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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

NFI - not invited, how to not be upset

188 replies

cornishone · 17/12/2023 23:16

I think I haven't been invited to something and I'm upset about it. But I don't know whether I should be or not.

I was at an event this weekend with a group of friends. As we were leaving several of them said to each other that they would see each other on Friday.

I didn't think anything of it. However my son later asked if we were going to said friend's house, because his friend (her daughter) had mentioned it.

I now don't know what to do. It will be awkward if he turns up, because then my friend will know that I know that it is happening and that I haven't been invited.

But I can't be upfront just in case DS (and me) have got the wrong end of the stick.

For context, Christmas is a really difficult time of year for me. I get that I'm maybe not much fun to be around and it's easier without me.

But I'm hurt.

OP posts:
mottytotty · 17/12/2023 23:58

StellaAndCrow · 17/12/2023 23:56

Yes, but I imagine it's because of something like she's been bereaved, and other people find it difficult to know what to say
(I don't know if it is something like that, but that's the vibes I'm getting).

Show quote history

Exactly. OP might be going through a hard time but people have automatically twisted that into OP being difficult.

mottytotty · 17/12/2023 23:59

cornishone · 17/12/2023 23:58

At the risk of drip feeding.

I'm difficult to be around because my child died.

So Christmas is hard.

I may not want to go, it's a tough week. But it hurts to be left out.

I’m so sorry, OP Sad

tomatoontoast · 18/12/2023 00:00

I think your friend realises you haven't been invited and doesn't seem to care nor intend to invite you.

Let your son go of he has been invited in his own right and don't mention it to your friend. Maybe if you are difficult to be around it leaves her in a difficult position if you ask to be invited.

I would maybe cool the friendship though.

lightisnotwhite · 18/12/2023 00:01

For context, Christmas is a really difficult time of year for me. I get that I'm maybe not much fun to be around and it's easier without me.

Is this not the crux of it? Maybe you give the impression you’d actually rather not do fun stuff rather than other people not inviting you because it’s “easier”. Have you told anyone you’d like to socialise more?

Sid077 · 18/12/2023 00:01

Just read your update, I’m very sorry for your loss. Lack of invite based on your bereavement is beyond shitty behaviour.

LinneM · 18/12/2023 00:01

mottytotty · 17/12/2023 23:58

Exactly. OP might be going through a hard time but people have automatically twisted that into OP being difficult.

Show quote history

No one has twisted anything?

Sorry for your loss OP, that sounds really hard. Even if you speak with your friends or your son says something, you’ll know you’ve only been invited because you said something. Maybe they assumed you wouldn’t want to go? It’s still shitty of them and I’d be upset too. Not sure how you should go about it though

Original poster
cornishone · 18/12/2023 00:01

Thank you @mottytotty.

It's not the first Christmas, but I feel like everyone has moved on without me.

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 18/12/2023 00:04

Im a bit confused so do you need to take/ pick up your son to the event?m
Did this girl just mention the event or did she actually invite your son?

whitebreadjamsandwich · 18/12/2023 00:05

Have an unmumnsetty hug OP. I wouldn't even be breezy - I'd just say 'x (your son) will be round for the event as y (their daughter) invited him. You'll assume your invite got lost in the post?'

They know full well they've deliberately excluded you. Don't extend any kindness to them by trying to make anything less awkward - they deserve to squirm

mottytotty · 18/12/2023 00:06

Ghentsummer · 17/12/2023 23:54

Well she did say she's not fun to be around and worries that she's difficult to be around. That poster didn't get the idea from thin air.

Show quote history

If people learn some empathy, they would realise someone saying ‘I get that I'm maybe not much fun to be around and it's easier without me’ is likely going through something bad.

Original poster
cornishone · 18/12/2023 00:06

She mentioned it to him. They are friends in their own right and often at each other's houses.

I imagine she would assume we would be invited too but no one has mentioned it

There was a natural opportunity to invite us when we saw her yesterday.

OP posts:
familyissues12345 · 18/12/2023 00:09

Oh op, I'm sorry about losing your child, that's devastating Sad

With regards to you being left out, that's pretty shitty behaviour. Have you told anyone how you feel?

Original poster
cornishone · 18/12/2023 00:10

familyissues12345 · 18/12/2023 00:09

Oh op, I'm sorry about losing your child, that's devastating Sad

With regards to you being left out, that's pretty shitty behaviour. Have you told anyone how you feel?

No. Because I don't actually know what I haven't been invited to, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 18/12/2023 00:12

If this is a general house party, as opposed to a dinner for a few, then your son should certainly go.

