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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF Sister in Law

283 replies

DailyMailHater · 17/12/2023 21:04

SIL has been having a hard time recently, end of long term relationship and made redundant and is struggling for money , she called DH yesterday to say she has no food in the cupboards and no money.

Dh and I each pay 50/50 on household bills etc and then all other finances are separate , DH said he didn’t have much to help her at the moment, but I said I could as I have some extra this month due to Xmas bonus… so suggested we do an online food shop for her to be delivered this week, (she lives 3hrs away) , my view is she is family and if you can help out, you help out.

DH spoke to her and she said that would be really appreciated and then proceeded to send an extensive list through (first hint of CF!)

I managed to get a delivery slot with her local supermarket for Tuesday afternoon and added everything off her list - mostly tins and frozen foods so long lasting and should keep her going for a while, I then added a few extras like her fav biscuits, a bottle of wine and some flowers just to cheer her up as she is really down at the money in total it came to almost £200

DH text her and confirmed delivery date and time etc (was surprised to get a slot - Xmas week!) all good.

She has then called today and asked if we can see if we can change delivery to Tuesday morning as she has booked a last minute 2-day spa break (about 1.5hrs away from her home) to relax and de-stress from all the recent upset and needs to leave at lunch time on Tuesday to “make the most of it”

I am shocked that she feels it is ok to do this after pleading poverty - i said DH should ask where this money suddenly came from considering I have just done her food shop for her he says it is none of our business….

I am happy to help family out but this is totally taking the piss isn’t it?

OP posts:
QueenBitch666 · 18/12/2023 01:25

DH says it's none of our business Grin

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 18/12/2023 01:51

Cancel the order.

LaurieStrode · 18/12/2023 02:09

Yes, just cancel it. "You seem to have things sorted so we'll just rescind the order. Enjoy your two days at the spa."

Louise303 · 18/12/2023 03:50

Hopefully it was a gift but I would cancel if she has just booked it herself get you hubby to ask. I think he is wrong for saying it is none of your business you sound lovely adding extra for her also.

Gillypie23 · 18/12/2023 05:22

If she's paid for the trip herself. She's really taking the piss.

Kittylala · 18/12/2023 05:49

Did you cancel?

Projectme · 18/12/2023 06:37

Dh says 'it's none of our business'?!? Erm, yes it bloody is...Sil made it his business when she called and asked for help; he then made it your business when he offered up your Xmas bonus (i really hope he asked you first if you were happy to spend your hard earned bonus on this!) so yes it is 'your' business to know wtf is going on!!! SiL and DH have both made it your business.

Personally I would go in and amend the shop to only include absolute bare basic items, and certainly remove the extras you added on out of generosity. She's being unbelievably rude ( unless the spa is a gift from someone)

Does she have form for this OP?

Projectme · 18/12/2023 06:41

*sorry, just re-read OP and your DH didn't ask you to pay for shop, you offered to. Sorry; classic case of not reading OP properly!😬

ChocoChocoLatte · 18/12/2023 06:45

Mine did this. Pleaded poverty. Everything was getting cut off. Had tiny kids etc

We sent money <fools> she paid for Sky (which we didn't have!) and a weekend away drinking with pals on a city break.

She's had nothing since. And that was >20yrs ago and she still hints/complains/pleads poverty..........

Cancel.

Original poster
DailyMailHater · 18/12/2023 07:09

Thanks for all the replies, I think I was so shocked that she had done this I thought I might be missing something but seems she is a CF

found out late last night from other SIL that CF SIL booked the spa trip using a “wowcher”style deal earlier in the week without any thought for the fact it will leave her short for food, and said “oh I will sort it somehow”
SIL 2 is fuming that she has asked us without making it clear that she had left knowingly left herself short.

I have amended the order this morning and taken out all the extras I had put in and reduced quantities of other items to being cost of shop right down to essentials only and have messaged her this morning and said

“hi DSIL, DH told me about your spa trip, unfortunately I am unable to amend the delivery time, so if you aren’t going to be there let me know and I will cancel”

Her attitude to spending has totally changed since relationship breakdown she just spends on whatever without thinking of the bills etc.

OP posts:
SunRainStorm · 18/12/2023 07:13

I have some sympathy for someone prioritising self care when they've been through it. Sometimes when one shitty thing after another has happened, it might feel really crucial to just have something nice and restorative happen for once.

Obviously she should have planned better, but it's a sign of someone being in crisis that they don't plan and live moment to moment.

If she's otherwise respectful of you I wouldn't write her off as a CF.

You're doing the right thing if you send the basics and wish her well.

Penguinfeetteal · 18/12/2023 07:25

It's pay day some time this week for most people so at the most I'd be getting in some basis for her to survive and not a luxury food shop!

