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Original poster

NFI - not invited, how to not be upset

188 replies

cornishone · 17/12/2023 23:16

I think I haven't been invited to something and I'm upset about it. But I don't know whether I should be or not.

I was at an event this weekend with a group of friends. As we were leaving several of them said to each other that they would see each other on Friday.

I didn't think anything of it. However my son later asked if we were going to said friend's house, because his friend (her daughter) had mentioned it.

I now don't know what to do. It will be awkward if he turns up, because then my friend will know that I know that it is happening and that I haven't been invited.

But I can't be upfront just in case DS (and me) have got the wrong end of the stick.

For context, Christmas is a really difficult time of year for me. I get that I'm maybe not much fun to be around and it's easier without me.

But I'm hurt.

OP posts:
Notamum12345577 · 19/12/2023 16:48

cornishone · 17/12/2023 23:16

I think I haven't been invited to something and I'm upset about it. But I don't know whether I should be or not.

I was at an event this weekend with a group of friends. As we were leaving several of them said to each other that they would see each other on Friday.

I didn't think anything of it. However my son later asked if we were going to said friend's house, because his friend (her daughter) had mentioned it.

I now don't know what to do. It will be awkward if he turns up, because then my friend will know that I know that it is happening and that I haven't been invited.

But I can't be upfront just in case DS (and me) have got the wrong end of the stick.

For context, Christmas is a really difficult time of year for me. I get that I'm maybe not much fun to be around and it's easier without me.

But I'm hurt.

I think it would be good if your son goes (apart from the fact it would be a shame for him not to be able to go because of parents not being invited) because then the mum will know that you know something is going on, and it might make her think in the future not leave you out again!

Iknowtheyareusefulstorage · 19/12/2023 17:19

Bless you @cornishone x

FestiveFruitloop · 19/12/2023 17:55

AngelAurora · 17/12/2023 23:49

Sorry but if you are difficult to be around I would not invite you either. No point being hurt by it. Just get on with your life.

I've edited my post because now I've read the rest of OP's posts and realised the circumstances, your post is even more horrible than I originally thought it was. If OP hasn't got good cause to find this time of year difficult then who has?

OP I'm so sorry. 💐

ArthurbellaScott · 19/12/2023 17:55

cornishone · 18/12/2023 03:25

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon that last paragraph is very much the issue.

I feel like this is a public service announcement but .,, when you suffer a significant bereavement like mine, you lose so much more than the person who has died.

You lose yourself too. And not really, but in the eyes of other people. You become someone who needs 'handling' and people feel they need to second guess you and make decisions or judgements on your behalf. That is what I mean when I say it's difficult to be around.

So all of your last paragraph might be true, but I am capable of deciding all those things myself. That people don't see that is also an incredible loss.

It is probably more that things have evolved without me. Which again, makes me awfully sad.

OP I'm so terribly sorry. Flowers

And I know you didn't want it to be a PSA, but that note about being someone who needs to be 'handled' is in fact helpful for me in how to approach a friend who lost her child. I will think if there are ways I could avoid making any of it harder for her.

poetryandwine · 19/12/2023 18:00

I am so sorry for you , also, @2018SoFarSoGreat Hugs and best wishes.

Pluvia · 19/12/2023 18:07

OP, about 30 years ago I suffered a major complicated bereavement that felled me. People did sometimes invite me out, but I'm sure many could see how much of a struggle it was for me to shower and do my hair, put on something nice and get myself across town to parties or dinners where I would, most of the time, sit silently watching others talk and laugh as if they were aliens. I was often on the edge of tears or slightly resentful that others could be so happy while I was so deep in loss. Much of the time I felt like the spectre at the feast and regretted having gone.

I know for a fact that a couple of friends reduced their invitations because they thought they were putting me under undue stress and I've found myself thinking the same way when people I know have been having a bad time. Would inviting them put them under pressure to come and perform 'normal'? Would inviting them to an event where I knew some of the other guests might not be the most sensitive or gentle be upsetting for them? Would inviting them to a Christmas party seem frivolous and in poor taste when I knew it was the time of year they were mourning a loved-one?

I now know that grief leaves most people extraordinarily sensitive to every apparent slight or oversight. I used to feel devastated by things that I'd now laugh at. There were certain long-suffering people who couldn't do or say anything right and frankly I couldn't blame them for not inviting me.

Not saying that you haven't been excluded by omission, OP, and it sounds as if it could have been handled better. 'No pressure on you, I know this is a difficult time of year for you and I wan't sure whether you'd think an invitation to drinks at our place was appropriate. But please feel free to come if you'd enjoy it' would have been better. I will always be grateful to those who invited me out when I was a red-eyed, silent black hole of misery but I can also completely understand why a lot of them didn't and I really don't hold it against them.

Londontown12 · 19/12/2023 18:14

@cornishone i just wanted to come on and give u a big hug 🤗
I think people who haven’t been bereaved don’t actually understand peoples grief at all ! When I lost my brother at a young age most of my friends avoided me and I connected better with people who had empathy they didn’t feel sorry for me or make decisions on my behalf they treated me normally ! And for this I’ll be forever grateful for and when I wept they were still there for me , I think you may need a new circle of friends to fit in with this new version of yourself I’m afraid you will never be the person you was before you lost your precious child . Big hugs 🤗 stay strong xxxx

OhWhatToCook · 19/12/2023 18:32

F*ck me.

