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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

NFI - not invited, how to not be upset

188 replies

cornishone · 17/12/2023 23:16

I think I haven't been invited to something and I'm upset about it. But I don't know whether I should be or not.

I was at an event this weekend with a group of friends. As we were leaving several of them said to each other that they would see each other on Friday.

I didn't think anything of it. However my son later asked if we were going to said friend's house, because his friend (her daughter) had mentioned it.

I now don't know what to do. It will be awkward if he turns up, because then my friend will know that I know that it is happening and that I haven't been invited.

But I can't be upfront just in case DS (and me) have got the wrong end of the stick.

For context, Christmas is a really difficult time of year for me. I get that I'm maybe not much fun to be around and it's easier without me.

But I'm hurt.

OP posts:
ForTheLoveOfFriends · 18/12/2023 06:52

OP' I am so sorry for your loss. TBH I think that sometimes people can't do right for doing wrong. Because wherefor one person they want to be included, for someone else Christmas is a time to be forgotten.

When I was younger my parents had friends who lost a child, and the mum in that case went totally the other way and was extremely offended when they invited her family to a Christmas event, because she felt that it was disrespectful to celebrate Christmas around her after what she had lost. So in her case it was wrong to invite her, but how were they to know that?

If you've outwardly said and shown that Christmas is a hard time for you then it's not unreasonable of them to' think that you probably don't want to celebrate it.

It's also possible that just the kids are having a party, and "See you Friday" was aimed at the fact parents will be dropping off their kids, which doesn't apply to you as you live within walking distence.

autienotnaughty · 18/12/2023 06:56

Do you want to go or do you just want the option?
Are you happy for ds to go without you?

I would message and say "your dd has invited ds to Friday. Just checking that's ok" this gives them opportunity to extend the invite without pressuring them to.

A lot of people feel uncomfortable with grief. They will tell themselves it's better to not invite you as you won't want to go. When really it's about making themselves more comfortable.

I'm sorry for your loss op Flowers

Salacia · 18/12/2023 06:58

I honestly think you should check - I was in a similar situation recently when everyone was talking about an event that I didn’t think I’d been invited to. I messaged a friend in that group and she was very confused as the invite had been on a WhatsApp thread that I was on. Turned out I’d missed the message (must have opened it and then been distracted etc) and was invited. Equally I’ve accidentally missed people off when I’ve been sending a long list of invites and then felt awful when I realised (and quickly messaged them to apologise and say I hope they could still go!).

Mumsnet is often very quick to tell you to write off your friends for perceived slights but we’re all people, everyone can make a mistake.

If you don’t normally have any issues with this group and they’ve previously been good supportive friends then I’d be really surprised if they decided to cut you off or shun you at Christmas in such a cruel way, especially when it’s understandably a difficult time for you. Just message saying that your son has been invited, checking is it a family invite or just for him. It may be a big misunderstanding in which case no harm done. It may be that it isn’t quite the event you’re thinking it is (eg a big group party) and a smaller group have something else going on (seeing as you said it was only some friends). Or it may be that you weren’t invited to something deliberately (which may not be for the reason you think) and then you can reflect about what you want to do next, reflect on the friendship etc - but at least you’ll know for definite and won’t risk cutting friends off over a misunderstanding.

I’m sorry this is exacerbating a difficult time of year for you and whatever happens I hope you have a peaceful Christmas time.

swuahies · 18/12/2023 07:01

autienotnaughty · 18/12/2023 06:56

Do you want to go or do you just want the option?
Are you happy for ds to go without you?

I would message and say "your dd has invited ds to Friday. Just checking that's ok" this gives them opportunity to extend the invite without pressuring them to.

A lot of people feel uncomfortable with grief. They will tell themselves it's better to not invite you as you won't want to go. When really it's about making themselves more comfortable.

I'm sorry for your loss op Flowers

Sorry for your loss OP

I think this suggestion sounds perfect

Gwenhwyfar · 18/12/2023 07:02

ChateauDuMont · 18/12/2023 01:33

You've said you're difficult to be around so why would you be expected to be invited to a social gathering where people want to have a good time?

Because a friend would not exclude someone because they're grieving.

Gwenhwyfar · 18/12/2023 07:04

poetryandwine · 18/12/2023 01:41

I am surprised at the range of opinion since your bombshell update, OP.

Unless people specifically know that you don’t want to be invited - and they don’t, because that is incorrect- it seems to me that anyone halfway to being worthy of the label ‘friend’ would make a point of inviting you. (I’m assuming that when you’re ‘difficult’ you get teary or angry at your DC’s death, maybe drink too much, etc, not that you climb onto the hosts’ roof and threaten to jump).

I am very, very sorry for your loss

There was no bombshell update. It was hinted at from the beginning. When people say Christmas is a difficult time for them, it's often because they've lost a family member.

