Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF Sister in Law

283 replies

DailyMailHater · 17/12/2023 21:04

SIL has been having a hard time recently, end of long term relationship and made redundant and is struggling for money , she called DH yesterday to say she has no food in the cupboards and no money.

Dh and I each pay 50/50 on household bills etc and then all other finances are separate , DH said he didn’t have much to help her at the moment, but I said I could as I have some extra this month due to Xmas bonus… so suggested we do an online food shop for her to be delivered this week, (she lives 3hrs away) , my view is she is family and if you can help out, you help out.

DH spoke to her and she said that would be really appreciated and then proceeded to send an extensive list through (first hint of CF!)

I managed to get a delivery slot with her local supermarket for Tuesday afternoon and added everything off her list - mostly tins and frozen foods so long lasting and should keep her going for a while, I then added a few extras like her fav biscuits, a bottle of wine and some flowers just to cheer her up as she is really down at the money in total it came to almost £200

DH text her and confirmed delivery date and time etc (was surprised to get a slot - Xmas week!) all good.

She has then called today and asked if we can see if we can change delivery to Tuesday morning as she has booked a last minute 2-day spa break (about 1.5hrs away from her home) to relax and de-stress from all the recent upset and needs to leave at lunch time on Tuesday to “make the most of it”

I am shocked that she feels it is ok to do this after pleading poverty - i said DH should ask where this money suddenly came from considering I have just done her food shop for her he says it is none of our business….

I am happy to help family out but this is totally taking the piss isn’t it?

OP posts:
mommatoone · 17/12/2023 22:02

Well - this is gold standard CF! 🏅 .
Cancel the order OP, enjoy your bonus.

FloofyKat · 17/12/2023 22:03

id be v unhappy about this and would cancel the order. If she was truly in need and truly grateful, I think she would have made this clear to you in her communications with you. If she can afford a spa break she should not be accepting support from you, and if she can’t, and is accepting £££ from someone else to make it appear, i think it’s taking the double piss.

if I was skint there’s no way I’d be blagging groceries and a break!

fizzyred · 17/12/2023 22:05

Massive CF.... I can't believe she was so open about it!

CipherEcho · 17/12/2023 22:06

@DailyMailHater unless the spa day was gifted then it seems the priority should of been on food and not the spa day

mottytotty · 17/12/2023 22:06

I would cancel the order.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 17/12/2023 22:06

Cancel the cheque/order!

I’d be fishing for information about who paid for her spa trip.

I have a relative who frequently pleaded poverty to all and sundry. I smelled a rat when I found out that her mum and I had both apparently paid for the same thing for her. By my calculations, in the space of 12-15 months she had been given the equivalent of £40,000 by 5 different people. She is currently bitching about how hard life is now she has to find a job. 🙄

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/12/2023 22:07

To those saying "Check who paid for the break" I would think that if I was begging for food from family I would say "Thank you so much!!" for the delivery. I would be saying to the friend/relative who paid for the break "Thank you so much for the gift but I cant get there until X time so i will see you there".

The fact that she saw no issue in telling you about this break means that she is not seeing that her spending her money on "wants" rather than "needs" is a problem and you should be fine with that. So yes, CF.

Would this attitude have anything to do with the break up of her marriage by any chance?

JuneWind · 17/12/2023 22:08

Firstly, your DH is an absolute CF for volunteering your bonus money when your finances are not 100% shared - that would majorly piss me off unless there was a serious conversation first.

Secondly, if the spa break for SIL was in fact a gift - if I were her, I’d be offering the spa break gift to you as a thank you for bailing me out, not using it myself. But if she’s actually paid for it herself, then this is next level pisstaking!

Gymnopedie · 17/12/2023 22:08

she has booked a last minute 2-day spa break

From the way the OP reports it, it sounds like the SIL ihas booked it herself. Our local spa has availability this week.

OP tell your DH that you were quite willing to provide food if she was struggling (show him the shopping basket to prove you weren't doing the bare minimum but has added a lot of treats), but that you are not willing to spend your bonus on paying for her to have a nice spa break, which is what effectively you'd be doing. If he still wants to get her some food, ask him how much he's got to spend and tell him to edit the order to that amount. And if your card is attached to the order - which is what most people do - make sure that you change your password and then log out. Don't give him the opportunity to hit place your order without you.

CipherEcho · 17/12/2023 22:08

That's the thing with some people. As seen in many previous threads, it all depends on individuals' views of themselves and how they perceive their struggles with finances.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 17/12/2023 22:09

Scarletttulips · 17/12/2023 21:10

Seeing as you've obviously found some money, I'll just cancel the order and let you rebook for yourself when convenient. Enjoy the spa xxx"

perfect

Excellent reply.

