in a shadowy half-relationship, you are not his partner in any meaningful sense.

Ladybirder · 18/12/2023 21:13

I know they’re his kids, but it’s weird to invite people to your house on Xmas day who you don’t have a relationship with, or anyone really as it’s your house- you’re the host not him. Could he not have seen them on Boxing Day/ Christmas Eve? He should have at the very least discussed it with you prior to inviting them, and if you didn’t want them round then come up with another plan.

AtrociousCircumstance · 18/12/2023 21:15

Nah. Fuck that.

This is a big flashing sign that this is a relationship which harms you.

Janiebirdy · 18/12/2023 21:45

YANBU.

Your home is your sanctuary and now you have to entertain people who were unpleasant to you. Your partner should’ve spoken to you before inviting them over. Frankly he’s pulled a fast one and expects you to be the pleasant hostess to his children.

Part of me says you should message him and tell him that it’s unwise for you all to meet in your own home over the holidays. It’s unreasonable to play ignorant at the past history and expect a reunion without testing the waters first. If he starts a row over this, disengage and tell him you’ll be spending Xmas on your own without the pressure of entertaining people who were vile to you.

Benibidibici · 18/12/2023 22:06

Reality is, even once they are grown up, many parents will put their offspring ahead of even a partner.

Your DH wants to have his cake & eat it, he wants christmas with both you, & his kids. If you force him to choose between you, understand he might not choose what you want.

Moonshine5 · 18/12/2023 22:24

You sound like a good person but in this relationship it seems that your feelings are put below his adult childrens. Sorry.

Pugdays · 19/12/2023 06:40

This is the second thread about people expecting a visitor/ visitors ,who the then decide to invite extra people with them ,to someone else's house ..
That's just not what you do ,you don't get invited somewhere and then invite more people,it's just rude .
So your DP ,expects you to just Russel up enough food for 4 more people for a whole day ,not only that ,but people he knows have hurt you in the past ..
Wow ...

GreatGateauxsby · 19/12/2023 06:45

@ChristmasHarmony

If you do nothing else reread @CJsGoldfish and @DisforDarkChocolate's posts.

Pugdays · 19/12/2023 06:48

Omg
I've only just read all your answers
Your being used
His home is have works done and can't be used
So he's using yours , because he's no where else to go with them
Not because his children have all apologized and said they were sorry for the hurt they caused you ,but because he just needs somewhere to host them
He they are not choosing to spend Christmas day with you because they like you and want a relationship with you ..
You are just the Venue .
Come on op ,stop this madness
I can guarantee in future Christmases if his home is renovated and he is hosting them at his home ,you will NOT be included...even if you go ahead and host them ,he won't include you at his house with them in the future
When people show you who they are ,believe them ...
He should not be putting you in this position
Tbh ,Id be dumping him ,for his lack of care towards you

RampantIvy · 19/12/2023 06:51

I have read quite a few in the same vein @Pugdays. These people do it because they know they can walk all over the host and get away with it.