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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this attitude isn't on

241 replies

Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 07:28

I'm separated from ds father but we have remained friends.
Ex could always be awkward opininated etc and it's possible ds has also picked up some of his traits although not all and ds isn't a big fan of his father either.
Ds is at university and is coming home for Christmas although he isn't too enthusiastic as he says his room is cold it's too far to the gym and his bed small single is uncomfortable I have been upset about my ex and ds attitude in recent days so go easy on me.
I've messaged ex to say I've ordered a new bed for ds and his reply was Oh fuck off your spoiling the brat and it won't be put up.
Aibu to feel I've been disrespected.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 18/12/2023 08:16

If you are on the deeds mortgage etc why hasn’t it been sold yet, your DS clearly doesn’t like it either.

this I don’t think is about the bed your DS doesn’t want to spend time at Christmas with his father

margotrose · 18/12/2023 08:17

IrresponsiblyCertainAboutSexualDimorphism · 18/12/2023 08:06

Why isn’t anyone reading OP’s posts before having a go at her?

It’s her house.

But she doesn't live there anymore - they've split up.

You can't just go ordering furniture for someone else's home!

BooBooBaloo · 18/12/2023 08:17

Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 07:40

I just want ds to feel comfortable when he comes home is that so bad really.

Do what you like in your own house, but you have massively overstepped ordering furniture for someone else's house without even asking. I'm with your ex on this one

Original poster
Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 08:17

arethereanyleftatall · 18/12/2023 08:14

So....

You both own a house which your ex husband and son (when not at uni) both live in.

You still have the key, but pay none of the bills, and nothing has been sorted out yet about splitting the equity.

As it is still your house, you feel entitled to buy a bed for your son to sleep in for the house.

You live elsewhere - because you were kicked out or chose to leave?

Is that right?

How long ago was all this?

Well he's my son so I thought it was a nice thing to do for him.
I left 5 years ago but go back and forward alot for a drink with ex and to walk the dog etc

OP posts:
Marmiteidea · 18/12/2023 08:17

You need boundaries with your DS and with your ex. Your lack of appropriate boundaries with an ex is staggering. Read up on them. It will really help.

WillowTit · 18/12/2023 08:17

can you put a camp bed in your flat for christmas?

grumpycow1 · 18/12/2023 08:17

If you have a claim in the house via the deeds and mortgage, you need to sort it out properly and get a bigger place for DS to be able to stay with you. It’s not healthy acting like you still have a say in your ex’s home, no matter how much of an arse he is. And DS clearly wants to stay with you - can’t you get a blow up bed for a bit while he comes and visits?

NumberTheory · 18/12/2023 08:19

Needsomesupport84 · 18/12/2023 08:13

It’s more than “may be entitled to some of the equity”. She’s a joint legal owner and technically has the right to enter the house and even live there should she choose to. And she would definitely get some of the equity (possibly even half unless there have been unequal contributions).

Show quote history

But she doesn’t live there and it’s not her home. Having the legal right to enter and live there doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t be awful of her to waltz in, change things around and then leave again. It would be a really shitty thing to do.

Bogeyes · 18/12/2023 08:20

pickledandpuzzled · 18/12/2023 07:37

You’re massively unreasonable buying furniture for someone else’s house. Massively overstepping.

DS is an adult it’s his job to sort these things out now.

He's an adult. He's at university? Surely he can work out how to assemble a bed? Can he tie his own shoe laces?

arethereanyleftatall · 18/12/2023 08:21

Op - your ex doesn't get to just unilaterally decide he's going to live in a joint house and keep all the equity in it. That's not how the law in England works. Thankfully. It's a bit unclear but it seems you own half the house. See a solicitor.

PieAndLattes · 18/12/2023 08:24

Can you cancel the bed? And if your son starts moaning tell him to take it up with his father. You really can’t just go around ordering furniture for other peoples homes without their permission.

ActDottie · 18/12/2023 08:25

Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 07:35

Yes for ds

Show quote history

I think YABU. You can’t just order furniture to be sent to your exes house!

Needsomesupport84 · 18/12/2023 08:26

Jeez, you pop in to have a drink and walk his dog for him? He replays you by texting you to fuck off. He is not your friend and clearly holds you in contempt. Have some self respect and get your share of the house sorted, then you can repay debts and maybe get a bigger place.

ChiIIieP · 18/12/2023 08:26

Drink with ex and walk the dogs etc....the more you explain the more YANBU for ordering the bed to a house that you're very much still involved in.

Shoxfordian · 18/12/2023 08:27

Have an actual clean break, you're too connected with your ex

Original poster
Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 08:29

ChiIIieP · 18/12/2023 08:26

Drink with ex and walk the dogs etc....the more you explain the more YANBU for ordering the bed to a house that you're very much still involved in.

Unreasonable or reasonable

OP posts:
Jimmyneutronsforehead · 18/12/2023 08:30

Tbf I agree with ex. He could have put it nicer but it's a few nights, why did ds leave it this late to complain about his bed. He's just being a spoilt brat.

Sirzy · 18/12/2023 08:31

Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 08:14

Exactly he's an adult I thought the same

Show quote history

So as an adult he can sort his own bed problems out!

Original poster
Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 08:32

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 18/12/2023 08:30

Tbf I agree with ex. He could have put it nicer but it's a few nights, why did ds leave it this late to complain about his bed. He's just being a spoilt brat.

He's been complaining for sometime but always held off buying a new one due to him been at uni

OP posts:
betterangels · 18/12/2023 08:34

Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 07:52

Unhinged for wanting my ds to feel comfortable when he comes home

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But it's not your house he's coming to! I'd be furious. It wasn't your decision to make.

vanillaredbushtea · 18/12/2023 08:35

I left 5 years ago but go back and forward alot for a drink with ex and to walk the dog etc stop doing that.

Get some proper legal advice about the house. This situation is ridiculous and stopping you from living your life.

WillowTit · 18/12/2023 08:35

and what would happen if either of you met someone new?

Original poster
Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 08:36

Right maybe my thought process is all wrong could be my adhd/autism I don't know.

OP posts:
readymealeater · 18/12/2023 08:38

He's been complaining for sometime but always held off buying a new one due to him been at uni

Teach him "complaining for some time" accomplishes nothing and that actually doing something about it or keeping quiet is better. Does he work at all? Perhaps he should. What's he studying? Beds aren't that expensive.

Your DS should have learned this by now, but it's not too late to teach him "you pay your money and you take your choice".

People moan AT you when they know you will try and fix it for them. I have addict siblings like this and as the (recovering) family fixer, I have had to do a lot of work on myself.