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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

NFI - not invited, how to not be upset

188 replies

cornishone · 17/12/2023 23:16

I think I haven't been invited to something and I'm upset about it. But I don't know whether I should be or not.

I was at an event this weekend with a group of friends. As we were leaving several of them said to each other that they would see each other on Friday.

I didn't think anything of it. However my son later asked if we were going to said friend's house, because his friend (her daughter) had mentioned it.

I now don't know what to do. It will be awkward if he turns up, because then my friend will know that I know that it is happening and that I haven't been invited.

But I can't be upfront just in case DS (and me) have got the wrong end of the stick.

For context, Christmas is a really difficult time of year for me. I get that I'm maybe not much fun to be around and it's easier without me.

But I'm hurt.

OP posts:

PrancersDancer · 21/12/2023 09:45

I’ve just read the rest of the thread and your update OP 💕
I’m so sorry to hear of the passing of your child. 💔 my heartfelt condolences to you and your family x
i hope you have a lovely time whatever you do. I really don’t think your friends are really your friends though, if they can leave you out especially at this time of year 💐 xx

Quitelikeit · 21/12/2023 10:03

I am sorry for your loss op.

Why would he rather hang with you than his friend?! I find that a bit strange at 15yo?!

He should be encouraged to go and not feel bad because you were not invited

I don’t think these people can turn around and say ‘we really would have loved you to come but because of your experience your demeanour puts a dampener on things so we aren’t going to invite you’

I am being blunt there but going by your comments are you sort of implying that this is why they aren’t inviting you?

If you think it is then I feel like it is quite mean of them? If you were my friend I would absolutely understand why you had changed - I mean they could never understand it all but they could still show you compassion.

Im assuming the daughter asked permission to invite your son so the mother would know you’d find out about it?

Grammarnut · 21/12/2023 10:04

I think you are right to be hurt but the best way round this is to ignore it. Something similar once happened to me and I found out by accident. Many years later the friend who had arranged the event said how sorry she was that I had not been invited, which is fine. For now, just leave it. Do something else.

ElsieMc · 21/12/2023 10:08

Just have the best Christmas you can op. I am sure your ds can go to the party if he wants, but he is showing you compassion and loyalty. Unlike your so called friends.

Don't let this impact you op, there are kinder people out there and some good responses here. Apart from the poster who believes you should work on yourself when they need to do the same and soon.

amiold · 21/12/2023 10:15

Op you keep referring to this person as your friend... but they're not. To organise an event and not invite you because you can be a bit difficult (im thinking emotional) at this time of year is awful. You lost your child. You aren't just going to get over that and if they can't accommodate you when you're feeling down then I can't see how they're your friend. Very much a fair weather friend in my opinion.
It's like they know you'll be thinking of your little one at this time of year but instead of including you and keeping you somewhat distracted they've decided to leave you out and have you sitting wondering what you've done ... making a difficult time more difficult.
If your son wants to go let him. I'll bet she'll come with the "oh why didn't you come?!" "Well come where, 'friend'? I knew nothing about it"

Go to the pub with your other friends and try and enjoy yourself. Take care x

Janiie · 21/12/2023 10:31

'To organise an event and not invite you because you can be a bit difficult (im thinking emotional'

I don't think the op has said she can be difficult, rather Christmas can be a difficult time of the year as she has tragically lost a child. Her 'friend' should understand and want to support her and look after her.

1mabon · 21/12/2023 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mostlyoblivious · 21/12/2023 11:39

Sending you love and light this Christmas OP x

eheathk29 · 21/12/2023 12:00

Agreeing with other people that this person is not your friend. If one of my good friends had something awful like that happen to them no matter what I would still invite them and just let them know it’s okay if they would rather not come.

MyFragility · 21/12/2023 12:14

OP I hear you. I too have lost my teenage son and this time of year is so so painful. To you and to all the other posters who are also bereaved, I am so so so sorry about the loss of your child. It is the hardest tragedy and something that no parent should ever have to go through.

Sadly, some people never get it (as proved by some insensitive posters here). I don't think the UK deals with grief very very well and certainly not that of a child. A lot of people don't know how to act, what to say etc and it is much easier for them to say nothing and for us to act 'normal'. Which of course, is really difficult as losing a child changes you in a way that you can never imagine.

It is heartbreaking when we feel from some, that us bereaved parents are difficult to be around. Like other bereaved parents, I have found my circle of friends have become smaller. I also prefer to socialise in much smaller groups now or just 1:1. I think after a loss like ours, you want to surround yourself in love, compassion and understanding. I'm really pleased to hear that you have got alternative plans for that evening with other friends. Events like these show you who your true friends are.

Ladybirder · 21/12/2023 12:32

It was really hurts being left out OP. Is it just the host of this event or the whole group? Perhaps have a think over Xmas about whether you wan to stay friends with them all. Were they good friends previously? If you do want to stay friends invite the host for a coffee and say that you would like to reconnect your friendship and feel you’ve drifted apart, especially as you weren’t invited to the Xmas do. If you would like to branch out and meet new friends the new year is always a good time- lots of people join clubs looking to meet new friends in the new year so perhaps look for a new club or hobby to join, a new hobby might also help with a small part of the grief you are going through too. X

OldPerson · 21/12/2023 12:49

And as things happen. We have lost a child. I fell into a very dark pit that took some time to come out of. I really was not on the consciousness level of who invited me or us to what. Nowhere near it. If you haven't experienced that level of grief, you don't know it. What I didn't expect was the world to stop turning. It's just trying to function. And mini-steps. And going through routines until you feel able to join other people's timetables. And becoming normalised again. I may have had a partner supporting me - but there was a clear gap between retreating from the world in grief and then working your way back to normal. Maybe just personal experience. But when you stop coping. You retreat. When you're concerned about a social invite. You're already able to engage.

Nickyh1976 · 23/12/2023 14:33

I’m sorry you have such crappy friends! If you’re difficult to be around (and rightly so) then they should try to be more supportive and certainly not exclude you. Sending you my love this week. I wouldn’t mention it to them, extend your friendship circle for 2024!

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