TheAlchemistElixa · 18/12/2023 07:34

SunRainStorm · 18/12/2023 07:13

I have some sympathy for someone prioritising self care when they've been through it. Sometimes when one shitty thing after another has happened, it might feel really crucial to just have something nice and restorative happen for once.

Obviously she should have planned better, but it's a sign of someone being in crisis that they don't plan and live moment to moment.

If she's otherwise respectful of you I wouldn't write her off as a CF.

You're doing the right thing if you send the basics and wish her well.

It’s fine to prioritise self care. It’s not fair to do so if it has a negative impact on others.

The OP can only afford to by the extra shopping because she’s spending her Christmas bonus. And now she feels like a mug. So that’s definitely negative impact.

SIL sounds selfish.

LookItsMeAgain · 18/12/2023 07:46

I can't wait to read what the CF SiL replies to your text @DailyMailHater . I am so here for this!

Sodndashitall · 18/12/2023 07:50

Very sensible @DailyMailHater to reduce the shop down like that. Interesting to see what she says. Also the Groupon style vouchers will usually not be fully inclusive so she'll incur other costs with this spa break (food etc!)

AVeryPregnantXmas · 18/12/2023 08:15

Very good decision OP. I'd be having a further conversation about how you feel she's taken the piss advantage and you won't be offering again in the future.

EvilElsa · 18/12/2023 08:17

Good for you.
Sending a giant shopping list was CF enough, the spa holiday addition was the icing on the cake. Amending the list was diplomatic. Hopefully DH has your back on this.

DaggerIsle · 18/12/2023 08:20

Prioritising self-care?? A spa holiday is a luxury most people never get to have.

TiredOfYourNonsense · 18/12/2023 08:21

The cheeky cow. I'd ask her how she's affording a spa day, then I'd cancel the shopping.

Contemplates · 18/12/2023 08:22

All 3 of you were at fault here.

SIL: to be happy to receive £200 of your charitable groceries, while at the same time booking a luxury spa day. If it was a tenner deal, she owes it to you to explain that as she should have known how it'll look and feel. Anything more than a tenner, then she shouldn't have asked you for food but paid her own and gone to a spa when she's financially recovered.

DH: to stand back passively while his wife takes this charitable giving upon herself, rather than explain he knows his DSis well enough to realise it's not necessary, and to fail to intervene when it goes pear-shaped, because it is his sister after all, not yours.

You: to jump in with both feet to rescue someone who doesn't need rescuing and who isn't your own kin, but his.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 18/12/2023 08:23

DailyMailHater · 18/12/2023 07:09

Thanks for all the replies, I think I was so shocked that she had done this I thought I might be missing something but seems she is a CF

found out late last night from other SIL that CF SIL booked the spa trip using a “wowcher”style deal earlier in the week without any thought for the fact it will leave her short for food, and said “oh I will sort it somehow”
SIL 2 is fuming that she has asked us without making it clear that she had left knowingly left herself short.

I have amended the order this morning and taken out all the extras I had put in and reduced quantities of other items to being cost of shop right down to essentials only and have messaged her this morning and said

“hi DSIL, DH told me about your spa trip, unfortunately I am unable to amend the delivery time, so if you aren’t going to be there let me know and I will cancel”

Her attitude to spending has totally changed since relationship breakdown she just spends on whatever without thinking of the bills etc.

If she was that desperate then surely she should have tried to sell her spa deal on then. Kind as it is of you, you're just enabling her by still sending her even a reduced amount. She will continue reckless spending knowing you'll dig her out. I'd give her absolutely nothing because she has done nothing but lie to you

jenny38 · 18/12/2023 08:46

Oh dear, If this is SIL level of adulthood, I predict further down the line request for help with morgage/rent/ bills etc. Best set the boundaries now OP. Interested to see her reply, perhaps she will ask you to cancel the shop and send her tge money instead!

FallingStar21 · 18/12/2023 08:47

MaggieFS · 17/12/2023 21:08

Yes, absolutely CF given its last minute and not something which was already in the diary and paid for.

She made it your business when she said she couldn't afford food. Given it's your bonus which is being spent, I'd reply and say "Seeing as you've obviously found some money, I'll just cancel the order and let you rebook for yourself when convenient. Enjoy the spa xxx".

It's one thing to feel sorry for yourself, but an overnight spa is £££££.

Perfect response!

SunRainStorm · 18/12/2023 08:49

I do think your DH should reimburse you for what you've spent on his sister. Especially if it's his wish that you follow through with the purchases

housethatbuiltme · 18/12/2023 08:55

Spa breaks aren't always fancy expensive, I have booked them on Groupon before for £50 and thats for 2 people sharing.

You can think it cheeky if you want but I think people jumping to 'she paid for it herself and it must be equivalent to £200' is insane. If shes a guest of someone else its likely not costing her anything.