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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this attitude isn't on

241 replies

Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 07:28

I'm separated from ds father but we have remained friends.
Ex could always be awkward opininated etc and it's possible ds has also picked up some of his traits although not all and ds isn't a big fan of his father either.
Ds is at university and is coming home for Christmas although he isn't too enthusiastic as he says his room is cold it's too far to the gym and his bed small single is uncomfortable I have been upset about my ex and ds attitude in recent days so go easy on me.
I've messaged ex to say I've ordered a new bed for ds and his reply was Oh fuck off your spoiling the brat and it won't be put up.
Aibu to feel I've been disrespected.

OP posts:
LakieLady · 18/12/2023 12:20

Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 10:38

That is very tricky ex won't leave and he won't buy me out and I don't have money for a solicitor he's also always paid the mortgage

Show quote history

A friend of mine was in a similar position some years ago and I helped her with the paperwork to apply for a court order for the house to be sold. It wasn't actually all that difficult, although it involved getting a copy of (iirc) the land registry entry, the current mortgage balance and a few other bits and bobs. The people at the court were very helpful when it came to doing the form.

Once her ex was notified that she'd applied, it galvanised him into action and he started negotiating. She got 35% of the equity in the end, without going to court. She was delighted, as she was prepared to settle for 25% as he'd paid the mortgage for on his own for quite a few years and he'd paid most of the deposit.

MrsSlocombesCat · 18/12/2023 12:27

I would cancel the bed and get a sofa bed for your flat so he can stay with you. I think that might be the problem, he just doesn’t want to stay with his dad.

Original poster
Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 12:53

He doesn't want to stay with me

OP posts:
margotrose · 18/12/2023 12:53

Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 10:38

That is very tricky ex won't leave and he won't buy me out and I don't have money for a solicitor he's also always paid the mortgage

Show quote history

If you can afford a brand new bed and (in your own words) loads of presents for birthdays and Christmases, you can definitely afford a solicitor Hmm

Noodles1234 · 18/12/2023 12:54

I may have purchased the bed if coming to my house, not ex he can poke it, your ex sounds a right charmer…
bless you trying to keep the peace, but if for ex house then it’s up to him. I wish you a hopefully wonderful Christmas and hope your ds realised how nice you are!

whynotwhatknot · 18/12/2023 13:03

theres two seprate issues here-yes legally its still your house but you moved out 5 years ago-you can force a sale you could have saved up for a solicior by now

you cant just order things for somewhere you dont live

can you imagine a man doing that he would be called controlling

Shrammed · 18/12/2023 13:05

margotrose · 18/12/2023 12:53

If you can afford a brand new bed and (in your own words) loads of presents for birthdays and Christmases, you can definitely afford a solicitor Hmm

Show quote history

I was thinking this.

I was also wondering if she actually asked her DS what he wanted he to do to make the visit more enjoyable for him - as buying bed for ex house is really odd thing to hit upon almost designed do make situation between parents worse over Christmas period and add to hostility and unpleasant atmosphere.

vanillaredbushtea · 18/12/2023 13:07

Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 10:38

That is very tricky ex won't leave and he won't buy me out and I don't have money for a solicitor he's also always paid the mortgage

Show quote history

Even if you don't go on holiday etc? It needs sorting as a prioirty

vanillaredbushtea · 18/12/2023 13:07

margotrose · 18/12/2023 12:53

If you can afford a brand new bed and (in your own words) loads of presents for birthdays and Christmases, you can definitely afford a solicitor Hmm

Show quote history

And, and I hate to be this person, there was a recent trip to Turkey

Fraggeek · 18/12/2023 13:47

"You can't order furniture to your ex's house"

So you can't buy your ADULT son a bed for his room? A bed the son can put up. The son can sort all of this out himself. He's not a child. She's not expecting the ex to even build it.

I wouldn't be saying myself and a friend would build it myself. That's overstepping. But buying a bed for an adult regardless of whose house it is shouldn't be a massive issue.

Butchyrestingface · 18/12/2023 13:53

vanillaredbushtea · 18/12/2023 13:07

And, and I hate to be this person, there was a recent trip to Turkey

Show quote history

Any goats or 78 inch plasma tellies?

Anywherebuthere · 18/12/2023 13:58

Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 07:40

I just want ds to feel comfortable when he comes home is that so bad really.

Since when has it been acceptable to order furniture to be put up at someone else house for the comfort of your adult child?

If he was coming to live with you in your house and you ordered the bed for your own house thats different.

But I'd be telling any exs where to put the furniture if they ordered it to my house without discussion or approval from me.

Shrammed · 18/12/2023 13:59

Fraggeek · 18/12/2023 13:47

"You can't order furniture to your ex's house"

So you can't buy your ADULT son a bed for his room? A bed the son can put up. The son can sort all of this out himself. He's not a child. She's not expecting the ex to even build it.

I wouldn't be saying myself and a friend would build it myself. That's overstepping. But buying a bed for an adult regardless of whose house it is shouldn't be a massive issue.

She is sending furniture to a house she doesn't live in - and told actual occupier after she'd done it - that would be a massive issue to most people I know.

Doesn't matter who she decided it was for - and I may have missed it but I don't think her son actually asked her to do this for him.

It's massively overstepping to an extent it like she wants to cause problems.

I wonder if she one of these people who does unwanted favours that cause work for other people then gets upset when they aren't grateful.

gemma19846 · 18/12/2023 17:23

Why doesnt he stay with you? If hes not a "big fan" of his dad. Why would you order a bed for someone elses house?

Shouldershoulder · 18/12/2023 17:45

Some people just make their lives so much harder than they need to be.

escapethemaze · 18/12/2023 17:54

Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 12:53

He doesn't want to stay with me

interesting

very interesting

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