To think this attitude isn't on

[Desperatetime]

I'm separated from ds father but we have remained friends.
Ex could always be awkward opininated etc and it's possible ds has also picked up some of his traits although not all and ds isn't a big fan of his father either.
Ds is at university and is coming home for Christmas although he isn't too enthusiastic as he says his room is cold it's too far to the gym and his bed small single is uncomfortable I have been upset about my ex and ds attitude in recent days so go easy on me.
I've messaged ex to say I've ordered a new bed for ds and his reply was Oh fuck off your spoiling the brat and it won't be put up.
Aibu to feel I've been disrespected.

Why isn’t anyone reading OP’s posts before having a go at her?

It’s her house.

If it was for your own house, no it wouldn't be bad. But ordering furniture for someone else's property is bonkers. Did you also arrange for the old furniture collection or are you expecting your ex to sort it?
Has is actually occurred to you that your son's problem isn't the bed and he was making excuses because he didn't want to stay with your ex?
You are an overbearing parent and I am not surprised your child is spoilt (with unmet emotional needs, it seems).

So ds will stay at ex not yours? Surely what happens there, or furniture is provided is up to him. Can he not stay at yours?

How to afford that

Why aren't you reading the post yourself? She ordered furniture for her ex's house, not hers.

Unmet by his dad who has always been a arse

It is overstepping to buy a bed for someone else's house. His message was a harsh but i think his point is ok.

Ds probably just having a whinge, you don't have to make everything perfect as long as he knows he is welcome at dad's or on couch at yours.

If you heave DS the money to uU a bed I don’t think you’d get these replies.

TBH I think you have bigger issues than the bed.

He kept the house and houses your son? You need legal advice not mattresses.

Okay, stop being “friends” with this dick.
Stop ordering furniture to his house - your son will be fine.
Get the house that you jointly own valued by three estate agents this week - they can do drive-by if ex won’t play ball.
Ask for an up to date mortgage statement.
Work out a half share of the equity (or whatever proportion, eg if he already owned it beforehand, he’d normally get credit for what he put in).
Tell him to buy you out within a reasonable time period, eg 6 months or so.
If no, apply to court for an order for sale (you will get it).

Oh and cancel the bed delivery.

She may have some entitlement to some of the equity in it - there isn't enough information for any of us to say for sure - but it isn't her home. She doesn't live there. She has no say in how it should be furnished.

It's her house but it's not her home.

They need to sort out the property split asap

No, by you who instead of digging into why your son is truly uncomfortable with his dad, just throwing money at the problem and massively overstepping boundaries.

And? You don't go ordering beds to other people's houses without asking

Well then surely your priority needs to be getting any equity you believe you are entitled to out of your ex's house so you can have a bigger place.

Your DS is moaning to you about how he will be unhappy and uncomfortable over Christmas at his dad’s house, so your response-rather than ‘speak to your dad’ is to buy a new bed for your ex’s house and arrange for you and someone else to be there in his house and take over delivery, putting up and removal of a piece of his furniture?! I’d be pissed off with you as well.

I think if the child is at uni, talking about undermining someone's parenting is a bit odd.

I've had many discussions with ds about issues with his father we have spoken about it numerous times

you need to sort out room at your flat rather than interfere with his dad's accommodation

It’s more than “may be entitled to some of the equity”. She’s a joint legal owner and technically has the right to enter the house and even live there should she choose to. And she would definitely get some of the equity (possibly even half unless there have been unequal contributions).

Exactly he's an adult I thought the same

So....

You both own a house which your ex husband and son (when not at uni) both live in.

You still have the key, but pay none of the bills, and nothing has been sorted out yet about splitting the equity.

As it is still your house, you feel entitled to buy a bed for your son to sleep in for the house.

You live elsewhere - because you were kicked out or chose to leave?

Is that right?

How long ago was all this?

I wouldn’t call you unhinged, but the poster here is not referring to your desire that your DS is comfortable. Wanting good things for your children is natural and isn’t what you’re being criticized for even though many also recognise that a young adult moaning about something doesn’t necessarily mean anything needs to change.

What the poster is referring to is your actions, not your desires. Trying to change the furniture in your ex’s home, without any sort of advance agreement from him, because your DS moaned is not an appropriate thing to do. You are interfering in his home and in his relationship with his son.

Being on the mortgage or jointly owning the place is irrelevant if it’s not your home. Furnishing a place is nothing to do with ownership of the property. You don’t have any sort of right to have a say in the internal decoration.

Your ex isn’t the arse in this situation. You are.

You cannot go into your ex’s house to assemble the bed. It isn’t your house. You do understand that, don’t you? It doesn’t matter if you’re on the deeds; you don’t live there and you cannot enter the property, especially because you did it all without asking permission.

The finances are a totally separate issue and it’s time to sort that out; he needs to buy you out so see a solicitor in the new year. But cancel the bed order and do not enter your ex’s home.

So the comments from DS about the room being cold and bed too small were about his Dads house not yours? You're not wrong for wanting him to have a decent bed, but you're wrong for making decisions like that when it's not your house. His Dad is obviously a prick for not wanting his son to have a decent bed, but he's poss angry that you think you can just order stuff to his house.

Your ex and your DS both sound like a pair of moaners who, being adults, can now start to manage their own lives.

Instead of being distracted by all this trivia about beds, you could be putting all this effort and energy into sorting your life out for the better. Make sure you are looking out for your own interests - financial, emotional, etc.

I am really not being snarky. As a recovering "fixer" I can see why you did what you did, I really can. Realise though, it will get you nowhere and you will be caught in the middle and be blamed for anything that goes wrong with the bed/your ex and DS falling out/ex moaning/DS moaning.

They are adults - let them sort their own problems out.