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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF Sister in Law

283 replies

DailyMailHater · 17/12/2023 21:04

SIL has been having a hard time recently, end of long term relationship and made redundant and is struggling for money , she called DH yesterday to say she has no food in the cupboards and no money.

Dh and I each pay 50/50 on household bills etc and then all other finances are separate , DH said he didn’t have much to help her at the moment, but I said I could as I have some extra this month due to Xmas bonus… so suggested we do an online food shop for her to be delivered this week, (she lives 3hrs away) , my view is she is family and if you can help out, you help out.

DH spoke to her and she said that would be really appreciated and then proceeded to send an extensive list through (first hint of CF!)

I managed to get a delivery slot with her local supermarket for Tuesday afternoon and added everything off her list - mostly tins and frozen foods so long lasting and should keep her going for a while, I then added a few extras like her fav biscuits, a bottle of wine and some flowers just to cheer her up as she is really down at the money in total it came to almost £200

DH text her and confirmed delivery date and time etc (was surprised to get a slot - Xmas week!) all good.

She has then called today and asked if we can see if we can change delivery to Tuesday morning as she has booked a last minute 2-day spa break (about 1.5hrs away from her home) to relax and de-stress from all the recent upset and needs to leave at lunch time on Tuesday to “make the most of it”

I am shocked that she feels it is ok to do this after pleading poverty - i said DH should ask where this money suddenly came from considering I have just done her food shop for her he says it is none of our business….

I am happy to help family out but this is totally taking the piss isn’t it?

OP posts:
wjpa · 17/12/2023 23:04

That is next level CF

I would at the very least take out the flowers/booze from the delivery and cut out multiples of products and anything expensive/non essential so that it comes to about £60

or cancel entirely

what a terrible person she sounds

it sounds like you don’t have £200 to burn

Anisette · 17/12/2023 23:06

i said DH should ask where this money suddenly came from considering I have just done her food shop for her he says it is none of our business….

She made it your business by calling with the sob story about having no food and no money, and by accepting something paid for by you. Unless he wants to pay for it, he should be asking.

MzHz · 17/12/2023 23:06

@DailyMailHater “he says it is none of our business….”

CFSIL made it your business when she came asking for you to buy her shopping!

cancel the shop
you don’t need to ask H permission, this is your bonus money, YOU get to decide how to spend it.

honestly, nobody normal would do this, plead poverty then fuck off on a spa break.

MzHz · 17/12/2023 23:07

Ha ha @Anisette - great minds eh 🤣

grumpycow1 · 17/12/2023 23:09

Yes I’d have to ask her how she afforded it ‘Hi DSIL I was just wondering if there was some misunderstanding between you having no food in and booking a spa break, please could you clarify? This was my work bonus and I wanted to check before spending it on shopping that’s not needed’. If she comes back with some excuse I’d keep the delivery but change the day and MASSIVELY reduce it like to £50 worth.

Sockmate123 · 17/12/2023 23:12

Beyond cheeky. So entitled. What is CF an abbreviation for?

indianwoman · 17/12/2023 23:15

Cheeky fucker

honeylulu · 17/12/2023 23:16

He can't tell you it's none of your business when it's your £200 being spent!

Cancel it and explain slots are so limited so better she rebooks herself ... And pays since she now seems to be in funds again.

wjpa · 17/12/2023 23:21

Even if the spa is a gift, the transport will cost. And food whilst away will cost.

wysen · 17/12/2023 23:23

What a CF! My sil pleaded poverty too. . Few years ago. Told us she couldn't feed her kids. We started giving her £200 per month for about a year to help her out. Turned out she saved all that money we gave her and booked a trip to Disney Florida.
I'd always be the first to help
Someone in need. What pissed me off was the lack of awareness, the lack of guilt. Absolutely had no awareness that it is disrespectful.
Your sil is no exception

whynotwhatknot · 17/12/2023 23:23

it is your business-just say oh thats nice is it a xmas gift-if she says no tell her youre cancelling the order

Moveoverdarlin · 17/12/2023 23:31

I would go with a passive aggressive / blame it on the brother approach. You can be just as much as a CF as she is!

