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AIBU?

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Original poster

CF Sister in Law

283 replies

DailyMailHater · 17/12/2023 21:04

SIL has been having a hard time recently, end of long term relationship and made redundant and is struggling for money , she called DH yesterday to say she has no food in the cupboards and no money.

Dh and I each pay 50/50 on household bills etc and then all other finances are separate , DH said he didn’t have much to help her at the moment, but I said I could as I have some extra this month due to Xmas bonus… so suggested we do an online food shop for her to be delivered this week, (she lives 3hrs away) , my view is she is family and if you can help out, you help out.

DH spoke to her and she said that would be really appreciated and then proceeded to send an extensive list through (first hint of CF!)

I managed to get a delivery slot with her local supermarket for Tuesday afternoon and added everything off her list - mostly tins and frozen foods so long lasting and should keep her going for a while, I then added a few extras like her fav biscuits, a bottle of wine and some flowers just to cheer her up as she is really down at the money in total it came to almost £200

DH text her and confirmed delivery date and time etc (was surprised to get a slot - Xmas week!) all good.

She has then called today and asked if we can see if we can change delivery to Tuesday morning as she has booked a last minute 2-day spa break (about 1.5hrs away from her home) to relax and de-stress from all the recent upset and needs to leave at lunch time on Tuesday to “make the most of it”

I am shocked that she feels it is ok to do this after pleading poverty - i said DH should ask where this money suddenly came from considering I have just done her food shop for her he says it is none of our business….

I am happy to help family out but this is totally taking the piss isn’t it?

OP posts:
jumpingjackrabbit · 18/12/2023 08:58

Cancel and don't re-book - say you can't get another slot, even if you can. Reminds me of the time SIL asked DH if she could "borrow" £20,000 - didn't ask me, just asked DH and expected me to be okay with it. DH did say no, but I hate this CF kind of thing.

NoMoreShit · 18/12/2023 09:10

Tis the season for CF SILs apparently. Mine is begging for money to get through Xmas while bragging about a 3 week trip to the far east she's taking in Jan. Beggars belief.

Glad you've taken action & cut the shop back to basics.

Pedallleur · 18/12/2023 09:10

I would find out what the spa break cost. then let her have the shopping. it's Christmas. After that the closed sign is on the door.

happychristmas2023 · 18/12/2023 09:10

SunRainStorm · 18/12/2023 07:13

I have some sympathy for someone prioritising self care when they've been through it. Sometimes when one shitty thing after another has happened, it might feel really crucial to just have something nice and restorative happen for once.

Obviously she should have planned better, but it's a sign of someone being in crisis that they don't plan and live moment to moment.

If she's otherwise respectful of you I wouldn't write her off as a CF.

You're doing the right thing if you send the basics and wish her well.

she could run a bath...

FeetupTvon · 18/12/2023 09:11

If she has paid for spa break herself I would ask her directly how she could afford it when she claims she can’t afford food.

Beautiful3 · 18/12/2023 09:17

Oh my days! Crazy sil! 🤪 You are a very kind person to still send food for her family. I do think reducing it to basics will make her realise her actions have consequences e.g. no wine or fancy foods for Xmas because she spent it on a 2 day spa trip! Be aware of the cut off date to amend or cancel. My slot is on christmas eve, and my cut-off is Thursday, when it's normally Saturday. If she doesn't let you know, get hubby to ring confirming she'll be there. If not you'll have to cancel.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 18/12/2023 09:21

🙄

Potentialmadcatlady · 18/12/2023 09:36

happychristmas2023 · 18/12/2023 09:10

she could run a bath...

Show quote history

I live on very little money as a full time carer, regularly having nothing left in my bank account at end of month .. I have some terrible news over the past month…
I have cut my cloth this Christmas and have food and small presents for my adult kids..

My self care involves having an afternoon nap when the person I care for is settled. Can’t afford extra heat for hot water for bath and nap is free.

I have some v rich, well off, family members who could send me on an all inclusive holiday without a worry. They would if I asked but I don’t.
She is being a CF… I too would send her the basics ( probo out of my cupboard as I have no spare money) but I would chalk it up to experience and she wouldn’t get helped again.

edit- my post was in response to sunrainstorm

skyeisthelimit · 18/12/2023 09:37

It doesn't matter how much the spa break was, she couldn't afford it and shouldn't have booked it.

I would be cancelling the shopping completely as this is really taking the piss, especially as it is your Christmas bonus.

People like her never learn.

Saharafordessert · 18/12/2023 09:43

Shocking behaviour from her, you did absolutely the right thing OP.

