CF Sister in Law

[DailyMailHater]

SIL has been having a hard time recently, end of long term relationship and made redundant and is struggling for money , she called DH yesterday to say she has no food in the cupboards and no money.

Dh and I each pay 50/50 on household bills etc and then all other finances are separate , DH said he didn’t have much to help her at the moment, but I said I could as I have some extra this month due to Xmas bonus… so suggested we do an online food shop for her to be delivered this week, (she lives 3hrs away) , my view is she is family and if you can help out, you help out.

DH spoke to her and she said that would be really appreciated and then proceeded to send an extensive list through (first hint of CF!)

I managed to get a delivery slot with her local supermarket for Tuesday afternoon and added everything off her list - mostly tins and frozen foods so long lasting and should keep her going for a while, I then added a few extras like her fav biscuits, a bottle of wine and some flowers just to cheer her up as she is really down at the money in total it came to almost £200

DH text her and confirmed delivery date and time etc (was surprised to get a slot - Xmas week!) all good.

She has then called today and asked if we can see if we can change delivery to Tuesday morning as she has booked a last minute 2-day spa break (about 1.5hrs away from her home) to relax and de-stress from all the recent upset and needs to leave at lunch time on Tuesday to “make the most of it”

I am shocked that she feels it is ok to do this after pleading poverty - i said DH should ask where this money suddenly came from considering I have just done her food shop for her he says it is none of our business….

I am happy to help family out but this is totally taking the piss isn’t it?

Spa breaks aren't always fancy expensive, I have booked them on Groupon before for £50 and thats for 2 people sharing.

£50 - even £10 - is extremely expensive if you don't have enough money for basic food. Are those £50 deals all-in, including all food, all other costs and travel for a 3-hour round-trip?

I rather think that this last-minute spa trip luxury that the SIL has treated herself to as a reward for her SIL's (OP's) hard work all year could end up leaving her in an even worse situation, even allowing for her huge food shop now already being paid for.

I highly doubt that she's budgeted for travel costs there and back and other expenses, such as away-from-home food that has to be bought at a premium price. There could also be heavy upselling attempts by the establishment, including things that she maybe assumed were included but aren't - and will she be able to resist them?

Some people are such CFs and/or terrible with money that they treat it like it were fire. If they have just enough to light their gas hob, that's great; but if they have a significant amount in one go, they panic and have to 'put it out' quickly, until it's all gone completely.

They often set themselves up as the victim in their own personal narrative, with everybody else being uber-privileged. They don't stop to think about what sacrifices others have had to make to give them the money that they claim/think they 'need' for supposed 'urgent essentials'. Maybe because they themselves would never dream of giving somebody else money, so they therefore conclude that whatever they are given must be 'spare' and unwanted, with plenty more where that came from.

Then again, it isn't just individuals who think this way: an awful lot of charities will come out with the sob stories about how the desperate people/animals/cause they work with urgently need every penny from you - whilst having no qualms about lavishing excessive funds elsewhere on vanity projects and pursuing unrelated political agendas. It's very much a scenario of "but when I do it, it's cute!"

It doesn’t matter if the spa trip was cheap, a good deal, SIL feels she deserves it. She’s prioritised that over food for herself and is expecting others to pick up the costs. Pure CF.

Xmas delivery slots are booked up far in advance

And she's is a massive CF for going on a spa break

I wonder when she'll reply?

It must be very tempting to reduce the order to just one single tin of value-range beaked beans - even if you do end up having to pay a high delivery fee! She's expecting the driver to have to unload half a dozen or more big crates, but then they just walk straight from the van to her door, without opening up the back, with her whole delivery in one hand!!

Aside from anything else, though, it isn't even just a case of the SIL spending her own money on luxuries whilst somebody else can be emotionally blackmailed into paying for her food; she (currently, as she sees it) has a choice of either the spa trip or the food - both of which can only take place at one specific time - and she has chosen the spa trip instead of the food.

Then again, she sounds like the self-absorbed entitled sort, so she maybe just expects the supermarket to magically find some new slots - in the week before Christmas - because SHE 'needs' a different one. She certainly doesn't seem to appreciate how lucky OP was to manage to get that slot.

If she's anything like my self absorbed SIL if you call her out for any of this she will go running to other family members and bitch about you.

What remote justification does she actually think she has to be able to bitch about you? Is this the (supposedly) adult equivalent of "Mummy, she just broke my dolly when I whacked her over the head with it"?

My DH has just given (not a loan) my SIL £2k with an email saying she is never to ask us again - he has also told his mum and other siblings what he has done so everyone is clear where we are at. SIL is furious but hasn't got a leg to stand on.

Absolutely outrageous, isn't it? To think that somebody can be furious with you for giving them £2,000 - because they think you're a terrible person for not giving them any more?!

OP you come across as a lovely, kind and very reasonable person here - willing to help and treat her initially, and still supporting her when it turns out she's not been entirely honest. I think you've handled this perfectly and I hope that she learns to be more responsible and budget better in future.

Not to derail, but I think that some of the people on Deal Or No Deal seem to have the same attitude as OP's SIL.