Hey Becky, just trying to sort this Tesco delivery slot. But I think Matt might have got the wrong end of the stick!!?? I’ve bought you a couple of hundred pounds worth of groceries as he said things were a bit tight at the moment. It was mainly frozen bits and essentials to see you through the next couple of weeks. But now he tells me you’re away at a spa, so I think he’s been a bit dramatic, I don’t want you to think that we think you’re a charity case. Anyway I’ve cancelled the order as I don’t want you to miss the spa, have a fabulous time. Enjoy the R&R very jealous!

BoredofBlonde · 17/12/2023 23:32

Pahahaha brilliant! She got you a good 'un

BoredofBlonde · 17/12/2023 23:33

wysen · 17/12/2023 23:23

What a CF! My sil pleaded poverty too. . Few years ago. Told us she couldn't feed her kids. We started giving her £200 per month for about a year to help her out. Turned out she saved all that money we gave her and booked a trip to Disney Florida.
I'd always be the first to help
Someone in need. What pissed me off was the lack of awareness, the lack of guilt. Absolutely had no awareness that it is disrespectful.
Your sil is no exception

WHAT????!!!! No way!

What on earth did you say when you found out!

Imagwine · 17/12/2023 23:39

Moveoverdarlin · 17/12/2023 23:31

I would go with a passive aggressive / blame it on the brother approach. You can be just as much as a CF as she is!

Hey Becky, just trying to sort this Tesco delivery slot. But I think Matt might have got the wrong end of the stick!!?? I’ve bought you a couple of hundred pounds worth of groceries as he said things were a bit tight at the moment. It was mainly frozen bits and essentials to see you through the next couple of weeks. But now he tells me you’re away at a spa, so I think he’s been a bit dramatic, I don’t want you to think that we think you’re a charity case. Anyway I’ve cancelled the order as I don’t want you to miss the spa, have a fabulous time. Enjoy the R&R very jealous!

Good one

Northernsouloldies · 17/12/2023 23:41

I'd let the order go a head less the luxuries and make it clear in a phone call don't ask again and don't give a reason.

EeesandWhizz · 17/12/2023 23:44

In the most passively aggressive move possible, keep the delivery slot but buy few 'spa' products instead as clearly the spa means more to her than food.

(obviously only do this if she has paid for the spa)

BMW6 · 17/12/2023 23:45

Well as its YOUR bonus money I'd send a text as pp suggested

"So glad you've obviously got finances sorted, have lovely spa break, grocery drop cancelled"

neeep · 17/12/2023 23:47

3 hours later and @DailyMailHater hasn't been back....

StaunchMomma · 18/12/2023 00:02

If she can afford a spa break, she can afford food!

Cheeky cow!!

Your DH should be fuming. It's not good that he thinks it's OK for his DS to treat you this way.

Gladero · 18/12/2023 00:02

Maybe she isn’t paying for the break

OP. I think it’s a lovely gesture to help out a relative you thought was in need. A lot of relationships on MN seem purely transactional. Regardless of whether or not she has been irresponsible with her finances. I wouldn’t cancel the order as it too closely resembles taking food out of someone’s mouth. I assume you can afford it so I would just carry on with the initial gesture.

No need to be as vindictive as some posters are advising

Scarletttulips · 18/12/2023 00:38

I wouldn’t cancel the order as it too closely resembles taking food out of someone’s mouth

Shes taking food out of her own mouth -I’m sure she’ll find money for treatments and nice meals when she’s away - why should OP find her spa break!

paisley256 · 18/12/2023 00:55

wite · 17/12/2023 21:12

Don't worry, I've cancelled it as you've obviously got yourself out of the tight spot. Have a lovely holiday x

This is perfect.

Kisskiss · 18/12/2023 00:56

Your dh can either call her and ask casually how she found the £££ for a 2 day spa break or you should at the very minimum. Delete all the extras you added in the shop , amd say the delivery slot is not changeable , or cancel it totally.
your dh needs to grow a backbone, it’s your Xmas bonus!

QueenBitch666 · 18/12/2023 01:22

Another cancel the order. Enjoy your bonus. She's a CF extraordinaire