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AIBU?

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Original poster

CF Sister in Law

283 replies

DailyMailHater · 17/12/2023 21:04

SIL has been having a hard time recently, end of long term relationship and made redundant and is struggling for money , she called DH yesterday to say she has no food in the cupboards and no money.

Dh and I each pay 50/50 on household bills etc and then all other finances are separate , DH said he didn’t have much to help her at the moment, but I said I could as I have some extra this month due to Xmas bonus… so suggested we do an online food shop for her to be delivered this week, (she lives 3hrs away) , my view is she is family and if you can help out, you help out.

DH spoke to her and she said that would be really appreciated and then proceeded to send an extensive list through (first hint of CF!)

I managed to get a delivery slot with her local supermarket for Tuesday afternoon and added everything off her list - mostly tins and frozen foods so long lasting and should keep her going for a while, I then added a few extras like her fav biscuits, a bottle of wine and some flowers just to cheer her up as she is really down at the money in total it came to almost £200

DH text her and confirmed delivery date and time etc (was surprised to get a slot - Xmas week!) all good.

She has then called today and asked if we can see if we can change delivery to Tuesday morning as she has booked a last minute 2-day spa break (about 1.5hrs away from her home) to relax and de-stress from all the recent upset and needs to leave at lunch time on Tuesday to “make the most of it”

I am shocked that she feels it is ok to do this after pleading poverty - i said DH should ask where this money suddenly came from considering I have just done her food shop for her he says it is none of our business….

I am happy to help family out but this is totally taking the piss isn’t it?

OP posts:
SGANDRUE · 20/12/2023 08:56

Wow! Not even the embarrassment of doing down the spa break. No shame at all! Some people! Next level piss take. Does she not even realise what she's doing? This reminds me of things my own sister used to do. We don't talk anymore...
Yes, clarify the facts and act accordingly. Cancel the order significantly reduce it. Take off the treats!

BoJosMoJo · 20/12/2023 09:09

"SIL has been having a hard time recently, end of long term relationship and made redundant and is struggling for money"

I've got a slightly different angle on this. I volunteer for a benevolent fund (provides money to eligible people to avoid them dropping into poverty). We see this kind of situation all the time.

It will be related to her mental health. I think you have done exactly the right thing by reducing her order to essentials only and telling her to be available for it. But she's not necessarily a CF, she may just not be coping with life at the moment. If someone can give her some listening support, signposting her to the GP or CAB or whoever sounds relevant, and letting her download her feelings, perhaps helping her to find work, she will get over this. Definitely should be her immediate family rather than in-laws, but might be Samaritans or similar. In the meantime, sending her essential food if she hits a crisis again, whilst keeping up a conversation, will show that she has support and is not alone in the world.

Obviously boundaries need to be maintained, and there are red lines, but you all sound like a supportive family and she will hopefully get better in time with your (and/or professional) help.

Cactusmad · 20/12/2023 10:31

It’s also the fact it wasn’t op choice. It was from pressure from husband. If sil asked she’s thinking straight enough there to get someone else to get all her stuff. Sometimes letting people sort stuff out themselves makes them feel empowered. It takes a lot of head space to ask and write a concise list . At least now u have an answer for next time. That’s a no . Life is about choices and she made hers .

BigPharma · 20/12/2023 11:34

DifficultBloodyWoman · 17/12/2023 22:06

Cancel the cheque/order!

I’d be fishing for information about who paid for her spa trip.

I have a relative who frequently pleaded poverty to all and sundry. I smelled a rat when I found out that her mum and I had both apparently paid for the same thing for her. By my calculations, in the space of 12-15 months she had been given the equivalent of £40,000 by 5 different people. She is currently bitching about how hard life is now she has to find a job. 🙄

what ????
how can someone get 40k in handouts in a few months.
I am a pharmacist been working for over 20 years and I have to work a whole 12 months for that kinda money- some people are pretty lucky arent they?
do not think I could even ask family for 1k let alone 40???

DifficultBloodyWoman · 20/12/2023 11:50

BigPharma · 20/12/2023 11:34

what ????
how can someone get 40k in handouts in a few months.
I am a pharmacist been working for over 20 years and I have to work a whole 12 months for that kinda money- some people are pretty lucky arent they?
do not think I could even ask family for 1k let alone 40???

