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Original poster

NFI - not invited, how to not be upset

188 replies

cornishone · 17/12/2023 23:16

I think I haven't been invited to something and I'm upset about it. But I don't know whether I should be or not.

I was at an event this weekend with a group of friends. As we were leaving several of them said to each other that they would see each other on Friday.

I didn't think anything of it. However my son later asked if we were going to said friend's house, because his friend (her daughter) had mentioned it.

I now don't know what to do. It will be awkward if he turns up, because then my friend will know that I know that it is happening and that I haven't been invited.

But I can't be upfront just in case DS (and me) have got the wrong end of the stick.

For context, Christmas is a really difficult time of year for me. I get that I'm maybe not much fun to be around and it's easier without me.

But I'm hurt.

OP posts:
HikingforScenery · 18/12/2023 01:14

I’m so sorry, OP. This must be so hard for you 💐

MariaLuna · 18/12/2023 01:14

We live within walking distance so need to drop off or pick up.

Why, if they are "older teens"?!

You sound anxious.

Maybe they had to put a limit on numbers, not surprising at any time and now especially with COL expenses.

Don't take it to heart. Invite her over for a coffee after Christmas.

It's a stressful time of year. not helped by world politics going on

MariaLuna · 18/12/2023 01:22

I'm difficult to be around because my child died.

That must be the most difficult thing ever to happen to a parent. I'm so sorry it happened to you OP.

You have to make peace with it though, in whichever way. Not that you ever maybe will. But I get that other people do not want to be reminded of it always.

ChateauDuMont · 18/12/2023 01:33

You've said you're difficult to be around so why would you be expected to be invited to a social gathering where people want to have a good time?

Legoroses · 18/12/2023 01:34

Jesus Christ. The British cannot cope with death at all, can they?

You know, you will all mourn, and you will all die? And insisting that people stay at home when they have lost people they love, stay at home when they're 'not ready to socialise', 'get over it' - is nonsense. Inhuman, crazy, life-denying shite. It is actually lovely and normal and decent and humane to see people who are your friends when they are sad and when they are happy. It is good to have a cry in the kitchen with your mates. It is good to tell stories about the dead, to keep them with you and remember the best bits of life.

OP. Go and do complicated, sad and brilliant life. I don't expect you to stay inside until some time when you can be trusted to not remind others that we are going to die.

poetryandwine · 18/12/2023 01:41

I am surprised at the range of opinion since your bombshell update, OP.

Unless people specifically know that you don’t want to be invited - and they don’t, because that is incorrect- it seems to me that anyone halfway to being worthy of the label ‘friend’ would make a point of inviting you. (I’m assuming that when you’re ‘difficult’ you get teary or angry at your DC’s death, maybe drink too much, etc, not that you climb onto the hosts’ roof and threaten to jump).

I am very, very sorry for your loss

ChateauDuMont · 18/12/2023 02:03

Sorry, I missed the bit about your child's death when I posted my previous comment.

Pigsinpainauchocolat · 18/12/2023 02:08

@MariaLuna I think it's a typo and OP meant to say "NO need to pick up /drop off"

Sleepapneaproblems · 18/12/2023 02:08

I think your friends have been awful here and I couldn’t read and run. I am so sorry for your loss, no parent should ever have to experience this. I’m tearful just reading your update. I am sending so much warmth and hugs. I hope your friends, or other friends, will make sure to include you and remember that you deserve to smile more than ever. Xx

Hopingforbettertimesoon · 18/12/2023 02:15

Hugs OP I hope you have others around to support you.

I think this is really difficult- I hope it was just an oversight and she forgot to ask you. I think you could just ask your friend and say you would like to go.

may you have strength OP and true friendship and support.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 18/12/2023 02:47

It does sound like not everyone had been invited - you say that several friends said to each other that they would see them on fri, not all.

What sort of event were you at ? was it a social one i.e. a group of friends out for a meal ? or was it at the end of a football match that all the children were playing in ?

