To think this attitude isn't on

[Desperatetime]

I'm separated from ds father but we have remained friends.
Ex could always be awkward opininated etc and it's possible ds has also picked up some of his traits although not all and ds isn't a big fan of his father either.
Ds is at university and is coming home for Christmas although he isn't too enthusiastic as he says his room is cold it's too far to the gym and his bed small single is uncomfortable I have been upset about my ex and ds attitude in recent days so go easy on me.
I've messaged ex to say I've ordered a new bed for ds and his reply was Oh fuck off your spoiling the brat and it won't be put up.
Aibu to feel I've been disrespected.

You’re now 22 with a son at uni? Are you the son?

I was quoting what ds said to me

hes 22. Do you not realise how controlling you’re being trying to make this all about you?

he could get on a plane tomorrow and move to the other side of the world if he wanted!

I think she meant that the DS said that. Not that OP is 22.

I get you

OP, you are infuriating.

Why aren't you listening to what anybody is saying?

What happens in your ex's home is none of your business.

Your son is an adult and he is old enough to decide whether he prefers to stay in a single bed in his dad's unheated house, on a camp bed at yours or in his uni house. Most 22 year olds don't have a choice of three different places to stay. He can work out which is the least worst option based on what is important to him. (His primary concern seems to be proximity to the gym.)

He does sound quite spoilt and babyish from what you say, and you are not helping him with your attitude.

You are also not helping yourself.

If that house belongs to you and your ex jointly then bloody sell it and get your money out and then you might be able to afford a two bedroom place where you can actually make decisions about the furniture and your son can stay with you.

Yeah OP I think you’re trying to cling on to the family life, trying to make yourself useful to your ex and your DS at considerable expense to yourself. They’re clearly not appreciative of it and you need to look after yourself starting with getting your money from your jointly owned house. Forget about sleeping arrangements or heating at your ex’s. If your DS does loathe it, he could go back to his uni house. A lot of people do that, I did sometimes when I’d had enough of family arguments.

Jesus wept you need to get divorced, and to get out of the family home legally. The way this post reads it’s like you’ve never moved out, you’ve certainly never moved on, and that’s not allowing your son to move on either

Please don't think that I am taking it all on board.

I had a heated discussion with ds and told him not to live with his father when uni finishes next year but to get a decent job and his own place whether here or back in his uni town

Why is that your decision though? He can live where he wants

Because of his general attitude

But why have that heated discussion? Why can’t he choose where he lives? He’s 22 years old. Why don’t you sort out your own housing and debt situation rather than meddling in your son’s life?

If I'm been truly honest if the roles where reversed and I was the ex this wouldn't bother me as ex is never in the room and ds does need a bed and bed will be up and assembled with old one out of the way

It's not for you to decide how other people should feel, I'm afraid.

You can't do stuff like this and then say "Well, I wouldn't mind!"

I get strong codependent vibes from you. Not being snarky, as I am a codependent myself. Please look into this, it might be an eyeopener for you.

You probably feel stressed and exhausted a lot of the time, being pulled apart as you try and micromanage everyone's business and everyone's feelings.

They both have awkward type attitudes and both are at fault

Your son’s attitude? Or your ex’s? Either way, you need to let it go. Your son is well into adulthood and he can live wherever he wants. Your relationship is over, your ex is not your friend and you need to move on and look to the future.

But it's not your business where he chooses to live. He's an adult

What you mean codependant

This will give you an overview:

Are You Codependent? 13 Signs of Codependency (psychcentral.com)

1. Common signs of codependency include: a deep-seated need for approval from others
2. self-worth that depends on what others think about you
3. a habit of taking on more work than you can realistically handle, both to earn praise or lighten a loved one’s burden
4. a tendency to apologize or take on blame in order to keep the peace
5. a pattern of avoiding conflict
6. a tendency to minimize or ignore your own desires
7. excessive concern about a loved one’s habits or behaviors
8. a habit of making decisions for others or trying to “manage” loved ones
9. a mood that reflects how others feel, rather than your own emotions
10. guilt or anxiety when doing something for yourself
11. doing things you don’t really want to do, simply to make others happy
12. idealizing partners or other loved ones, often to the point of maintaining relationships that leave you unfulfilled
13. overwhelming fears of rejection or abandonment

As I said they both have faults and I have actually stuck up for the pair of them if I haven't agreed with what one or the other has said or done to each other

The codependence moved was rooted in alcoholism. Referring to the family surrounding the alcohol and how they often try to "manage" the alcoholic - enable them, cover up for them, years and years go by and the alcoholic gets no better while the codependent family lose their own lives to this merry-go-round.

You can be codependence with no alcohol in sight, however. There is SO MUCH about this on the web - channels on youTube, books, therapy available.

See if it rings any bells with you.

But the point is that you need to butt out of both of their lives. Your ex is not your partner anymore and your son is an adult. Their attitudes should be none of your concern.

As I said they both have faults and I have actually stuck up for the pair of them if I haven't agreed with what one or the other has said or done to each other

Don't waste your time and energy getting caught in the middle of this stuff.

Some of those points hit home tbh.
I am massively disappointed in the family I had tbh. However I do live ds loads so it's a weird feeling that I don't know how to handle.

If my ex tried to do that here I wouldn’t be accepting delivery. Not a chance in hell.
Massively overstepping for an adult son.