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Original poster

NFI - not invited, how to not be upset

188 replies

cornishone · 17/12/2023 23:16

I think I haven't been invited to something and I'm upset about it. But I don't know whether I should be or not.

I was at an event this weekend with a group of friends. As we were leaving several of them said to each other that they would see each other on Friday.

I didn't think anything of it. However my son later asked if we were going to said friend's house, because his friend (her daughter) had mentioned it.

I now don't know what to do. It will be awkward if he turns up, because then my friend will know that I know that it is happening and that I haven't been invited.

But I can't be upfront just in case DS (and me) have got the wrong end of the stick.

For context, Christmas is a really difficult time of year for me. I get that I'm maybe not much fun to be around and it's easier without me.

But I'm hurt.

OP posts:
OnTheRoll · 20/12/2023 02:38

I am so sorry Kimsey FlowersFlowersFlowers

Pomvit · 20/12/2023 06:19

Why not just ask the daughters mum. X has invited my son to an event on Friday but I’m not sure what it is?

surely if they were being mean and trying to keep it a secret the wouldn’t have blatantly
mentioned in front of you?

Clare26 · 20/12/2023 19:43

I saw this the other day… It does come across as harsh and it isn’t intended that way at all. Of course if hurts not to be invited to something but also, some things we have to let go of. Please think about whether it’s right to ask your son to text. Getting the kids involved isn’t ideal. I hope you are ok and Christmas isn’t too painful this year.
I read once that the grief suffered by a parent is like being stuck on an island. Your friends and your old life are on the mainland and you watch from the island, whilst trying to figure out your new life.

NFI - not invited, how to not be upset
RumbleMum · 20/12/2023 21:00

cornishone · 18/12/2023 03:25

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon that last paragraph is very much the issue.

I feel like this is a public service announcement but .,, when you suffer a significant bereavement like mine, you lose so much more than the person who has died.

You lose yourself too. And not really, but in the eyes of other people. You become someone who needs 'handling' and people feel they need to second guess you and make decisions or judgements on your behalf. That is what I mean when I say it's difficult to be around.

So all of your last paragraph might be true, but I am capable of deciding all those things myself. That people don't see that is also an incredible loss.

It is probably more that things have evolved without me. Which again, makes me awfully sad.

It’s an utterly inadequate thing to say but I am so, so sorry about your child, @cornishone.

People are just awful at grief. My friend’s son died this year and I’ve been really shocked at the knots people tie themselves into to avoid the family and the subject and to endlessly second guess what the parents need.

I feel like two things ought to be patently obvious a) we cannot possibly know what a grieving parent wants or needs, so we can only ask, or make suggestions and see how they feel, and b) if you are not prepared to deal with a friend’s grief at a social gathering, you are not a good friend.

I hope you have other support and I can only imagine the feeling the world is moving on while you cannot is extremely painful. 💐

RumbleMum · 20/12/2023 21:10

Kimsey1509 · 20/12/2023 01:51

I know exactly what you mean OP. My son was killed in June 2019 and we miss him so much. He was 22yrs old. It feels like everyone has moved on but you and people do treat you differently . No advice as per your predicament but hugs to you 🤗

I know it’s not the Mumsnet way, but sending hugs and thoughts your way 💐

Alwaytired44 · 20/12/2023 23:34

LinneM · 17/12/2023 23:52

Oh no that’s so annoying. The app sounds ridiculous😂

Anyway to respond to your post, I personally wouldn’t say anything. Is they’ve purposely not invited you then it’s putting them in an awkward position to ask them outright. If your son is going then they must know that you’d eventually know about it?

Show quote history

This is exactly why she should ask them outright! Is she not entitled to ask why she’s the only one from the friend group not invited? If they feel awkward then that’s on them!

LinneM · 20/12/2023 23:35

Alwaytired44 · 20/12/2023 23:34

This is exactly why she should ask them outright! Is she not entitled to ask why she’s the only one from the friend group not invited? If they feel awkward then that’s on them!

Show quote history

If I know that I’ve been left out of something, there’s no way I’m going to ask why. So that they can invite me because they’ve been pulled up on it? No thanks!

Alwaytired44 · 20/12/2023 23:40

ChateauDuMont · 18/12/2023 01:33

You've said you're difficult to be around so why would you be expected to be invited to a social gathering where people want to have a good time?