Mikimoto · 18/12/2023 10:04

great reaction, OP: I can imagine you don't want to feel bad yourself (although you've clearly no reason to), but this episode will certainly influence any future decisions regarding SIL!!

user1471538283 · 18/12/2023 10:05

She booked the spa break knowing she wouldn't have enough money for food and knowing that "someone" would bail her out. She is an adult and she needs to act like it.

She can spend her money as she sees fit but she cannot expect others to pick up the pieces.

I would cancel it completely.

Tinkerbyebye · 18/12/2023 10:08

Yes it’s a piss take and I would simply cancel the order, telling her she obviously has money so no need for you to fork out

if your husband then chooses to buy food for her with his money that’s up to him

GettingStuffed · 18/12/2023 10:10

Half day spa packages are well under £100 so she may have had it as a gift, or paid for it a while ago. You need to check though.

Lavender14 · 18/12/2023 10:12

She's clearly feeling very low and she's using spending as a way to give herself a quick 'pick me up'. But obviously that's not sustainable and she can't be relying on others to bail her out because she's had a fuck it moment.

I think your dh needs to have a word, not just because of the impact on you but because her behaviour is worrying, and point this out to her. If she keeps going this way she could end up in a lot of debt.

I think you were right to respond the way you did absolutely and I'd be more cautious about bailing her out in future so this doesn't turn into a learned dependency.

swimminginthepool · 18/12/2023 10:12

GettingStuffed · 18/12/2023 10:10

Half day spa packages are well under £100 so she may have had it as a gift, or paid for it a while ago. You need to check though.

And 2 day spa breaks are a lot more!

horseyhorsey17 · 18/12/2023 10:19

I think you might actually be MY sister in law! My sister does stuff like this all the time. Pleads poverty, blags money off everyone (including randoms) then just blows it on luxury items. The only difference is she hasn't got a job to be made redundant from.

CHRIS003 · 18/12/2023 10:25

I would have just asked her which supermarket she used and sent her a gift card for that store - that way you set the amount you can afford and she can get her shopping when she wants

NutellaNut · 18/12/2023 10:27

Cancel it and don’t rebook it. If she was using previously gifted vouchers to pay for the spa break, that would have been fair enough. However, since she has bought it herself only this week, that changes things completely. Nope, she’s chosen a spa day over food. Her problem.

Kisskiss · 18/12/2023 10:29

Read your update OP and she’s got a problem. You are a nice person and a bigger person than most others. Obviously never bail her out again tho!

stayathomer · 18/12/2023 10:33

This happened in frasier and the spa day had been gotten as a gift (sorry I know you’re dealing with it in real life!!) Alsi I have a voucher here that I got a while ago that I plan on using in the new year when everything is on the floor. Saying that when my friend was in a really bad state on payday they’d go buy insanely crazy priced food as she figured they’d be eating cereal by the end of the month so some people definitely think like that!! So definitely just check but yes, you are lovely and she could be ridiculously misguided or a cf!!

littlefireseverywhere · 18/12/2023 10:42

Small basic shop sounds much better she is still very generous

StaunchMomma · 18/12/2023 10:46

I have amended the order this morning and taken out all the extras I had put in and reduced quantities of other items to being cost of shop right down to essentials only

FFS - she's admitted she's spent all of her money on a treat for herself and planned to 'work out something later re food' - that plan was you!

She literally knows you're a decent enough person bail her out but I'm afraid now you know all of the facts you look like quite the sucker!

A relationship break down is in no way an excuse for this behaviour, OP. You need to confront her about this and let her know you will not be doing it again.

Frankly, you're mad for not cancelling the order completely.

OrigamiOwl · 18/12/2023 10:48

stayathomer · 18/12/2023 10:33

This happened in frasier and the spa day had been gotten as a gift (sorry I know you’re dealing with it in real life!!) Alsi I have a voucher here that I got a while ago that I plan on using in the new year when everything is on the floor. Saying that when my friend was in a really bad state on payday they’d go buy insanely crazy priced food as she figured they’d be eating cereal by the end of the month so some people definitely think like that!! So definitely just check but yes, you are lovely and she could be ridiculously misguided or a cf!!

But the OP has said that her SIL bought it earlier in the week, so it's not a gift or a stashed away for a rainy day voucher.

FastBlueHedgehog · 18/12/2023 11:11

Similar issues with SIL here - I'd do this a a final act of kindness to give you and DH the moral high ground. If she's anything like my self absorbed SIL if you call her out for any of this she will go running to other family members and bitch about you. Pay for the shopping but tell everyone what you have done and that you will not be doing it again. Do not try to protect her from embarrassment by staying quiet - she will use it to her advantage to spin the narrative in her favour. My DH has just given (not a loan) my SIL £2k with an email saying she is never to ask us again - he has also told his mum and other siblings what he has done so everyone is clear where we are at. SIL is furious but hasn't got a leg to stand on.

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