FeetupTvon · 18/12/2023 07:08

So sorry for your loss.
If they were saying around you “see you on Friday” I’m sure it’s not intentional that you’ve been left out. Otherwise they would be hiding it from you.
Maybe they are assuming you wouldn’t want to go or simply they thought each other had asked you- or possibly had asked your son to ask you and whoever it was has forgotten.

Corgiowner · 18/12/2023 07:12

OP I’m so sorry that you have experienced the terrible trauma of a child dying.
Assuming the number are not limited due to logistics then it may as some people have said you were not in invited because people feel awkward about your grief. This isn’t right but it’s very common exactly the same thing has happened to my friend who son died. In which case I personally would wait till after Xmas and address this with your friends in a calm way perhaps starting out with the one that you are closest too.
Or the alternative: MN is full of people posting on here that they are the only one in their “friendship” group who’ve not be invited to various activities who haven’t been bereaved, there are some pretty unkind people out there, some who enjoy deliberately excluding one person. Maybe this has happened to you (it happened to me years ago).
The final question is would you want to go if you challenged the host now and forced her hand into inviting you? Personally I wouldn’t.

GreatCaribouMigration · 18/12/2023 07:15

I really don't get why people do this sort of thing, so hurtful. I mean how hard is it to extend an invite, saying 'I understand this is a difficult time of year and you may not feel like socialising but we would love to see you if you feel up to it.' I could never fathom just not inviting a friend in this scenario.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. As other's have said - you shouldn't feel awkward you didn't create this situation you have no responsibility to resolve it or to try and make others feel comfortable. I would just let your son go (if he wants to) and let it play out.

Ponderingwindow · 18/12/2023 07:18

I am sorry for your loss. The grief must be unimaginable. In this situation, I think it is important to remember that your son is dealing with his own bereavement. He needs normalcy and connection at this peak time just as much as you. If he has a party to attend with his friends, don’t stand in his way because there is overlap with your own.

coffeestrongblacknosugar · 18/12/2023 07:21

Firstly OP I am so very sorry for your loss. It must be devastating - understatement of the century.

There seem to be 2 school of thought here - the 'let them' and the have a discussion. In this case, seeing as they are good friends I would have a chat.

I am going to guess that your friends have made an assumption that you won't want to attend and didnt ask you. However, if you now feel up to socialising around this time of year then you need to tell them this. Why not give your friend a call, meet for a coffee and have a conversation, say all the things you have said here and that you would like to go on Friday.

That way your cards are on the table and your friend knows how you feel. I remember being in a situation years ago where I wasn't invited to something because my very good friend assumed that I wouldn't want to go. We talked and I got an apology and an invitation.

I wanted to decide for myself and actually did go and had a great time.

I hope you get the same outcome.

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 18/12/2023 07:54

Is it possible that you're not the only who wasn't invited? The problem with large frienship groups is that everyone expects to be invited to everything and it gets awkward when a smaller gathering is arranged

Asifiwouldnt · 18/12/2023 08:04

First of all I’m so very sorry for your loss OP. I simply cannot imagine the pain.

Secondly even without the significant background story I would be hurt and find that situation awkward and upsetting too.

Being left out stings even as an adult and sends you right back to those playground emotions. For you to have to then consider it might be that you have been purposefully excluded due to your very appropriate emotions is extra cruel.

I don’t think you can ask however. If that did generate an invite you would always doubt its authenticity.

I think however your son could say to his friend if he is still welcome on his own as your family haven’t had a family invite. That might clarify things.

We have to remember that parties or events can be limited by all sorts of things like numbers, something in common between guests, the hosts thoughts on who will gel etc and your exclusion might not be on the basis at all of what you fear or the group might not actually be totally inclusive of all your friends.

Tale care OP. You are fully allowed to have raw emotions at this or any other time of the year and you can also choose your friends based on who is kind about that fact.

Original poster
cornishone · 18/12/2023 08:05

Thanks everyone. It has all been helpful.

I think I need to leave it, at least for a day or two.

It's definitely not an oversight, but I think I just need to accept that I'm no longer in the 'inner group' that I used to be in.

I probably wouldn't want to go anyway, but I'm frustrated that I'm finding everything so hard.

OP posts:
hugohumbug · 18/12/2023 08:13

Because you don't know what you've not been invited to, I'd assume it's something they know you wouldn't want to go to.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

If it helps, your title (NFI) made me laugh so I'd definitely invite you to my party if I had one.

Weddingpuzzle · 18/12/2023 08:20

I think most people have covered your original AIBU OP so I am not going to go into it but I just wanted to pick up on your frustration that you are finding everything so hard. I feel so upset for you that you are feeling like that.