You need to know exactly what the daughter said to your son - was it along the lines of ' see you on Fri at our Christmas party ' ? or ' are you coming to our Christmas party on Friday ' ?'

The daughter may have thought that your son was invited, she may have thought you are both invited. She may have been inviting your son.
She may not have been inviting your son.

It is possible that neither of you are invited.

It could be a numbers thing ?

or it could be thought / felt it was not something you would enjoy, it could be thought / felt that you would not go, if invited.
It could be felt that it could upset you if you had been invited and had gone - maybe they think you are not emotionally ready for whatever it is that is taking place on Fri ?

Original poster
cornishone · 18/12/2023 03:25

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon that last paragraph is very much the issue.

I feel like this is a public service announcement but .,, when you suffer a significant bereavement like mine, you lose so much more than the person who has died.

You lose yourself too. And not really, but in the eyes of other people. You become someone who needs 'handling' and people feel they need to second guess you and make decisions or judgements on your behalf. That is what I mean when I say it's difficult to be around.

So all of your last paragraph might be true, but I am capable of deciding all those things myself. That people don't see that is also an incredible loss.

It is probably more that things have evolved without me. Which again, makes me awfully sad.

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 18/12/2023 03:32

Again, OP, I am so sorry. It is incredibly condescending for anyone to make those judgments for you

JanglingJack · 18/12/2023 03:43

cornishone · 18/12/2023 00:10

No. Because I don't actually know what I haven't been invited to, if that makes sense.

Show quote history

Makes perfect sense. I'm sure you haven't not been invited because of what you have been through, and I'm so sorry to read that.

I think for your own self esteem you need to ask the question, get it over and done with. THEN you can feel rubbish if it is no invite. If not don't stress for now. In the grand scheme you know it doesn't really matter, but the hurt comes from friends potentially going behind your back and excluding you. Ask the question to the person you are closest to. If they full of blister and I don't knows then I think you have your answer.

Can I just ask what NFI is please?

All the best xx

endofthelinefinally · 18/12/2023 03:46

I am so sorry OP. I lost my child. I get it and agree with everything you said. Nothing is ever the same. Christmas is still very hard. Flowers

Codlingmoths · 18/12/2023 03:51

I guess let’s establish some things. 1. You do not want your adult friendships to define or limit your child’s, where feasible. Your child is friends with this girl. This means re your child you say casually did she invite you? I’m not sure what I’m doing but of course you can go. If he says really she asked if we were going, then you have to think about that.
2.yes that means they will know you know, that’s their awkwardness not yours. You give zero fucks about that. In fact, what a great way for them to see their children are open and friendly in ways they perhaps aren’t.
3.what would you like to do re yourself? I know you’d like to be given the choice, but that ship has sailed. Would you like to go or not to go? Would you prefer to ignore it, or address it? If you’re an address it type, it might be hard but you’d feel much better for having it out!

im so sorry for your loss.

DrearyDearyMe · 18/12/2023 03:51

Oh OP. I'm so sorry about your child, I really am

I get it. My son died on Mothers Day and even though Mothers day changes every year, I still see it as his day. This year was the first year I've celebrated it in 10 years. And my other DC are only 8 and 6.

I feel like this is a public service announcement but .,, when you suffer a significant bereavement like mine, you lose so much more than the person who has died

Yes. A part of yourself dies too and you lose your future, you lose a part of your life and the ache, that ache never goes away. If I let myself properly think about my son I can feel how desperate I become, to just want to hold him and have him here with me.

My mum has recently started EDMR therapy and she says it has worked wonders for her traumas. I'm going to look into it after Christmas is over, maybe you should too?