Because a true friend wouldn’t leave you out in your time of need!!

Alwaytired44 · 21/12/2023 00:05

LinneM · 20/12/2023 23:35

If I know that I’ve been left out of something, there’s no way I’m going to ask why. So that they can invite me because they’ve been pulled up on it? No thanks!

Show quote history

You wouldn’t have to accept the invite but I just don’t understand why anyone would allow themselves to be treated like that. By not addressing it, you’re literally enabling their behaviour.

LinneM · 21/12/2023 00:56

Alwaytired44 · 21/12/2023 00:05

You wouldn’t have to accept the invite but I just don’t understand why anyone would allow themselves to be treated like that. By not addressing it, you’re literally enabling their behaviour.

Show quote history

It’s not allowing myself to be treated like anything. If someone purposely leaves me out of something then I’m not bringing it up to them so I can look like I’m begging for an invite. I’d either distance myself or bring it up to then afterwards and distance myself anyway.

It’s not enabling anything. People are allowed to not invite people to an event. Those same people are allowed to deal with that accordingly

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 21/12/2023 06:25

cornishone · 17/12/2023 23:58

At the risk of drip feeding.

I'm difficult to be around because my child died.

So Christmas is hard.

I may not want to go, it's a tough week. But it hurts to be left out.

Oh love i am so sorry.
Fwiw I've been through the same. I have friends who distanced themselves from me too, especially when he just passed. The first Christmas was unbearable, the second was OK and now I can honestly say I do enjoy Christmas again, but for those friends for whom I was too much work, we aren't close anymore. People don't get to not support you or exclude you thinking they're doing right. The friends I have who supported me and stayed my people are friends I would give my life for. My circle may be smaller but they're good people and we enjoy doing things together.
People do not have a fucking clue the pain of losing a child unless they've been there themselves

I hope you're doing OK OP.

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 21/12/2023 07:14

@RumbleMum i am so sorry for your loss xxx

Viviennemary · 21/12/2023 07:27

mottytotty · 17/12/2023 23:51

That’s a bit mean, OP never said she was difficult to be around. Why would you say that?

Show quote history

OP did say she might be difficult to be around. (11.26). Anyway good friends shouldn't exclude people. But not everybody can be invited to everything. Depends how many in the group. It gets a bit tiresome if you can't have one or two folk without inviting the whole pack. Depends on the set up whether they were being mean or not.

Viviennemary · 21/12/2023 07:29

I'm sorry I didn't read your last post. Should I ask for my post to be deleted. That's just awful. I am so sorry about your child.

ChanelNo19EDT · 21/12/2023 07:53

I just want to validate your right to feel hurt. I'm always on the periphery even in my own family and it's often painful. I always hear about or sense the events I@m not invited to. And I don't have a child who has died. As I get older, I have less interest in forced positivity. I hope you're ok OP, it must feel like a bit like being kicked when you're down. x

Original poster
cornishone · 21/12/2023 08:00

Thank you everyone. This really has made me feel a lot better.

Im sending love to all of you who have lost your own children too and have taken the time to reply.

We've been invited out by some other friends now, for a drink in the pub if we feel like it, so I'm not going to ask this friend about it.

If DS wants to go he is free to, although at the moment he says he'll rather come with us.

It feels like a lot to hold together at the moment but hopefully we'll manage to have a nice time for parts of it.

OP posts:
Catsfrontbum · 21/12/2023 08:02

I think going for a drink would be really nice with a smaller number of people. Love a cosy pub.

Enjoy the happy moments when they come and wishing you lots of love.

PepperIsHere · 21/12/2023 08:05

cornishone · 21/12/2023 08:00

Thank you everyone. This really has made me feel a lot better.

Im sending love to all of you who have lost your own children too and have taken the time to reply.

We've been invited out by some other friends now, for a drink in the pub if we feel like it, so I'm not going to ask this friend about it.

If DS wants to go he is free to, although at the moment he says he'll rather come with us.

It feels like a lot to hold together at the moment but hopefully we'll manage to have a nice time for parts of it.

