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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this attitude isn't on

241 replies

Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 07:28

I'm separated from ds father but we have remained friends.
Ex could always be awkward opininated etc and it's possible ds has also picked up some of his traits although not all and ds isn't a big fan of his father either.
Ds is at university and is coming home for Christmas although he isn't too enthusiastic as he says his room is cold it's too far to the gym and his bed small single is uncomfortable I have been upset about my ex and ds attitude in recent days so go easy on me.
I've messaged ex to say I've ordered a new bed for ds and his reply was Oh fuck off your spoiling the brat and it won't be put up.
Aibu to feel I've been disrespected.

OP posts:
Original poster
Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 10:35

Carpediemmakeitcount · 18/12/2023 10:23

Friends with benefits you still want him.

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Hell no

OP posts:
Wisterical · 18/12/2023 10:37

OP why are you ignoring all the comments about selling the house your ex lives in. Honestly, do you really part own it?

ManateeFair · 18/12/2023 10:38

Your son is an adult. It is none of your business what bed he sleeps on at his father's house. You have no need to even discuss your son and his sleeping arrangements with your ex any more. They can have their own conversations about these things.

Your adult son is an entitled twat, your ex is a rude dickhead, and you are a complete doormat. This entire dynamic is unbelievably dysfunctional and weird.

Original poster
Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 10:38

Wisterical · 18/12/2023 10:37

OP why are you ignoring all the comments about selling the house your ex lives in. Honestly, do you really part own it?

That is very tricky ex won't leave and he won't buy me out and I don't have money for a solicitor he's also always paid the mortgage

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 18/12/2023 10:40

Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 10:38

That is very tricky ex won't leave and he won't buy me out and I don't have money for a solicitor he's also always paid the mortgage

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Well move back in and put all the radiators on full blast until he reconsiders his position then.

millymog11 · 18/12/2023 10:49

"That is very tricky ex won't leave and he won't buy me out and I don't have money for a solicitor he's also always paid the mortgage"

Why did you leave the family home without your son all those years ago? i have probably missed this crucial piece of information in which case apologies.
Either way I think it goes without saying that a home is about the vibe/the love you embody in it not about how fancy/big the bricks and mortar are. Surely your best move is to get yourself somewhere affordable (till the family home is sold by your ex husband) and make it somewhere your son is delighted to return to and chill out in. I think that would answer all this dysfunction. Also missed the explanation for why you still buy furniture for a house you no longer live in, forgive me here with this next comment but you do know that buying furniture and doing the homemaking thing in a house you don't live in from afar is not going to make your exH see you in a new/positive light (if you were ever under that illusion) let alone make your exH begrudgingly conclude you are irreplaceable because you mother the son you have together from afar. His reply is all the information you need however hurtful you might find it.

For 2024 consider these resolutions:
(1) Build yourself up and totally put your ex husband out of your head
(2) Make your home a comfortable nest your son loves being in
(3) Consider your ex husband for all intents and purposes not a person who is in your life any longer
(4) Prioritise the legal process of getting the house your ex husband lives in sold asap and getting your share of that so you can invest it in where you are living / want to live.

ImNotReallySpartacus · 18/12/2023 10:56

The bed is an irrelevance. The problem is that your ex is still calling the shots. It is of course your business whether you choose to go on tolerating that, but here are some suggestions for the new year:

  1. Accept that the relationship with your ex is over. After five years you are hardly likely to be getting back together.

  2. Stop socialising with your ex. He is not your friend. Don't walk his dog, don't sleep with him, don't communicate unless it's essential.

  3. Find out what equity, if any, you have in the house. This will require legal advice.

  4. If you have any equity, get your hands on it. This may mean getting a court order to force a sale of the house. Don't be sidetracked by your ex getting angry or asking 'where am I going to live?'-his feelings and his practical arrangements are not your problem.

  5. Try to develop a relationship with your adult son that does not involve bad-mouthing his dad to him and does not involve you being desperate for affection or trying to 'compensate for the split'. You left for a reason and you don't have to apologise to your son for that.

  6. Whatever relationship your son decides to have with his dad, that is between the two of them. Stay out of that.

Crumpleton · 18/12/2023 11:05

Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 10:38

That is very tricky ex won't leave and he won't buy me out and I don't have money for a solicitor he's also always paid the mortgage

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Of course your ex doesn't want to sell and why would he he has the best of everything.
Have you been in touch with CAB they'd be able to give you information and give guidance.

wednesday32 · 18/12/2023 11:15

If you have remained friends, why did you not discuss the purchase beforehand?
Your ex may also feel he's been disrespected, as you have just told him the delivery will be coming to his home and you are inviting yourself in to put it up. its all very odd for a son who is in his twenties and lives away at uni.