Isn’t Christmas about goodwill to all men, and scooping up those around you who are less fortunate than yourself and showing that you are actually a good person?

Who the hell has Christmas gatherings and says “nah, don’t invite them. They will be fun sponges because they are grieving”.

Are people really that low and have no soul?

I hope Santa brings them a turd in their stockings.

sraerae · 19/12/2023 18:42

This reply has been withdrawn

Wrong thread

CantFindMyMarbles · 19/12/2023 18:56

If son has been invited then I’d let him go. I’d just explain that you weren’t invited and leave it at that

Ilovecleaning · 19/12/2023 19:36

cornishone · 17/12/2023 23:58

At the risk of drip feeding.

I'm difficult to be around because my child died.

So Christmas is hard.

I may not want to go, it's a tough week. But it hurts to be left out.

So sorry,OP. 🌺

Catsfrontbum · 19/12/2023 20:05

I would send son. Just get him to text the Dd-

“what time shall I come over on Friday?” Or the teen speak equivalent.

then they will know that you know and honestly let them sit in those feelings.

WinterDeWinter · 19/12/2023 20:08

@cornishone I'm so so sorry that you've lost a child - that's a terrible, terrible thing to happen.

I just wanted to say that and that you sound absolutely lovely. The're - not shits, exactly, but selfish, little people and they don't deserve you.

DarkDarkNight · 19/12/2023 20:23

I don’t think it would be weird for your son to attend the event without you seeing as he is friends with the daughter. He’s been invited so it’s not like he’s gatecrashing.

I do think it’s pretty crap for your group of friends to plan an event and not invite you. Ok, groups of friends can have different dynamics and I get sometimes smaller groups may meet but it’s really insensitive for them to talk about the party in front of people who aren’t invited.

pineapplesundae · 19/12/2023 22:25

I agree. But let your son go and don’t rain on him. Let him have a good.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 19/12/2023 22:34

Sorry for your loss OP.
Hopefully you can talk to one of your friends about it all after the event.
It's sad not to be included by friends but please realise it's not you but them.

OldPerson · 19/12/2023 23:25

Maybe, maybe not about you being difficult to be around at Christmas. On the upside they're still inviting you to some things and want you to be in their social group. But maybe they also need time out from you. Difficult people can be draining and exhausting. And sometimes depressing. Why not work out if you can work on yourself so as not to be difficult to be around? Why not get a counsellor to work out if you're difficult or not? And if you are difficult, cut people some slack and let them have some fun time without you.

Catsfrontbum · 19/12/2023 23:35

Jesus Christ this has to win the prize for being the least compassionate post ever!

Shame on you.

Go get therapy to be a scintillating party guest?!? Horrible. I have heard it all now.

ThenAgain · 19/12/2023 23:51

Catsfrontbum · 19/12/2023 23:35

Jesus Christ this has to win the prize for being the least compassionate post ever!

Shame on you.

Go get therapy to be a scintillating party guest?!? Horrible. I have heard it all now.

And that’s saying something around here!

endofthelinefinally · 19/12/2023 23:54

OldPerson · 19/12/2023 23:25

Maybe, maybe not about you being difficult to be around at Christmas. On the upside they're still inviting you to some things and want you to be in their social group. But maybe they also need time out from you. Difficult people can be draining and exhausting. And sometimes depressing. Why not work out if you can work on yourself so as not to be difficult to be around? Why not get a counsellor to work out if you're difficult or not? And if you are difficult, cut people some slack and let them have some fun time without you.

Awful, awful post.

Tinkerbyebye · 20/12/2023 00:00

AngelAurora · 17/12/2023 23:49

Sorry but if you are difficult to be around I would not invite you either. No point being hurt by it. Just get on with your life.

@AngelAurora

whata nasty comment. Op is already upset why kick her when she is down?

real friends take the rough with the smooth and certainly shouldn’t be leaving someone out

WandaWonder · 20/12/2023 00:04

People have meet ups where not everyone is invited the same way, I think of that as normal, people I meet in one setting say to others 'See you on Thursday'or whatever I dont need to be included nor my child, if I am not aware of the event it means we are not invited so don't need to clarify anything - this is normal

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 20/12/2023 00:07

So sorry for your loss and understand it must be so so hard.
True friends would support you through the tough times and the good and be there for you. Maybe they just do not know how to deal with it and mean no harm at all. Ignore the horrible posters on here as they do not have any emotion, empathy or understanding.
Sending best wishes and get your son to ask his friend about the situation and if only him invited send him off happy and try not to worry and be kind to yourself as grieving so hard and I cannot even begin to understand how you are feeling. When you are feeling stronger it may help to have the support of a bereavement group or even an online group as they would understand your situation and can support you.

Dibbydoos · 20/12/2023 00:48

Your friend hasn't invited you because she can't handle your grief? Wtf sort of friend is that?

I'm really sorry @cornishone I lost my hubby and that was bad, I have no idea what losing a child would feel like, but I'd be there for a friend or even an acquaintance.

Your so called friend isn't there for you, so who is?

Kimsey1509 · 20/12/2023 01:51

I know exactly what you mean OP. My son was killed in June 2019 and we miss him so much. He was 22yrs old. It feels like everyone has moved on but you and people do treat you differently . No advice as per your predicament but hugs to you 🤗