Some of them have emotively stressed how much they would love to win £X,000 - enough for something very important, meaningful, even life-changing to them or their loved ones; then, when they are offered that exact amount of money (or more), they turn it down, in the hope of getting even more - before the game inevitably collapses around them and they end up going home with £35.

One bloke had a GoFundMe set up to effectively replace the amount of money that he could have walked away with just for saying "Deal", but instead, he ignored the statistics, probably 'felt lucky' and ploughed greedily on, before losing almost all of it. I expect he still felt like the victim of tough, impossible circumstances, though, rather than the author of his own undoing.

It's staggering but also symptomatic of how she gets into terrible problems financially - she can't take any responsibility for the fact money just runs through her fingers. Her reasoning is as follows - Because she knows we have more money than her and she just thinks that's unfair - and that if she had the money she would help us out (it's amazing how generous people can be hypothetically isn't it). Because her husband left her (he was also terrible with money), because she isn't organised and it isn't her fault and we are lucky that we are magically more organised than her.

She thinks nothing of bitching about me because in her eyes I come from a wealthy family (compared to DH) and so must be rolling in cash. I'm a middle aged woman whose money comes from my full time job - not my mummy. DH also has a good job hence we were able to give her £2k knowing we'd never see it again. We considered it better to do this now rather than the endless requests for loans that were never paid back. The absolute turning point in this was telling everyone what we had done - etiquette would normally stop anyone doing this as you wouldn't want to embarrass the person who asked for help. However, this has to stop as she sees us as morally obliged to help her.

I'm just 😯at how you managed to spend £200 in shopping for a single adult. I did our online shopping for the week including Christmas (but not the turkey or alcohol) and it cost £270, but that was for nearly all Christmas food/snacks/chocolates (again not turkey or alcohol as bought separately) for 5 adults and 2 children plus several days worth of normal breakfast/lunch/dinner/snacks for 2 adults and 2 children. £200 should be nearly feeding an adult for a month!

This is the same with my sister. She sees everyone in the family as morally obliged to help her, and sees me as privileged even though she's literally more qualified than me and our other sibling (several courses paid for by desperate parents hoping one of them would lead to an actual job), and I am also a single mum. I work f/t and earn a decent enough living but am not exactly minted, and she's got the same as me (including her own house) without having had to lift a finger. Even so, whenever you see her, you get the 'woe is me' victim story that she uses to extract money from people. It's exhausting and so tedious.

So SIL has replied and said she will make sure she is there for the order and leave for the spa after, she is very grateful and appreciates she has “messed up” by booking the break and leaving herself short, but her friends mentioned it and she got caught up in the “let’s all book” situation and didn’t want to admit to them she couldn’t afford it. - I’ve told her I think this is madness and she is an adult and has handled the whole thing badly .

I have said I am not at all happy and that any future requests for assistance will be meet with a no, no matter the circumstances as the trust / respect in the relationship has been lost.

DH has also realised he has been a bit of twat in the situation and has gone into work this morning and taken on some overtime shifts (works in a supermarket distribution centre - so loads going this week) and has said he will give me the money back from his January pay - He has also apparently messaged his sister this morning and made it clear he is not happy with her.

So going to hang on to the rest of my bonus, and then when DH pays me back in January I will treat myself…..- might look for a cheap spa break 😂😂😂

MIL has been round to me this morning with a massive bunch of flowers and a hug, and told me I should amend the order to bread and water as that’s more than she deserves 🫣

thanks all for your replies - the situation was just so crazy…I had to write it down to check I wasn’t going mad

Good result OP!
Glad to hear DH has taken some responsibility in it too.
Your MiL sounds like a gem. Hope MiL gave her daughter a bloody roasting.

At least you have held the morale high ground in the situation. SiL knows she can't ever come to you with a begging bowl again.

@DailyMailHater I like the sound of your MIL 🤣

Yep, I’d be cancelling the food delivery. Telling her why, too.

I'd amend the order to absolute basics!! £60 maximum!

I'd then make a point of doing a food shop for the local food bank with the rest of the money you were going to spend and tell her what you've done - wanting to help people who are genuinely struggling!

Ditto!

😂

I think you handled that situation very well, CF SIL needs to grow up and handle her finances

Top MiL there.

Shouldn't Sil be paying you back instead of your husband?

I'd seriously cancel the order or at the least amend it to about £50. £200 is madness!

MIL is a bit of a legend and am sure will be pulling SIL up for this one - she isn’t one for holding her tongue.

DH is going to pay me back and then speak to SIL about getting the money back from her - he has just agreed to pay me back as then I am reimbursed asap - as it will be a long drawn out process getting the money back from SIl

Cancel the order OP or else you'll never see that money again.

@DailyMailHater
Well done. Make sure you spend the rest of your bonus now - on you!!

While I think you've absolutely handled this well, and she is a CF...don't hold it against her forever.

She's going through a tough time and has fucked up. She needs to know she fucked up. But she's family and hopefully you can move forward in the future.

I had a similar situation with my brother and wife years ago (they were young and stupid) and found out about a luxury purchase when I had leant them money for essential bills. We have a great relationship now, but I still wouldn't lend them money.

Your MIL sounds great, OP! Was this her when she saw your SIL?!