To think this attitude isn't on

[Desperatetime]

I'm separated from ds father but we have remained friends.
Ex could always be awkward opininated etc and it's possible ds has also picked up some of his traits although not all and ds isn't a big fan of his father either.
Ds is at university and is coming home for Christmas although he isn't too enthusiastic as he says his room is cold it's too far to the gym and his bed small single is uncomfortable I have been upset about my ex and ds attitude in recent days so go easy on me.
I've messaged ex to say I've ordered a new bed for ds and his reply was Oh fuck off your spoiling the brat and it won't be put up.
Aibu to feel I've been disrespected.

However I do live ds loads so it's a weird feeling that I don't know how to handle.

You can learn how to love someone and not be enmeshed with them.

Codependents confuse love with smothering and controlling. They really are not the same thing at all.

If this rings bells for you, please start seriously looking into it and trying to change. Weirdly, you'll find your relationships actually improve!

Thanks just wanted to say I don't make a habit out of this type of thing

Are you sure? If you are not in the habit of fixing your 22 year old son's problems, why are you trying to fix this one all of a sudden?

I agree with everyone else, I'd hit the roof if ex tried to buy furniture for my house. Ask yourself, is there a reason you went ahead and did this without asking him first? If you wanted to pay for a bed, a more co-operative way to approach would be to say to ex when you're round to walk the dogs "hey I'd like to treat DS to a new bed, what do you think?". The fact you just went ahead and did it makes me suspect that you knew he'd not want it, which is what makes the situation tense.

I think you've been bamboozled into accepting the status quo and I can't figure out how. They are living in YOUR house. You need to force a sale so that both you and ex can purchase big enough properties.

Ohhhh sorry that makes sense, yeah it threw me off without the quotation marks. Tbh that would bother me too but if your son’s not bothered let him take the lead from now on

• Control patterns
• A belief that people are unable to care for themselves
• Attempts to influence others to think, act, or feel a certain way
• Freely giving unsolicited advice and suggestions
• Giving gifts and favors

You have demonstrated all these in this scenario you are describing, for starters.

Understanding codependency, it is not love! - Rational Redo

Christmas I always go over the top for his birthday and Christmas and to compensate for the split although I don't think that bothers him.

Do you mean the bed you sent to his father is your son's Christmas present?

OP

Kindly, you need to put yourself and your son first. Get the house sold and get yourself a better place to live so that he can come stay with you and you can make it like a home. It doesn't sound like he has a "home" to come back to, tbh, and I don't blame him for not wanting to be in that house.

He’s entitled to feel that way about his own birthday. I think most adults feel that way, especially as it’s not a big one like 21, 30, 40 etc.

It wasn't intended as because I've already bought loads

So they’re both wrong and you’re right.

okaaaaaaaay

Christmas I always go over the top for his birthday and Christmas and to compensate for the split although I don't think that bothers him.

Why do you feel you need to "compensate" for the split? Why are you taking the blame on your shoulders?

At 22, you son surely does not need any more "compensation".

Why don't you have a heart-to-heart some time with your son so see how he feels about it, rather than trying to manage his feelings by "going over the top" on spending?

Why didn't you just give your son the money for Christmas and if he feels that strongly about the bed situation, he could buy a bed with it? Or are you afraid he won't use it for a bed? If he doesn't, that's a choice he makes and he will have to live with the consequences.

Sorry for all the questions. I am trying to make you think and explore your motivations for doing what you are doing.

OP why don't you have the equity from your jointly owned home? You separated five years ago are you divorced? What was the financial settlement? Why is your ex living in the shared family home when you are on the deeds and mortgage and paid towards it for twelve years?
Your son clearly doesn't like going back there and is old enough not to have to. It's time to sell up and split the proceeds, maybe you can afford a two bed then or to clear your debts.
The bed should be the least of your concerns.

Why can't your son stay at your house.?

One in the bedroom and one in the lounge?

If his dad's house is cold and not near any amenities.

They also don't get on, so whys he staying there ?

,,,and why does OP refer to that as "home"??!!

Irrelevant. You can't impose a large item of furniture on a house you neither own nor live in. And your son is an adult now and if he is not comfortable at his dad's, he should discuss it with dad or make other arrangements for the holidays.

I would not be impressed if someone ordered furniture for my house either.
either bed is for your house, then no need to tell ex.
or bed is for ex’s house, and then you are massively out of order.

Did you ask if if was OK to have a large item of furniture delivered to his house before ordering it or did you just tell him there's a bed arriving and he's expected to deal with it? Because there's a very big difference in how I would respond to the two scenarios.

Asking me - I'm not sure that's needed, let's wait til he's home and see if it's still required.

Telling me - you've done what? At Christmas when I have a million and one other things to think of I have to wait in for a bed and then assemble it? And get rid of the old one? Thanks for the extra work.

Aside from all of that. Your DS is an adult. They can organise their own stuff. You can pay for it if you want but its upto DS to say I need this or I could do with x.

I'm on deeds mortgage etc

If you're on the deeds and have contributed to costs after 5 years away is there a reason that you haven't sold the house and split the monies, got yourself a 2 bed place?

Understand DS stays there when not at Uni but it doesn't sound like he'd miss staying with his dad

If he's such an arse, why are you visiting him for drinks and walking his dog?

You talk badly about his father to him you ain't coming out in roses. It sounds like you can't take criticism.

Friends with benefits you still want him.

Not read the whole thread but have read the OP and skim read the OP's subsequent replies

I can see there is a back story around how OP split up with ex, who lives where and who pays for what.

What is strange to me is why (and correct me if I am wrong here) a son who is 18 years old (he is at university I think?) has reached that age and does not have two separated parents who have BOTH made their own home/houses habitable so he, as an 18 year old man, can feel comfortable and homely in the house he choses to stay in because he is an adult at 18 years old over Christmas.
Admittedly it might be important that mum encourages son to see his Dad over Christmas to maintain the relationship, but at 18 years old if the Dad's house is freezing cold and the bed Dad provides for said 18 year old is suitable for a 10 year old or whatever and he cannot sleep on it, why doesn't the Mum just make her own home the place the son wants to be at (with day trips to visit Dad or whatever)? So maybe I missed the bit where Dad lives at JohnO'Groats and Mum lives at LandsEnd so staying overnight is a bit more imperative. Even then the most appropriate thing is to give said 18 year old the money for a bed and breakfast near Dad rather than buy Dad furniture?

And I say that as an admittedly over doting soppy mother myself to my own (younger) teenage children....

@millymog11 he's 22 not 18 he's a grown arse man.