You have lost your child, it really is the biggest loss anyone could face, you are finding everything that comes with losing a child hard because it is hard, the hardest thing in life. I lost a twin in pregnancy. I have found it really hard and my other daughter didn't get to live a life with me, I didn't 'know' her but I just can't get frustrated with myself and they way I have dealt with it because nobody has given me a manual, blueprint or rulebook to follow on how to deal with having a gap in my DD's life where her sister should be? How can I berate myself for treading a path nobody else can tell me how to navigate? Grief is a life course piece of work that nobody is marking you on and nobody (who is worth anything) is measuring if you are doing it right or wrong because there is no tool to measure that! You don't deserve to beat yourself up or be frustrated with yourself, you have been through enough Flowers

Newnamesameoldlurker · 18/12/2023 08:30

Mostlyoblivious · 18/12/2023 00:20

I’m so sorry OP, no parent should ever have to experience what you have. Sending my love. True friends will work out how to be around you, or at least try to if you say how you’re feeling. It is rotten you’ve been left out, I’m sorry. I would absolutely let your son go, it’s awkward for the host, not you or him. Could you contact the host and ask if your Son could contribute anything to the party like a dessert? That would open comms if you wanted to

I like this idea.
I'm incredibly sorry to hear of your loss OP. You need extra love and inclusion at Christmas after such a horrific loss- shitty your friends haven't included you.

EatingSleeping · 18/12/2023 08:33

I'm so sorry for your loss. Of course you're fundamentally changed by losing a child, so please don't heap more on yourself by being cross with yourself.

We can all second guess why you aren't invited (and I wondered at first if they thought it was kinder not to but then I decided that was ridiculous and actually quite patronising and cruel). Bottom line is friends make space to hold all of a person, not just the shiny bits on shiny days. So they are behaving in a really shitty way. Because they could just have easily given the choice and remembered your child with you. We are so terrible at death and grieving culturally in the UK I wonder whether that makes it so much harder for those who are grieving.

Please be really kind to yourself these next weeks. Grief is always there of course but holidays can make it harder.

Janiie · 18/12/2023 08:40

I'm so sorry op Flowers.

To have to cope with losing a child is of course an ongoing nightmare but then so called friends that should understand, should support you and get it just turn the other way because it is easier.

I hope your ds doesn't go, parties aren't everything but showing love and support is.

I hope you manage to have a peaceful few days. Stupid people just aren't worth it though of course it hurts so much.

If you lived near me I'd have you round for a mince pie and a sherry.

wherethewildthingsgo · 18/12/2023 08:42

I'm sorry but I think if you haven't been invited then that's just the way it is. The host probably only wanted a smaller gathering and perhaps invited a small number of friends she thought get on the best or have the most in common (or something). Your other friends saying "see you on Friday" clearly weren't aware you hadn't been invited. But I don't think you can invite yourself along. Sometimes you get invited to stuff and sometimes you don't. Unless it's a well established group of say 4 couples and you're the only couple not invited or it's your best mate and you haven't been invited then I think it's just one of those things.

I don't think it has anything to do with your child having died. I'm terribly sorry for that. It must be an awful time for you and I can imagine why you're feeling sensitive.

Janiie · 18/12/2023 08:56

'I'm sorry but I think if you haven't been invited then that's just the way it is. The host probably only wanted a smaller gathering and perhaps invited a small number of friends she thought get on the best or have the most in common'

Yes the op seems to understand that it is what it is but she has every right to be hurt by it.

Anyone reading this who hs arranged get togethers and left people out, those who have a difficult time over Christmas because they are inconveniently bereaved or have other problems just be a nice person.

Without being cheesy reach out! never mind who has the most in common or whatever, rather who may need a bit of cheery company. Just do better.

Shefliesonherownwings · 18/12/2023 09:12

endofthelinefinally · 18/12/2023 03:46

I am so sorry OP. I lost my child. I get it and agree with everything you said. Nothing is ever the same. Christmas is still very hard. Flowers

I also lost my child OP and know how hard this time of year is. All your posts resonate and I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. No advice as it’s so hard to navigate all this but I hear you and feel you. Hugs.

Grannyd47 · 18/12/2023 09:21

You are not "difficult to be around". Your child died; you are very sad because of this.
I understand completely, my child (in 40s) died 10 years ago and Xmas is still really hard time for us. Xmas, the birthday, the death day all especially hard. While some people are really kind, others think I should get over it,or even cut off contact, because they cant face thinking about it.
Be kind to yourself, give yourself and son especial nice time. Do things you find really comforting. I am so sorry for your loss

Beautiful3 · 18/12/2023 09:23

It's happened to me to. Yes it's very hurtful, when you believe you're all close friends, but something's altered. I'd encourage your son to still go, but explain that you haven't been invited. But don't act sad, just say you're not really bothered anyway. I'm sorry and hope you make nicer friends.

AlisonMoyetz2 · 18/12/2023 09:25

OP, they don't sound like very good or supportive friends knowing how hard this time of year would be for you and that you would probably welcome the extra support.

I cannot even begin to imagine what you have been through or how it feels/felt. I just want to say you are so incredibly strong and wish I could give you a big hug! if you were my friend, I'd have an open door policy for you and your family in and out of my house at any time you felt you needed support or a chat or a cry.

It's beyond awful of them to exclude you and I think you should raise it to them in a couple of days time.