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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF Sister in Law

283 replies

DailyMailHater · 17/12/2023 21:04

SIL has been having a hard time recently, end of long term relationship and made redundant and is struggling for money , she called DH yesterday to say she has no food in the cupboards and no money.

Dh and I each pay 50/50 on household bills etc and then all other finances are separate , DH said he didn’t have much to help her at the moment, but I said I could as I have some extra this month due to Xmas bonus… so suggested we do an online food shop for her to be delivered this week, (she lives 3hrs away) , my view is she is family and if you can help out, you help out.

DH spoke to her and she said that would be really appreciated and then proceeded to send an extensive list through (first hint of CF!)

I managed to get a delivery slot with her local supermarket for Tuesday afternoon and added everything off her list - mostly tins and frozen foods so long lasting and should keep her going for a while, I then added a few extras like her fav biscuits, a bottle of wine and some flowers just to cheer her up as she is really down at the money in total it came to almost £200

DH text her and confirmed delivery date and time etc (was surprised to get a slot - Xmas week!) all good.

She has then called today and asked if we can see if we can change delivery to Tuesday morning as she has booked a last minute 2-day spa break (about 1.5hrs away from her home) to relax and de-stress from all the recent upset and needs to leave at lunch time on Tuesday to “make the most of it”

I am shocked that she feels it is ok to do this after pleading poverty - i said DH should ask where this money suddenly came from considering I have just done her food shop for her he says it is none of our business….

I am happy to help family out but this is totally taking the piss isn’t it?

OP posts:
wronginalltherightways · 19/12/2023 18:29

I'd cancel the delivery.

That is 100% taking the piss. And it IS your business.

CantFindMyMarbles · 19/12/2023 18:43

I’d cancel the entire shop and not reschedule at all. I’d tell her if she had money for a spa break then she had money for groceries. Priorities.

Superduper02 · 19/12/2023 18:46

Pleased the rest of the family are being supportive of you OP. Well done on how it's been handled all round 👏

JenniferJuniper80 · 19/12/2023 19:13

Cancel the delivery. She is a CF, and not in need.

GG1986 · 19/12/2023 19:15

Definitely cancel it and tell her exactly why! Cheeky cow.

Pinkbonbon · 19/12/2023 19:40

This is the sort of shit narcissists do.

It's to say 'haha you're a soft touch and I was taking advantage and you fell for it' and its a power play. It's also designed so that if you call them out on it, they can start at you blankly or flat out tell you you are 'too sensitive'.

Typical that it's done near Christmas too as narcissists hate that Christmas isn't all about them and so, seek to make it about them and to create drama around it in order to make everyone miserable.

Your sister is not a nice human being. And will continue to take the piss if you let her.

NonPlayerCharacter · 19/12/2023 19:58

I feel a bit sorry for the woman facing Christmas heartbroken, unemployed and enduring barrages of self-righteous chastisement left, right and centre because she did something stupid while in that position.

I actually felt something was a bit off when you started putting things into the basket that she hadn't asked for...I know it should have been a kindness but the way you were telling the story felt off. And now it does feel as though it was somewhat performative, because there's definitely no kindness now.

Obviously she shouldn't be going to a spa when she can't afford it but if it was a group thing and she was ashamed, embarrassed and really stressed and wanted something nice, well, vulnerable people make crap choices. I don't think you were wrong to withdraw the shopping but I kind of feel all of you are enjoying chastising her a bit too much over it. As before, she's heartbroken, unemployed and broke at Christmas...isn't that enough for now?

Pinko1 · 19/12/2023 20:04

I'd probably send the delivery but remove all the extras/goodies then change some round to basics.

Pinkbonbon · 19/12/2023 20:11

Tbf based on your updates, you might be being a little harsh.

I don't like that she didn't just say straight of 'I've even an idiot and overspent treating myself and now I've no money for food'.

And had the cheek to tell you after the fact that she was going to the spa!

It's absolutely cf. And I suspect she's only backtracking now as her mum and brother have also called her out.

But benefit of the doubt,maybe she just didn't know how to say what happened. And she has apologised.

I would absolutely be on my guard for further piss taking but as is, I would be careful not to ket this become an issue. She is family afterall and it seems like this is a one off?

I'd have rearranged it for her personally. But taken out much of the fancy stuff tbf.

RockAndRollerskate · 19/12/2023 20:18

I love your communication as a family.

Yes, she was a knob, but she’s been called out on it, relatively respectively by yourself and husband, had chance to explain, apologise and hopefully learn.

So many other families would be back biting, snapping and hiding burning resentment for years!

NearlyMonday · 19/12/2023 20:48

I can’t believe she disclosed she was going on a spa break - she could have given many other less inflammatory reasons for needing to change the delivery slot!

Bordesleyhills · 19/12/2023 21:20

The spa is the priority… no…

Wildefish · 19/12/2023 21:43

I would check first that these are not gift vouchers she is using before doing any cancellation of the food order. If however she is using her own money, I would then suggest she cancel the spa and use the money for food!

Cozyathome · 19/12/2023 21:52

D

Imagwine · 19/12/2023 21:55

A good resolution op. It sounds like you’ll all move on with no animosity but also no further cfery, because she knows it won’t wash.

Pomvit · 19/12/2023 22:06

Omg 100% taking piss how can she be so hard faced about it too

id bloody cancel it never mind change it - she clearly can’t prioritise

bastin · 19/12/2023 22:14

She's paying for the Spa break with the money she's just saved by you and your DH doing her food shop

£200, I hope that's enough to last her for a number of weeks

No good deed goes unpunished OP

TheRealLilyMunster · 19/12/2023 22:18

Cancel the delivery - she is taking the absolute piss.

Pleads poverty and gets you to buy her food shop, while she treats herself to a 2 day spa break?

Cancel the order, and spend your Christmas bonus on something for yourself.

pineapplesundae · 19/12/2023 22:34

It’s better to give than to receive right? Let it go! Just remember next time she asks for help send her $50.

OldPerson · 19/12/2023 23:09

Totally taking the piss. Cancel the order. If you can't afford your groceries, you can't afford a spa break. Who will pay for her groceries the week after the spa break, if she's been made redundant?

Dibbydoos · 20/12/2023 00:43

Shed already booked the spa which is why she had no money. Cancel the order. Its not your prob is it?

user1492757084 · 20/12/2023 00:45

It is none of your business and it could well be a gift.

Explain that the delivery can not be changed so she will need to arrive later to the spa .. or you will cancel the food.
Her choice but wish her a well needed rest at the spa.

Next time limit your help to what you won't resent later.

Do not involve money but have her for a meal instead.

Ghentsummer · 20/12/2023 01:00

user1492757084 · 20/12/2023 00:45

It is none of your business and it could well be a gift.

Explain that the delivery can not be changed so she will need to arrive later to the spa .. or you will cancel the food.
Her choice but wish her a well needed rest at the spa.

Next time limit your help to what you won't resent later.

Do not involve money but have her for a meal instead.

It wasn't a gift and it obviously was the OP's business given its her money being used on the food shop. If you won't read the full thread before posting at least bother to read the OP's.

mrsclaus1984 · 20/12/2023 01:03

Wow..! Yes, absolutely she is being a CF!!

LookItsMeAgain · 20/12/2023 07:48

Has she copped that you cut back on the shopping to cover the essentials only? Has she been back in touch asking where the rest of the stuff is I wonder?