Chocolatepeanutbuttercupsandicecream · 18/12/2023 11:23

I would (if possible) cancel this order and instead order a comfortable sofa bed for your own flat. Work on making it a space that he can still comfortably visit despite it being a one bedroom (you could even offer him your room and take the living room when he’s home).
Then, in the new year, prioritise getting proper legal advice about the house (if you can’t afford a proper solicitor, try CAB or a university law clinic) so that, even if it isn’t what you want to hear, at least you’ll know.

Maddy70 · 18/12/2023 11:25

I would be livid if an ex bought furniture for my house ....

That's completely over stepping

Wheresthebeach · 18/12/2023 11:26

pickledandpuzzled · 18/12/2023 07:37

You’re massively unreasonable buying furniture for someone else’s house. Massively overstepping.

DS is an adult it’s his job to sort these things out now.

This!! You ordered furniture for someone else's house, without discussion?

I'd refuse the delivery.

Maddy70 · 18/12/2023 11:26

Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 07:42

I feel as though I still have a hand in the house he's never given me a penny from it

You don't

Nanaof1 · 18/12/2023 11:47

Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 07:36

Due to the fact that his dad won't spend the money

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Just read more of the updates. It sounds like all of you are hard work, though none more so than your ex. He sounds like a true jackazz.

Quartz2208 · 18/12/2023 11:48

Actually if she is on the deeds and mortgage I think she actually does - which just highlights the oriblem with all of this. Her ex won’t leave but it is still her house. She is still in a one bed and can’t have her son to stay because she can’t release the funds in the hiuse she does own, one assumes as well that house ownership stops her receiving certain benefits as well.

her son doesn’t like his father but has nowhere else to go, he is stuck having parents in an odd relationship and I think he is try8ng to say he doesn’t want to

read @ImNotReallySpartacus post do that, talk to CAB and start the process of selling the house

MargotBamborough · 18/12/2023 11:51

Nanaof1 · 18/12/2023 11:47

Just read more of the updates. It sounds like all of you are hard work, though none more so than your ex. He sounds like a true jackazz.

Edited
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She lives in a one bed flat.

mamma65432 · 18/12/2023 11:54

Cancel the bed then and buy a nice comfy sofa bed for your flat?

Wisterical · 18/12/2023 11:56

Or, better, cancel the bed and use the money to see a solicitor.

readymealeater · 18/12/2023 11:58

I am sure you have responsibilities if you are on the mortgage and deeds.

I'd look into that.

Also, your ex could borrow against the house. They should notify you, but an ex screwed me over by committing fraud, so look out for that too.

Please don't sleepwalk your way though life. Find out what's going on and protect your own interests for a change.

Butchyrestingface · 18/12/2023 12:00

I've messaged ex to say I've ordered a new bed for ds and his reply was Oh fuck off your spoiling the brat and it won't be put up.

I was going to say he was very, very rude to you (which he was) but if you had ordered furniture to my house without so much as a by-your-leave, and then expect me to put it up (!!), I'd probably have been even LESS polite than he was.

You've said your ex and your son share some of the same traits. So I think I'd be taking the approach, 'it takes one to know one' here and accept that your ex may be right on this occasion about your son's attitude and leave them to sort out the sleeping arrangements at your ex's house between them.

SeanMean · 18/12/2023 12:00

YABU, I would be furious if I were your ex.

massively overstepping!

betterangels · 18/12/2023 12:01

Lucytheloose · 18/12/2023 10:20

If he's such an arse, why are you visiting him for drinks and walking his dog?

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This is a good question.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 18/12/2023 12:03

Just because your son is moaning that his bed is too small and uncomfortable doesn't actually mean it is. I think you're out of order for this and if I were your ex I might be tempted to text you something similar.

Dotjones · 18/12/2023 12:09

Please don't take this the wrong way, I'm not trying to be rude or offensive to you, but if your ex tells you to "fuck off your" and that you're "spoiling the brat" by buying a new bed, you and your ex have NOT "remained friends."

At least they're an ex and presumably with your DS at university you won't have to have contact with them (the ex) much longer.

Shrammed · 18/12/2023 12:15

That is very tricky ex won't leave and he won't buy me out and I don't have money for a solicitor he's also always paid the mortgage

You need to take legal advice about this and force the issue - nothing will change or improve till you do.

Ordering a bed for a house you don't live in is extremely odd behavior - very rude really to your ex - and I'm really not surprised at the response from your ex.

I strongly suspect the subtext about moaning about ex house being cold and bed uncomfortable was DS doesn't get made to feel welcome there and was possible hoping for an invite to yours even if it's only a one bed. A better compromise would have been to offer to pay for a hotel room or meet in a hotel for Christmas. It may also be frustration you haven't sorted situation with house out so he feel he has to go to ex and get made unwelcome - as it's only way he gets to see you or him over Christmas.