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/12/2023 22:11

JuneWind · 17/12/2023 22:08

Firstly, your DH is an absolute CF for volunteering your bonus money when your finances are not 100% shared - that would majorly piss me off unless there was a serious conversation first.

Secondly, if the spa break for SIL was in fact a gift - if I were her, I’d be offering the spa break gift to you as a thank you for bailing me out, not using it myself. But if she’s actually paid for it herself, then this is next level pisstaking!

In fairness, he said that he couldnt afford to help her but the OP said that she volunteered that she could afford to help and did it willingly. I dont see that the DH did anything wrong.

CrapGoat · 17/12/2023 22:13

Unless someone else has paid for it for her or something as a treat which I am sure she'd have clarified, yes she's being hugely cheeky. And you're very generous! Maybe time to reel that in with her. I think I'd just say 'Oh are you okay for £ now, then? We'll just cancel it, I am sure you won't be needing it now!' or something such like.

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/12/2023 22:13

CipherEcho · 17/12/2023 22:08

That's the thing with some people. As seen in many previous threads, it all depends on individuals' views of themselves and how they perceive their struggles with finances.

Yeah as in "I need to pay for food but I do that then I cant afford my spa break!!!" is a world away from "I need to pay for food but if I do that then I cant afford to put any money on the electric meter".

Sounds like the break up of the LTR has removed her line of credit and she hasnt adjusted her lifestyle accordingly........

ImInACage · 17/12/2023 22:14

I'd cancel it completely. We had the same with DH's sister. She was in tears to him because she didn't have enough money for food (yet always had fags and booze Hmm). He gave her £500. A few weeks later she was asking their other sister for more. She'd used ours to book a holiday for herself to Bali. We were fuming. We had a young baby at the time and we're not really in a position to give, so used most of our holiday fund to help her, meaning that we couldn't have a holiday that year. I'll never lend money to anyone again, all trust disappeared that day.

RarrrrrrrrrrTheLittleLion · 17/12/2023 22:14

Just cancel and apologies but no other dates.

When she asks about rebooking, apologise and say car broke down, and has cost us £200 to fix, so nothing spare now.

autienotnaughty · 17/12/2023 22:15

I'd ask about the spa. If she paid herself I'd cancel the shop. Let dh do it if he wants. If it was a gift I'd amend the delivery date (if you can so close to Xmas) but I'd probably drop the additional treats.

Snowconecanfly · 17/12/2023 22:17

Cancel it. And if not allowed to, you can amend order still at this stage so I would take most items out of order and send a small amount - maybe £25 with enough food to feed her for a few days, then signpost her to the nearest foodbank if the spa break means can’t afford anymore!!

Kitkat1523 · 17/12/2023 22:17

Cancel it

Catsfrontbum · 17/12/2023 22:21

Oh my lord! On the face of it shes a bugger- but can your DH ask his mum what’s going on? I’d want to get my facts straight before I was cancelling the shop.

AliceMcK · 17/12/2023 22:21

Hhmmm normally I’d say CF but I spent a day at a spa this week, I’ve no money and we will have maxed our OD by pay day. The spa was a voucher I was given earlier in the year that I decided to use with a friend who is equally skint at the moment. No one other than us knows that we had a good time for free.

She could have been treat to the spa. Unless she has form I’d probably just leave it unless you have proof she’s taking the piss.

BalletBob · 17/12/2023 22:23

I'd just call her and find out what's going on. Don't pussyfoot around it. If she's not got form for being a CF, maybe she was gifted the spa trip or maybe a friend is taking her.

If it turns out that she's booked and paid for it herself, obviously you need to cancel the groceries and tell her in no uncertain terms that you feel she's really tried to take advantage of your generosity. That you bought the groceries because she told you that she couldn't afford to feed her kids, and that was clearly not true if she can afford luxury spa breaks.

If she is a CF, these people need to be called out and dealt with swiftly.

Startyabastard · 17/12/2023 22:25

Just take a step back and think if a friend could be paying/part paying for the spa break.
I have some incredibly generous friends, although they haven't offered me this specific thing.

Nevermind31 · 17/12/2023 22:26

Glad to hear that you are ok for money now - I’ve cancelled the order so that it doesn’t interfere with your spa break. X

but I would wait to see what we comes back with before actually cancelling. In any case I would mir send her £200 worth of food as requested by her - if things were really dire she could have sold any spa voucher…

TinselTitts · 17/12/2023 22:28

i said DH should ask where this money suddenly came from considering I have just done her food shop for her he says it is none of our business….

Why does your DH have to ask, considering it was you who bought the food?

Just ask her, although it was probably a gift I imagine.

Swipe left for the next trending thread