Show quote history

She was given cash lump sums on multiple occasions by 3 family members. (There were 5 of us ‘supporting’ her during this time).
We bought her groceries on a regular basis.
Someone paid for new tires for her car and also a crash repair.
Someone paid for her to have a cleaner because she couldn’t manage things on her own.
I’m not sure if the 40k included her divorce lawyer’s fees or if that was a different time period.
Her mum gave her money to pay for a course she wanted to do in December and then in January, she asked me to help pay for it too. That was when we discovered she had been ‘double dipping’.

All of this whilst not working and claiming benefits as a single parent. 🙄

BigPharma · 20/12/2023 11:53

DifficultBloodyWoman · 20/12/2023 11:50

She was given cash lump sums on multiple occasions by 3 family members. (There were 5 of us ‘supporting’ her during this time).
We bought her groceries on a regular basis.
Someone paid for new tires for her car and also a crash repair.
Someone paid for her to have a cleaner because she couldn’t manage things on her own.
I’m not sure if the 40k included her divorce lawyer’s fees or if that was a different time period.
Her mum gave her money to pay for a course she wanted to do in December and then in January, she asked me to help pay for it too. That was when we discovered she had been ‘double dipping’.

All of this whilst not working and claiming benefits as a single parent. 🙄

Edited
Show quote history

Wow some people take the absolute P##S

😕

T1Dmama · 20/12/2023 12:04

DailyMailHater · 18/12/2023 13:36

MIL is a bit of a legend and am sure will be pulling SIL up for this one - she isn’t one for holding her tongue.

DH is going to pay me back and then speak to SIL about getting the money back from her - he has just agreed to pay me back as then I am reimbursed asap - as it will be a long drawn out process getting the money back from SIl

You’re all better than me!! I would’ve cancelled the shop totally once the spa was mentioned! Cheeky
Bitch!

GenevièveSapha · 20/12/2023 13:58

You should have canceled the food order immediately...

Cactusmad · 20/12/2023 17:06

Some people are takers , some are in genuine need. She doesn’t have much pride , that showed when she sent a long list. She used to being enabled. Think would she treat anyone like this as in passing it on . If not she’s a taker and not trying to dig her way out. The bit that gets me is the husband, would he do this for your siblings op?

Jem57 · 21/12/2023 09:18

We did a collection in work only 10 of us for someone who lost her husband.
She was telling everyone how skint she was,didn’t know what to do.
We gave her £500 and she came in with a bunch of River Island bags showing us all her new clothes.It was meant to pay bills etc,the girls were fuming

Diddlyumptious · 21/12/2023 10:41
  1. Definitely a CF
  2. Handled really well you stood your ground 👏
  3. Well done DH for coming to his senses and taking extra shifts to pay you back ASAP. Spa here you come 🤣🤣
  4. Go your MIL! glad she sees what a CF her daughter is
And breathe 😀
pinkyredrose · 21/12/2023 10:47

Jem57 · 21/12/2023 09:18

We did a collection in work only 10 of us for someone who lost her husband.
She was telling everyone how skint she was,didn’t know what to do.
We gave her £500 and she came in with a bunch of River Island bags showing us all her new clothes.It was meant to pay bills etc,the girls were fuming

I don't see what's wrong with that. It was your choice to have a whip round, you can't dictate what she did with it.

Her husband just died ffs.

Mabe you should've told her what she was 'meant' to do with the money. Why shouldn't she treat herself?

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 21/12/2023 16:56

I have close relatives like this like this… I feel your pain! The answer these days from every facet of our family shall forever be a resounding ‘No’. One bitten, never again!

Cactusmad · 21/12/2023 20:07

Pinky red rose , the reason the people did a whip around is she was saying she was skint . Going in river island and coming out with bags full isn’t a priority.