That's a good plan. Stay strong, you're doing so well. And you're allowed to feel however you feel. X

Zebedee55 · 21/12/2023 08:27

OldPerson · 19/12/2023 23:25

Maybe, maybe not about you being difficult to be around at Christmas. On the upside they're still inviting you to some things and want you to be in their social group. But maybe they also need time out from you. Difficult people can be draining and exhausting. And sometimes depressing. Why not work out if you can work on yourself so as not to be difficult to be around? Why not get a counsellor to work out if you're difficult or not? And if you are difficult, cut people some slack and let them have some fun time without you.

Wow.

The two worst things that can happen are the loss of a child or the loss of a much loved husband/wife.

It mentally destroys you, and physically exhausts you, especially at first, and especially at certain times of the year - including Christmas.

It’s not a case of “working on yourself” - it’s a case of hoping that time really does heal you a bit. But, there are always moments when the grief comes crashing back in.

Even if you don’t feel up to attending certain things, it’s nice to know that family/friends are thinking about you, and trying to be there.

I’m glad that I haven’t been around anyone like you this year.😡

OP - so sorry for you loss, and some of us obviously do get how you’re feeling.💐

Alwaytired44 · 21/12/2023 08:59

LinneM · 21/12/2023 00:56

It’s not allowing myself to be treated like anything. If someone purposely leaves me out of something then I’m not bringing it up to them so I can look like I’m begging for an invite. I’d either distance myself or bring it up to then afterwards and distance myself anyway.

It’s not enabling anything. People are allowed to not invite people to an event. Those same people are allowed to deal with that accordingly

Show quote history

People are allowed to not invite other people to an event but if they’re close friends then they’re also allowed to be called out on it and asked why.

ButterBastardBeans · 21/12/2023 09:21

Could in not be something the youngsters are doing? If the daughter of that household invited your son, it might be a gathering of people their age?

Fernsfernsferns · 21/12/2023 09:24

cornishone · 21/12/2023 08:00

Thank you everyone. This really has made me feel a lot better.

Im sending love to all of you who have lost your own children too and have taken the time to reply.

We've been invited out by some other friends now, for a drink in the pub if we feel like it, so I'm not going to ask this friend about it.

If DS wants to go he is free to, although at the moment he says he'll rather come with us.

It feels like a lot to hold together at the moment but hopefully we'll manage to have a nice time for parts of it.

Good for you.

The one suggestion I’d make is, have you let these friends know that what would support you at this time of year is to be invited, as it makes you feel included, even though you may not attend?

as it sounds like that what you are saying you’d like.

thats fairly nuanced though and as you also said ‘you know you’re hard to be around this time of year’ that you are a few years into grief?

i think / hope it’s better known these days that inviting a grieving friend even if they Don’t come is the right thing to do.

but if for several years you ve declined I can see why the host might have taken on board that it’s too hard for you and it’s more tactful not to ask in the first place.

ive learned from Mumsnet that some people grieving a shocking loss have moments each year when they withdraw even many years after their loss.

and sometimes post on here about being upset they HAVE been invited to something on or close to a date that has significance for them.

people are different in how they respond.

my parents lost their first child, so I know something about the post loss life, but that wasn’t them. My mum still says when she feels it isn’t usually related to particular dates.

if the support you need is for friends to keep inviting you even when you decline, as it makes you feel included, maybe you need to let them know that?

OhWhatToCook · 21/12/2023 09:24

We've been invited out by some other friends now, for a drink in the pub if we feel like it, so I'm not going to ask this friend about it.

The person who has not asked you to their party is NOT your friend. Remember that when you feel stronger.

I am going through something at the moment. I was in an accident and I am surprised at who has contacted me directly to see if I was OK, and who hasn't. It has made me feel very upset.

Don't waste your time on people who are too selfish to extend the hand of friendship at the time of year when we are all meant to be at our most generous and benevolent.

Next year I will be looking for new friends!

Sweettooth33 · 21/12/2023 09:28

My child died OP and his birthday is in January. If you are like me, Christmas is not the happiest time of year. I think that I am flat over Christmas. I get you. Your friends, like mine, are probably sensitised to this. Do not be hurt. It is par for the course with bereaved parents.

PrancersDancer · 21/12/2023 09:32

Can you act like you’re a bit forgetful? And just ask friend in a breezy way if you have plans together on Friday?
not stretching it really as there’s always lots going on this time of year and you’ve said you’re not having a great time at the mo anyway x