It cannot be healthy for either of us, or any other parent who has been through this, to carry about this heart ache for so long

As for your friends, can you see them doing this maliciously or do you think they were trying to spare your feelings and got it wrong? It wont of been about you being difficult to be around ( which you wont be ) I'd put money on it was meant kindly and they didnt think about how it would feel to not be invited at all

flowerchild2000 · 18/12/2023 03:56

On top of your grief you now have shitty social stuff to worry about. Not great friends are they? It takes absolutely forever for the association to fade when something tragic happens near a holiday. I have been through something similar and it's a LOT. This time of year was hell for me for many years. I'm depressed now even though the association has faded a lot. If they were true friends they would be there for you, talk to you about it, something, anything but shut you out. I would want to know personally. Ask the girlfriend to find out for you if she's discreet. Ask your friends straight out. Or let DS go and let them be awkward! You aren't the one being weird or awkward, they are. You've survived something no one wants to survive so hold your head high and don't let anyone make you feel worse! I hope it all turns out better than it seems, and I hope you find some comfort and peace in midst of it all. 💜

Marchitectmummy · 18/12/2023 04:11

Could this not all be an error? I've mistakenly thought I had invited everyone before only to later realise I had left one family out. Luckily for me tbe forgotten family mentioned it to one of the others who told Mr- so all resolved before the event.

Are you closer to anyone who is going and feel able to ask them. Just a casual 'is such and such also coming" dripped onto a conversation may do it.

Not all things are intentional sometimes people just make mistakes.

lemmein · 18/12/2023 04:16

I'm so sorry for your loss OP Flowers

It's weird that they said 'see you Friday' in front of you - are you absolutely sure you're not invited? Could you have missed a message in a WhatsApp group?

If they've purposely left you out that's a really shitty thing to do, I'm not surprised you feel sad about it - it just seems odd them mentioning it around you and inviting your DC. They either have the emotional intelligence of a slug or there's been a misunderstanding along the way.

I'm really sorry that this is making you feel down at an already emotional time. I hope it was an oversight.

BlackPanther75 · 18/12/2023 05:57

Hello.

Firstly, I ’m so sorry for your loss. I can hear how difficult this is for you and got upsetting it is to be left out by your friends.

my only other thought is that some people
Find death and grief very difficult and even unmanageable. As another poster commented, we don’t do death and loss well in Britain.

For some people, possibly those who have lost someone close themselves, will find being around grief very difficult or even too difficult maybe because it brings ip their own loss and feelings they can’t manage. What you are living through is most parents worst nightmare.

this isn’t to say how they are behaving is ideal or even ok, but rather to make a different understanding to the ‘they aren’t proper friends’ or they are bad people that other posters are saying.

some people just aren’t able to handle grief. And that’s really crap for you because you need your friends and want to be invited.

On another thought, have you thought of, or are you part of a group for parents who have lost a child? They might offer support and I think will have gone through similar experiences

jemenfous37 · 18/12/2023 06:17

@cornishone But your friends had 'nothing to 'move on' from, 'without you'. This was your loss, appalling though it is. Friends can/will be supportive only for so long, but it is not their loss. Of course, they know you remain devastated, but life does go on, and for them, this happens unconsciously, and it will happen at a different pace to you.
I would suggest you either take aside the friend that is hosting Friday's event and ask 'x (your son) tells me he is coming to your on Friday for an event. Is this just for the kids, or the whole family? Just asking because i've had a couple of brain-farts recently and forgetting stuff'
This way, if you have misunderstood the comment you overheard, you don't sound as if you feel left out.
Your friend will then have to explain.

PepperIsHere · 18/12/2023 06:22

You're allowed to feel upset.

I guess the difficulty is that you don't know what's happening so you're left feeling disconnected from your friends.

Are they nice friends? Have you ever felt pushed out? Because if you've always felt confident in your friendship group, could you ask straight up?

Bordesleyhills · 18/12/2023 06:22

Personally I’d walk teen to the door and let the host know your there- take a Christmas card then say bye…. You have nothing to feel bad about from the point of view of being no fun.

Roundtable83 · 18/12/2023 06:27

As another poster has said, ‘Let Them’.
If you’re not invited, don’t go. If you’re not told, don’t ask. Simple as that.
Don’t let it affect you or analyse ‘why’, just let it be. Asking for an invite sounds needy so I wouldn’t do that - just accept that you don’t have to be invited to everything and be at peace with that.