Ulysees · 22/12/2023 10:33

Jem57 · 21/12/2023 09:18

We did a collection in work only 10 of us for someone who lost her husband.
She was telling everyone how skint she was,didn’t know what to do.
We gave her £500 and she came in with a bunch of River Island bags showing us all her new clothes.It was meant to pay bills etc,the girls were fuming

I did something similar. Gave a friend a lot of money towards a funeral of someone close and she spent it on her house. Her choice but she bought silly things not necessities. I wouldn't do it again.

Ulysees · 22/12/2023 10:34

pinkyredrose · 21/12/2023 10:47

I don't see what's wrong with that. It was your choice to have a whip round, you can't dictate what she did with it.

Her husband just died ffs.

Mabe you should've told her what she was 'meant' to do with the money. Why shouldn't she treat herself?

Show quote history

If you can't see it then you're most likely someone who would also do this

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 22/12/2023 11:29

Mabe you should've told her what she was 'meant' to do with the money. Why shouldn't she treat herself?

So somebody is saying how skint they are, expressing great concern about what they're going to do for money - which is clearly going to be understood as buying food, keeping the house warm, paying bills etc., as it isn't normal to be panicking about how you're going to be able to afford wholly unnecessary luxuries - and then people respond by giving you money.

Only a CF would spin somebody's kindness in stepping up to meet an expressed need into an opportunity to go out on a shopping spree and 'treat yourself' big-time.

pinkyredrose · 22/12/2023 12:43

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 22/12/2023 11:29

Mabe you should've told her what she was 'meant' to do with the money. Why shouldn't she treat herself?

So somebody is saying how skint they are, expressing great concern about what they're going to do for money - which is clearly going to be understood as buying food, keeping the house warm, paying bills etc., as it isn't normal to be panicking about how you're going to be able to afford wholly unnecessary luxuries - and then people respond by giving you money.

Only a CF would spin somebody's kindness in stepping up to meet an expressed need into an opportunity to go out on a shopping spree and 'treat yourself' big-time.

A 'CF' who's husband had just died. Would you be thinking clearly if that happened to you?

Have some compassion ffs.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 22/12/2023 13:02

pinkyredrose · 22/12/2023 12:43

A 'CF' who's husband had just died. Would you be thinking clearly if that happened to you?

Have some compassion ffs.

Show quote history

Or, to frame it the other way, somebody whose husband has just died and all she can think about is to use it as an opportunity to pretend she's struggling to afford the essentials, so that people will give her money that she can go on a shopping spree with.

Maybe I'm being unfair, and she was genuinely worried about being able to pay the bills - but then, as she wasn't thinking straight, when people gave her the money she did need for those bills, she went and splurged it all on treats, and probably deeply regretted it afterwards, when the bills still couldn't be paid. I don't know.

I've lost numerous family members, and I found it enough of a challenge to keep things together enough to make sure that the mundane things - such as buying food - got done. Certainly, going on a bumper shopping trip for clothes would not have been on my radar.

user1492757084 · 23/12/2023 08:51

Next time order her a dozen cans of baked beans, 1 pkt Weetabix and some powdered milk.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 23/12/2023 09:08

Fucking hell, I was reading the OP thinking it was going to be about how much food she asked for, when you said about the spa my jaw literally dropped!!

What a cheeky fucker!!

I'm glad it's sorted and she has, sort of, admitted she messed up.

My SIL did similar, pled poverty and then went to Iceland (the country, not the supermarket). Luckily DH and I hadn't given her money, and we wouldn't because we know she is shit with prioritising her spending. Weekends away instead of her mortgage payment for example.

Meeesh · 23/12/2023 09:09

Before you do anything hasty find out the facts. If she is pulling the wool then, while cheeky, be the bigger person (if it doesn't significantly impact you financially)... it will be the last time you help her out I'm sure! Merry Christmas 🎅

Awittyandclevername · 23/12/2023 09:25

I would be inclined to check how this has been paid for.. it’s possible she’s taken out a dodgy loan or credit card? Or has she done like a buy now pay later? Getting into debt? Maybe approach it from a place of concern perhaps everything she has told you is still true. Very kind thing of you to do to send that shop 😌

BowlOfNoodles · 23/12/2023 10:26

Yes it is NEVER offer again

Rewis · 23/12/2023 10:49

Based on the updates the SIL was CFish. Not a totally lost cause. She might have learned her lesson