If you want to go, then you can text your friend - just checking, am I invited too?!

It does sound like you might have been left of the list, but it’s possible it’s just a numbers thing, or they didn’t think you’d want to.

I am very sorry for your loss, and hope people are generally supportive

grumpycow1 · 18/12/2023 00:19

Maybe text the host and say your DS has been invited and is that ok as you didn’t receive an invitation?

Mostlyoblivious · 18/12/2023 00:20

I’m so sorry OP, no parent should ever have to experience what you have. Sending my love. True friends will work out how to be around you, or at least try to if you say how you’re feeling. It is rotten you’ve been left out, I’m sorry. I would absolutely let your son go, it’s awkward for the host, not you or him. Could you contact the host and ask if your Son could contribute anything to the party like a dessert? That would open comms if you wanted to

Jas5mum · 18/12/2023 00:24

I wouldn't waste anymore time thinking about it and arrange to do something else instead like go to the cinema or get a takeaway

Treesinmygarden · 18/12/2023 00:26

cornishone · 17/12/2023 23:58

At the risk of drip feeding.

I'm difficult to be around because my child died.

So Christmas is hard.

I may not want to go, it's a tough week. But it hurts to be left out.

Huge hugs, and fuck them all. Lots of love xxx

thebestinterest · 18/12/2023 00:38

cornishone · 17/12/2023 23:58

At the risk of drip feeding.

I'm difficult to be around because my child died.

So Christmas is hard.

I may not want to go, it's a tough week. But it hurts to be left out.

OP, I am so very sorry 😞 💐

drhf · 18/12/2023 00:40

OP, that’s terrible. A lot of people have the emotional range of a paper clip and can’t cope with other people’s grief, especially the unremitting, overwhelming grief for a child. Unfortunately you’re probably right - your friends may have decided not to invite you because you are unhappy. And they may have told themselves a story about that, such as deciding that you’ve declined invitations in the past and therefore don’t really want to go this time.

The first thing I would wonder is whether that might actually be true. Do you really want to go to see these people, and do you feel able to have a good time? Or do you mostly want to feel wanted, like you are part of the group, rather than actually wanting to attend this event?

If it’s the former, I’d be tempted to talk about that with your friends - not to angle for an invitation for this weekend (maybe they have six already and can’t fit more around the table, with the kids doing pizza in front of Netflix) - but to tell them that you are starting to feel like you are ready to get back to social life, and that you’re hoping that you can all spend time together doing something fun in the new year.

But if it’s the latter, and you aren’t truly ready yet for socialising, I’d focus on that. Don’t put pressure on yourself (and your friends) to do something you’re not ready for. Spend time with a therapist, a bereavement support group, and with the kind of friends who are still able to connect with you after your unbearable loss. Give yourself time to heal. In time, if you still want them, these shallow friends of yours will still be around and still throwing the same parties - and if they aren’t, others just like them will be.

Some friends come and go in life, and fair weather friends aren’t a bad thing. There’s a season for them too. But that season might not be right now.

Squiggles23 · 18/12/2023 00:45

I’m really sorry OP, that’s awful. Completely understand how awful it must feel.

Do you actually want to go? Or are you feeling hurt?

You could get your son to msg the girl and ask if he’s invited so he can still go if he wants to. Is there one of the group you are closest too who you could speak to?

It is really hurtful to not invite you especially after what you’ve been through. I’m not surprised you are upset.

I would be tempted to reach out myself to the host and ask about it directly but it might not be the best idea 😂

Scirocco · 18/12/2023 00:50

@cornishone I'm sorry for your loss.

Forget prioritising their feelings - prioritise yours and your son's. If your son is potentially in a fragile place too at the moment, then it might be worth making contact and saying something like: "Your DD has invited my DS to this event - is he welcome to attend?". That way you can check that he's been invited and is welcome. If it sounds like he may not be welcomed and supported, you might want to suggest he doesn't go.

Then plan something nice for yourself for that night instead.

Pigsinpainauchocolat · 18/12/2023 00:51

@drhf has said everything I was thinking.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Charliebighamfan · 18/12/2023 00:56

Oh I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

MeMySonAnd1 · 18/12/2023 00:58

Op, I am very sorry for your loss. Before you do anything or feel even
more rejected, please sit and have a good conversation with yourself.

This may be all a misunderstanding but even if it is not, the real question is, do you really want to go to this event? If not, thank the universe you have got the opportunity to avoid it and do something nice instead.