NFI - not invited, how to not be upset

[cornishone]

I think I haven't been invited to something and I'm upset about it. But I don't know whether I should be or not.

I was at an event this weekend with a group of friends. As we were leaving several of them said to each other that they would see each other on Friday.

I didn't think anything of it. However my son later asked if we were going to said friend's house, because his friend (her daughter) had mentioned it.

I now don't know what to do. It will be awkward if he turns up, because then my friend will know that I know that it is happening and that I haven't been invited.

But I can't be upfront just in case DS (and me) have got the wrong end of the stick.

For context, Christmas is a really difficult time of year for me. I get that I'm maybe not much fun to be around and it's easier without me.

But I'm hurt.

@Janiie I totally agree. I've been left out of things before and I find it extremely hurtful and upsetting. I personally find it very triggering and it's hard to understand why you've been left out- you start beating yourself up and blaming yourself for not being invited. I'm not minimising those feelings at all. But a lot of people have suggested the OP should ring her friend or try and invite herself somehow- I was just trying to suggest that might not be the best response.

The OP should try not to take it personally if possible. Unless her friends are deeply unkind then it would be cruel of them to not invite her because she finds this time of year difficult. Ideally she has some closer friends who will be around to support her properly during this time which is what she absolutely needs, not finger buffets and small talk with people who may not prioritise her in the way she deserves.

That's the harsh reality. They have moved on

People want tohave fun at Christmas they don't want to be tip-toeing around, watching everything they say or do in case it upsets you

Why don't you speak to them. Say something light along the lines of looking forward to the giggles, what shall I bring? Are we doing a secret Santa?

Or something that fits what is planned, phrase it like you're looking forward to having a laugh alternatively if you dint want to go send your son so he can have fun and you stick on a cracking Xmas movie

Maybe they know its a tough week?

Please don't be upset.
I had to learn that I'm not going to be invited to every party. And that's absolutely fine. I know it's hard when your child asks if they can go as the friend has mentioned it. Maybe do what I did. I nicely explained that we can't attend every party and not always we would be invited. And it's same for the other children/parents.
I remember when my daughter had her 1st proper birthday with school friends. I simply couldn't invite all of them. Even if I wanted. As it cost me a fortune. And same with any other parties. We weren't invited to some of them. And I'm completely ok with it. I know it's hard and you would want your child or even yourself to attend. I remember it was very hard for me when I was in this situation for the first time. But have an open mind. Maybe just to lift your child's spirit,just say that maybe you could do something else instead with your child?

Send something small along with DS so he can say "it's from mum, says hope you have a lovely evening", just softening the way for next time?
Might even say "run home and get her - presumed she was coming with you?!"

'Please don't be upset. I had to learn that I'm not going to be invited to every party'

Yes, yes it is fine but the op's friends should have some awareness that Christmas is a difficult time for her and look after her a bit.

Not much advice OP but big hugs

Please be kind to yourself. Please don’t be frustrated at yourself. You are here and still standing, raising a teen and managing to function - you are doing phenomenally well.

I feel like you may not have read the rest of the thread before posting your response @Minimummm?

Just let it go op. These are unkind people. I was excluded from neighbourhood events after I fell foul of a queen bee neighbour. I had done nothing to her at all but from the get go she did not like me - you could actually feel the vibe of hostility. It meant we watched people go to get togethers whilst we were excluded. But I examined did I really enjoy going and the answer was a resounding no.

Sadly a friend told me that people actually crossed the street to avoid her when she lost her child. I called to see her and she said I was one of the few who had bothered. Because people cannot face this level of grief sadly op. Same when my dad died very suddenly when I was young. You find out who your real friends are and you are both surprised and sometimes disappointed.

You have done absolutely nothing and for them to add an additional worry this year is beyond unkind. Just look after yourself and your family.

Oh cornishone. Nothing is ever the same after you lose a child. Your life before is like another world, life after is painful, difficult, uphill. I lost a lot of friends. I am not the sociable, helpful, always available person I was. Some thoughtless people upset me so much I just can't be bothered with them. I have made some new friends, some of them bereaved parents. I feel safe with them. My health broke down completely and there are many things I can no longer do. Each day is a challenge, but I appreciate every small kindness from people who do "get it". I do understand that some people don't know what to say or do. Sometimes it is a matter of communicating with one or two people in a group and hoping they will share with others. The kindest people will find a way to ask you what you need. I hope that over time things will get a bit easier. I am 7 years along this hard road. It is a little better, most of the time. Your son needs to know that he can socialise and pick up the threads again though. He will be torn, but it is important, just very hard for you.

