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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this attitude isn't on

241 replies

Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 07:28

I'm separated from ds father but we have remained friends.
Ex could always be awkward opininated etc and it's possible ds has also picked up some of his traits although not all and ds isn't a big fan of his father either.
Ds is at university and is coming home for Christmas although he isn't too enthusiastic as he says his room is cold it's too far to the gym and his bed small single is uncomfortable I have been upset about my ex and ds attitude in recent days so go easy on me.
I've messaged ex to say I've ordered a new bed for ds and his reply was Oh fuck off your spoiling the brat and it won't be put up.
Aibu to feel I've been disrespected.

OP posts:
Original poster
Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 07:51

DustyLee123 · 18/12/2023 07:50

But if you haven’t been married, and not on the deeds, you’re highly like to have no claim.

Show quote history

I'm on deeds mortgage etc

OP posts:
widowtwankywashroom · 18/12/2023 07:51

You sound very entitled!
Will your x be in when its delivered???
Will he have to sort the room out before and after?
Who is going to set the bed up, make it etc
How would you feel if your ex undermined you and just bought furniture for your house!
You are an ex for a reason - you sound unhinged

MargotBamborough · 18/12/2023 07:52

Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 07:50

Thanks for context I do understand the point about it been his place.
My friend will help me assemble the bed and take old one away.

But it's still not your house, OP.

If your ex doesn't want this piece of furniture in his house, that's his decision, regardless of who assembles it.

You are massively overstepping the mark here.

Can you have the bed at your house?

LenaLamont · 18/12/2023 07:52

Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 07:40

I just want ds to feel comfortable when he comes home is that so bad really.

Yes, that is “so bad”!

I’d be furious if I were your ex. How dare you buy furniture for someone else’s house? You have massively overstepped and you need to cancel the order and apologise to your ex.

Jellycatspyjamas · 18/12/2023 07:52

So you’ve ordered a bed, you plan to enter his house with a friend to pit the bed up - without discussion with your ex, or his agreement - and you can’t see how utterly intrusive that is?

Original poster
Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 07:52

widowtwankywashroom · 18/12/2023 07:51

You sound very entitled!
Will your x be in when its delivered???
Will he have to sort the room out before and after?
Who is going to set the bed up, make it etc
How would you feel if your ex undermined you and just bought furniture for your house!
You are an ex for a reason - you sound unhinged

Unhinged for wanting my ds to feel comfortable when he comes home

OP posts:
Sodndashitall · 18/12/2023 07:52

If my ex did that I would be really annoyed. Not your house. Not your problem. Not your place to decide what bed to put in the bedroom.
I'd cancel the order if possible.

MargotBamborough · 18/12/2023 07:53

Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 07:51

I'm on deeds mortgage etc

Show quote history

Well if you think you have a legal entitlement to any part of that house you should use the legal mechanisms available to you to get your ex to buy you out or force a sale so you can get your money out.

But you can't treat the house as though it is still your home when it isn't. And that includes buying furniture for it.

escapethemaze · 18/12/2023 07:54

Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 07:52

Unhinged for wanting my ds to feel comfortable when he comes home

Show quote history

NOT YOUR HOME!!!

Make YOUR home nice and comfortable

He is a uni student. He will lay his head wherever he damn well wants to be

Jellycatspyjamas · 18/12/2023 07:54

Unhinged for wanting my ds to feel comfortable when he comes home

You can want him to feel comfortable and be annoyed that you ex isn’t listening to him, you can’t take matters into your own hands without his agreement - that’s the unhinged part.

MargotBamborough · 18/12/2023 07:54

Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 07:52

Unhinged for wanting my ds to feel comfortable when he comes home

Show quote history

How comfortable your son feels in SOMEONE ELSE'S HOME is not your business.

Can he stay at YOUR HOME instead?

Sodndashitall · 18/12/2023 07:54

Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 07:51

I'm on deeds mortgage etc

Show quote history

You are on the mortgage for this house? That's mad so if the ex doesn't pay the mortgage you do realise you are liable?
I don't care how friendly you are, you need to properly sort out this split !

widowtwankywashroom · 18/12/2023 07:55

Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 07:52

Unhinged for wanting my ds to feel comfortable when he comes home

Show quote history

Unhinged for ordering furniture for someone else's house and expecting them to sort it out!
Your son is an adult, not a child, I am sure he can manage for a few days, if not he sorts it out with his dad!

vanillaredbushtea · 18/12/2023 07:55

Don't be ridiculous. It's well out of order to buy furniture for your ex's house without asking first. Sounds like you haven't come to terms with the separation.

WhatNoRaisins · 18/12/2023 07:56

If your ex was here we'd be telling him to get the lock changed. He's an ex for a reason and your DC is an adult who doesn't need you to coparent. You need to separate properly and live your own lives now.

vanillaredbushtea · 18/12/2023 07:57

Jellycatspyjamas · 18/12/2023 07:54

Unhinged for wanting my ds to feel comfortable when he comes home

You can want him to feel comfortable and be annoyed that you ex isn’t listening to him, you can’t take matters into your own hands without his agreement - that’s the unhinged part.

Exactly this!

It's so incredibly out of order.

Ps. Sort your financial arrangements out and get off that mortgage

WillowTit · 18/12/2023 07:57

so what will you do about the other issues your ds raised?
the cold?
being too far from the gym?

vanillaredbushtea · 18/12/2023 07:58

WillowTit · 18/12/2023 07:57

so what will you do about the other issues your ds raised?
the cold?
being too far from the gym?

Please don't buy a home gym for your ex's house!

Sirzy · 18/12/2023 07:59

So you’re going to be letting yourself into his house to do diy? There is an issue with boundaries here!

sorting out ownership of the house is a separate issue but you can’t just waltz into his home changing furniture

Needsomesupport84 · 18/12/2023 07:59

Why is your DS not staying at yours over Christmas then? Is that what the real problem is?

Original poster
Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 08:02

Needsomesupport84 · 18/12/2023 07:59

Why is your DS not staying at yours over Christmas then? Is that what the real problem is?

No room at mine 1 bed flat

OP posts:
Original poster
Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 08:03

vanillaredbushtea · 18/12/2023 07:58

Please don't buy a home gym for your ex's house!

Show quote history

I'll try not too

OP posts:
pickledandpuzzled · 18/12/2023 08:04

Wait wait- did you need to leave the family home, end up with no room for DS?

How long ago did you leave?

Do you feel ex is shafting you over the house which you still joint own?

You need to sort the finances out. Get a notification thing at the land registry so he can’t sell it without you knowing.

And sort things out. You can’t be half in and half out.

widowtwankywashroom · 18/12/2023 08:04

Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 08:03

I'll try not too

Show quote history

Why not rent him a flat closer to the gym?

Original poster
Desperatetime · 18/12/2023 08:06

Maybe I'm babying ds I just felt bad over what he said and if I discuss with ex I will get the same shitty attitude I had all the years I was with him

OP posts:
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