Tone deaf.

@endofthelinefinally .

I agree with this. It sounds like OP would just like the option to go, rather than not being invited at all.

Perhaps this is a conversation you could have with them in the new year OP? Unless there's a reason for not inviting such as you drinking too much etc, if they're leaving you out because they think it's kinder not to put any expectation on you, say you'd love to be given the chance to attend events in the future, even if you don't feel able when it comes to it.

@Minimummm it's usually wise to read OP posts before forming your response.

@AntiStuff you are probably right. I posted my thing before even seeing other replies. I just didn't see those other replies. And I'm new to this as well. I mean just in general the overall thought is there. And I was just trying to lift someone's spirit. Not here to be jumped on for it. 😁

@endofthelinefinally Not tone deaf. You are very rude. I'm just new to this. I saw the conversation and wanted to try to make someone feel better. Not being attacked. You seem tone deaf tho. 😁

"lift her spirits"? She has lost her child FFS.

After everything that has been said on this thread about the pain and anguish experienced by those of us who have lost our children, about the hurt and distress inflicted by other people's words and actions you post this?

To me, it sounds like it’s more likely to be a misunderstanding and oversight.

Unless OP has done some things in past which have made social events extremely difficult for other people, then it’s unlikely that a friendship group deliberately leave someone out who has been bereaved.

I think we either don’t have the full story and OP has fallen out with these people or is essentially not in touch with them and there’s stuff that explains the lack of invitation, or it’s a misunderstanding.

OP, you can ask…or if you choose not to,you’ll never know if it was simply an oversight and no doubt feel resentment to this group. In my mind,it’d be best to check to avoid the latter happening if it’s not necessary.

Text ‘Hi there. DS mentioned he’s been invited by X to yours tonight. Is it just the kids this year - wanted to check. Hope you’re having a good run-up to Christmas’

They have an opportunity to say just kids….and perhaps it actually is. Or to apologise if you’ve not received an invitation, or to say something something else.

OP, are you on good terms with these people? If you are, being left out seems odd and unlikely to be honest.

I think you probably are invited and you should go. Your son obviously thinks he's invited. Many heartfelt condolences on your bereavement, it never goes away, grief just becomes easier to manage as time passes.

Is it possible that it's just a party for the teens and your friends said 'see you Friday' because they live further away and will need to drop/ pick? It is really odd and next-level crappy to be so transparent about something you've excluded someone from - and to not extend an invite if you know that their child will likely be invited? Would they be likely to be so ill-mannered?

I would say your son should go if he wants to or it will get more awkward and he shouldn't be implicated in any adult shenanigans. Am praying for some misunderstanding here. If not then as I say to my kids 'we can't be invited to everything'. Take a deep breath, let it go. And if you are particularly close with any of the adult invitees talk to them about it after the event?

I'm so sorry, OP. I feel for you. I remember when I had a bereavement, the Christmas invitations were few and far between that year. Human nature, I guess. I'd try really hard to shrug it off, and let any awkwardness rest where it should, on those whose behaviour doesn't show much Christmas spirit.

If it’s really bothering you-and I’ve been in this predicament and it sucks!- maybe message said friend and say “hey! DS mentioned a get together with the kids on Friday? Not sure if you know anything about it? I’m happy to drop him off if it’s something that’s going ahead, let me know x” that’s polite and ‘breezy’ I think?

@cornishone I'm so very sorry. I understand how difficult it is to want to be included but unsure if you can even attend, if invited. The holidays are incredibly difficult, as I'm learning this first one since losing my daughter. I too have seen the invitations dry up, and those I have received have caused me days and days of stress beforehand, and most I've been unable to manage. I'm still at the stage of curling into a ball at every opportunity.

Just be kind to yourself. I hope your friends are not intentionally cutting you out - and it is clear from responses on this thread that not everyone is equipped to know how/what to do or say in this situation.

Hugs. I hope this works itself out before Friday.